husband expects payback...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by lovemysons, Sep 13, 2012.

  1. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    My husband is cracking me up! He already has oldest difficult child giving us 3 to 5 hundred dollars every Friday from oldest difficult child's paycheck. Now, this morning he tells me that when we get through putting easy child through all of her years of school...Masters and Doctorate, that she ALSO will be expected to give us 10%.
    He wants young difficult child to get his stuff together and begin to "pay us back" as well, lol.

    I told him...I'll never get those 10 plus years back. All the pain, the worry, heartache...not to mention my sanity!!!

    Anyway, I just wondered if any of your husband's are expecting a payback from your children?
    Mine is dead serious...It just makes me laugh.

    ps...Talk about a resentment! lol
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    DAAAAANNNNGGGG! You mean we can ask the kids to pay us back?!

    :rofl: yeah, sure.
  3. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I just showed husband my post. He said, "I don't understand why you think this is funny?...
    "They should have to feel the pain on a weekly basis when they have to reach out of their pockets and pay us!"

    He's kinda scary, lol.

    But in all seriousness...we are in the process of repairs. As I speak there is a work crew here patching holes in walls and painting...Damage in large part done by our difficult child's.

    We HAVE to sell our house and downsize...we just can't afford this house. the debt, the bills, anymore.
    And it is MOSTLY our difficult child's who have put us in the financial position that we are in today.

    For me though...There is no amount of "money" they could ever repay. on the other hand...I did learn alot about myself, others, life because of all that the difficult child's put us through.

  4. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I always thought the payback was when they have children.....

  5. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Yes TL,

    That used to be a fun thought til I ended up with 5 beautiful grandchildren, smile. Now I don't even want to imagine any of them having the kind of mental illness or sub abuse problems that my difficult child's have had.

    HOWEVER, minus the above, You bet they can STILL give their parents some HE double Hockey Sticks! lol

  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Actually I completely understand where he is coming from. on the other hand if he can actually get it back I'd say he is Wonder Man.As you know husband and I are in a sad financial position in our old age and literally it is all due to GFGmom. Both of us really hold negative feelings that will never ebb. It's hard to explain how you can love and resent at the same time but it is possible. If your husband can pull this off he may actually be able to see the adult children as family contributors instead of the habitual takers they have been.

    Of course we love her sons, our difficult child's, but when we see her the financial resentment resurfaces. She has never given a cent to support the decades we've lovingly spent raising or help raising them. on the other hand she has gone on lots of cruises, destination vacations etc. and always has a new car than we do. We are not materialistic people but her choices have really harmed us. I think your husband is on to something. DDD
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    You are Wonder Woman! Honestly, I don't know how you've done it. Raising 6 kids and then 2 grandchildren. That's pretty amazing. And I can certainly understand why there is a sting and always will be in your relationship with difficult child mom. I think it's safe to say she continues to be a fairly self-centered/self-serving person. I just hope the years of GFGmom stress is not what has now affected your health now. I worry about you doing, giving, so much of yourself to others. I pray for you often, DDD.

    Well I talked further with husband and he says that while he does have some resentments he feels, at least in our difficult child's cases, that this is reporation for all the damage done to our family and finances. He see's it as if we experienced a War. He said that in the case of easy child. He has put in his blood, sweat, and tears to get her to where she is today (particularly as it pertains to her bowling scholarship) and that if and when she is making a 100k a year, that 10% back, is not asking too much.

    He said he thinks this should be an ongoing "family philosophy" that we took care of them and now it is their turn to take care of us. And, If all 3 of our adult children are fully functional at somepoint and each able to give us at least 300a week, then we should be taken care of in our older age. That is the hope husband has now.
    Me...I just want them to be able to take care of their own families needs.

    DDD, like you, it would be real easy for husband and I to end up with the grands if there was trouble. As you may recall, daughter in law and young difficult child's 3 children, are living with daughter in law's mother right now. No one wants to see the grandchildren go without. on the other hand, I am not in the same physical condition that I once was and not really sure I could handle it mental stability is very important to me too.

  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    husband and I figure if we can actually turn them into productive members of society so we aren't supporting them to our last days here... we'll have had our payback. Anything else is a bonus.
  9. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I expect him to pay me back for legal issues. Medical, well that's mine as he was still underage. All the other stuff....grrrr...I'll never get it back or ask for it. Just praying he will turn out ok.

    I'd still rather be dealing with this than a lot of other things.
  10. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    If we would ask that from my kids they would probably tell us to sought any compensation we wish for from our own parents who apparently didn't teach us about contraception. And I kind of have to agree. We purposely had these children and we purposely put money on them. Our choices and not something they are not in any way responsible for. Now that difficult child is an adult, us using money on him is totally our choice. We are lucky to live in system, there he would not be dying on cold and hunger and lack of medical care in streets even if he or we would do nothing to help him. So it really is our choice, how much we are willing to help him. And honestly he isn't costing us too much. Currently his therapy costs may mean we have to postpone our kitchen renovation and husband has to drive his current car few years longer. Those are not big sacrifices and we even still have hope his therapy would be publicly funded. So it is easy to me to say.

    But also our culture is so, that asking compensations from our kids is really foreign idea. While most of us are not farmers any more (I think less than 5 % are employed by agriculture nowadays in this country), our culture is very strongly based on small, independent family farms. It shows in many concepts in our culture but it also shows in how we see family finances. An idea that everyone can do what they wish to their money and property is odd to us. We still mentally see things from the point of view, there you have inherited your estate(family farm), you live from it, you develop it in your best abilities and you leave it to your children when you die. And it is your responsibility to your family line to keep good care of it, because it is not really just yours, it's also your ancestor's and your offspring's and you are countable to them. While most of us are not owning farms any more I think it will take quite a few generations before that mental idea disappears from our culture. It shows even in our laws. For example to disown your child and leave them no inheritance you have to actually show, they have gravely harmed you or caused you misery with their choices. Even if we would want to, we probably couldn't disown our difficult child. While he has stolen from us, he was still a minor then. And he has caused us public embarrassment, but again, he was a minor. If he would choose to pathologically gamble and steal, when we would be allowed to disown him. But if your offspring is not doing anything criminal or organizing public manifestations about how much you suck (and they would need to be false allocations, if you really suck, it doesn't count), you are not really allowed to disown them and they will inherit you even if you hated their guts.

    But now I rambled far from the topic. But I have to say, that my kids paying back to us is very foreign and odd idea for me. Of course if difficult child ends up to that level in his sport, there he would make few million dollars a year (yeah, dream on) I wouldn't mind some nice Christmas presents from him ;)
  11. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Um, ditto what SuZir said.

    I can't even imagine expecting "reparation" from my kids. I'm not saying you or your h are wrong, but it would never dawn on me. If anything, I would hope they pay it forward to future generations. Plus, I want them to be independent and paying us money would extend the parent/child relationship too far into the future. And I think my kids would resent it.

    Now, if one of them goes on to be the next Bill Gates or the next Tom Brady and wants to buy his mommy a vacation home on the beach, out of gratitude for all our sacrifices- wouldn't protest too loudly. :)
  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    I guess I better clarify. I never said I was in agreement with my husband about this.
    I only want our children to be able to support their own families.

    I look at what we gave them as a gift. What they do/have done with it is completely up to them.

    I agree that becoming a responsible, (and please SOBER) productive member of society, is more than enough "repayment" if you will.
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I just want my kids to be happy, healthy and lord knows, not in jail. At the moment they are in a fighting match between each other over who gets to take care of us when we get old. I guess that is our Tony tells me that I get to go with Cory and he will go with Jamie. I say fine but that means I get Keyana and Kenzie and he gets the evil ones. Jamie says No..he is gonna move to the coastal area of VA and buy enough property so we can put all of us on the one piece of land that way Cory can live there too...lmao. Ahhh...Jamie has always dreamed of having the whole family together again. He would give anything to win the lottery and buy a huge place so we could all live together.
  14. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Janet - that IS your payback, right here and now. You have put values into your kids, and one of those is "care". You cared about them, and they care about you. Whether or not they ever have a dime to put toward your care or not, they CARE, and will do what they can. I hope my kids end up feeling that way about us.
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Suzir, lol, LMS's husband came up with a "rare" thought. I've never heard of it either...neither has LMS. It's not a cultural thing it's a parental vent combined with a dream from a hardworking middle age Dad who is in a financial bind that he never dreamed he would be in. difficult child's can do that to easy child parents.

    Janet I think I'd stress to the boys that some of their loving manpower right now will likely prolong your life. If Jamie came home alone for a weekend, acted as the leader for the other boys and tossed out or stored the clutter from your home I bet you'd feel ten years younger and healthier. Hugs DDD
  16. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    LMS I certainly got that you didnt agree with husband, that you were laughing partly because how on earth can they ever pay us back??

    When my son was going into the last tx place and i had a good visit with us he talked of paying us back....truth is unless he really gets it together and makes it big i dont see how he will ever be able to afford it. I think he feels guilty about how much he has cost us, just not guilty enough to do what he needs to do. I told him then allni want is for him to get his life together and be a productive member of society! That would be enough payback for me.

    It still kind of amazes me that this kid who grew up in a middle class of good and responsible parents, with lots of opportunities, ends up being homeless and panhandling for money! Ugh that is not who we are!

  17. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    I completely agree. Almost everything I have came from MY hard work. My parents paid almost nothing towards my college education, yet they had the means to do so. I figured if I chose to leave home at 17 to get married, then college was my problems, not theirs.

    My difficult child has repeatedly indicated that what is mine is his.....HUH?!? Where did he get this idea?!? Sure, when you are a kid, but know that you are 19 (as you tell me all the time), doesn't that mean you pay for yourself?

    He calls it HIS car, yet last I checked, I paid for it. I pay for the gas, insurance and repairs. And yes, it was me standing in line to buy a tag for it recently. And if I don't want YOU to drive MY car because you have a warrant out, then that is MY choice.

    Besides.....don't forget that the 9th step is to make amends. If our difficult children are going to get healthy, then they need to make amends to everyone, unless it would do them more harm, to the best of their ability and to the extent it takes for them to release their shame and guilt. That's part of the cure.

    Sorry about the rant. I've been around wayyy more than my share of entitled teenagers and young adults. It's time they start earning their way, including paying their way. Most people our age don't have enough saved for retirement. Do you think these kids will be there to help?!? Not me. I'm putting on my life jacket and then I will help difficult child clasp his.

    Just my two cents.
  18. Srcsweet2

    Srcsweet2 New Member

    Sounds like my son 24 years old doing drugs and yelling at me that I need to move home so he can live with me like all his friends that I am his mother and mothers take care of their 24 really? I will admit it is hard living so far away from him as his life falls apart but even from here I was paying his rent ect...I am done now with that ...but paying me back ..someone said here unless he hits it big there would be no way he could...I just hope he gets help and gets his life together so maybe I could finally get some rest ...
  19. 2confused

    2confused New Member

    My 17 year old son has put us through a lot - including legal costs, home repairs, etc. He is in school making good grades right now and working part time. He started his job over the summer, has continued it with school, and is handing over his paychecks to pay us back for some of the costs. It's an agreement he made with himself and us. While it lasts (and it may not), we are happily taking his money. Truth be told, should he stay "straight", we will be giving that money back for him to use when he is fully trustworthy - to use for future school, etc., but he does not know this. For now, I think it is therapeutic for him to know he is helping fix some things he messed up. Unfortunately, as said - this may not last - and there is always the risk he will relapse into old behaviors, because his recovery is relatively new, but we are hopeful that this continues, and hopeful that he keeps his promise to himself and us. Since much of the money we have spent would have ultimately been used for his future, he is in effect "paying himself back" without knowing it, and hopefully gaining some insight at the same time.
  20. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    It is just amazing the entitlement all over our difficult children! We used all our college savings for Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and other treatments. Its gone.
    She still exspects us to pay for community college. She was so smart she could have gotten scholarships.
    Instead, she got a GED. She expects to have all her needs met while she works a part time job
    to pay her brother restitution. I think not. You want your hair colored, a new pair of shoes, or
    some makeup? Enjoy wanting. You made the choices that are making life hard. I actually think that
    these kids should pay back their parents for damages to their home and vehicles. Most of us are lucky
    To even get a heart felt apology!
    Last night difficult child left a hot pan with oil unattended on the stove. It burned up my microwave and the
    of a cabinet. Ok this happens....trouble is she was on the phone with a guy she met on FB breaking
    Our house rule of not talking to people we have not met. With her history of sexual acting out, this
    Guy could be a preditor for all we know. She's on probation and not following our rules is a violation.
    She has no remorse for the damage she did last are just suppose to suck it up
    and not report her innapropriate phone use.
    I'm sorry. Some of our difficult children should pay for their damage.