husband...Biodad....Jealousy...AARRRGGGHHH!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by ShakespeareMamaX, Feb 25, 2008.

  1. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    Hello, everybody! I have a few things to discuss here and need some lovin'.

    First thing, my difficult child is a bit out of control, lately... Is no good! He's gotten to the point of defiance where he told me and my husband (after nearly throwing a chair out of anger because I asked him to do something) that he didn't HAVE to listen and didn't HAVE to go to his room because he didn't FEEL like it. All this, calm, cool and collected, looking us straight in the eyes. Now, one of my most hated DXs is ODD (no offense to all of you with this diagnosis in their lives!). It's just my personal opinion and I believe it's probably one of the hardest things that could be diagnosed because some kids, well....just don't want to listen.

    Enough about my opinions, though. I assume this is what goes on at school. I do, as well as the school, see him getting more and more aggressive as time goes on. I'm relating this to another one of his "cycles". Nobody wants to listen to me about my theory, but it just so happens that this is what's CLEARLY going on! I think I'll print out a line graph on some fliers and hand 'em out.

    And if I didn't mention it before, the cycle is skyrocketing...QUICKLY. He pushed one girl, slapped another and slammed 5 kids down to the ground during recess.

    Enough of that, though.

    Problem number two: My husband is throwing a FIT because my difficult child's father and I are getting along...very well. I mean...not in a romantically threatening way (gag), but we talk on the phone everyday and he gives me rides to my kids' and my appts (as nobody else can). He came to my house one night, having bought dinner for difficult child and himself, and sat in my kitchen to eat it with him as I just kinda wandered around the house.

    husband's problems:

    1. Biodad should NOT be in our house.
    2. Biodad should NOT be giving me rides, ANYWHERE (even to the hospital if he's in the area. husband said he'd rather call a cab).
    3. If difficult child's in trouble at school and needs to be picked up, I have no right to go with biodad. In fact, husband said he'd rather I just walked than go with biodad.
    4. I need to stop talking on the phone with him and stop being "best buddies" and knock everything down to no more than "cordial".
    5. Biodad was going to lend me his car (when I could still drive), as mine has been broken for a while, so I could get to all my appts and such (he uses his work van for everything and his car just sits in the parking lot). No no no...not allowed. Waaaaaay over the limit.
    6. Biodad should not be attending therapy sessions with difficult child and me. It's just him, or just me.
    7. I should not be there if biodad is there and difficult child has a reg doctor appointment or dentist appointment.

    husband claims this has nothing to do with security issues. He trusts me, he says, and doesn't think there's any attraction like that with each other. He says he thinks everytime I call/text someone, it's biodad. He doesn't want to be around his AT ALL unless he's picking difficult child up or dropping him off. We can only talk on the phone if it's strictly about difficult child and that's it. We shouldn't be talking about biodad's family, where he's moving, the girl he's interested in, etc...

    Am I wrong? Please be honest. Of course I'm angry about this and feel my husband is completely out of line, but constructive critisism never hurt and may open my eyes.

    HELP!!! :hammer:
     
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Ok, there was a lot in the post. Sounds like your son's aggression is increasing. What has the school done regarding the latest "He pushed one girl, slapped another and slammed 5 kids down to the ground during recess." That's some serious physical aggression for an 8 year old. How do you all address these types of things at home? What type of consequences does your son have for physically touching someone in an angry manner? That needs to be nipped in the bud before that comes home to you, husband, and the baby, in my opinion.

    In regards to ex, I do understand a little how husband feels. The two of you talk every day, he gives you rides to both kids appointments, he has offered you his car, you attend "family" therapy together even though husband is your new family (you and ex should be doing this seperately, even though I understand why it would be beneficial to meet together occasionally), he comes in your and husband's home and sits down and eats as if it's nothing. That's a lot of "husband and wife" type behavior.

    I am absolutely sure that husband feels very threatened. It is his responsibility to take care of you (and your son is part of you). He may not be able to provide you with new or additional transportation and it probably really bothers him that your ex can do it. It probably makes him feel like and inadequate provider. He loves you, your son and your'alls baby. He wants to be the provider and the strong one. Watching your ex become a friend rather than just "the ex" is not sitting well with him.

    Personally, I believe you do need to be sensative to his feelings. Look at the contact you and ex have right now and decide what is absolutely mandatory. Part of being a good marriage partner is compromise. If this bothers your partner so much, don't you think it's worth bending for?

    How would you feel were the tables turned. If he were to talk to his ex every single day? If he and his ex were driving around town together? If his ex came in and ate at your home as if it were nothing? I think it would be natural to feel a little threatened.

    Just my two cents.

    Sharon
     
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Ok, so can your life get ANY more complicated than this?

    First: re: difficult child: I am on the same page as you are with ODD. It's driving me nvts, as many kids with this diagnosis are thrust into a group without looking at what's driving the behavior.

    Now officially off the soap box.

    Regarding the Ex situation.

    Hmmm. Sounds like the old cigarette commercial "he's come a long way, baby!". To be honest, I admire anyone who's willing to grow up and start acting the way they're supposed to. It's admirable that he's helping you and difficult child with all that he should have done when you guys were together.

    HOWEVER: (there's always one of those!)

    husband has been the "dad" and "husband" and the position is slowly being eroded by a guy who was not the person that he should have been for all this time.

    He says he's not feeling threatened right now (although I doubt it!) and for arguements sake let's say he's not. He is watching another person who left the love of his life and her child to flounder on their own (whether that be figuratively, emotionally, financially etc) come into his house, with his wife and become her new "best girlfriend". While you have evolved beyond the "may the fleas of a thousand camels infest his armpits" mentality, husband doesn't get it. The guy was a toad who flat-left you at a bad time in your life. How DOES she get over it?!!!

    Sit down with husband. Let him know that you hear him. Let him know the value that he adds to your life. Listen to his feelings as to what's comfortable for him vs. what's helpful to you. Agree on time's, places, and circumstances. This whole thing is going to be about compromise. Make sure that HE knows his position is noted and that you still love and respect him. Make sure that HE knows that you also deserve the same love and respect and through that you're willing to look at it from both perspectives.

    On again to difficult child. This has GOT to be confusing him as well. Think about it: this relationship is confusing a grown man (husband). How does it look to him (difficult child)? Deep down maybe he's thinking "maybe they're getting back together", then it becomes "what if they do?", "what happens to me", "what happens to husband", "where will I live"? You also mentioned that the Ex is moving. How far is that going to be? Yet another slew of questions are growing in difficult child's head!!!

    I firmly believe that an ODD diagnosis. usually is fed by an inordinate amount of anxiety that kids don't know how to deal with. This could be feeding his cycles as well.

    As far as advice? I'd slow things down.

    Gotta go...my sister needs me to take her easy child/difficult child to school!

    Keep us posted!

    Beth

    PS: Please take this from the heart - I hope I didn't do/say anything that might hurt your feelings (the kids have been home for 9 straight days...all tact has currently left me and is flying somewhere over the United States!).
    me
     
  4. mom23gsfg

    mom23gsfg New Member

    well to start off ive sorta been on both sides of the fence . me and my hub's ex wife turned out to be friends. and much to his horror i have even invited her to have dinner with us and etc. (he thinks i shouldnt have done that) (when she was still living with us he thought she should just pick her up "without coming in and no dealings with him just me ")and strangely he was mad because i was not jealous , "i didnt feel any at all .ive never been jealous in my life ,just not that type of person" the way i see it is that the past is the past and thats where it should stay.
    on the other hand my ex when he did decide to pop into my childrens' lives once a year (he no longer sees them )he was ate up with jealousy.i have even seen this man get jealous over a man i dated in gradeschool. ugh
    however i dated a man for awhile before my hub and it just didnt work . but we remained friends for almost a year and that was it until he found out i was seeing someone else so he decided he wanted me back. not even a hint until then. so whos to say what could be going on in ur ex's mind?
    however i have been friends with men i have dated "until hub put a stop to it because of his jealousy by threatening them" and we where friends for years. however i had one when he got married his wife was extremly jealous so that deflated the friendship. but i did have one that still to this day i talk to them and their wife.
    i guees it all comes down to insicurities and and maybe u can ask urself if u where in his shoes what would u feel if the roles where reversed? or maybe it just whats in ur comfort zone. also when someone u love is around someone they once cared about i guees u cant help what goes through ur mind even though u know better than to even think it.
    good luck with the green eyed monster of jelousy !
     
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    First the ODD. It rarely ever stands alone. There is most often some other diagnosis driving the ODD behavior and until it is found and taken care of, the ODD persists and escalates. I'd see a neuropsychologist or a Psychiatrist (with the MD) for another opinion as to whether or not it is only ODD. ODD is a hand-in-hand diagnosis with mood disorders and often appears with kids who are on the autism spectrum too. Your son isn't better so it's worthwhile to get another perspective. Maybe his medications are making him worse instead of better.

    Secondly, I'm friends with my ex for the sakes of my kids, but if I talked to him every day, took rides with him, invited him in for dinner, etc. my hub, who isn't a jealous man, would get upset. Reverse the situation and think of how you'd like it. I'm sure he feels insecure, even though he won't admit it. I would be very insecure if my hub was that close to another woman. Frankly, I don't think it's right to see somebody of the opposite sex without your hub being there--let's face it. Attraction CAN develop. I wouldn't stay close friends with a man unless my hub was around when I saw him because I want to keep my marriage solid, and I sure wouldn't want him being good friends with anyone female unless I was always there too. Call me insecure, but I wouldn't like it one bit.

    Anyways, I hope it all turns around for your child--I know how hard it can be :)
     
  6. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    Wow! Many many questions to answer. I'll try to go in order according to topic:

    difficult child's Issues

    LittleDudesMom

    Q: That's some serious physical aggression for an 8 year old. How do you all address these types of things at home? What type of consequences does your son have for physically touching someone in an angry manner?

    A: I talk to my difficult child while he's at school, I go to the school and, upon the school's request, I take him out of school. I try to pick his brain, ask why he acted that way (he pushed the girl because she poked him, slapped the girl because she was chasing and teasing him, the 5 kids... unexplainable). Usually, I try to have him write about it. I've given him a journal. Told him to write any feelings (even swears!) that may help him get his anger out. I try to avoid just sending him to his room but, at times, I feel it's the only resort. Most of the time, he responds with "I don't know" when I ask him about his behavior, but then he'll burst out hours later saying how bad he is and how he shouldn't be alive because of the things he does. I always encourage him and stress not to apologize, but show changes in behavior. I tell him it always counts when he's trying. It's tough... I'm open for suggestions.

    nvts

    Q: On again to difficult child. This has GOT to be confusing him as well. Think about it: this relationship is confusing a grown man (husband). How does it look to him (difficult child)? Deep down maybe he's thinking "maybe they're getting back together", then it becomes "what if they do?", "what happens to me", "what happens to husband", "where will I live"? You also mentioned that the Ex is moving. How far is that going to be? Yet another slew of questions are growing in difficult child's head!!!

    A: This is a touchy subject, but I'm glad you're shining this light on it. Ex is moving about 2 blocks from where he used to live. This is confusing to me as anyone else as we've never gotten along so well until he started getting into both of his son's lives. His brother's mom recently got married and Ex is best friends with her (actual best friends). They hang out on a regular basis, have dinner together (husband included, sometimes), etc... I guess, seeing that and how difficult child's brother has had no behavior changes, I didn't think my son would react to the situation so harshly (assuming this is the cause). I also couldn't understand why my husband would have such a problem having seen their relationship.

    MidwestMom

    Q: Maybe his medications are making him worse instead of better.

    A: He did just have his Risperdal doubled (he was on the lowest dose), so everyone has their fingers crossed that the increase will decrease his outbursts. I'm not ready to change medications just yet, but I'll keep you posted on any changes that may occur with this medication dosage (.5 2x a day).
     
  7. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    husband and Ex

    LittleDudesMom

    Q Part 1: In regards to ex, I do understand a little how husband feels. The two of you talk every day, he gives you rides to both kids appointments, he has offered you his car, you attend "family" therapy together even though husband is your new family (you and ex should be doing this seperately, even though I understand why it would be beneficial to meet together occasionally), he comes in your and husband's home and sits down and eats as if it's nothing. That's a lot of "husband and wife" type behavior.

    Q Part 2: It probably makes him feel like and inadequate provider. He loves you, your son and your'alls baby. He wants to be the provider and the strong one. Watching your ex become a friend rather than just "the ex" is not sitting well with him.

    A Part 1: I try to understand my husband, but he refuses to give me a reason why, just that it's "unacceptable". Ex does give rides to my kids and I, but I have no other choice. I tell my husband he's last on the list, but the list before him always fails. Ex is only transportation and, by no means, are we hanging out for social time. He drops me/us off, leaves, and picks us up and drives us home. I give him gas money, at the most. Ex hasn't attended family therapy, yet, but I told husband that I would like to maybe just go to one or two in the beginning as Ex isn't familiar with my son's mental health docs. Ex came into my house once to have dinner with difficult child that he bought him and I stayed away and let them have their time. When husband got home, he left, having finished dinner and was respectful to husband in speaking with him.

    A Part 2: As for the inadequate provider. To be blunt, he is. His job prevails over everything and I think he knows it. When I was well and could still drive, I brought my difficult child to therapy appts, psychiatrist appts, physician appts, dental appts, picked him up from school, attended every meeting I was summoned to for the school, dealt with the suspensions, the complaints, the daily reports, the RXs, my daughter's dentist appts, doctor appts, my own therapy, psychiatrist, physician and dental appts (most of which I had to cancel because I had to deal with difficult child), all while trying to get as many hours in that I could at my own job. My husband doesn't even know any of the docs' names...for any of us. He attended one family therapy session because I threatened to leave. The doctor saw the black and white relationship we have. The biggest factor was my husband stating he's "always right", concluding to I'm always wrong. I leave for one night, one night to console a friend. When I kept calling husband from 7am (he answered every time in a sleepy voice, but said he was up) and got home at 11am, he was still sleeping. I was furious as our daughter was still in her crib, hadn't eaten, been changed, etc... I realized, at that point, I can't even rely on him when he's not working.

    Q: Personally, I believe you do need to be sensative to his feelings. Look at the contact you and ex have right now and decide what is absolutely mandatory. Part of being a good marriage partner is compromise. If this bothers your partner so much, don't you think it's worth bending for?

    A: No. Compromise is not in his vocabulary and, in most cases, he won't talk to me at all. It's a guessing game with every problem and, in the meantime, I have to rattle my brain wondering what I did wrong. If I do get him to talk, again...he's right, I'm wrong, end of story.

    Q: How would you feel were the tables turned. If he were to talk to his ex every single day? If he and his ex were driving around town together? If his ex came in and ate at your home as if it were nothing? I think it would be natural to feel a little threatened.

    A: He asked me to do that, using an (evil) ex of his. I never met the girl, but had my "evil" opinion created by how he talked about her. It's hard to relate, as they don't have a child together which, in my opinion, makes a heck of a difference. If he talked to her everyday, ok, honestly it make urk me. That's where I tried to compromise, though. I told him I'd lesson it, but some convos are lengthy depending on the updates and solutions dealing with difficult child. I've explained about the driving around together. If my husband was sick, first off, I'D be the one driving him. If I couldn't, I would understand the second means of transportation. I would prefer to be present if his ex was eating dinner in our house but my husband had forbade his coming in AT ALL, EVER, after the fact. I would, at least, give the girl a chance (I'm pretty forgiving) and if he was happy with how she was treating their kid instead of raging around the house how she's not involved in their kid's life and she's not paying child support and she doesn't know teachers' names, doctors' names, RXs...wait...this is starting to sound familiar... I should stop. The fact of the matter is, I would compromise.
     
  8. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    nvts

    Q: Sit down with husband. Let him know that you hear him. Let him know the value that he adds to your life. Listen to his feelings as to what's comfortable for him vs. what's helpful to you. Agree on time's, places, and circumstances. This whole thing is going to be about compromise. Make sure that HE knows his position is noted and that you still love and respect him. Make sure that HE knows that you also deserve the same love and respect and through that you're willing to look at it from both perspectives.

    A: Yes...this has been explained. :) I agree this would be a marvelous thing to do. Unfortunately, it takes two to tango and I'm alone on the dance floor.

    jessica_j

    Q: however i dated a man for awhile before my hub and it just didnt work . but we remained friends for almost a year and that was it until he found out i was seeing someone else so he decided he wanted me back. not even a hint until then. so whos to say what could be going on in ur ex's mind?

    A: Good question. Unfortunately, it'll have to stay in his mind, as I make it clear to him (and husband) that there is not (and will never be) a romantic bone in my body for him. His mom once suggested the notion of us getting back together one day. I laughed hysterically...couldn't stop. I think they got the point.

    Q: when someone u love is around someone they once cared about i guees u cant help what goes through ur mind even though u know better than to even think it.

    A: Want to hear an icki story (yeah...I'm not proud...)? Ex and I dated for 1 month, I got pregnant. We tried on and off for 2 yrs with tension you wouldn't believe. He was a verbally/emotionally abusive alcoholic. He cheated on me many times, yet, I had this goal in my head to have a family with my son's (bio)father as I didn't have that. He had massive control issues and anytime I tried to leave him, he threatened suicide. When I decided enough was enough, I let him walk out the door as he threatened to drive into a tree, called 911 and that was the end of our relationship. I hated him, and I mean HATED him. If he had died, I would have peed on his grave (sorry for the details). I said the most horrid things to him everytime I saw him and had kicked myself for ever persuing a relationship for him and my son. The only times we have ever gotten along was when he was being good to his children. Back then, he wouldn't spend 5 minutes with difficult child and we were living together (might I add, while living together, we didn't even hold hands). It took a lot to prove to me that I could trust him...and trust him with our son. I didn't just receive a child support payment and BAM! ...best friends. At first, he showed me with his other son. He was there with the medical issues, then took him in when his son's mom was being a [insert colorful word here]. He took initiative not to have his children around his girlfriend at the time when he started seeing the treatment she was giving them. He called more often to get updates on how difficult child was doing at school. He eventually ended the relationship with-the girlfriend. He hit rock bottom after that (karma?). His other son's mom took his son away from him. He lost his job. He lost his apt. He nearly lost his ability to live freely when I almost brought him to court for all the child support/daycare bills he owed our son/me. I saw a change in him, though. he didn't turn to drinking this time. He realized his kids shouldn't be around during this time of depression he was going through and called on his good days as often as he could. He pulled himself together, got a job, has been making payments directly to me as support enforcement hasn't gotten their stuff together to take $ out of his check, he chose to stay in a safe home (his mom's house) so his kids could start visiting again. His days off, now, are Wed and Thur so those are the days he tries to merge in some visitation time. Those are also the days I make everyone's appts, now, as he's willing to make it possible for my family (me, husband, and both kids) to be healthy and happy. Despite difficult child's aggressive behavior, he's on top of the world when he gets to see his father as often as he has been. I no longer see the escalated bad behavior when he comes home from visits. He's happier, now. My theory is that he senses all the tension between husband and me (and all the not-compromises we're making) and acts out because of it. It could possibly be the school, again, as they already called me at 10:30am asking me to go there and possibly get him because he refused to go to class. It could be the entire equation. I try and try and try to make everything work...to make everybody happy... I think I'm done. Now, I'm not an advocate of divorce, but...

    I can't deal with another man like my ex used to be...


    I take no offense in any of your responses and, please, bring on more. I need all the advice I can right now 'cause I'm at the end on my rope.
     
  9. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Ah honey, you've just got it ALL going on!

    First: big hugs. You need a little bit of a break.

    Second: what's this cr*p of the school calling to have you come get difficult child everytime there's an issue? I went through this with difficult child 3 and it made my life a living he!!, she learned that if she didn't feel like being there she could act up, and husband was on the "we're getting a lawyer" kick, every minute of every day!

    I know what it is to be on the "a divorce might be better than this" tightrope. It svcks! Eventually, it came down to him threatening to leave and me opening the door. I think it made him scared (which was NOT the intention), but I had had enough. I was willing to go it alone rather than put up with the bull. I think I got a little stronger as a result. We worked it out, but it still is a lot of work!

    I know this is a stab in the dark, but any chance at marriage counseling?

    Have you taken a real look at your current relationship vs. past relationships? Make sure that he's not showing the control issues that you've dealt with in the past. That would be frightening!

    Keep posting...it's got to make you feel a little better just getting this stuff off your chest! And it's a lot of stuff!!!

    I know in my first response I said I admired your ex for making the changes; I respect you soooo much more for enduring what you have!!

    Beth
     
  10. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Wow, you have your plate full.
    While I understand your husband's jealousy, I also understand that you and Ex have a child together and what's taking place right now - your son's parents getting along and working together - is, in my humble opinion, what should be happening in every child's life, whether the parents are married or not. What better lesson to teach by example - cooperation with those that aren't exactly high on your list to be buddies with?
    Maybe you could point out to husband that by borrowing ex's car you wouldn't have to be WITH ex so much...does ex pay support? Maybe a small amount could be deducted for "car rental" so husband sees it more as something for your son and less as a buddy-buddy kinda thing with the ex.
    And like Beth said, take a step back and take a good honest look at your relationship with husband. Is he like ex was? Make sure its a healthy relationship before you dive head-first into bending to save it. Some of the things you said in your answers aren't so healthy. (ie not compromising, not going to any appts, including family therapy, not tending to your daughter while you were away...) I realize that we all have traits, if taken out of context, that could be listed and make us look like ogres. Usually those are offset by positives, so, not knowing your husband, I can't say, but you did list some kickers there...
    Above all, hugs.
     
  11. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    The more and more I look at my husband, the more and more I see my ex in the beginning. I have gotten to the point where, if he told me he was leaving, I'd open the door. I've told him not to come home for things, such as, yelling at me for "complaining" and interrupting his time with his friends when he had gone out one night. I called him at 3am. He said I was being mean and he was in a convo, and got off the phone with me. I called between 4 and 4:30am (my legs were in wicked pain). I just wanted him to come home so I could take a bath (I was scared as I had fallen asleep in the tub for an hour last time). He wouldn't answer so, at 4:30, I told him to not give a #@$! somewhere else and don't come home. I locked the door and when he came home (of course) at 5:30am, he threatened to break the door open if I didn't open it for him. He made fun of me and told me I wasn't sick. It was all in my head. A little while later, he went to sleep.

    We tried counseling once (this is after I had threatened to leave). It was unsuccessful and would be surprised if my therapist could ever get our marriage to work. He said my husband seems to live in his own little world of "he's right", he's not integrated with the family, etc... I made another appointment 20 Mar, but that's a long time away.

    All of my friends who see us are leaning (heavily) towards control issues. They went as far as saying he's avoiding fixing my car, so I have to depend on him even more.

    I've explained that using ex's car would be best, since I wouldn't be seeing him. husband didn't care. It's his and he doesn't want me to have anything to do with him. Again, he'd rather I walk to my son's school, than use ex's car or get a ride from ex...

    Ex does pay support and, in fact, it is kind of deducted from what he owes me, for gas money. husband doesn't care, though. He can't believe he is just a "taxi" to me when I get rides from him. *sigh* I dunno...

    And for the record... Let's not be heartless here. I'll make a list of positives about husband:

    1. Sometimes he gets me random presents from the stores he goes to (i.e. a bottle of pomegranate juice, a metal magazine rack for the bathroom, etc...).

    2. About every other month, he'll take the kids out and let me sleep for a morning on the weekend.

    3. He helps discipline difficult child, sometimes.

    Brain...shutting...down...

    I'm sorry. It's hard for me to think. I'll answer about difficult child as best I can and then I have to stop writing. My head's killing me.

    I've talked to difficult child's school many many times about their stupidity. I had to tell them, recently, that I can no longer drive, so they need to take it easy. Luckily, this has deterred them from demanding I go there everyday, but they still want me to come in for a meeting. Mind you, last time I went in to have a meeting with the principal and social worker, when i got there, the principal was on lunch duty and the social worker wasn't even in the school, anymore.

    lately, the principal's been telling me how they're going to look at the iep to do some things in that plan. what?! you're waiting 'til NOW to practice the plan?!?!?!

    *sigh* I'm so happy we're moving out of this town. I'm hoping it will be better for difficult child and not disrupt him to the point of acting out even more...
     
  12. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Sounds to me like your friends are right and he's got some control issues. Which will only get worse.

    If he'd rather you have to WALK and beg rides than either A) fix your car, or B) borrow a car that comes with no attachments to seeing its owner, I'd say he doesn't have the best interest of you and yours at heart.

    If it were me, and I suspected this, I'd be tempted to set him up a little. I'd get a friend involved and ask to borrow their car for an afternoon. Then tell husband that my friend offered to loan me their car. If that wasn't ok, you know its your freedom he doesn't want you to have, not the ex's tie to the car... If he's ok with it, borrow the car for an afternoon, then have friend call "needing" it back because something came up.
     
  13. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    You know what kind of "vacuums" about that, is I can't drive. I'm being evaled for neuro problems (check out "list of symptoms" in Healthful Living). My vision is becoming worse and my legs and arms don't always want to work. No fun... I'm guessing this is why my husband is taking the opportunity to use this "excuse" as he doesn't have to fix my car, right way. The usage of ex's car has been dismissed because of this.

    Screw it...maybe I'll just buy a mobility scooter. It'll take a while to get anywhere, but it'll my my husband happy, right?

    Grrrr..... I get furious just thinking about it.
     
  14. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    You know what, ShakespeareMama? Bulls***!!!!! You're very sick and your husband said that he would rather you walk??? No way. No how. Nuh uh. I can't believe he had the nerve to say that *out loud*.


    husband isn't going to take care of you, obviously, so you have to. And you have to by whatever means necessary. husband can either get with the program or get over it.

    That's my two cents.
     
  15. nvts

    nvts Active Member


    I'm pitching in the other $.98! I agree with Wynter!

    Beth
     
  16. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Sounds to me like husband is suspicious with some cause - he's a bloke, and therefore suspicious of any other blokes with claims on your time.

    Regardless of extreme statements made ("I'd rather you walked") - he's clearly trying to get across to you how strongly he feels, I doubt very much that he would be happy if you DID walk - I don't think it's you he doesn't trust, I think it's your ex. Also, you share things with your ex that you don't share with husband - it's just the way things are.

    I have a gem of a husband, but if this were my situation, I think I'd be hearing the same things from him. I know he would be having a very hard time coping with jealousy, even though as a rule we don't have room for jealousy in our relationship.

    Is there any chance your ex could be hoping that your relationship with him might blossom again? Even if he's currently behaving like a perfect gentleman, he could be just waiting, biding his time and secretly enjoying the conflict his presence is causing, between you and husband. Then if/when your relationship with husband goes pear-shaped, your loving ex will be waiting in the wings to comfort you...

    If that is what husband sees and is afraid of - I can't say I would blame him. The way he's handling it may not be healthy, but a frustrated man afraid for his woman is not the most reasonable creature in the world.

    And there is nothing you can say that could reassure him, because as I said, it's not YOU he is distrusting.

    Marg
     
  17. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    He has stated this, Marguerite. But his jealously is overcoming the priorities of his family. I would have loved for this marriage to work. It's going to end, though. We discussed where we would be living (our house is being foreclosed on. I've lost a lot of money having to miss so much work for everyone's appts. He has turned a blind eye on this (and tried to prevent me from doing anything by erasing all the msgs from the agent and atty and tossing all the mail) and I've been doing everything in my power to prevent it (giving everyone my cell# for one), including keeping the house as spotless as i can, using all of MY savings on an atty, getting an agent and setting up all the showings while husband is at work. I told him our deadline to be out was 17 March (lucky day, huh?). Of COURSE he wouldn't know this, having paid no attention to the situation that I was trying to fix. He got mad and I told him we need to find a new place, asap. I told him about this little place that's only $600 a month that wouldn't require a credit check. He demanded we go to one specific town and he's looking at places for $1100! I'm trying to explain that we CAN NOT do that and we're at the end of our rope. He stuck to his guns. I told him "fine, but if there's nothing set up by the 17th, I'm going to the $600 apt by myself".

    I swear, it's one thing after another.

    I stop smoking. He pressures me to start back up. :cigarsmoker:

    I stop eating meat. He insults me. :oktoberfest:

    I cook for everyone. He'll say he's not hungry, then, go to Taco Bell a half hour, later. :morecrackers:

    I say I want to get a second job to make up for the money I'm missing out on. He shoots me down and says I can't do it. :talkhand:

    I say I want to fix up the house so we can sell it (myself). Again, he shoots me down saying I can't/won't do it. :nono:

    I start learning car mechanics to fix my own car so I would stop "bothering" him. He gets mad, saying he could have done it. Mind you, he let me go months driving myself and the kids around with barely any working brakes claiming "there's nothing wrong with your car". My boots were worn to the bone and my brake fluid's leaking all over the place from a broken gasket! (It's really bad) :crazydriver:


    I've definitely found Mr. Right! I had no idea, though, that when I changed my name, it became Mrs. Wrong. :clubbing:
     
  18. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    I'm sorry to hear that. But it does sound like the marriage is in serious trouble if you haven't been able to work as a team for some time. He sounds like he's raised denial to an art form.

    If he hadn't been hiding the mail, would it have been possible to save the house? Or was he only hiding from the inevitable?

    I do hope you sort it out soon. If he can demonstrate to your satisfaction a budget which would let you live in the higher rent place, would you move there? Alternatively, is there any chance he will come round and move to the $600 place?

    You are entitled to respect and the right to make your own choices personally (such as giving up smoking). It's unfortunate when we have people in our lives who cannot accept these changes we may choose to make in ourselves.

    If this is where you are after two years, it's not good.

    I hope you can sort out these issues firmly, one way or another, soon.

    Marg
     
  19. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    We would have had a lot more time to sell the house (and less chance of foreclosure, had I gotten that mail.

    I doubt he'd EVER give in to one of my ideas. Once he's made up his mind, that's it.

    I've never believed in the "d' word, but after 5 years of being with him, it's done nothing but escalate in problems.

    I dunno... I'm usually not a quitter...but I think it would be so much healthier if I left. I found a friend I can stay with, but the problem is, I'd have no way to get difficult child to school as it's one town away. Man...I wish it was summer. I don't want to transfer him, either, as this will just be temp and the last thing difficult child needs is to make new friends just to have them ripped away from him...
     
  20. tammyjh

    tammyjh New Member

    I'm so sorry that difficult child is spiralling:sad-very:

    As far as your husband goes, I think he sounds very controlling...I could see him being jealous but I think it goes way beyond that and some of the things he's saying seem downright cruel to me. If he can't come to the understanding that he's being unreasonable and needs to do some changing, it probably won't happen. I know you say you are not a quitter but don't think that if you need to leave him, it makes you a quitter because it doesn't. It makes you a fighter...fighting for yourself and your need to be treated well.
     
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