Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
husband and I - Long Long Vent
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Star*" data-source="post: 157544" data-attributes="member: 4964"><p>I've never been a beast of onus......naw - that Stones song would have bombed. </p><p> </p><p>(now have dumb tune in my head) I can see Jaggar - du du du-du du du-du duuuuuu. </p><p> </p><p>Some things worth having are rarely easy. I read this post earlier and then thought I'm going to think about this and my remarks. My sister snapped one time that since I had been married and divorced I was sure quick to give advice suggesting breakup or divorce. Without thinking I snapped back that "No, I wasn't pro-divorce, I'm pro-health." </p><p> </p><p>When I was younger I used to hear about women like Zsa-Zsa Gabor who had been married then I think 6 times. As a child with parents who were married 47 years until my father's death I thought irregardless of what came down the pike - you worked it out. You worked it out because of the kids, because of your promise to God in your vows, because of your love for that person. It used to amaze me when you'd hear in the news someone had gotten divorced for a 4th time or married for a 7th. After my 1st marriage and counseling I thought about Zsa Zsa and Liz Taylor and thougth - I guess when their line got crossed they left. I dont 'think you can be happy like that - not truly happy. But it does say something when you can walk away from those who make you so unhappy you want change more than them. </p><p> </p><p>Then I got married to a man who was charming. A rare find in the 80's. And took my ideals of marriage into my own marriage and hung in for 13 years despite anything and everything. I begged him literally on my knees to go to counseling. I was so sure I didn't want to loose my marriage I would have and did do anything to save it. But that was the point - I was willing, I would have - there was no HIM in any of that at all. It was me. </p><p> </p><p>I had started going to counseling 2 years before we broke up. I learned a lot during that time about manipulation, working with someone, communicating with someone and living with someone. Moreover I learned about how not to be manipulated, effective communication, and how not to be taken advantage of. Did I love him? Yes. Was I in love with him? Not after 10 years. He wanted to renew our vows and i was literally HORRIFIED. But after it all I had a better understanding of why some women have multiple marriages. I wanted out at that point. </p><p> </p><p>I think marriages are a little like difficult child's. I mean in the way that they operate. They are rarely perfect. They take a tremendous amount of your life, energy, patience and love. They take discipline, ability to think outside the box, and to find a way to put yourself first without doing irreparable damage to the difficult child, yet all the while moving forwards towards a goal. </p><p> </p><p>At work - we have a goal (making it to the next level or going home in some cases), we have rewards (our checks) and we have consequences (pay cuts, termination). </p><p> </p><p>Some of us adore going to work and have a fear of coming home. I think those people either are adreneline junkies or have a bad home life. In your case Witz - he's a junkie. </p><p> </p><p>I think he plays WW because it's hyper like the environment at work. But there is no consequence. Or in his mind = there should not be a consequence. He's worked, he's home, and now he is going to play. In other words he's done his work, and now this is his reward. </p><p> </p><p>So maybe instead of trying to fix a not broken you, or thinking that his inability MUST BE something that has to do with you - you both should concentrate on the limbo he's in when he isn't at work. It could be as simple as him understanding that he has 2 jobs one is (over there) and the other STARTS when he's done with the home-job. I think there is something that just gets lost for him in the decompression time from work end to home. It could be because the stress of his job is outrageous. Then when he comes home his brain has already gone to Cabo - and his body is being told - BUT YOU NEED TO DO THIS. Playing the game gets him out of work mode, but keeps the energy level up. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe make the remodeling like a video game - except you are the reward and in order to get to the "next level" he has to get the window put in. Heck -I dunno buy a whip today and some whipped cream tomorrow????<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/redface.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":redface:" title="redface :redface:" data-shortname=":redface:" />! </p><p> </p><p>I wish I had some real answers for you but I can tell you that eventually in our relationship I had to find a way to deal with DF not being able to do things at my pace and BE okay with it. </p><p> </p><p>Hugs</p><p>Star</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Star*, post: 157544, member: 4964"] I've never been a beast of onus......naw - that Stones song would have bombed. (now have dumb tune in my head) I can see Jaggar - du du du-du du du-du duuuuuu. Some things worth having are rarely easy. I read this post earlier and then thought I'm going to think about this and my remarks. My sister snapped one time that since I had been married and divorced I was sure quick to give advice suggesting breakup or divorce. Without thinking I snapped back that "No, I wasn't pro-divorce, I'm pro-health." When I was younger I used to hear about women like Zsa-Zsa Gabor who had been married then I think 6 times. As a child with parents who were married 47 years until my father's death I thought irregardless of what came down the pike - you worked it out. You worked it out because of the kids, because of your promise to God in your vows, because of your love for that person. It used to amaze me when you'd hear in the news someone had gotten divorced for a 4th time or married for a 7th. After my 1st marriage and counseling I thought about Zsa Zsa and Liz Taylor and thougth - I guess when their line got crossed they left. I dont 'think you can be happy like that - not truly happy. But it does say something when you can walk away from those who make you so unhappy you want change more than them. Then I got married to a man who was charming. A rare find in the 80's. And took my ideals of marriage into my own marriage and hung in for 13 years despite anything and everything. I begged him literally on my knees to go to counseling. I was so sure I didn't want to loose my marriage I would have and did do anything to save it. But that was the point - I was willing, I would have - there was no HIM in any of that at all. It was me. I had started going to counseling 2 years before we broke up. I learned a lot during that time about manipulation, working with someone, communicating with someone and living with someone. Moreover I learned about how not to be manipulated, effective communication, and how not to be taken advantage of. Did I love him? Yes. Was I in love with him? Not after 10 years. He wanted to renew our vows and i was literally HORRIFIED. But after it all I had a better understanding of why some women have multiple marriages. I wanted out at that point. I think marriages are a little like difficult child's. I mean in the way that they operate. They are rarely perfect. They take a tremendous amount of your life, energy, patience and love. They take discipline, ability to think outside the box, and to find a way to put yourself first without doing irreparable damage to the difficult child, yet all the while moving forwards towards a goal. At work - we have a goal (making it to the next level or going home in some cases), we have rewards (our checks) and we have consequences (pay cuts, termination). Some of us adore going to work and have a fear of coming home. I think those people either are adreneline junkies or have a bad home life. In your case Witz - he's a junkie. I think he plays WW because it's hyper like the environment at work. But there is no consequence. Or in his mind = there should not be a consequence. He's worked, he's home, and now he is going to play. In other words he's done his work, and now this is his reward. So maybe instead of trying to fix a not broken you, or thinking that his inability MUST BE something that has to do with you - you both should concentrate on the limbo he's in when he isn't at work. It could be as simple as him understanding that he has 2 jobs one is (over there) and the other STARTS when he's done with the home-job. I think there is something that just gets lost for him in the decompression time from work end to home. It could be because the stress of his job is outrageous. Then when he comes home his brain has already gone to Cabo - and his body is being told - BUT YOU NEED TO DO THIS. Playing the game gets him out of work mode, but keeps the energy level up. Maybe make the remodeling like a video game - except you are the reward and in order to get to the "next level" he has to get the window put in. Heck -I dunno buy a whip today and some whipped cream tomorrow????:blushing2:! I wish I had some real answers for you but I can tell you that eventually in our relationship I had to find a way to deal with DF not being able to do things at my pace and BE okay with it. Hugs Star [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
The Watercooler
husband and I - Long Long Vent
Top