husband has gone crazy.

[rejectedmom]

husband has slipped back into his addiction and now wants a divorce after 42 years of marriage. I guess that since he no longer needs me to oversee his father's alshiemer's care (he died in july) he no longer has a use for me. He was lamenting the other day that I no longer had a bikini body and an athletic personality. He says he wants to be free to actively pursue other women. It makes no sence since he was chasing bimbos and using call girls off and on for the last 15 years anyway. He obviously doesn't want a real relationship. I guess he just doesn't want to have to answer to me for his actions. I have spent a fortune on him emotionally and we have spent a fortune on therapy for him. He only goes through the motions. Does not follow through and is in total denial. He came close to ruining us financially, used up my inheritance and my son's college fund on his addiction, and we were forced to sell our home eight years ago because of his and difficult child's antics. We recovered ffinancially for the most part and I was looking foward to nice retirment years living comfortably with a few trips here and there.
Sigh.

It will be complicated trying to sort out the financials on this. We own two real estate properties, have mutual bank accounts and investments, Share a retirement account and SS etc. He will likely have to support me via his retirment plans and SS and I will try to have it ordered that he pay alimony and provide medical insurance till medicare and retirement kicks in. I have too many health issues ( diabetes, asthma, osteopotosis, thyroiditis, arthritis, heart disease) to qualify for affordable indivitual medical insurance and all my issues will be considered pre-existing for the maximum time allowed bu law. I am trying to find out if I can continue to be carried on his policy from work.

I am ambivilent at this point about the marriage and divorce itself. The kids are grown, I have no desire to meet anyone else and start anew. A divorce will mean a much more frugal life for both of us but I'm not going to fight it. I will hire a lawyer and get whatever I'm entitled to and I won't lift a finger to sell or clean out either of the two houses beyond what I want to take with me. I did all the organizing packing and unpacking every single time we moved ( 7 times) without his help... he can do it by himself this time. He has killed whatever love I had left for him with this latest so staying would only be for financial reasons at this point. So glad I kept some of the evidence of his past cheating. I don't want to use it but will if I have to.

My biggest fear is that he will loose his job or just stop working after the divorce and then not have the support money no matter what the court orders. I'm looking for things I can do that are not physical in nature to support myself. husband never wanted me to have a career and he sabatoged every attemp I ever made at it. I finally went to college with money I earned on e-bay and graduated in 1994 but got cancer in 1995 followed by several opperations and CFS and other health problems which kept me out of the workforce for a few years. By the time I went back I was too old to be taken seriously by any employers and could only get substitute teaching jobs now at age 62...well I can't even get them. I am old enough for SS in a few years. I'm now 62 can collect at 64 with full benefits at 66. Would have been a bit more kind if he had waited till then. -RM

 

[JJJ]

I'm so sorry.

 

[buddy]

That's so sad. Very sorry he's hurting you like that. Hope you get a good lawyer. Can you get your own account and start putting money in? I'd worry he will do something on that front.

 

[BusynMember]

RM...you always give the most compassionate, heartfelt responses to hurting mothers. I am always in awe at your way with words and your kindness. I wish I had the same ability you have to make people feel better. I don't, but I'm going to try. Please forgive me if I fail.

You have a looooooooooong history with husband and it is to his discredit that he is willing to throw this all away to chase bimbos who probably won't want him because he's no spring chicken anymore. Unless he has a ton of money, these young bimbos will never care for him, at his age, (or pretend to care f or him) the way he thinks it will be. He could have had a nice retirement with you, but he is throwing out the best thing he has...you. in my opinion you can still have a nice retirement, maybe even better, without him. I am going to be 60 and am no longer working now (you must have read about the work drama) and am looking ahead to change my life's priorities and to form new bonds with new people. My husband is a good man, but he is younger than me by a few years and works full time and will f or a while so I am trying hard to find nice women friends to do things with and hang out with. Yes, you can hang out at sixty...lol. I forced myself to join a choir, a community theatre group, TOPS, a Unitarian Church and it's paying off...I am meeting new friends quickly. You can move on without him and his problems. That doesn't mean your heart won't hurt, but you're a warrior mom and you've done it before. Just make sure you get a good lawyer so you get every dime you an entitled to plus part of his pension and maintenance since you were married for so long and anything else the law allows. You can still take vacations. You don't need him for that.

You are so sweet and I feel so badly for you. I hope my advice was helpful and taken in the right spirit. I really hope you can overcome this, as you have all else, and have that great retirement you want WITHOUT HIS NONSENSE marring it. Gentle hugs and lots and lots of love.

 

[AppleCori]

I am so sorry!

I had to deal with so much with my X, so I understand.

 

[dstc_99]

RM-
I am so sorry to hear you are dealing with this!

 

[recoveringenabler]

RM, I am so sorry. Gentle hugs.........

 

[cubsgirl]

((major hugs))

 

[rejectedmom]

Thank you all for your compassion. It helps make it real when I can post it and see it in black and white. husband is an emotional cripple. He had a very emotionally abusive mother. That is the root for his addiction but he refuses to delve too deeply into it so he has never been able to truly rise above it. He abstains for long periods of time by white knuckling it and then he relapses.

Buddy, I have a small account for me that he cannot touch since it was my mom's. It is enough to last me a couple of months if I am frugal. This state isn't one where I can really sock it to him for infidelity. It is an equitable property state. So is the one our second property is in... so it doesn't matter what his behavior has been. There will be a fair division of property and possibly alimony due to my health and the long length of our marriage.

MWM, Thank you I will be ok emotionally, you are right about that. It just will be hard to live on less than 24,000 in this area My co pays for medications alone come to two hundred a month. There are many cheaper places to live in the us but I want to be close to my daughters and grandkids. They are a source of joy for me and I do not want to live far from them.

 

[pasajes4]

So very sorry to hear that things are going in that direction. Take care of u.

 

[susiestar]

Don't you DARE assume you cannot stick it to him financially. Right now, TODAY, you start looking for the biggest shark lawyer you can find. Ask anyone you know who divorced if they or their ex got the worst end, and then ask for the atty of the party who got the best end. Given ALL he has done, there may be things an atty can do. NO ONE but a true SHARK should be telling you that you cannot get this or that. Right now you need to search his phone records and computers to see if he has things going on. I would also start transferring $$ OUT of joint accounts into ones in your name only. You may have to give some back after you file, but it will stop him from taking it out and hiding it or blowing it so you cannot have any. If you cared for his father until death, make SURE that you get paid a portion of his inheritance as his timing shows he only stayed married so he wouldn't need to pay a nurse.

PLEASE listen to my advice. I have seen friends and relatives all lose BIG because they didn't get the best atty they could (they said they trusted their soon to be ex to be fair, and universally it didn't happen) they thought it might not be nice to start taking all the $$ out while they could. MANY of hteem ended up having to go back to work near retirement age because their spouse took all the $$ and blew it so they couldn't get any. Your husband has shown you that he has little regard for you or your needs. He has wasted a ton of money in the past. He is going to do so again with as much of the investments and savings as he can so that you cannot get any, much less half.

You don't have to spend the $$, just take it out and move it to a different bank into an account in your name. If your names are both on the account, it is perfectly legal. A judge may say to give some back, but that will be better than losing all of it.

I am so sorry he is such a fool. I hope things go well and you end up with enough to live comfortably.

 

[DDD]

I am sending caring thought of support your way BUT I totally agree with Susiestar. Believe me I am not comfortable with raw aggression BUT I personally know three women who ended up in efficiency apartments after living for decades in upper economic jointly owned residences. This is a fact and not a scare tactic. None of my friends were dealing with addiction or obvious mental health issues...they all just had husbands who "clicked" and managed to liquidate every asset with-o a care to the future of their long term spouse. PLEASE don't wait. If you find the "shark divorce attorney" it does not mean that you have to take everything...it just means (in both States) that you can be assured that your share is legally protected for subsequent distribution. It is a protective move...not an attack action. If you don't know the rules of this sad game you can't assure your safety. PLEASE don't wait another day. Hugs and prayers coming your way. DDD

 

[TerryJ2]

I am so sorry. I know that you have put a lot of effort into the relationship and your life together.
But frankly, I think it's the right thing to do, and a year from now, you will feel so free and unburdened, you won't know what hit you.
I would get a really good lawyer and make sure that you get a great deal on alimony. Normally, I don't like to make lawyers rich, and prefer to see people use a mediator, but in this case, since your husband is being and has been such a jerk, I'd go for every penny.

Many many hugs as you make your way through this.

 

[Calamity Jane]

I'm sorry you've been so betrayed - 42 yrs. invested and you don't deserve any of this, esp. with all the problems with difficult child.

FWIW, I'm with Susiestar and DDD on this - get a shark ASAP.

 

[Rabbit]

Sending hugs! Rabbit

 

[HaoZi]

I'm so sorry, hon. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your future. *HUGS*

 

[Bunny]

I'm so sorry. This is very sad news.

 

[rejectedmom]

I have done alot of reading on gray divorce and the picture that the experts paint is not a pretty one. We both will suffer... me more than him but he won't have his current economic status either.

As for being careful I control of all family finances since husband went crazy a few years back. His salary is Direct Deposited into our savings account. I keep a very close watch on all the liquid assests in our names I did let him have access to his advanced inheritance of several thousand dollars which is now gone. We mostly used it to make improvements on our homes, a down payment on a car and some bills but a some of it is unaccounted for. He is supposed to get another 30K in a couple months when the estate is closed out. I will have to watch out for that. He currently gets a weekly cash allowance and has no credit cards in his possession. Of course he could get one but I would know right away because I have a security block on our Credit so all new accounts in either his or my name are verified with me before approved. I cannot do anything about his retirement accounts besides monitoring them and if he changes the password I can't even do that. Unfortunately that is where most of the retirement money is and I do worry about it. He could take it and I wouldn't know till the 1099's came at tax time. I am going to print out a statement today and also copy the statements from the retirement assets from previous jobs. I will definately get a good lawyer and he/she will ask for a full accounting of assets as a matter of routine handling. I do not know anyone to ask for a recommendation here in my new state but will ask around at my clubs. -RM

husband called today at lunchtime and says he is going to go to grief couneiling for his father and anon meetings. Bla bla bla. I agree that his father's death probably triggered him and grief counseling might help a bit but even after years of indivitual andd group therapy with Anon a part of his maintanence plan he didn't go. Said he didn't need it. (like I said arrogant). I asked for his computer but was told he smashed it and threw it out. I don't believe him but he lives away half of the week for work so I have no way of accessing his stuff he keeps at his work residence.

 

[Hound dog]

(((hugs)))

Splurge and get one hellova lawyer, hon. If it's not gonna be pretty, then at least make certain you walk away with what you're rightfully entitled to have. Shop around. You don't have to grab the first one or the most expensive one, just one who has some empathy and will care about your welfare.

I'm so sorry husband is such a broken fool not to see his best asset in life is you.

 

[rejectedmom]

Thank you ladies... your kind words are a balm on my broken psyche. -RM