husband and holiday

[Jena]

hi

so, every year husband's family does a thing on xmas eve. he goes every year. we also have had years where he sees them also on xmas day.

so, this year i'll be at my families house for a bit with the girls once their finished with their dad's family. husband works till about 8ish. than he heads to his ex wife's house, and than to his families house.

i do feel bad asking him to make the drive to mine, yet it really bugs meand yes i've told him how he goes to his ex's house each xmas eve, drops a pizza off kids leave it for santa. he goes in, stays a bit hangs with ex wife her family, friends. It's WEIRD.

so, yea i'Tourette's Syndrome a really long drive to my families house and he probably wouldnt' get there till after 9, yet so what he'd still be there for a couple of hours.

every xmas i've dealt with-this. one year he did drive to my mom's after work yet showed up at 11 because he went to ex's house first than his families than mine. he walked in and everyone was leaving.

i get this is yet another couples' counseling question or issue yet we have appointment and have to wait till after new year.

me i just know it's weird upsets me, i try not to let it yet how can i not? i sit at my families house as i know he's at his ex's. he claims its for the kids yet i'm like are you kidding me you see the kids on xmas day. tha's their arrangement.

i just gotta say they do not know how to be divorced, never have. so intertwined even till now years later following divorce.

 

[DammitJanet]

I dont see anything odd at all about him seeing his ex and his kids at her house along with her relatives on Xmas eve to be honest. They were married right? Or at least together for a period of time of some sort. They did make kids together. They had some sort of bond.

Cory (and Tony and I) maintain a relatively good relationship with Keyana's maternal side of the family. He goes to her birthday parties at their house. He actually really likes Keyana's step-father.

My step-sister Teri had the best divorce I have ever seen. I hold it up as the model for how a divorce with child custody should be handled.

They divorced when E was still in day care/pre-school. Probably about 4 years old. They both had good jobs but hers was the better job and E was in a day care at her work. However, she couldnt just take off work every time he was sick so what they did was they compromised and each took 1/2 a sick day. Worked out perfectly.

They were each at all his games as he grew up. He always knew that his mom and dad were there for him. When Teri re-married, his Dad was invited to the wedding at E's request. He came for E. They shared custody every other weekend and every Wednesday night. If E wanted more, it was allowed. If anyone needed to change, no problems. When Teri remarried, her new husband was a single dad too so E got a brother one year older. They arranged custody weekends so that both boys were at their houses the same weekends and no one argued about it.

Are these kids perfect? Well not completely but they are pretty darned close. And the younger brother to these two is about the best little boy I have ever laid eyes on.

Im trying to say...Teri and her Ex always put on a good face and acted nice for the kids because they are who count.

 

[Jena]

tha'Tourette's Syndrome great, and you are right situations like that are soooo much better for the kids in long run. i must sound like a cranky witch lol. there's more to it. just soo long to explain. his ex unfortunately has tried to torture us for 4 years now. she is the one who text him on our honeymoon, on our wedding night, as soon as we landed from honeymoon. she tells kids how much she loves him etc. (she turned gay by the way), and well it confuses the kids than i have to and him sit down with-them and try to undue the damage. the youngest, my step daughter gets hurt by it all and super confused.

she says i want dad to live in the basement with us i dont' get why you say he's your best friend and you love him. so him being there xmas eve with her and her family and kids not only hurts and mixes kids up yet gives ex green light to continue harrassing us. she texts in a.m. can't tell you how many times i wake up still to her phone calls, texts, etc. she bashes me to him all the time. so for me i'm sitting alone with-my kids on xmas eve and hes' over there just doesn't mesh well with me, never has. yet he does it anyway.

 

[Marcie Mac]

I don't see anything werid about it - If he leaves work at 8ish and gets to your family's house a little after nine - thats about an hour, hour and a half. Surely you don't expect him just to keep the car running and toss a pizza in the door and leave LOL

Honestly, as a child of divorced parents, I would have given anything to have my parents get along for our sake, even if only for the holidays - but the hatred of each other between them plus my mothers hatred of his girlfriend was of utmost importance to them and us kids were the ones that suffered.

I get that its difficult when dealing with x's, holidays or any other time of the year, but there are kids involved. As much as mine makes me wanna claw at my face, I have made sure he still is considered a member of the family, for our kids sake, especially during Holiday's and despite the fact that the boys are in their mid 20's. Drives my mother up the wall when she hears he has been invited for Thanksgiving/Christmas, doesn't understand why I just cannot "be done" with the relationship and never see him or mention his name ever again, but to me, that link for the boys is more important. Even at their age, they would be beyond extremely upset if I decided to break one of our traditions and "not" invite their father to spend time with us.

Marcie

 

[Shari]

one of the ladies in my shooting club is divorced. her daughters were in high school rodeo. so her and her ex worked around an INSANE sports schedule with their kids. and rodeo travels...every weekend for several months. when mom couldn't go, dad came to mom's house, got the girls' horses loaded up (animals valued at $7000 and up), into a 3 horse trailer with full living quarters (valued at $20k), pulled by a 4dr truck (value of what, $20k?), all owned by mom, cause mom was the horse person, dad was not. Sometimes, dad came to the rodeos with them, and slept on the floor in the trailer.
i agree....its how divorce should be. mom turned dad loose with $60k of her stuff and never batted an eye (and she probably doesn't make even now $60k a year)
i agree your husband should do a little more with/for you, but the focus needs to remain on the kids...i would give a LOT to have husband's ex tolerate being in the same space with us for cgfg. cgfg would love for her to watch her shoot. will probably never happen.
and i'd love for dex's whackjob girlfriend to either face reality or go away so wee can have the best relationship possible with his bio father.

 

[Jena]

thanks for the insight ladies

I think one of our main problems in our life and our brand new faltering marriage is that we never ever put us first, it's always the kids first. and our old couple counselor said put you guys first all the time, do for eachother first think of eachother first always and than no one gets left out. we do for kids first and foremost all the time, life with difficult child is well you guys know how that goes. than distance begins, resentment and anger build, nasty words are said to eachother and that all equals toxicity.

his responsibilities are : job, kids, ex, than our family. another issue for the therapist. boy this poor man he'll be charging double time for us. i dont' know i still beg to differ, his kids that little girl who i love standing there watching mom hanging off her dad than leaning over to kiss her wife the kids' a wreck. she doesnt' know which way is up as of late. so instead of it making her healthy the whole non bitter thing it has had the opposite effect. also for the ex, because i was totally on board with-this plan for the kids sake years ago yet unfortunately ex is a little uneven and when he does that, for example the next time we do something let's say when we got the puppy or head to my families house for a holiday she curses him out all day long via text, bad mouths him to the kids and tells them dad doesn't care about any of you, etc. and that too is soooo sooo bad.

so i guess if the xmas eve trips really had a lasting positive effect for all, excluding me from scenario i would be hugely happy at and for the kids. yet it doesn't. it's almost like it makes ex feel like she owns him more and than rides him, texts, text me on occassion and works thru kids. for example she bad mouthed me so much and husband that his oldest doesnt' come here anymore at all, except xmas to get gifts. shes highly maniuplative.

 

[Shari]

obviously i don't know you but from what you say here, you and your husband are never the priority, and your therapist was right, in my humble opinion on that one. you need couple time.

Guess i should have clarified that kids don't always come first...just meant on these holidays and such when ex'es are around....i still think the kids needs come first. HOWEVER....your husband should also be addressing the fact that you feel dissed and YOUR family (you, husband, the kids) need your special time and traditions, too.

 

[Mattsmom277]

I think it is good to have a healthy working relationship with an ex, especially with kids involved. I also find it normal to still have contact and relationships with former in laws etc. They were all once family and those connections don't go away because a couple decides to end it. Well it does end for many people, but many inlaws miss the new divorced former family member too. So in many ways I think it is a great thing that your husband can have positive contacts and importantly at holidays for the kids too. A great lesson in life for his kids to learn.

Yet I absolutely think that when you start a new relationship, enter a new marriage, it is not okay to leave a current wife alone visiting family etc while spending time with ex and her family, unless it is the only opportunity to see the kids. He is having them Christmas day right? So I don't think it is inappropriate for you as his wife to want to share your holiday with him and have him participate with YOUR family. Bonding with your family is super important, his bond with his former in laws not withstanding. If he's going to be spending time like that on Christmas eve there for whatever reason he feels Christmas day is not enough, it should include you. Of course that means you'd need to be okay be friendly and social and comfortable with his ex and her family. But they should have no problem having you present if they want him present during times like Christmas eve visits. I do think it is natural and normal to expect your husband to center the plans on that day on things you 2 do together, the kids are not going to suffer if they are spending the next day with you all anyhow to celebrate the holiday. If the pizza drop off and visit tradition is very meaningful to the children, then include you and you should find a way to attend to in all fairness. If the tradition is more about your husband out of habit and the kids are fine seeing in the next day instead, then I think he needs to realize that a healthy relationship with your ex is not mutually exclusive of beginning new ones with his current wife. Its so awkward trying to balance old and new, etc. I admire your husband for trying and for his ex and her family for being open to your husband. I do think this will turn to resentment if you 2 can't find a way to make it more equal. I personally wouldn't stand not having my S/O with me until 11pm on Christmas eve if he was visiting his ex and her family and showing up to my family christmas gathering when people were leaving. And yes he has a child with his ex and I'm perfectly fine with them communicating if she was cooperative in that. I would however make new arrangements with my family if it was important to my husband to go to his exs, and I would join him. To me it would be worth it simply to be with him for the holidays as a couple.

Whatever happens, it seems that everyone puts these kids first, including you. And I think thats fantastic. Shows me there's a good base of good will from all parties here, so I think there's a solution in here somewhere. Probably requires compromise by you, your husband and his ex, but I sense there's a working solution if you put your heads together.

 

[Bunny]

I think that it's time for you and your husband to start making new traditions of your own. Christmas is a difficult time, with people pulling you in all direction so that you see everyone, and with ex's and step kids that makes it all the more harder. Personally, I think that if he sees his kids on Christmas Day he should not be expected to hang around at the ex's house on Christmas Eve, especially if you are feeling so left out. I understand that he wants to make things easier for the kids, but if it is confusing to the his kids, thinking that their parents get along so well that they should get back together, it's only going to hurt them in the end. Do his kids come to your house on Christmas Day? Why can't they just see their dad on that day and spend Christmas Eve with their mother and her SO?

Pam

 

[Jena]

hi

janet you are right on that one partly. husband and i spoke about it a normal conversation for a while where i finally felt listened to and heard. he isnt' giong there and said it's time the kids find their own traditions on that particular holiday. although he spent a short time there it's unhealthy for them. the thing with-it was he said when kids were little they'd tell them santa brings such great gifts due to dad's pizza from his restaraunt hence the push for him to drop a pie and also he winds up staying for a bit.

yet the kids are getting older and he saw my pt of me sitting without him at my families and also let's face it i've been under a ton of stress. so long story short deal is he isnt' going there anymore on xmas eve and if he gets out early enough he'll drive to my families and if he doesnt' i told him go to his for a bit and we'll meet at home.

so one problem solved

janet yes his ex has been so mean to me it's not even funny, stories i could share would leave you shaking your head. really bad stuff. yet i hate to function and never have functioned pertaining to kids on any level of hurt from what she's done to me. as far as they know i have no feelings for their mom, im neutrel. mom can badmouth me yet i'd never do it about her to them. it would only hurt them.

 

[susiestar]

Why can't his ex or her wife not pick up the pizza at the restaurant? It is hours away or something? The youngest one is likely old enough to know Santa isn't a real person, so it seems that tradition has run its' course., in my opinion.

I am glad he can see how he is sending mixed messages. Hopefully in the next year or two he can see that all the texts all day are too much. It really is a process, in my opinion.

I also see that you put your kids ahead of the marriage a lot. All the intrusions of difficult child into your bedroom, well, he may need to set boundaries but it is likely that you do to. Maybe you should keep working iwth the counselor in the upcoming year to set healthier boundaries. the book Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend, is amazing. It also has a workbook that is incredibly helpful.