Husband issues

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by PatriotsGirl, Apr 11, 2014.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Sigh...

    So husband and I had an argument the night before last. A stupid one about laundry not being done when he got home. I was ticked. I had just finished cooking dinner and cleaning up two nights in a row while he came home, showered and sat on his rear end. So to me, I felt like he was acting like king of the roost and how dare we not do laundry! When I brought up that hey, I work, I cooked, I cleaned, etc, he started ranting about Marina. Why couldn't she do it? Said she sits on her lazy, fat butt all day and I let her. Said this was supposed to be two weeks, remember?? And called her a mooch. (we are talking about 2 loads of laundry)

    Honestly, I guarantee something else is bothering him that he has been stewing over and it erupted over laundry. That is his MO. It comes out as something out of left field and it turns out to be something else entirely. It is one of the most annoying personality traits that he has.

    Regardless, I can say that everything he said has really changed how I look a him. I am SO angry. It did real damage. Thank heavens she was not home to hear any of that because it is not true. Not in the least. She works her butt off and anything that her and Connor need, she buys. She only eats with us two nights a week. The only thing we provide now is a roof over her head which we have anyway. He should be proud of her. I am.

    This is a text she sent to me that very night after getting home and having absolutely NO knowledge of the argument that happened earlier: "I love you so much. Thank you for everything you do for me and Connor. And allowing me and Connor to stay here even though it gets hard at times."

    I thought husband and I were on the same page. I thought we both felt incredibly blessed to have our family together. Sure, it was an adjustment at first. It was an adjustment for me to get used to all the hours he is working now. But I adjusted. We are always so happy, smiling and laughing all the time. Enjoying our time with Connor. I thought life was so unbelievably fantastic that I had to pinch myself to make sure it was real. My family has definitely become my number one priority in life. They are my world - my everything. Laundry, dishes, a clean house - not priorities anymore. Who cares about stuff like that? We are not living in filth. We have a cleaning lady.

    I know we are supposed to put our spouses first, but always? I honestly feel, at this point in my life, that if he is not happy having his family under one roof, then he can leave. Marina and Connor are not going anywhere. I am sorry. I told him that he can stop throwing that "two weeks" in my face because I am never, ever going to regret having them here. I told him how incredibly lonely I would be if they weren't. Even if he doesn't really enjoy them being here, he is never here anyway! By the time he gets home from work - I see him maybe two hours before he is asleep. And he works Saturdays. I would be alone ALL the time. I would be miserable.

    So, I am sad. I am sad that even though he is probably upset about something else entirely, that this is how he thinks about our daughter and our family life. I am seriously, after 17 years, thinking about the future of my marriage. If this is how he truly feels, I am not sure I want to continue being with him then. One of the things I find so incredibly sexy about him is when I see him being the doting grampa and fun loving dad. And so, with the opposite, it is affecting how I view him. Maybe our priorities have changed and they are not aligned anymore. I am still honestly shocked that he feels that way. It came from left field. He certainly didn't act like he felt that way...

    Obviously he and I need to have a serious talk. I am standing my ground. At 40 years old, I know what I want in life. I want to cherish this time with my family. Once it is gone, it is never coming back. I do not want to spend the rest of my life at home alone working all the time. I don't think it would be fair that he would expect me to. Does he really want to spend the rest of his life alone? I honestly don't think so. I just don't get it. I really don't. And I cannot shake this feeling that I have now when I look at him. :(
     
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    Just got off the phone with him. Turns out the problem is that we babysit ALL the time. We never have time together to connect and he feels that we are drifting apart. I can't say I blame him there. We need to find another babysitter - especially on the weekends. I told Marina that she has to tell work that she can work every other Saturday but not every Saturday anymore. Not unless she finds another baby sitter (and to be honest, I don't really trust anyone to babysit). Glad we talked it out but he is still so negative. Said he doesn't see it changing and only sees bad things coming. Me - I am like okay, let's fix the problem - let's make sure we get US time.

    He is a pessimist and I am an optimist...so frustrating...
     
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I feel for you. Really do. I'm currently in a bit of same place. I really, really don't like how my husband acts with our difficult child and it is affecting how I feel for HIM and how I see HIM. It's not really even about difficult child, it is how he acts. And it ticks me that if and when I'm angry about it, it always turns to be difficult child's fault in his eyes. Even when difficult child actually doesn't know, notice or care half of it.

    Glad that you were able to talk and his reason to be frustrated is reasonable. And I unde5rstand also that. Him having to work so much, I'm sure he really would need some time to relax and be with you, and babysitting a baby is not relaxing. But I understand also your anger over how he goes about it.

    And again to be against 'the truths', I'm not so totally sure we are suppose to put our spouses first. Men are like trains, if you miss a one, next one will come anyway, after all....
     
  4. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    *HUGS*

    Yeah, I know this feeling only too well.

    What I can say though is - I know how much you two love one another. But you DO need time together, sans kids/grandkid. That is one of my biggest pet peeves, that husband and I don't get time alone... Except on the way to sleep.
     
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I told him we are going out to dinner tonight. I don't care what time or if that is all we do, but we are going. He has never been to Cheesecake Factory so that is where I am taking him. :)

    And Marina already said if they schedule her for next Saturday, she will call in sick (for the first time). I told her we both agree that we do not care about Monday through Friday - heck I don't care about Sunday evenings, either. It is our Saturdays. I told her to tell work that she can work every other Saturday, but not every Saturday.

    Hopefully we will have a great dinner tonight and some alone time once we get home...
     
  6. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    I am praying for you guys. You really do need to keep each other as a priority in your lives.
     
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    We did have a wonderful dinner last night. :)

    We will be fine - he isn't going anywhere and he says he is just as proud of Marina and loves having Connor here. We just really needed to reconnect and make sure we carve out that time...

    Thanks for letting me vent!!
     
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Doing the happy dance for you guys
     
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Im glad you worked it all out. I am having issues with Tony and we will have been together 31 years in July. There are times I honestly wonder if we are going to make that mark. Probably will because I simply cannot afford to go anywhere and that is sad.

    All we do is argue. The laundry thing is so familiar. I get griped at if I dont do the laundry, clean well enough, cook every night. Its absurd considering my disabilities. I do ask him to make dinner for us on the weekends because in order for me to cook I have to either push a huge, heavy wheelchair around the kitchen or sit on a stool. I cant stand up. He has the gal to be ticked at me and refuses to even cook a simple meal like something frozen on the one night a week I get home late from taking my oldest granddaughter to gymnastics. He gets home around 6:15 pm and I dont get in until around 8. How hard is it to boil water to throw frozen creamed chipped beef in? He doesnt even have to make mine. I will do it when I get home.

    I know attempting to get the intimacy angle going for us simply will not work because he isnt interested.
     
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