husband had an affair

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by KFld, Aug 27, 2007.

  1. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Yes, you read that right. During the week I was in Maryland he mentioned something about a "friend" of his attending the pig roast at our elks club we belong too. He said she was just a friend he met at the bar and that her and her mother came because they were looking for something to do. Right away my radar went up and I have been watching his cell phone bill. I checked his address book and found her number, so I knew which one to watch for. So the week that I was in Maryland, trying to have fun while worrying about my mother, and the week I was in Florida watching my mother die, and then this past week after her death while I've been trying to concentrate on what I needed to do, he has been having an affair. I suspected it and kept watching and waiting and wasn't going to even try and deal with it until after my father goes back to Florida (he's flying in this afternoon with my mom's ashes), but I couldn't stand the thought of having to deal with him dissapearing while my dad was here to go see her. So Saturday night, on his birthday, I told him I knew he was talking to her 2 or 3 times a day and didn't really know much else. He was pretty open with telling me it's been going on for about a month and they have gone out quite a bit, especially the 2 weeks I was away.

    You see my husband can be a very needy person. We have been married for 27 years this Thursday and have been together for 30. I have been with him since I was 17 years old. Over the years we have almost split up many times over the same issue. I really don't feel any physical chemistry for him anymore. Doesn't mean I don't love him and I show him that in many other ways. Some of it is due to the fact that I'm not a physical person, which runs in my moms side of the family. I don't need someone to constantly hold my hand and make me feel good about myself and I think that fact that we have been together for 30 years adds to it. I have had so many people tell us that we should thank god we are still speaking after 30 years, never mind having such a good marriage in every other way. We actually went to intense counseling for this a few years back and the counselor told him it's nobody elses job to make him happy. She told him that he needs to be happy with himself and who he is and that seemed to work for awhile. Everytime we almost split we decided we had to many years invested in our marriage to throw it away, so I would try to be more physical, he would try to pretend it didn't matter and we would end up back at the same point. He will himself say that everything else we have is great, except for that one thing. So I guess for him 9 our of 10 isn't good enough. He needs a relationship that is a perfect 10.

    He ended it with her yesterday and told me a bunch of stuff about the relationship that doesn't make much sense to me. He said didn't really end up being his type. I guess I'm supposed to feel bad about that??? and that he was going to end it anyway. He also said she asked him the other day if he would ever leave me and he said no.

    So.... Let me get this straight. If she didn't end up not being his type, and I didn't catch him, he would have stayed married to me and just kept seeing her.

    I am so numb and angry right now that I feel nothing but hatred. I don't think I can ever forgive him for making me deal with something so major at the time that all I should be concentrating on is the death of my mother. I told him yesterday I truley don't think I can get past this. I also told him I won't deal with or make any decisions until my father leaves.

    He said he feels so low for the timing of all of this. There is no sympathy from me. I have needed his unconditional support over the past 3 weeks and he was with somebody else.

    I'm going to call the counselor we went to years ago and set up an appointment for myself. She was absolutley wonderful and I really need to go see her. don't know if I can do it before my dad leaves, but I am going to try.
  2. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    ((HUGE HUGS)) karen I am so sorry to see this. I am very glad you are seeking help. I hadn't followed your posts lately, saw the topic lines and shied away. I am sorry.

    You are in my heart.

  3. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    I'm so sorry. :crying:
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999


    Many gentle hugs to you. You are a very wise woman even in the face of such a difficult time. I think it's very smart to not make any decisions and to seek help for yourself. I just wish it wasn't necessary for you to be so wise right now.

    Again, my thoughts are with you.
  5. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member


    I'm so sorry!!! I can't find the right words to say what I'm thinking. Please know that I'm keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that you will be strong enough to make the decision that is the best one for you, whatever that is...

    I'm very glad that you're going to make an appointment with a counselor who you already know and feel comfortable with.

    Sending you lots of cyber hugs and a cyber shoulder to lean on. WFEN
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader


    It stinks that when you needed his support and understanding most, he totally bowed out and sought comfort for himself; a very selfish act. It's okay for you to be angry - it's part of the process, as you know.

    I'm glad you're seeking help for yourself. You will hopefully get some different perspectives and begin to heal.

    You're such a strong woman and after all that you've invested in your marriage, you deserve to be treated with respect. Gentle hugs~I'll be thinking of you.
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I think seeing the counselor was exactly the right thing to do, Karen.

    And I also think we (women) have been getting the short end of the stick on this whole "physical part of marriage" thing for too long.

    Of course we lose interest. Too often, our husbands treat us as conveniences. We are human, too. We crave romance and drama just like they do ~ we just don't, for the most part, go running off to the nearest bar to get it.

    It always bugs me when we put ourselves down for the sake of some man who isn't doing his part to help us see ourselves as beautiful or desirable.

    The fault is not yours ~ it's his.

    People fall in love everyday. There are second and third marriages all the time where each of the parties, however old they are at the time of the marriage, are truly in love with the partner, with the sparkle and laughter they make together.

    That is what your husband did wrong. He should have been totally focused on you. Instead, he went off with some floozy to make a cheap imitation of nothing but sweat and clandestine drama.

    Not even anything for you to be upset about.

    But maybe it is time for YOU to fall in love, and to be cherished by someone with the good sense to see the value of what he has, instead of cheapening it the way he did.

    (Can you tell whose side I am on in all this?!?)


    What a jerk!

  8. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I am so sorry for your pain, Karen. he has truly let you down. sigh.
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: scent of cedar</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Of course we lose interest. Too often, our husbands treat us as conveniences. We are human, too. We crave romance and drama just like they do ~ we just don't, for the most part, go running off to the nearest bar to get it.

    It always bugs me when we put ourselves down for the sake of some man who isn't doing his part to help us see ourselves as beautiful or desirable.

    Not that I am making any excuses or condoning anything he has done, but I do need to tell you all that he always treated me good and told me how beautiful I am and how great I looked. He just really felt something was missing from our marriage because I am not the type to always hold his hand. I'm not a huge romantic and he is and needed that in return to be happy.
  10. AllStressedOut

    AllStressedOut New Member

    I'm so sorry Karen. I wish I had words of wisdom. The only thing that comes to mind is, if you were this way when he married you, then he knew what he was getting into.

    I am glad you are making an appointment with the counselor you like. I am so sorry your husband did this at such a rotten time. Anytime would be unacceptable, but right now it's just dispicable.
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I am so sorry, Karen. Sending you strength to get through this.
  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: AllStressedOut</div><div class="ubbcode-body">The only thing that comes to mind is, if you were this way when he married you, then he knew what he was getting into.

    That is the exact thing I have been telling him for years. I was never like that. I was never one to be hanging on him and holding his hand to make him happy. Nobody ever had to hold my hand to make me happy. I have tried to get him to see for years that I was never even like that with my kids. I am very close emotionally, but my family growing up was never kissie huggie, and I'm not like that with anyone. In fact people who always need to hug and kiss me make me pretty uncomfortable.

    What really aggrivates me is every time we have approached this subject I have given him ample opportunity to leave and find what he felt he needed from a relationship, and he always chose to stay. He would at times make me feel very inadequate because I couldn't give him what he needed and I have told him for years I don't want him to ever look back at our marriage and regret spending so many years with someone who he felt couldn't give him the attention he needed. As far as I'm concerned life is to short to spend it with someone who you aren't completeley happy with. He still keeps saying he would never leave me, but I think that is the cowards way out. I think he wants me to leave so he can feel it wasn't his fault.
  13. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi! Great idea to see the counselor! Naturally I'm on your side, no matter what - whether you held his hand, patted his head for a job well done or not, it was HIS decision to take the action that he did.

    Bottom line: we're always on our kids (difficult child's and easy child's alike) that they are making choices and that they have to live by those choices. He made a choice to violate the vows that he took before God and family. He can assign blame anywhere he wants to, but ultimately he broke the cardinal rule. He violated your trust. And as usual the timing was just perfect.

    She's not his type? Gimme a break!

    Now: what's key here is that you are mourning the loss of your mother, you seem to be the central support of everyone involved in that end of things, you've been running like a nut all summer, and even without Mr. Fling's added behavior, any normal human being would be beat.

    Make no decisions when you're tired, hungry, scared or sad.

    Great move going to the counselor. Next, I'd take his credit card and book a trip somewhere ALONE (or with a best friend) to just unwind. And right before you leave, let him know that the private detective will forward all pictures, transcripts, etc. to your attorney (you don't have to really hire them - just tell him you did - and you paid retainers with his credit card!) while you're away.

    I'm truly sorry! I still can't get over how cheeky he is - not my type! What an *ss!

    On another note: how did the gathering go? Was your Dad ok? I was thinking about you and wondering how it went.

    God bless, kiddo!

  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    All I can say is I am so very sorry.

    I am somewhat like you in the physical dept. Im not a very huggy feely person for the most part. It is just the way some folks are.
  15. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Well, my friend, it sounds like you are making the right choices
    even under the worst of circumstances. Seeking professional help
    instead of family or friends is 100% the way to go. I am so glad
    that you have someone you trust to turn to this week.

    The mixture of emotions that you stewing sounds overwhelming.
    My only advice?? Try to compartmentalize this week so you can
    focus on your parents. I'm sure your husband will be on his best
    behavior and the issues will still be there next week to deal

    Sending caring hugs your way. DDD
  16. KFld

    KFld New Member

    thanks everyone once again for your overwhelming support. I am going to put on my smiley face and get through the next few weeks with my dad.
    Beth, the get together for my mom is happening Wednesday. My dad flies in today, in just 2 hours. That is why this is so overwhelming because I haven't gotten through these days ahead yet and my focus is being taken off of where it should be.

    I know he is going to try to trivialize this to make himself feel less guilty. He asked me this morning before I left for work if he should call me like he usually does and I said, do what you want. He then called and asked my day is going and when I replied o.k., he said you don't sound o.k. and I said, well gee how could I be??? He then made a comment about how it didn't sound like I really wanted him to call me today. I told him I had to get back to work and would talk to him later.
  17. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    He is such a man. Baby. (sorry warrior dads!)

    Tell him to figure out how he would feel if you did it to him then get back to you.

    Bad, bad timing for sure.

    You focus on your dad and your mom's service. Focus on your feelings for the loss of your mom. Forget this until Friday. Maybe by then he will have an answer to how he would feel if you did this to him.
  18. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Karen, I am so sorry. As if this weren't enough of a betrayal but while you are at your mother's deathbed? And then to say "the timings was bad"? When exactly is it supposed to be a good time to cheat on your wife? I hope you will get in to that counselor soon.
  19. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Karen, I too know the pain of an affair in the marriage. I am so sorry you are going through this at such a difficult and painful time already.
    You sure are wise to seek council.

    You'll be in my thoughts and prayers,
  20. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Karen, I'm just so sorry. :crying: