husband could use some Rhino Skin

[Mom2oddson]

Poor husband, He gets home from NY to have difficult child-Ant see him for 20 minutes. Then Ant ignores him for a week or two. husband laid down the law to Ant, have your GED by the 16th of July or your phone is being turned off. (Of course, both Ant and I know that was an empty threat).

husband was so excited because Ant called to say he was coming over. You'd of thought some super-star sports hero was coming over for how happy husband was. Ant did come over yesterday, not to visit, but to snow daddy into thinking that he was trying to get that GED. He wanted daddy to go and set up everything and let him know when the test dates where. At least husband didn't fall for that one. husband told Ant to go figure everything out and then he'd pay the registration fee.

Then Ant complained that he needs a full time job. His Uncle has one for him at the lumber mill making double minimum wage, but Ant doesn't want that one.

Finally he told husband that he's just going to do his own thing right now. I'm fine with that, it's what he's always done. But poor husband is broken-hearted and down.

Today, the hardest part of having difficult children in my life, is seeing how much they hurt husband. It's okay when they cause me pain, my rhino skin is pretty tough. And when it isn't, I can come here to have my wounds taken care of. Then, I also have my therapist to talk to. Poor husband, he won't see a therapist, won't come on this sight, won't anything (because he's a tough man that doesn't need that stuff). So he is now depressed, licking his wounds and mourning what could of been all alone.

If you wouldn't mind, Send some board strength husband's way. He could use it. Thanks.

 

[DaisyFace]

Ugh! Poor husband...

I'd lend him my rhino skin, but it's pretty thin these days...

Maybe he needs to find a way to detach and escape?

 

[witzend]

I'm sorry... My husband would just clam up about this stuff, but I never saw him get his hopes up. I know that I did from time to time, but no more. It's tough to be a cynic. If you asked him to go to the therapist with you to work on some of your issues (it hurts you to see him hurt, and you want for you both to be happy and excited about life) would he go? It's kind of tricking him into it, but if you get him in the door, maybe you both will find a safe haven for these hard times.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I'm sorry. The only perspective I have on this is of my own father, and his frustration with trying to understand my oldest brother, who is/was most definitely a difficult child. His choices seemed to bother my father more than my mother, she was more able to detach, I think. My dad always wanted to know "why," and of course, with a difficult child, often there is no "why," at least not one that we can understand.

Sending strength to your husband. I hope someday he'll be willing to at least attend a support group with you. Hugs.

 

[susiestar]

I am sorry your husband is hurting so badly right now. Would he go see your therapist with you if you made it sound like it would really help YOU learn to handle some things if he went?

Years ago, when I was a preteen, my mom forced my dad to go to see a therapist. Back then NO ONE saw tdocs outside of Hollywood and there was a lot of stigma attached. My dad thought it was all BS but he went because my mom said it was therapist or divorce. They took my bro to quite a few sessions and I went to 2 of them. My dad and brother's relationship was very toxic and getting worse and worse by the hour. My father did NOT admit that he learned anything or that therapy was anything other than a complete waste of time. He went anyway, as long as Mom insisted.

Decades later, actually only a couple of years ago, he told me he admired me for dragging the kids and husband to therapy. He said that in spite of the way he acted back when Mom dragged him to therapy, he really learned a lot and it helped him be a better person, parent, spouse and teacher. He had only recently admitted it to himself, and it was a real shock to both Mom and I. Especially in light of the way he behaved when he was going to the therapist!

So if you can get your husband to the therapist for a few sessions it is likely to be quite helpful whether he knows it or admits it or not. Just make sure your therapist knows the issues ahead of time and is prepared to make it seem like the sessions are not all about helping him, but are about helping you instead.

It may seem like scheming, or trickery, but sometimes it is far more effective to use a roundabout way to get things done. It probably will be very helpful to you if he learns how to handle the situation with difficult child, so it is not a lie when you say that he is going to the therapist to help you. It is not the complete truth, but it is not a lie. (As my Great Grandma used to say, "They say you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. You can if you lead him in far enough." Sometimes we have to lead our loved ones into the water pretty far before the hurt can be soothed by the water.

 

[Mom2oddson]

I keep working on husband to come and talk to therapist, and I hope someday he does. She's been a part of our family for 10 years now. She was the first one that difficult child-Ant saw, then she saw difficult child-Step. I even had easy child go because 10 years ago, I thought it was my parenting. She told me that easy child was one to the most well-adjusted kids she's met. I've continued with her because she truly understand the difficult children. I don't think anyone else would believe me without knowing them first.

I know that husband will consider himself fine in a few days. He'll have stuffed down all his pain by then. It's what he's been trained to do. Growing up with mother in law, he couldn't say anything for fear of what her reaction/punishment would be. And when she would do a complete 180 and he said anything, he'd be told that he didn't remember right or that he was lying. I really wish he would go talk to someone, he has a lot of past pain to deal with.

The thing is, he's glad that I go, he says it does me good. However, when I remember the Massive Fit mother in law threw when she found out that I was taking difficult child-Ant to see a therapist/psychiatrist.... I can see why husband doesn't want to go. mother in law threw a 3 hour fit about how "no one in her family has a problem" it was all me and easy child that were messed up. When I wouldn't back down, she showed up to meet this so called doctor.... she was in the room for 15 minutes and left. The therapist said "she has the same problems as her grandchild".... I still smile over that one!

 

[AnnieO]

Hugs... And I'll share my rhino skin. It's rather thin right now, but every little layer helps.

FWIW, my mother in law is a counselor. I wish she saw someone, but it's always someone else with the problem - never her. She says over and over how she won't offer advice because she cannot counsel her own family, then does it. In the most hurtful way possible. Even Onyxx has requested never to be alone with her anymore.

Tdocs (many of them, anyway!) are great - you can tell them in advance you want to bring husband with you, warn them he's resistant - and then make the focus YOU. After a few sessions, even my husband thought some of my counselor's suggestions were spot on.

And he's actually admitting he's an enabler now... Baby steps...