husband had an affair

Star*

call 911........call 911
K,

Adding my support.

- after 30 years with you, who else would have him? Oh that's right..she would. So HE told HER he wouldn't leave YOU.

I think dear, he already did. Didn't he? And he left you when YOU needed him most. Gosh, I know I'd be sticking around for a second helping of that!!


When I went through this I was asked: "What value do you place on the rest of your years?" Are you gonna hang around for another helping or are you going to find your self worth.

True...marriages have survived worse. I personally didn't want to survive...I wanted to LIVE. You're wise to seek counseling...AND..I'd like to add PLEASE stop apologizing to him for not being a touchy-feely woman. He had to touch you sometime or you wouldn't have kids. Or...should we be callin' you Mother Mary? You are who you are. No apologies needed!

Reaching out to you - because you're a friend indeed.

Hugs & Love
Star
 

skeeter

New Member
Karen -
I read this last night, but wanted to think a bit before I posted.

My ex didn't cheat on me, but other than that, you could have been writing about us. His one complaint was I wasn't affectionate enough, and I honestly thought that was just the way I was.
However, I had many complaints, which are neither here nor there, but enough that I finally called it quits - after 16 years of marriage (and 3 years of dating beforehand). I just knew that nothing would ever get any "better", and I honestly just couldn't see living my life that way any longer.

Our kids have often made the comment that they don't know how I stayed with him as long as I did. As much as they love their dad, they now "see" him without me running interference - and they really don't like what they see. Both have, on separate occasions, told me he drives them nuts, and both have expressed disgust with him for "forgetting" something important or promised.

But - back to the closeness thing. When I met my husband, it was one of those "lightbulb" moments. Here was someone that I could ENJOY being with. Someone I honestly looked forward to being with. Someone I shared good times with, someone I could also work alongside, and someone who had the same life goals as I did.

And guess what? I've become that "hand holding / hugging / touching" person - at least with my husband!



Karen - only you can decide what you need to do with your future, and with ALL that's on your plate now, this probably isn't the best time to decide. There's honestly nothing wrong with taking your time to think things through.
But YOU deserve happiness. You've tried to make things work, and it's not. Do you think it will? Even if they do, will you be happy? Would you be happy on your own (I would have been if I hadn't met husband). Does your husband share the same long term life goals as you do (I hardly think so by his actions).

The most important thing I want to say to you is: YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! STOP SAYING THAT YOU AREN'T A DEMONSTRATIVE PERSON AND THAT GIVES YOUR husband A "RIGHT" TO DO WHAT HE DID! It doesn't.

((((((hugs)))))) to you and to a better future......
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
Gosh, Karen, you say all you feel is hatred, but then you have such depth of understanding for why he did what he did ... isn't that the essence of love? He has no idea.
 

KFld

New Member
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: The_Loan_Ranger</div><div class="ubbcode-body">K,

Adding my support.

- after 30 years with you, who else would have him? Oh that's right..she would. So HE told HER he wouldn't leave YOU.

I think dear, he already did. Didn't he? And he left you when YOU needed him most. Gosh, I know I'd be sticking around for a second helping of that!!


When I went through this I was asked: "What value do you place on the rest of your years?" Are you gonna hang around for another helping or are you going to find your self worth.

True...marriages have survived worse. I personally didn't want to survive...I wanted to LIVE. You're wise to seek counseling...AND..I'd like to add PLEASE stop apologizing to him for not being a touchy-feely woman. He had to touch you sometime or you wouldn't have kids. Or...should we be callin' you Mother Mary? You are who you are. No apologies needed!

Reaching out to you - because you're a friend indeed.

Hugs & Love
Star


</div></div>

Oh my god. Are you sure you aren't my counselor. These are the exact things she said to me.

I can't write to much right now because I'm getting ready for my moms service, but she made me promise I would focus on that and only that until tomorrow. My counselor is awesome and pretty much said the same things as above, even what to ask myself if I was thinking of staying with him. She had me tell him last night that I was discussing none of this with him until I was able to properly grieve for my mom and that he was not to kiss me and told me he loved me, but only to be cordial to me in front of people during the service. She was he sounds like an overgrown baby who has to have all or nothing.

She set up four Tuesday appointments in a row for me. We are going to work on me!!!! She is awesome.
 

tiredmommy

Well-Known Member
Karen,
You'll be on my mind today, I hope everything goes well for the service. I'm sure your mom would be very proud of your poise and dignity throughout this crisis. Many gentle {{{hugs}}}.
 

wakeupcall

Well-Known Member
YOU are a woman to be reckoned with. I admire your strength and courage. My thoughts are with you on this very difficult day. been there done that.....and you will be fine.
 

DDD

Well-Known Member
Wahoo! I am so very very glad that you have someone you trust who is a professional to help you work through the complications.
That is hugely important.

I am looking forward to hearing about your Mom's celebration function. I'm sure it will be filled with love. DDD
 

amstrong

New Member
Karen,

I just read this post and I want to send you cyber hugs for the stuff you are dealing with at the moment. Good to know you are getting counseling.

Judging from your many posts, you are a strong woman and will come out on top no matter what transpires with all this.

Wanted to make sure you know you have my support.

Hugs,
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Oh Karen, I'm so sorry you are going through this. My sister went through this, over many years. They eventually split after almost 30 years of marriage, because she had always said she would throw him out when she caught him fooling around. He had fooled around for years and finally got careless. I suspect he wanted to be caught.

A few thoughts (and please, everybody, don't misunderstand me, please read on before you bite my head off) -

I like to think about this from the bloke point of view. This is not justifying, it's merely trying to get into his head. It makes it easier to get a feel for what to do to anticipate his next move, or next statement.

To a lot of men, sex is not love. It's just sex. And that is what was happening with this woman - you were a bit too busy, he probably didn't want to put sexual demands on you, you were a bit far away and distracted, he'd simply get sex elsewhere so he didn't miss out in the meantime. It's a bloke thing, especially common if the bloke is self-centred and/or weak.

The lovey-dovey stuff, the cuddles, the affection, the "I will telephone you to find out how you day is" - that is him loving you, wanting to stay married to you, caring about you as deeply as he can care about anyone other than himself. That is what he sees as loyalty. For you to not be as welcoming with this - he simply can't understand it, he never intended to leave you or be unfaithful - in his eyes he was NOT unfaithful, he was just ensuring his sexual needs were met without pressuring you. In his mind, he was being considerate of you.

Now let's think about the other woman. She was at this event with her mother - what sort of mother will allow her daughter to hook up with a married man? What sort of woman WILL hook up with a married man?

So we ask - did she not know he was married? Or did she know, but did he give her some reason to hope there could be a future with him? He says HE ended it, but it sounds to me like SHE did. "She didn't suit me" is his way of saving face, of dealing with her rejection. "She didn't suit me because she shouted at me when she found out I was married, she accused me of some awful things that are simply not true, such as being deceptive - I'm not - of being unfaithful - I'm not, I've never loved another woman like I love you, I've only had SEX with other women, frequently, when my needs get out of control. Who needs a nagging mistress?"

And what way is it to treat ANY woman, to simply use her for sexual gratification and then to dump her, totally ignoring her feelings? He clearly has no idea how women think or feel. Not only did he treat this other woman shamefully, his apparent inability to comprehend how much this upsets you shows hoe incredibly self-centred and weak he must be. The measure of how he treated this other woman IS unfortunately also a measure of how he treats you.

That said, there is still hope for your marriage. It depends on a number of things:

What do you want out of marriage? What do you want out of THIS marriage? What have you got out of this marriage? What does this marriage give you that you value, that is irreplaceable? What do you need? Does he give it to you? Is he capable of giving it to you?

Now again - what do you value about yourself? What are you capable of as an individual, not dependent on any other emotionally, financially, physically? Is this enough for you, or do you need more, in the form of your husband, to feel fulfilled in life? Is so, why? if not, why not?

I'm not asking for you to give me your answers, only to give them to yourself. Be aware, he is always going to think the way he does, act the way he does. He is weak, he keeps doing this, he is already rationalising why he broke up with her. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, it's his way of life. Don't make it yours. You need to choose if you can live with this, and if so, how you will deal with it.

But remember, you do have a choice. Stay with him, or kick him out. Either choice will be the right choice, if it is made with a clear head. Whichever you choose, you must live with it and own it. No regrets. Move on with whatever comes now. Even if your choice is to simply wait and see, this is a point from which to move forward.

But whatever you do, don't stagnate. Don't just let things lie and let him think everything peachy keen if it's not; similarly, don't bet him up over it but make HIM move forward too.

Good luck, whatever you choose to do.

Marg
 
K

Kjs

Guest
I am so sorry. You must be devastated. with all you have been going through...sending you strength and hugs.
 

scent of cedar

New Member
Looks like your hubby bit off a little more than he can chew, this time!

:rofl:

I'm glad to hear about the therapist. Whatever you decide to do about the marriage, it sounds like she is someone who is helping you prioritize and then, deal with one thing at a time.

That will help you to be very strong.

Thinking of you.

Barbara
 

WNC Gal

New Member
Marg - once again your feedback is invaluable.... I am facing a similar issue - not sure just how involved my husband was, but he is now potentially facing HUGE problems as he called and visited a teenager at her place of work and the girl's family sought the help of a security company to try to find out who he is.

He claims it was a stupid mistake and it will never happen again. But he is not only endangering our marriage, but his career as he could lose his ability to work if any legal issues came his way.....

I understand that I cannot constantly bring this up to show how angry and devastated I am by this - this will destroy any chance our marriage has of surviving. But how do I really believe that someone who was "interested" in a 16 year old won't behave this way again in the future? There must be more to the situation than he is telling me (a few "innocent" phone calls) if the girl's family are hiring security surveillance for their daughter...

And of course.. this is the last thing our family needs while coping with difficult child issues.....
 

svengandhi

Well-Known Member
Karen -

As someone who is trying to get the limbo of learning my husband cheated on me, too, I have some been there, done that advice for you.

Do NOT assume it is over. Sometimes it is and sometimes the cheaters just go deeper underground to hide it. Be careful as well of the "emotional affair" as that can be tougher to break than the physical attraction. In my case, the sex had ended before I found out, but he spent another year and a half after that trying to help this person out with her multitude of issues. I am also a pretty straight up, not needy, not overly affectionate person, I am NOT huggy and touchy and he sought out someone who was even needier than he was and such a total loser that it made him feel good about himself.

You MUST monitor his cell phone use. I set up a thing through our provider that specifically tracked all numbers associated with his cheatbuddy. I also ordered something called LUD's from our landline provider - this gives you all numbers dialed from your home phone. WH never erased caller ID (he's too arrogant to think he needed to conceal it from me) so I knew whenever he got a call. When he did, I would call his FB and ream her out. She finally stopped calling because I made it so unpleasant for her.

You must also get and insist he get STD testing, including for herpes and Hepatitis C. These tests should be repeated in 3 to 6 months. If he refuses to go, get them yourself. Do not have sex with him unprotected until you both have a clean bill of health.

I would also let the woman's mother know that you know. Are you certain that the mother knows your H was married. She could have been told he was divorced or separated. This is very common and since you were out of town half the time, it might have worked.

Above all, understand that a spouse's cheating is NOT about a deficiency in you. It is about a lack in them! My WH blamed me for not being affectionate enough, not giving him enough sex, not running around telling the world how simply awesome he was all the time! I had my role in the state and dynamic of our marriage and I take 50% responsibility for the fact that we were not communicating as well as we could have but he also has 50% fault for the state of our M and 100% fault for choosing to cheat. You can't make somebody cheat on you - it is their choice! If you take nothing else from what I have written, PLEASE realize that.

Good luck to you, Karen.
 

KFld

New Member
Sounds like you and I are twins seperated at birth, married to twins seperated at birth. Your last paragraph sounds like my husband talking.

"My WH blamed me for not being affectionate enough, not giving him enough sex, not running around telling the world how simply awesome he was all the time! "

I think our husband's have been talking....
 

svengandhi

Well-Known Member
Karen -

One of the things you learn when you become a member of the cheated upon club is how mundane and trite all of the crap they tell us is.

So many of the cheaters say the same things, it's like they downloaded a "Stupid Things to say to my spouse when I'm caught cheating" book.

The "you made me do it" or "you drove me into it," the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and all the other crap that gets fed to you when you're too sad and vulnerable to deal with it.

As for our H's (mine forfeited his D for a W when I found out) talking, it's more likely to be mine bragging!

Sven
 

WNC Gal

New Member
And how unfair is it that our husbands complain that they don't get enough "action" from us when we're busy working, maintaining a household, doing 95% of child-related issues AND dealing with a difficult child. Gee, last time I considered it, moan and griping about not getting any is NOT a turn-on. Perhaps helping out and pouring some of that flirting energy back onto one's wife might change the tides a bit!!!
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
last time I considered it, moaning and griping about not getting any is NOT a turn-on. Perhaps helping out and pouring some of that flirting energy back onto one's wife might change the tides a bit!!!

I'll second that!
 
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