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<blockquote data-quote="CrazyinVA" data-source="post: 320079" data-attributes="member: 1157"><p>Thank you all SO much for your wonderful insights. Below is a long update: </p><p></p><p>Youngest called me at 3:30 yesterday afternoon, from the doctor's office.. she was on her way to be admitted to the hospital with more suspected kidneystones/infection. This is pretty much what I figured would happen, she'd call when she needed me for something. She is quite sick, so of course I am willing to help for things like that. I picked up my grandson at daycare .. ended up also picking up Oldest to stay with him, since she is currently unemployed. She stayed last night and will stay with my grandson tonight, too, since Youngest's boyfriend is working nights. </p><p></p><p>So, when I visited Youngest in the hospital, she brought up the issues surrounding her anger and hurt feelings, again. I told her I didn't think we should talk about them just yet.. but she persisted. She said she wanted to know why I would be embarrassed to tell people she's pregnant, and why on earth anyone would be anything but happy that she is pregnant. I told her that like it not, people still look at unwed mothers (especially ones who already have a baby by another man) in a negative light. Especially ones that are so needy/clingy with their mom, have health issues, and seem to be unprepared to have a baby. She asked how on earth people KNEW all that, unless I told them.. I said, because you call me all the time while I'm out with my friends, and at work, and they can't help but know these things. Her response? "Well I guess I need to stop calling you so much." (SIGH.. point missed).</p><p></p><p>I told her I thought we need to find a way to meet in the middle on this, so that I'm giving her what she needs, but she's also giving me what I need. I told her I would really appreciate it if, when she knows I am out or have plans and something comes up, she tries to figure something out on her own before interrupting me and asking me to drop what I'm doing. She said, "but, you're my MOM!" (Sigh... point missed, again).</p><p></p><p>I said, I'm a human being. I have my own needs and feelings. Are you telling me you don't care about those? She said no, of course not, but you're my mom, and I need my mom at those times. She began crying and said, "I will NEVER do this to Aidan. I hate it." She really can't see it, not at all. In her mind, this is what moms do, period. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, my job is to BE there when she needs me. </p><p></p><p>She talked about her growing up .. and how she never felt like we had a normal mom/daughter relationship because of Oldest's problems and my focusing on those, and she said she understood that.. she didn't blame me for it, I had to take care of Oldest first.. but it still hurt and she didn't get what she needed from me. She said then she became a teenager and acted out to get my attention, and that still wasn't a normal relationship, and she still didn't get what she needed from me. She said she guesses that even though she's almost 22, she is still trying to get what she needs from me, and it's like it's too late.</p><p></p><p>She is very wise.. even if she can't see it. </p><p></p><p>I told her she was right, we didn't have a normal family life growing up. We still don't. But we have to do with what we have, and figure out how to make it work. I emphasized again that we both need to give a little. She is adamant about not giving in to my needs, they don't seem to matter at all. I told her part of my job was to help her become an independent young woman, even if it hurt sometimes. </p><p></p><p>Lots of tears.. and then the nurse came in and the conversation stopped. </p><p>Not a great time or place for the conversation.. and honestly I don't know if the pain medications will make her forget some of it.. but there it is. We'll see what happens next. I know I need to stand strong in my position, even if she hates me for it at times. The key will be deciding what I am and am not willing to help with, with this pregnancy and baby, and when. Guess I'll figure that out as I go along.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="CrazyinVA, post: 320079, member: 1157"] Thank you all SO much for your wonderful insights. Below is a long update: Youngest called me at 3:30 yesterday afternoon, from the doctor's office.. she was on her way to be admitted to the hospital with more suspected kidneystones/infection. This is pretty much what I figured would happen, she'd call when she needed me for something. She is quite sick, so of course I am willing to help for things like that. I picked up my grandson at daycare .. ended up also picking up Oldest to stay with him, since she is currently unemployed. She stayed last night and will stay with my grandson tonight, too, since Youngest's boyfriend is working nights. So, when I visited Youngest in the hospital, she brought up the issues surrounding her anger and hurt feelings, again. I told her I didn't think we should talk about them just yet.. but she persisted. She said she wanted to know why I would be embarrassed to tell people she's pregnant, and why on earth anyone would be anything but happy that she is pregnant. I told her that like it not, people still look at unwed mothers (especially ones who already have a baby by another man) in a negative light. Especially ones that are so needy/clingy with their mom, have health issues, and seem to be unprepared to have a baby. She asked how on earth people KNEW all that, unless I told them.. I said, because you call me all the time while I'm out with my friends, and at work, and they can't help but know these things. Her response? "Well I guess I need to stop calling you so much." (SIGH.. point missed). I told her I thought we need to find a way to meet in the middle on this, so that I'm giving her what she needs, but she's also giving me what I need. I told her I would really appreciate it if, when she knows I am out or have plans and something comes up, she tries to figure something out on her own before interrupting me and asking me to drop what I'm doing. She said, "but, you're my MOM!" (Sigh... point missed, again). I said, I'm a human being. I have my own needs and feelings. Are you telling me you don't care about those? She said no, of course not, but you're my mom, and I need my mom at those times. She began crying and said, "I will NEVER do this to Aidan. I hate it." She really can't see it, not at all. In her mind, this is what moms do, period. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, my job is to BE there when she needs me. She talked about her growing up .. and how she never felt like we had a normal mom/daughter relationship because of Oldest's problems and my focusing on those, and she said she understood that.. she didn't blame me for it, I had to take care of Oldest first.. but it still hurt and she didn't get what she needed from me. She said then she became a teenager and acted out to get my attention, and that still wasn't a normal relationship, and she still didn't get what she needed from me. She said she guesses that even though she's almost 22, she is still trying to get what she needs from me, and it's like it's too late. She is very wise.. even if she can't see it. I told her she was right, we didn't have a normal family life growing up. We still don't. But we have to do with what we have, and figure out how to make it work. I emphasized again that we both need to give a little. She is adamant about not giving in to my needs, they don't seem to matter at all. I told her part of my job was to help her become an independent young woman, even if it hurt sometimes. Lots of tears.. and then the nurse came in and the conversation stopped. Not a great time or place for the conversation.. and honestly I don't know if the pain medications will make her forget some of it.. but there it is. We'll see what happens next. I know I need to stand strong in my position, even if she hates me for it at times. The key will be deciding what I am and am not willing to help with, with this pregnancy and baby, and when. Guess I'll figure that out as I go along. [/QUOTE]
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