husband fired difficult child

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by upallnight, Jul 3, 2008.

  1. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    I'm usually so detached over difficult child and his antics, not wanting to know what he's doing because it's always the same behavior. Some of you remember my situation with him. He graduated HS, very violent, a complete liar, thief, and refusing to work. Long story short-we ended up having to get a restraining to keep difficult child away from us. It was bad, we didn't even know what normal was anymore, if ever. He was born like this, by the way. Fighting , stealing and suspensions were his personality pretty much. After that:

    difficult child lived in a rooming house, and worked in a casino, living life-existing-but paying his own bills. Learning important life skills. husband is a carpenter, in a union, makes a fine living, with great benefits and when husband thought difficult child has his stuff together- brought him into the union too. He's been there about a year now and difficult child has completely screwed this up, his best opportunity. He will not pay his bills, get's "blotto" (his words) every night. He comes to work an hour late, whines and complains about how work *****, and it's like pulling teeth to get any work out of him. He bums money from everyone. He told husband yesterday the reason he was late was because , "Duh, I was hungover". I keep away all this nonsence and NEVER want to hear it, but yesterday difficult child came over and told me how he can't pay his bills because, "what am I just supposed to not have any fun". HE ALSO STOLE easy child'S IPOD. I thought husband was gonna have a heart attack yesterday, husband was freaking out and difficult child and he did bring it back. Today difficult child got to work and started yelling at husband, he wanted money!!!! And he was a mess!!!!!!!!!!- husband fired him and I know, I KNOW I have to be detached, but I'm still very upset, heartbroken and sad for him. And for my poor husband who is never detatched from this- it's killing him. I can't even get into that-the stress. What will become of difficult child???Thank you for letting me vent. I tried to discuss this with my BFF-this subject is usually off limits- and I started to cry.-Alyssa
     
  2. Genny

    Genny Worlds Best Nana

    What will become of difficult child??
    Well, that's up to him.
    I'd be more worried about your husband, who didn't ask for any of this grief. He tried to help and had it thrown in his face. difficult child got what he asked for...he obviously doesn't have his "stuff" together yet. And he won't get it together until he hits bottom.

    You know what you need to do. Detach. He's an adult. He knows the consequences for not paying his bills. He knows what he needs to do to earn the money to pay them. His life, his choices. Try not to think about it.

    ((HUGS))

    Genny
     
  3. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Man, that is tough for husband. Hopefully he will learn some detachment skills like you. Sorry that difficult child's attitude is still affecting the rest of the family.
     
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    I am so sorry. My husband is also unable to detach from our children---easy child's included. I'm working on teaching him how, but it is tough going. His heart is too tender and he adores them completely. I think a lot has to do with the way he was raised and the age he was when we married.
     
  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Wow what a spot for a child to put anyone in - especially his parents.

    And what a shame that he does. It tears my heart out to think about our kids sometimes. If they even were able to do a 10th of what we wished for them or knew was good for them they would be so much better off. But it seems they instead refuse to grow up, want to be victims, think it's okay to float through life with no responsibilities and that the world owes them a kiss on the @$$. The very nerve!

    If they were not our kids - if your son was NOT your son - what then? How would you advise someone to handle the same situation you are going through? How sorry would you feel for a person that did the things your difficult child has done to your family if he was not family? And why does it matter if he is family? Is that supposed to get them a pass/a buy on life and being a decent human? Okay - so yeah, lets say we do give them a buy/pass because they are family. HOW many times are we supposed to do THAT before people start whispering that we must be idiots, and then that adds to our misery because all we really wanted in the first place was to have a kid that was just () much normal.

    I think that's why I like coming here Alyssa. I like it because I KNOW the advice that others here give me isn't biased, it's not going to sound mean spirited, or be bad advice because ALL of us here have had to go through similar things on varying levels. So when I tell you - "LET HIM FIND HIS WAY" it almost seems different than your BFF who proabably isn't wanting to tell you what she really thinks for fear of loosing you as a friend - because I've been there.

    NOT with drugs and my son - but with my x. (X being the best word in that entire sentence)

    Is it heartwrenching? Heck yeah. Is there a thing we can do about it? Nope - and THAT is what makes it so impossible and painful for us as parents - we're soooooo used to picking them up and dusting them off as children - and teens -and becuase they DO have disadvantages that other kids don't seem to have we have a propensity to treat them different or "special" and when we do that - sometimes? Maybe okay - but to continually do it over and over? Insanity.

    And sometimes it takes the strength of 100 elephants to stand strong, watch our children self-destruct with their abnormal ideals, and hold our family together. We're a TOUGH lot - we are, we are!

    I have no real advice - you sound like you have a handle on it - you're just blown away that once again - you have to deal with the fallout of a kid who should be somewhat of an adult and is acting more like a spoiled 3 year old. (if that old) lol

    So I'm sending hugs and strength and glue with loads of love.

    Some things you just can't fix with love and patience. I'm also learning this.

    Hugs
    Star
     
  6. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    We have been in this situation several times. We tried having Cory work with Tony and it just didnt work. There is something about a construction site and how the men there tend to talk junk but when Cory did he took it to extreme measures with his dad and that ended up causing so much friction because not only was his dad his boss but also his dad so what he was saying was downright rude and disrespectful. Made his dad so mad he would lose it on the job. He had to fire Cory before they both ended up fired.
     
  7. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    As much as we can detach from our kids, we still love them and it still hurts to watch them do such stupid things. You and your husband went way above and beyond here. Even though it was husband who did the hands on, you had to trust that it would work out and not be a stress to your lives.

    Now you know, I guess. He enjoyed the handout (the job gotten at the expense of your husband's good name and graces) and took advantage. You don't have to offer that again. Maybe someday you will all come to a comfortable place with what he needs and what you have to offer, but today isn't it. It's awful that you have to go through this with difficult child, it must just break your heart.

    Know that you did your best, and that your difficult child isn't ready. Give yourselves a break and look to your own future. The past and difficult child's role in it is never going to change. For now, all you can do is make today and your future as happy as possible. And for now, difficult child isn't a part of that.

    {{{{{{{{{{{Big hugs}}}}}}}}}
     
  8. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Bowing down to ANYONE who can work with any family member. Trust me...I've tried it and lasted one week.

    Everyone needs their own space and time. My manager asked me yesterday if my easy child would be interested in being another sample person. easy child has a GREAT personality (they all love him there) and would be wonderful in the job. I said...NO. Not in this store. Another store, yes. (I should be a dog marking my scent now. This is MY area.)

    Unfortunately, your difficult child will learn the hard way of not having a good paying job with benefits. husband needs to let go and let that happen without guilt. That's easier said than done.

    Abbey
     
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