husband and I keep getting stronger despite difficult child use and abuse...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Dec 13, 2014.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi all,
    Sorry so long between visits. We have moved and been very busy though I do try and keep up with all through reading.

    Well, as fate would have it, young difficult child lost his job the day before Thanksgiving. A week before daughter in law told me of a phone call she received from hospital doctors who were removing a needle stuck in young difficult child's arm. Apparently he tested positive for Meth use.

    Then...Thanksgiving day Young difficult child texted me and said, "Goodbye. Forever."

    This past Tuesday night young difficult child called me to tell me that he was going to hang himself and told me where "they can find the body". I called 911 and the police pinged his phone and found that he was at his mother in law's with his wife and our grandchildren. They questioned him and his reply was..."I was just trying to get my mother's attention". This may be the first time I can remember calling the police after a suicide threat but this time...He had a plan and that scared me.

    I spoke with young difficult child last night and he says he has another job lined up next week but needs a vehicle...a motorcylce will do. He actually thought husband and I would purchase this for him. I told him we were not going to do that...then he want on to tell me that he hasn't recieved a Christmas present from us in the past 3 years. Silly difficult child...I suppose that truck we bought after he got out of prison, the TV, The X Box, Insurance, a Phone...good money after bad. All of that doesn't count.

    Young difficult child has nothing to show for the 30K he earned this past year. husband and I did not make him get a title loan last yr on the truck we bought him and then not repay it so his truck was reposessed. husband and I did not pawn away the TV or X box. husband and I did not shoot Meth into his veins. Yet we are still expected to somehow pick up the pieces and support him.

    After he told me that we did not give him any presents the past 3 yrs I told him he was not getting any presents from us this yr either. Then I told him I had to go.
    He texted me almost immediately...This is what he said,
    "I would appreciate you not calling or communicating with me at all. I really need to wash my hands of you all. You are nothing but judgement. You offer no help or support. You're a thorn in my family's side and we just want to be done with you. Save your gifts for my children. We don't want them and go to the casino maybe you'll win big. Just stay out of our lives nobody would even notice the difference. by the way, your adult butt has been getting Christmas gifts since I can remember. Quite frankly you'll probably get treated to the casino. You're selfish self endulged a blight on my family history and I'd rather you go your merry way and I will more than oblige. Merry Christmas now please leave me out of your thoughts, phone calls, or your haphazard reaching out like you like to do on a whim. I'm not interested and would rather have been an orphan, at least then I'd have an excuse for the complete and utter absence of a family. I mean no offense I'm just tired of you all and the rhetoric. It never changes. The only thing that changes is we get older. Mother son relationship Yea right. Keep your gifts I'm serious they aren't welcome."

    So this is the thanks husband and I get at the the end of the day, lol. husband and I are So done. We do have to have frequent talks with one another to remind each other of all that we have poured out in the name of helping young difficult child and his family. We have dreams and financial goals for ourselves now and intend on making them a reality.

    I think young difficult child is staying once again at his mother in law's home. I know she was out of town this past week and am sure that is why daughter in law let him stay but also equally sure she will insist young difficult child continue to stay.

    I am so disappointed in young difficult child and his wife. This has now gone on for 8 yrs and they are no further along than when they started.
    Failure to launch. Yep, that seems to be the issue...that and severe drug/alcohol use/abuse.

    Young difficult child will be 26 in February. He has a 7 yr old son who is failing in school...The first grade. Teachers say he is struggling to concentrate, can't focus. Is it any wonder, really? So sad.

    husband wanted to start taking grandson to the bowling alley with him beginning this Sunday. He had even called daughter in law this past Sunday and asked if it would be okay for him to pick up grandson. Sigh...Young difficult child uses his children too. So very sad that they are used against us when he is not getting his way.

    He is right in one respect...Nothing changes, just getting older.
    But husband and I are determined to stay on our own path and finish our own journey. Have been enjoying the new saying around here..."Not my circus not my monkey!" It's so true.

    On another note...Oldest difficult child called husband this past week, drunk. Apparently he had wrecked his new truck and was "singing the blues" Even tellling husband at one point that he was ready for the Lord to take him home. He sounds depressed. All I can do is pray.

    Have all the grandchildren's presents wrapped and ready to be delivered.
    I wish their difficult child father's would get it together. Certainly oldest difficult child has much more on his plate and has been meeting his responsibilities for several yrs now...so he has more to lose so to speak if he doesn't bounce back.

    As for young difficult child, we are done. There is no more. He has used us for all he can. I'm afraid all we are to him anymore is money anyway. But as they say..."It takes what it takes". We did not arrive at these conclusions over night. It has taken yrs for us to see how much of our own blood sweat and tears...time energy and money we have poured into them only to be kicked in the teeth at the end of the day. Damned if we do and damned if we don't...so now...we don't.

    I hope you all are enjoying your own lives despite your difficult child's situations.
    There really is more of a plan and purpose for our lives than to be used by drug addicts/alcoholics. And when our grown children reach the age of 25/26 and have children of their own they are not supporting...It truly is time to be done.

    Got to stay strong,
    Love,
    LMS
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am sorry.

    Sorry that your son used such a cruel method to get your attention. When my son threatens suicide, I automatically hang up and call 911. Doesn't matter if I think he is serious or not...you never know. He has stopped threatening suicide. Think about how mean that trick was.

    It is sad to have to admit our children are not good people and are abusive to us, but you seem to have accepted it (as much as you can). If it helps, I totally support your decision. He not only refuses to grow up and live right, but considers your support giving him money, toys, a truck, etc. He does not want or care about your love or emotional support. To him your supporting him means just that...paying for everything he wants while he refuses to work, take care of his kids and use drugs.

    I hope you have a very peaceful holiday. Once we start making sure our holidays are filled only with non-toxic people, they because true holidays, not Stress Days from Hades. Enjoy your freedom. If he calls again and starts in, you can just say what I say to my son: "You will always have my love a nd emotional support. But you are capable and smart and can find ways to make your own money and we can't support your family anymore." If he gets abusive, which he probably will, I would simply and softly hang up. It serves no purpose to give them a platform to abuse us. It isn't good for us or for them to allow it. Listening to them rant validates their magical thinking and twisted reality.
     
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    LMS - you do sound strong. I am glad you and husband have each other to lean on when your difficult child does this kind of stuff. I think they just think our love is bottomless and limitless and so when nothing else works they threaten to cut off all contact. You sound like you are in a healthy place, cause fact is if he wants no contact, give him no contact. I am sure he will be in touch again because he will want/need something from you again.

    So stay strong and you are absolutely right, live your own lives. At this point you dont owe him anything, you have given your all.

    I hope you get to have a relationship with your grandson.... but if not, that is your difficult children choice not yours.

    Hugs,

    TL
     
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The best part of his letter..."I mean no offense" lol. I'm so sorry LMS. And the saddest part about this whole mess is the grandkids. I'm glad you and husband are going about your lives. It is time you took care of yourselves. I hope you find some peace and joy in this season.
     
  5. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Lots of love to you this holiday season.

    As moms, we start this journey thinking we hold the key to fixing our kids. We work so hard on trying different tactics, practicing just the right thing to say, detaching, not detaching, but always with great love. We're tightly coiled- always ready to spring at whatever comes next because just maybe the right combo of words and actions from us will FINALLY get through to difficult child.

    And that journey changes US - but it doesn't change them. And our change and growth highlights the lack of change and growth in our difficult children.

    Iis the no growth thing that hits home for me. My difficult child too has nothing to show for the past 4 years of his life. No place to call home, no car, no realistic goals, nada. He is the same stubborn 19 year old who dropped out of school and life. Except he is no longer 19; he's nearly 23.

    I think it was Nancy who taught thst our kids get stuck at the age they were when they began using. I used to think it was a chemical thing but I've grown to realize that using was my son's way of checking out. And he has not checked back in.

    Your son was purposely mean and that hurts doubly. You are a wonderful mother and you have moved mountains for him. I admire your strength and your courage.

    There was a time that I thought I couldn't be happy unless my kids were happy and well. That happiness could and should wait until difficult child was back on the right track. During that time, any rare feeling of happiness was immediately smothered by my own guilt. I look back and I want to shake myself.

    I am so glad you are moving on and seeking your own happiness. Life is too short. I hope you have a blessed and peaceful Christmas.

    Xoxo
     
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    OMG, Sig. THAT WAS ME TOO. My moods were completely dominated by my children, not me. If I had a good day, but my, say, son was sad, I was unable to enjoy my good day. His emotions became mine...and all my kids.

    That is the core definition of codependency. We are dependent on others for our emotions. That's what Melody Beattie taught me in her book.

    THANK GOD FOR PROGRESS AND GROWTH! Make that be our Christmas gifts to ourselves!
     
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  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    MWM, you are right...I should probably call the police each and every time he threatens suicide. Interstingly, I didn't hear from him for 2 days after this episode.
    Now, I thought about it for a while and I do remember calling the police on oldest difficult child when he grabbed a knife and stormed outside as a teenager. The police almost shot him in a field across the street from our house as he was not immediately putting the knife down. Maybe that's why I had reservations for so many yrs. I even called the police back the other night to tell them that young difficult child has a pacemaker in case they were to Tasor him. I don't always trust the police. Some times they are too quick to react in my opinion.
    I will try and remember what you said about reminding him of our love for him and our emotional support...but not financial.
    Thank you.

    TL,
    Yes, we have given our all...even my sanity was lost at one point. It is time for husband and I to focus on our own future. Young difficult child is acting like a child, throwing a tantrum because he is not getting his way. Thank God husband and I do already have a strong relationship with each one of his children. They are very special to us and we do see them as often as "normal" grandparents typically do...every 1 to 3 weeks. Normally daughter in law is accomodating but right now she is baby sitting young difficult child, sigh. He puts himself above all others in importance...it is all about him, not even his own children. I think husband and I will take our grandchildren's presents over to them on Christmas day. I know daughter in law's mother will gladly let us in to see our grandchildren open their presents. Thank you TL for the continued support and encouragement.

    Nancy, husband and I get up some mornings and play songs we can dance to, smile, it is bitter-sweet. So glad that he and I survived all the worst difficult child days and more...but sad that we can't be "one big happy family". Thank you for your continued care.

    Sig, You are so right and your post made me smile. Life is short...in fact the older we get the faster it goes, don't ya think?
    Yes, there was a time not so long ago when my happiness was tied to my children's well-being. Not so much anymore...I am glad we are where we are today...but it took too long to get here. I add up the toll sometimes outloud to husband and it's incredible. I am so glad husband and I can count ourselves amongst the surviviors. I would hate to be in my 60's and still thinking I could somehow someway fix my children. They are adults now. Their choices are theirs. I no longer take it personally. They are not a reflection of me but of their own decison making. And they are not wholly bad people. They (the boys specifically) have their battles with addiction and mood disorders...but that doesn't make them entirely bad. In any event...I have "let go of the rope".
    We have not financially supported young difficult child for around a yr and half now. He would be wise to learn about area shelters and food banks in the future. He would be wise to be honest with Dr's in the future. But I doubt he will do either. He depends on family to rescue him and right now that is his wife and his mother in law.

    husband my mother and I do wonder though how this will all shake out for the grandchildren when they grow up. Will they be addicts? Will they be enablers?
    If anything I wish I could save them...but that is the role that their other grandmother is trying to take. Unfortunately she allows herself to be used and abused by daughter in law and young difficult child in my opinion.

    Life goes on.
    I do wish all of you a very Merry Christmas...regardless of where our difficult child's are or what they are doing. We have each been given a life to live of our own and as long as we are here...there is purpose in it.

    Hugs and love to you all,
    LMS
     
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  8. Estherfromjerusalem

    Estherfromjerusalem Well-Known Member

    Very dear Lovemysons,

    First of all, it is so good to "see" you again after such a long time. I was wondering what had happened to you but didn't want to be a nagger and post again asking about you.

    I am so sorry to read about young difficult child's behaviour and actions. You and your husband have done everything possible -- and then some -- to help and support him. Thank heavens you two are on the same page. You certainly deserve to give yourselves some time out and enjoy your lives. It is good that you are keeping contact with the grandchildren.

    So, am sending you hugs -- oh, and have a merry Xmas.

    Love, Esther
     
  9. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi LMS. It is so good to from you. I am glad that you and your husband are finally putting yourselves first. You are correct that once a difficult child has reached their middle twenties it is time to let go and let them figure things out.

    My husband and I have finally reached that point (with the help of a therapist) and are not paying for anything for our difficult child. After a couple of weeks of phone calls saying she was living on the street and "doing things" she never thought she would do, she suddenly found herself a halfway house, and IOP, a job, and has managed to pay for her phone and transportation to and from her job.

    She is even riding the bus system which she swore she would never do. It is amazing how resourceful she has become now that she knows we are serious about our boundaries.

    Your difficult child will figure things out but even if he doesn't, he needs to learn that he can't manipulate you anymore. His text should go down as the War and Peace of manipulation in our SA archives.

    ~Kathy
     
  10. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi sweet Esther,
    You are NOT a nag! No, I have just been really busy with getting settled into our new place. I was thinking about you though the last couple of days and your son. I hope he is still doing okay in Australia. Please update when you can.

    Hi dear Kathy...
    First, I am SO happy to hear that your daughter is stepping up! I knew she could do it. They are amazingly resourceful aren't they! They throw out all of these dire hopeless messages to us and then they wake up one day and start putting all the pieces back together again...THEMSELVES.

    LOL, we have this saying in Texas..."If you don't like the weather, wait a minute." Well, daughter in law called me Sunday night to ask if husband and I could watch the grandkids last night. So much for young difficult child's rant about being an orphan and that our gifts would be not accepted, etc.

    The kids came over last night and it was SUCH a fun time. husband got on the floor with them all and played while I took a video...smile. We have a "Crazy Christmas Hat contest" going between easy child and husband every year so there are lots of goofy hats around our house. The three grandkids had fun wearing the hats and playing with husband. husband even brushed the granddaughters hair for them (lol he's a closet hairstylist).

    Young difficult child picked up the kids and of course, acted like nothing happend just days before. Don't they have this uncanny way of brushing off all their ill's to others! You would think he never said an unkind word just days earlier to us.

    And, more good news...The reason we watched the grands last night is because daughter in law and Young difficult child were starting new jobs yesterday!

    What a roller coaster ride this life is...reminds me of what DDD always used to say. Gosh I still miss her SO much!

    So...the moral to this story is...believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see, right?
    But at least we're on the upswing again and I'm so glad that husband and I got to spend time with our grandchildren last night. Was a fun memorable time.

    Love to you all,
    Hang in there,
    LMS
     
  11. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    So good to hear your news LMS, glad you got to see the grandkids and that young difficult child and his wife have jobs now. I hope you have a wonderful holiday.......
     
  12. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    LMS, reading your post makes me stronger. Thank you. At the same time, I am so deeply sorry you are having to learn to accept this. But learn you are. You are doing it! You are an inspiration to me.

    Sig, I love what you say and what you write. So very very true. Until it isn't anymore. What a great day that is.

    I really thought that. Again, not true. We can be truly happy and even joyful. This is the result of learning where I start and stop and where he starts and stops. I am not my difficult child. I used to think I was, in some strange way. He is not me. We are two grown people walking our own paths. That is the way it is supposed to be, and that is the way it is.

    Just because I don't like his path doesn't mean I have a voice in this. My goal is to accept him and to love him, regardless. That is what I work on, every day.

    Thanks to all on this thread. Kudos to LMS!
     
  13. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi RE and Childofmine :) Good to "see" you both! And, thank you for the encouragement and support.

    Well...Not really sure what's going on with young difficult child right now. Haven't heard from him since Wednesday morning. He is apparently not staying at daughter in law's mother's home now because mother in law came back from a trip out of town and does not want young difficult child in her house.

    I thought that daughter in law was housing young difficult child out of pity again while her mother was away...but I talked to daughter in law and while she did give difficult child a place to stay for a week apparently my call was not the only one to the police regarding difficult child that week.

    daughter in law told me that young difficult child would not "let her and the kids leave" at one point and she called police. Another time young difficult child got into a scuffle with her sickly dad. It's a somewhat strange situation but daughter in law's mother allows her abusive ex husband and stroke victim to live with her and daughter in law and the grandkids and animals they're carry for for others etc. husband and I sometimes jokingly call daughter in law's mother "saint Debbie". She is the Martyr if you will...that is her role.

    So, last night, husband and I took Omaha steaks that husband's father always sends to us, over to daughter in law and her mother. husband also handed daughter in law's mother $100. It's nothing really in the grand scheme of things. daughter in law's mother has supported our grandchildren for the past 7 yrs in one way or another. We give her money along the way...I guess it makes us feel better for the lacktherein of our son. :-(

    Tonight husband and I are going to a Christmas party at my estranged half sister's cousin's home. My half sister and her family will be there and I am looking forward to getting to know them better. Long story short...I was raised without a dad. Didn't meet him til I was around 17. Half sister was raised with our dad and had a very close relationship with him. The last time I saw half-sister was at our dad's funeral 4 yrs ago.

    Anyway...back to young difficult child. Have heard nothing for several days as daughter in law last dropped him off at a friend's grandmother's in Dallas. The grandmother is in Hawaii and traveling over the next 2 months. I guess I should be relieved that difficult child has a place to stay over the cold winter months but I'm somewhat concerned that I haven't heard from him in the past several days.

    husband and I are enjoying life though...we have such long and meaningful discussions these days about our lives and the lessons that have been learned along the way. I love my sweet husband. He is a very good man. I love young difficult child too...he is just lost in the wilderness though. And...I have to let him learn his OWN lessons. He is so hard-headed!

    I hope you all are enjoying Christmas, Hanakkah, or however you celebrate this time of yr. For us, it has been a time to reflect, learn and keep moving forward with hope in our hearts.

    I wish you all the very best for this upcoming yr. I pray our difficult child's and Addicted children will once and for all Surrender to God and learn to live this life free from bondage.

    Love,
    LMS
     
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