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<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 319803" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>CIVA, not DIVA - </p><p></p><p>Hugs for your Mommy heart. Somewhere out there is a happy medium where our mentally ill kids actually emotionally catch up with their physical age and we're allowed to live our lives without every day being an emotional rollercoaster. Despite my best efforts to detach, walk-away, be void of Dudes problems? It still is there. No matter what I do or don't do it's like I'm danged because if I don't involve myself - I'm STILL thinking about the "wonder whats" and in some ways I think that's almost worse than being there and being involved (some ways not ALL ways). Then there's the "If I don't help it WILL be worse for him and he doesn't DOES NOT LEARN from his past mistakes 'thing' at all. It's incredible. It's very hard especially when they toss the guilt card at you and say "YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE FOR MY LIFE." and you know what? We shouldn't. </p><p></p><p>The most incredible thing I learned this past weekend is that a lot of people make a lifetime of misery for themselves by continually being martyrs by beating themselves up over wanting forgiveness for whatever they did to someone else. Shouldn't it be as simple as "I did this thing, I am sorry, please forgive me?" and "poof" you're forgiven. It is. But as parents for whatever reason, or as people, humans or brothers, sisters, spouses, we just keep doing things and doing things and doing things to show that person that we're so so sorry - and it's not necessary. I know - I've spent a lifetime trying to show Dude how sorry I am for messing up his life. I'm not sorry any more. I have done my absolute best to raise him the best way I KNEW HOW. Suz' moniker by Maya Angelou says something to the effect that we did the best we could with what we knew and when we learned better we did better....if you think about that - it's basically a recipe for allowing yourself to give up the word SHOULD and eliminating it from our vocabularies. </p><p></p><p>It's the best word I ever gave up saying. I should have...(fill in the blank). I should have spent more time with Dude, I should have sent him to a better school, I should have kept him out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I should have elimintated the word should a long time ago because I did the best I could and never purposely did the worst I could or did ANYTHING to my child that was the most awful decision I could....I did the best I could. So you have to ask yourself now - Is your daughter doing the best she can to make YOUR relationship work with you? Are you chasing her with your I shoulds? Are you begging her forgiveness after you've already told her you're sorry? </p><p></p><p>You're human - even God only asks us one time to ask his forgiveness - and then it's done. No more lifetime of suffering - or being a martry. It's done. Just once. So many people just don't get that. Once and done - just like the furniture polish...lol. Not to say that you should do something bad and then go "Can I be forgiven? Thanks." then run out and do it again, but you're being sincere.....so don't let her make a door mat out of you. </p><p></p><p>Dude recently said some very unforgivable things to me and they hurt very badly. Very badly. I've told him to get out and I was angry. Really angry. He did leave, and then DF told him to come back inside and he left yesterday and we haven't heard from him since. I've forgiven him for the ugly words and told him before I went to bed. The rest is up to him. But it will take a long time to forget the things he said. - I'm just not going to run after him and beg him to apologize.....he's got to figure that out on his own and in the mean time? I'm going to live my life, worry about where he is, keep him in my heart....think about him a lot..love him.....and let him live his 19 year old life. I hope he finds a good path and sticks to it. But berating me when I'm only trying to help isn't going to be part of mine. </p><p></p><p>I hope you don't let it be part of yours either. </p><p></p><p>Hugs & Love </p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 319803, member: 4964"] CIVA, not DIVA - Hugs for your Mommy heart. Somewhere out there is a happy medium where our mentally ill kids actually emotionally catch up with their physical age and we're allowed to live our lives without every day being an emotional rollercoaster. Despite my best efforts to detach, walk-away, be void of Dudes problems? It still is there. No matter what I do or don't do it's like I'm danged because if I don't involve myself - I'm STILL thinking about the "wonder whats" and in some ways I think that's almost worse than being there and being involved (some ways not ALL ways). Then there's the "If I don't help it WILL be worse for him and he doesn't DOES NOT LEARN from his past mistakes 'thing' at all. It's incredible. It's very hard especially when they toss the guilt card at you and say "YOU SHOULD FEEL GUILTY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE FOR MY LIFE." and you know what? We shouldn't. The most incredible thing I learned this past weekend is that a lot of people make a lifetime of misery for themselves by continually being martyrs by beating themselves up over wanting forgiveness for whatever they did to someone else. Shouldn't it be as simple as "I did this thing, I am sorry, please forgive me?" and "poof" you're forgiven. It is. But as parents for whatever reason, or as people, humans or brothers, sisters, spouses, we just keep doing things and doing things and doing things to show that person that we're so so sorry - and it's not necessary. I know - I've spent a lifetime trying to show Dude how sorry I am for messing up his life. I'm not sorry any more. I have done my absolute best to raise him the best way I KNEW HOW. Suz' moniker by Maya Angelou says something to the effect that we did the best we could with what we knew and when we learned better we did better....if you think about that - it's basically a recipe for allowing yourself to give up the word SHOULD and eliminating it from our vocabularies. It's the best word I ever gave up saying. I should have...(fill in the blank). I should have spent more time with Dude, I should have sent him to a better school, I should have kept him out of Residential Treatment Center (RTC), I should have elimintated the word should a long time ago because I did the best I could and never purposely did the worst I could or did ANYTHING to my child that was the most awful decision I could....I did the best I could. So you have to ask yourself now - Is your daughter doing the best she can to make YOUR relationship work with you? Are you chasing her with your I shoulds? Are you begging her forgiveness after you've already told her you're sorry? You're human - even God only asks us one time to ask his forgiveness - and then it's done. No more lifetime of suffering - or being a martry. It's done. Just once. So many people just don't get that. Once and done - just like the furniture polish...lol. Not to say that you should do something bad and then go "Can I be forgiven? Thanks." then run out and do it again, but you're being sincere.....so don't let her make a door mat out of you. Dude recently said some very unforgivable things to me and they hurt very badly. Very badly. I've told him to get out and I was angry. Really angry. He did leave, and then DF told him to come back inside and he left yesterday and we haven't heard from him since. I've forgiven him for the ugly words and told him before I went to bed. The rest is up to him. But it will take a long time to forget the things he said. - I'm just not going to run after him and beg him to apologize.....he's got to figure that out on his own and in the mean time? I'm going to live my life, worry about where he is, keep him in my heart....think about him a lot..love him.....and let him live his 19 year old life. I hope he finds a good path and sticks to it. But berating me when I'm only trying to help isn't going to be part of mine. I hope you don't let it be part of yours either. Hugs & Love Star [/QUOTE]
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