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Husband and I can't agree on what degree of detachment
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 620089" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Hi there. We've had so many newbies lately that it took me a day to recover in order to try to answer you...I'm really sorry. You sound like your heart is hurting and you need support. I will you give you all I can and take what you like, leaving the rest.</p><p></p><p>Did you ever hear of borderline personality disorder? In my opinion, she could either have that or histronic personality disorder. This link is just for borderline, but there are some for histronic. See if it rings a bell?</p><p></p><p><a href="http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0001063" target="_blank">http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0001063</a></p><p></p><p>Many of our grown adult children who remain emotionally children, are abusive to us, manipulative us like clever lawyers, turn their wrongs into OUR wrongs, boss us around with our own money and in our own house and don't seem to care about our feelings have varying degrees of personality disorders and it is very hard to rationalize, live with or have a normal relationship with somebody who has a distroted me-centric view of the world. Your daughter sounds like so many others here...she steals and keeps doing it, she does what she wants, she disregards your feelings, she is lazy (wants easy money), perhaps she is into substance abuse and you may or may not know it, and she is, in a few words, a typical difficult child. Her father is not helping to encourage her to get the intensive therapy she needs, if indeed she wants to change, by enabling her. I know you said she is not using drugs or alcohol, but you can't really know what she does when she's not home. That could be where the money is going. Drugs are a big reason our grown k ids steal from us. But here's the bad news, followed by the good news.</p><p></p><p>Bad news: You can not change your daughter one wit. Only SHE can change herself. You can not change your husband or his enabling of your daughter one wit. Only he can finally see through her and decide he wants to do things differently.</p><p></p><p>GOOD NEWS!!!: You can change one person, a very important person, YOURSELF and how you react to both your daughter and your husband. You can drop your expectations that either will do what you want them to do and, with that burden off of your shoulders, you can move on to create a peaceful, serene and happy life for yourself by doing nice things for you and hanging around the people you know who appreciate the goodness and kindness in your heart. You can never give your daughter another dime (if it were me, I wouldn't), but you can't stop Dad. However, you can detach from both and decide that if he wants to help her stay mentally six years old forever, you can not stop it. And she is not one of those adult kids who WANTS to grow up, so she will happily embrace him infantalizing her as if she is still his little girl who sat on his knee. You don't have to like it, but you don't have to dwell on it either. You can shrug and ignore and that's hard at first, but it really does get easier as you do it and find peace. If your daughter misuses drugs or alcohol, I highly recommend going to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon for old fashion, real life support and help. If she truly doesn't, there are Family Anonymous groups too. And you CAN go alone. You don't need hubby to go with you. I'd like to add that none of us really know if our kids are using drugs or not or the extent of which they are. They are great sneaks and many of us have been shocked and fooled. Drugs are a big motivation for stealing.</p><p></p><p>Understand that adults with borderline, histrionic, narcissistic and even antisocial personality disorders can be very charming at time. Especially narcissistic and histrionics love to flaunt good looks and even sex to get favors. And nobody is 100% bad, except for Ted Bundy. However, your daughter is manipulating you, playing both of you, and acting like an entitled child and I am thinking you don't want to be a part of helping her continue this way. You say you have other children. Bet they are tired of Sis. And bet you have a better relationship with them than her. Maybe spend more time with them and try to think about this daughter as little as possible because because you can think until your brains burst out of your head, b ut you still won't c hange her. So it's a waste of time. She is the one who has to decide to change herself and she seems pretty happy mooching off of others for now.</p><p></p><p>Meanwhile be good to YOU. Baby yourself whenever you can. You earned it! As for husband, you and he have to decide if you are still good as a couple. Apart from this daughter, maybe go to marriage counseling and see if you wish to stay together and maybe the counselor can help you two come together in some consensus over any issues you may not agree upon. It would not hurt to get a therapist of your own too...one who will help you learn to detach from this daughter and to build your own happy, serene life.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter's behavior is not your fault and she is not you. You are not her. Just b because she makes bad choices, doesn't mean you need to angst over it. You are two separate people. Rebuild your life so that it satisfies YOU...and keep reading. This is a good, wise group of moms who have adult children a lot like yours.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 620089, member: 1550"] Hi there. We've had so many newbies lately that it took me a day to recover in order to try to answer you...I'm really sorry. You sound like your heart is hurting and you need support. I will you give you all I can and take what you like, leaving the rest. Did you ever hear of borderline personality disorder? In my opinion, she could either have that or histronic personality disorder. This link is just for borderline, but there are some for histronic. See if it rings a bell? [url]http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-borderline-personality-disorder/0001063[/url] Many of our grown adult children who remain emotionally children, are abusive to us, manipulative us like clever lawyers, turn their wrongs into OUR wrongs, boss us around with our own money and in our own house and don't seem to care about our feelings have varying degrees of personality disorders and it is very hard to rationalize, live with or have a normal relationship with somebody who has a distroted me-centric view of the world. Your daughter sounds like so many others here...she steals and keeps doing it, she does what she wants, she disregards your feelings, she is lazy (wants easy money), perhaps she is into substance abuse and you may or may not know it, and she is, in a few words, a typical difficult child. Her father is not helping to encourage her to get the intensive therapy she needs, if indeed she wants to change, by enabling her. I know you said she is not using drugs or alcohol, but you can't really know what she does when she's not home. That could be where the money is going. Drugs are a big reason our grown k ids steal from us. But here's the bad news, followed by the good news. Bad news: You can not change your daughter one wit. Only SHE can change herself. You can not change your husband or his enabling of your daughter one wit. Only he can finally see through her and decide he wants to do things differently. GOOD NEWS!!!: You can change one person, a very important person, YOURSELF and how you react to both your daughter and your husband. You can drop your expectations that either will do what you want them to do and, with that burden off of your shoulders, you can move on to create a peaceful, serene and happy life for yourself by doing nice things for you and hanging around the people you know who appreciate the goodness and kindness in your heart. You can never give your daughter another dime (if it were me, I wouldn't), but you can't stop Dad. However, you can detach from both and decide that if he wants to help her stay mentally six years old forever, you can not stop it. And she is not one of those adult kids who WANTS to grow up, so she will happily embrace him infantalizing her as if she is still his little girl who sat on his knee. You don't have to like it, but you don't have to dwell on it either. You can shrug and ignore and that's hard at first, but it really does get easier as you do it and find peace. If your daughter misuses drugs or alcohol, I highly recommend going to Al-Anon or Narc-Anon for old fashion, real life support and help. If she truly doesn't, there are Family Anonymous groups too. And you CAN go alone. You don't need hubby to go with you. I'd like to add that none of us really know if our kids are using drugs or not or the extent of which they are. They are great sneaks and many of us have been shocked and fooled. Drugs are a big motivation for stealing. Understand that adults with borderline, histrionic, narcissistic and even antisocial personality disorders can be very charming at time. Especially narcissistic and histrionics love to flaunt good looks and even sex to get favors. And nobody is 100% bad, except for Ted Bundy. However, your daughter is manipulating you, playing both of you, and acting like an entitled child and I am thinking you don't want to be a part of helping her continue this way. You say you have other children. Bet they are tired of Sis. And bet you have a better relationship with them than her. Maybe spend more time with them and try to think about this daughter as little as possible because because you can think until your brains burst out of your head, b ut you still won't c hange her. So it's a waste of time. She is the one who has to decide to change herself and she seems pretty happy mooching off of others for now. Meanwhile be good to YOU. Baby yourself whenever you can. You earned it! As for husband, you and he have to decide if you are still good as a couple. Apart from this daughter, maybe go to marriage counseling and see if you wish to stay together and maybe the counselor can help you two come together in some consensus over any issues you may not agree upon. It would not hurt to get a therapist of your own too...one who will help you learn to detach from this daughter and to build your own happy, serene life. Your daughter's behavior is not your fault and she is not you. You are not her. Just b because she makes bad choices, doesn't mean you need to angst over it. You are two separate people. Rebuild your life so that it satisfies YOU...and keep reading. This is a good, wise group of moms who have adult children a lot like yours. [/QUOTE]
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Husband and I can't agree on what degree of detachment
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