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husband is Wavering...
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<blockquote data-quote="susiestar" data-source="post: 403483" data-attributes="member: 1233"><p>I am so sorry. I do think that making him be responsible for handling ALL of the school issues, doctor appts, psychiatrist appts, deal with homework, etc... is an EXCELLENT strategy. Clearly having YOU do all of that has NOT worked to help her, so maybe having HIM do it will be the "magic bullet" he is looking for. Or maybe he should get an apartment to live in with her - NOT because you want a divorce or separation, but because she clearly is NOT thriving in a home environment and is NOT helping ds to thrive. husband and I thought about it, esp when he was refusing to think about placement or any other options (not that we really had any choices because no one but us and our therapist really cared what we did with him). It was the danger to Jessie and having to share our room/bed with her on many many nights because she was scared or in danger from Wiz. </p><p> </p><p>This is harsh and maybe mean, but would you consider some ex-lax cookies for husband on the morning of the meeting? A special smoothie with lots of prune juice or something? Just enough to keep him home from the meeting? I guess he could still stop it after you agree to it, and that would be worse because then they would say "well,we offered it and you didn't take it so you are on your own", but there has GOT to be SOME WAY to get through to him that this is just NOT GOOD FOR difficult child!</p><p> </p><p>Has he really thought about what her life at age 18 will be? Does he truly think she will change on her own by then? If she refuses to go to college or work, and you want to kick her out, would he refuse to allow that? Cause it sure looks like that is the road she is headed for, likely with drug use included. </p><p> </p><p>Given her looking for sex with strangers on the internet, has he thought about what will happen when she is 16 and can legally consent? Or 17 and in most states they won't prosecute a guy for statutory rape if the girl is 17 even if the law says 18, esp if the girl initiated things? Is HE ready to supervise her during all of this, along with the meetings, appointments, driving around, etc...? Have the 2 of you really talked about what her future is going to be like if things continue the way they are now? What is HIS view of her future at this point if things don't change? does he know what YOU and the therapist/psychiatrist see?</p><p> </p><p>Maybe discussing that, and then letting him know that if he doesn't go along with placement if it is offered with funding then he has to change his entire life to take over her care, feeding and appointments as well as her supervision after school because you just cannot cope anymore esp as you are well aware that she needs FAR more intense help than she can get while living in a home and your son needs FAR more peace and far less gfgness in his life.</p><p> </p><p>Also, has your husband really looked at what this does to ds? Stress will make his arthritis much worse, so will the torture that difficult child puts him through. Is this what he wants ds to think that HE is supposed to do when he is a teen? Sometimes a close look at the harsh realities that the sibs of difficult children endure can be a wakeup call for parents too.</p><p> </p><p>These are just ideas. whatever you do you have my full support. I know you will try to get him to see that she NEEDs help and isn't getting it at home because she doesn't have to. I really DO think he needs to take on the responsibility of her appts, esp with psychiatrist, therapist and to take over the calls from school. NOT just because you need a break, but because I have a feeling he is hiding from the reality that he will have to see if he has to deal wwith all of these things. You will still have to meet him at the therapist and psychiatrist to make sure he doesn't tell them everything is rosy and wonderful, but it would do HIM a world of good to see the reality of all of her treatment and the way it isn't helping her because she won't let it.</p><p> </p><p>Showing HIM the list of all you have tried that hasn't helped might be more useful than showing it to the others at the meeting - an eye opener? Just a thought, esp as he didn't really want you to take all of that stuff to the meeting. Marg also had good points about him handling a crisis and not following through if you read back through a couple of her posts. </p><p> </p><p>I am so sorry. Why is it we have to fight our spouses as much as our kids sometimes?</p><p> </p><p>((((((((((hugs))))))))))</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="susiestar, post: 403483, member: 1233"] I am so sorry. I do think that making him be responsible for handling ALL of the school issues, doctor appts, psychiatrist appts, deal with homework, etc... is an EXCELLENT strategy. Clearly having YOU do all of that has NOT worked to help her, so maybe having HIM do it will be the "magic bullet" he is looking for. Or maybe he should get an apartment to live in with her - NOT because you want a divorce or separation, but because she clearly is NOT thriving in a home environment and is NOT helping ds to thrive. husband and I thought about it, esp when he was refusing to think about placement or any other options (not that we really had any choices because no one but us and our therapist really cared what we did with him). It was the danger to Jessie and having to share our room/bed with her on many many nights because she was scared or in danger from Wiz. This is harsh and maybe mean, but would you consider some ex-lax cookies for husband on the morning of the meeting? A special smoothie with lots of prune juice or something? Just enough to keep him home from the meeting? I guess he could still stop it after you agree to it, and that would be worse because then they would say "well,we offered it and you didn't take it so you are on your own", but there has GOT to be SOME WAY to get through to him that this is just NOT GOOD FOR difficult child! Has he really thought about what her life at age 18 will be? Does he truly think she will change on her own by then? If she refuses to go to college or work, and you want to kick her out, would he refuse to allow that? Cause it sure looks like that is the road she is headed for, likely with drug use included. Given her looking for sex with strangers on the internet, has he thought about what will happen when she is 16 and can legally consent? Or 17 and in most states they won't prosecute a guy for statutory rape if the girl is 17 even if the law says 18, esp if the girl initiated things? Is HE ready to supervise her during all of this, along with the meetings, appointments, driving around, etc...? Have the 2 of you really talked about what her future is going to be like if things continue the way they are now? What is HIS view of her future at this point if things don't change? does he know what YOU and the therapist/psychiatrist see? Maybe discussing that, and then letting him know that if he doesn't go along with placement if it is offered with funding then he has to change his entire life to take over her care, feeding and appointments as well as her supervision after school because you just cannot cope anymore esp as you are well aware that she needs FAR more intense help than she can get while living in a home and your son needs FAR more peace and far less gfgness in his life. Also, has your husband really looked at what this does to ds? Stress will make his arthritis much worse, so will the torture that difficult child puts him through. Is this what he wants ds to think that HE is supposed to do when he is a teen? Sometimes a close look at the harsh realities that the sibs of difficult children endure can be a wakeup call for parents too. These are just ideas. whatever you do you have my full support. I know you will try to get him to see that she NEEDs help and isn't getting it at home because she doesn't have to. I really DO think he needs to take on the responsibility of her appts, esp with psychiatrist, therapist and to take over the calls from school. NOT just because you need a break, but because I have a feeling he is hiding from the reality that he will have to see if he has to deal wwith all of these things. You will still have to meet him at the therapist and psychiatrist to make sure he doesn't tell them everything is rosy and wonderful, but it would do HIM a world of good to see the reality of all of her treatment and the way it isn't helping her because she won't let it. Showing HIM the list of all you have tried that hasn't helped might be more useful than showing it to the others at the meeting - an eye opener? Just a thought, esp as he didn't really want you to take all of that stuff to the meeting. Marg also had good points about him handling a crisis and not following through if you read back through a couple of her posts. I am so sorry. Why is it we have to fight our spouses as much as our kids sometimes? ((((((((((hugs)))))))))) [/QUOTE]
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