husband is a difficult child

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
Linda...would he be open to reading a book about a personality disorder since he feels that this is just his "personality"? There are some books out there that are written for the person with this that they can work on for themselves that might give him a bit of insight.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
Linda,

If you have questions about emotional abuse the local domestic violence shelter has free info about it AND free counselling to help you figure out what you want to do. I went to ours to deal with PTSD from my oldest child's abuse.

You don't have to go to their counselling to get the info, just walk in and ask for it. You can even say it is for your friend, "Susie". anyway, jsut thought I would throw that out there.

Big hugs and lots of strength!
 

OpenWindow

Active Member
Janet - I'm not betting he would read a book. I talked a little with him and asked him to look at this online questionnaire. It took him a few hours after I asked him to consider it and fill out the survey to actually do it. I could tell by his answers that he really doesn't see his anger as a problem at all. Anyway, it came out moderate borderline, high narcissistic and moderate histrionic. That's when the argument started. At least he left before he really blew up at me.

The whole weekend was back and forth with him. One minute he's willing to do anything, the next he wants me to get a divorce, if that's what I want, because he's not going to put up with it anymore. (I haven't mentioned divorce once yet.) He finally asked me what I wanted, and I said to not be a target of his anger anymore. He said what would happen if that didn't change, and I said I would not be a target of his anger anymore, that was the last time I'd put up with it. So now he's all depressed that I want to leave him, and when the kids ask him what's wrong, he's telling the kids I'm mad at him :mad:.

The odd thing is, my depression seems to be lifting. I guess getting it all out there for him to know, has helped me a great deal. We are going to talk to a counselor, but I really have no expectations about what will happen, because I really don't know. Will he accept things and try to change, or will I have to make the next move. Whichever, I think I'm coming to some sort of peace about it.

Thanks susie, I hadn't thought of that. I am going to try to look them up.
 

gcvmom

Here we go again!
There's another book called "When Anger Hurts" I bought at the recommendation of an old therapist who thought my husband might have Intermittent Explosive Disorder or some such thing (they didn't hit it off too well...)

He needs to understand that his anger IS a problem if it's hurting you.

I'm glad you're feeling a sense of calm -- I finally got to that place after spelling out my boundaries with husband, and even calling him on his divorce insinuations (he shut up about it after that). husband is also known to pout and tell the kids "Mommy doesn't love me like she used to" when he's feeling hurt and abandoned, although that's getting better. It's amazing how he just doesn't get it that there are TWO people in the relationship and things can't just go on as if he's all by himself.

I find the Serenity Prayer especially helpful at times like this...

Hang in there!
 

TerryJ2

Well-Known Member
The odd thing is, my depression seems to be lifting. I guess getting it all out there for him to know, has helped me a great deal. We are going to talk to a counselor, but I really have no expectations about what will happen, because I really don't know. Will he accept things and try to change, I will I have to make the next move. Whichever, I think I'm coming to some sort of peace about it.


I like this part. I wish you well. I hope the sessions go well.
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
The odd thing is, my depression seems to be lifting. I guess getting it all out there for him to know, has helped me a great deal. We are going to talk to a counselor, but I really have no expectations about what will happen, because I really don't know.

Linda, I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better. I think taking a stand and identifying what you're no longer willing to put up with is a huge step. You have taken such a firm stand and that's great.

I am concerned that your husband is moaning to your children that you are mad at him. Does he recognize how highly inappropriate that is, to put your children into the middle of your relationship issues? Something else to add to the list for the counsellor, I think?

Hope things work out for you, and that you continue to find peace and strength.

{{{{{Hugs}}}}} from another one who's been there,
Trinity
 

OpenWindow

Active Member
Thank you Trinity, Terry and gcvmom.

The Serenity Prayer is my "go to" prayer, as well as old saying I learned from a very wise board member: "If you always do what you always did, you always get what you always got."

I've lived those in every aspect of my life except for with my husband, and that's changing now.

husband is trying to get out of counseling, which is starting this week, and thinks that saying he's sorry and his promise that it will never happen again should be good enough. And of course, if I wouldn't push him he wouldn't get angry.

Thank you everyone for your support. It has helped me stay strong and not second-guess myself.

Linda
 
F

flutterbee

Guest
As far as personality disorders go, borderline, narcissistic and histrionic are all in the same group. There are like 3 classifications or groups of the various personality disorders. The three mentioned are part of Cluster B (Anti-Social personality disorder is also in the same cluster). IOW, it's really not surprising that he came up with traits of the 3 that he did doing the survey.
 
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