husband lied to me

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Feb 17, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi it's early and i gotta go somewhere with this beyond i'm really thrown bigtime.

    so yesterday as many of you know i unfortunately had cps at my house a scheduled meeting about difficult child school etc.

    so as many of you may also know husband's ex wife has presented endless struggles in our family, has gone after him in text inappropriately for years following the divorce i love you etc. it's kinda like i went thru their divorce with them and all the degrees of seperation that come with it if you know what i mean. to this day he has to watch himself because he'll answer to her ina heartbeat. many therapists tell me that's what 18 years of marriage will do to you.

    so we sat there yesterday and he pulled phone out during mtg. (inappropriate) i said what are you doing? i'm texting his daughter my step daughter. why? she's at her doctor appointment today. she has turners so every now and again her heart has to be checked. i said oh ok. he even went so far as to say that he was texting her because she kept asking "daddy how are you?" which i laughed. from her mom's phone ofcourse.

    so long story short my gut was telling me he was lying to me. i even specifically asked him do not tell your ex wife about cps. it's none of her business. he said oh why would i do that?? oh ok good got that covered.

    i go into his cell today. woke up early it's his birthday to give him a cake with-kids and cards. i look thru and what do i see?

    he was texting his ex wife during the cps meeting. stupid junk did stepson take project to house etc etc than she texts why so short and sweet? Like she even has a right to do that.

    he proceeds to answer CPS IS HERE.

    well i totally lost it. he lied not only once yet twice to me. and ontop of that the sick twisted connection the two of them have is obviously still there for her to even text why so short and sweet and him actually answer.

    so i grabbed phone in a fit of rage on this man's birthday no less and walked into the shower and said wow so you were texting our kid?? you didnt' tell your ex right about cps?/ he tried to lie some more to cover it i walked into my room thru my boots on because i had to get away from him. went to truck to have a cigarette because didnt' want to blow infront of kids.

    needless to say he had the nerve to stand there and say well she had a right to know and defend both lies. NO SHE DIDNT'.

    so here i sit, he left with-kids to drop them at school, go to gym and than work. i didnt' do birthday cake, didnt' do anything didnt' speak to him. he came in to say good bye i closed bedroom door.

    i do not know how i can forgive him of this, if i even can. i can't trust him now. he's lied in the past before tends to changes stories that's always been his MOand yes i put up with it. you know how it goes good with bad.

    yet i feel so stumped on this. maybe i'll calm i just dont' know. how can i get past this now? we were already in turmoil trying so hard to keep it together and this well blew me away sobadly

    any advice?
  2. Jena

    Jena New Member

    no one wants to touch this one yet, huh... ? dont' be afraid to offend me i'm soo open on this one. the best is i sat here drinking coffee, trying to see if i could put it in perspective, figure out why he would do this, break trust, lie etc? can't come up with any tangible and logical reasons other than him doing what he wants to do AND i text him a few times just saying ok i'm a bit calmer now why would you even do such a thing? what are you or were you thinking? you broke trust in a major way and it isnt' the first time we are in recovery mode.

    he isnt' even answering my texts. it's just all so surreal after all the junk that's hit our home, yet another problem.i'm actually sitting here doing the marriage is about forgiveness etc. **** in my mind. yet it keeps popping back in its' also about trust. trust is huge! it may seem like nothing what he did. yet there has been years literally years of him sharing personal info with ex in past and we thru all of that. i did get it he was going thru as i said the multiple degrees of seperation. that's what a friend does they stand by you, get it etc. yet how can i get this?

    i even stated that she may somehow someway have triggered this ugly situation, due to the fact and yes i sound paranoid yet u guys dont' know this woman she's wild by talking to her close friend on the Special Education board committee and the district pyschologist than he texts her this??? and more importantly lied to me. didnt' say hey i think she should know what do you think? incase it becomes involved with my kids etc. i could see that conversation happening yet who is he to share my personal info about MY child with her? meanwhile all the time saying how differently hes handling her, cutting her off when she texts i love you, etc. by the way she's remarried.

    i just don't know. im giong to try not to put a major hamper on difficult child's day and mine due to this. easy child has riding lesson today and is doing really well suddenly the medications are working, difficult child well work in progress. yet kids know me well, difficult child knows i didnt' do cake this morning. i'm tired of trying toshelter her over and over again. i said simple husband lied to me, i am upset, it doesn't involve you nor is it your fault, dont' worry. i just am upset right now and need to work it thru somehow. because right way my little sponge said what's wrong, why aren't we doing cake? you dont' seem happy today.not my usual smiling what's the plan today mom.
  3. You said "...he's lied in the past before tends to changes stories that's always been his MOand yes i put up with it." Why would he ever stop? It's been working for him. And whatever weird relationship he and his ex have is still there. It's still there, you haven't left, and the price he pays for having both of you isn't too high for him. Is having him in your life worth the price you're paying? You're the only one who can know that deep inside. There's also the question of -- what are you teaching the children? My mother put up with bad behavior so my sister and I learned to put up with bad behavior. Took years for me to figure out alternatives and I am making a point of telling my daughter that you always need to be able to walk away from anyone, anything.

    If having this man in your life is worth the lies and the continued relationship with his ex, then search inside yourself to find things that will give you sufficient pleasure or peace to make up for it and develop deeper relationships with other people so you have support. I'm thinking family, friends, church groups, etc rather than finding your own boyfriend but I realize some people choose that route, too -- I just couldn't do it. But you do need emotional support that you aren't going to get where you are.

    If you really don't want to live this way, then make it clear you won't. Talk to a lawyer on the QT first to figure out how to protect your assets and ensure access to your share of them. Offer to go to counseling with husband or just tell him one of you is moving out until he makes his choice. The problem with an ultimatum is that you have to be prepared to follow through on it ... which means you have had to do enough soul-searching to make that commitment.

    The situation and his behavior aren't going to change on their own, as this is a long-standing issue (as I understand it). Sometimes the only way to win is not to play.
  4. Hey, Jena! I must have been typing away while you were posting your second post. I am very sorry you're having this extra stress. I wish I knew the right thing to say to help you feel better. Can you do some physical work so you're burning off energy and focusing on something else? I personally like to dig in the garden. After a while, I stop thinking about digging a really, really deep hole for someone and start thinking about the future fresh vegetables or flowers I'll be getting and that puts me in a better frame of mind. Take care -- I'll be thinking about you today. And if something in earlier post came across as judgmental or insensitive, I'm sorry -- my written words don't always convey the feeling I want.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    Just hugs.

    I have a slightly different point of view... Because you know they say not to sweat the small things? Well, when major chaos is happening, even the anthills look like Everest.

    I'm not saying he's right. In fact, the whole lie part - no matter how small it is - makes me angry. I do not deal well with lying.

    I had some issues going on with husband. I was putting up with being taken advantage of. Sometimes, I still do it. But when I laid down the law - calmly - something gave. husband has become a Dad, instead of just the guy in the house and it wasn't his problem. No, he's not perfect, and makes me want to scream and punch sometimes, but that's the work part of marriage. in my opinion.

    But my point is, right now you are coming down the back side of difficult child's eating issues. And then you get hit with easy child's acting out. And now difficult child's acting out. And you're trying to hold it together. So, yeah, maybe he was wrong. But maybe he wants attention too, and bad attention is better than good, right? (I know, you're rolling your eyes at me, but we ALL have difficult child tendencies occasionally!) He just doesn't quite know how to get it without angering you. And you're already on the edge.

    (FWIW, when I'm calm and the house is clean, husband can do something really stupid and I shrug it off, when I am upset one sock hanging over the edge of the hamper and not IN it sends me over the edge...)

    HUGS. Your world is seriously chaotic right now. He needs to know, though, that you WILL NOT put up with this kind of behavior.
  6. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Jena, the past 10 years here in tweedleland have been over the top stressful. I've stuffed emotions/feelings for years to the point where my health took a major hit; then husband died & I was left with incredibly challenging 14 y/o twins.

    It's a bit over 2 years since husband died & the stress continues to a new more frightening level & I find myself "reacting" in far different ways to what I used to let slide. My ability to maintain my typical calm is long gone. I'm learning many new things about myself & ugly things I really do not like.

    Saying the above, Jena, you've been under an incredible amount of stress over the past months(years). All of us have lied to our spouses/significant others ~ big lies & little white lies. husband has a responsibility to his children & needs to communicate with his children's mother to do that. Was it right that he was texting during the mtg? Probably not. Was it right that he told his ex? Not something I'd want known. Yet it's something that happened.

    Who does husband have to talk to about the level of stress surrounding your difficult child & easy child of late? He's been extremely supportive of the situation as you've stated time & again. Understand that your husband is living life on the edge right beside you. I'm not making excuses - I've become almost hyper aware of how a husband operates; especially since my husband died.

    Jena, your reaction to this is hurt ~ what are you going to do with your reaction? Can you let it go & talk rationally later? Is this worth ruining an entire day over? If it is what is your plan? This doesn't involve difficult child or easy child; strictly between you & husband.

    Honey, this is all part of life in marriage ~ ex's play a big part nowadays. Good, bad or indifferent this is life.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i've done the stand down with-him in the past regarding the ex, them talking etc. only due to the fact she creates havoc in our lives and to me by talking to her is giving her the ok to do so. a green light in a sense. we've been thru alot together, we have both and i mean both made some mistakes along the way. yet just yesterday we sat down and talked and decided that marriage counseling was a route we wanted to go, that what we have between us is worth fighting for. we both have lost our temper in the heat of the moment with-all the pressure and said some seriously not nice things to eachother in our midnight mtgs i call them when the kids are sleeping and we're talking.

    yet this threw me so badly. we just talked about trust yesterday. he looked me dead in the face and actually lied to me. trust is huge for me. it truly is the foundation that keeps a marraige or relationship still alive. he lied not once but twice. and with whom the infamous ex wife. this will spread like wild fire thru the neighborhood now due to my husband. that just seems so incredibly wrong to me on so many levels.

    what am i prepared to do? sheesh i have no clue i'm just working thru my feelings on this one this morning. how much can one forgive in a relationship without compromising ones self? do i love this man? yes i truly do love him flaws and all. for a while i was on the fence because he's rough at times with-the chaotic work schedule chaotic kids his nutsy ex and his nutsy family. yet i had to say ok do i love him, can i imagine my life without him? the answers were all no.

    yet now being backstabbed by the man i trust and love and am married to? who sat there yesterday telling me cps was no big deal to calm down? than i have to say ok maybe h'es texting his ex due to stress? not ok. not ok. than for him to ignore me as if i've done something wrong when he knows deep down inside how very messed up this is.
  8. Josie

    Josie Active Member

    Maybe he lied because you were in the middle of a CPS meeting and he didn't want you to be angry right then? Maybe he had already told her about CPS when you told him not to.

    I would stop checking his cell phone. It is only upsetting you to know how much he texts her. From what you have said, it doesn't look like it is anything more than talk about kids. If she is a bigger threat to your marriage, stopping the texts won't change that anyway.

    FWIW, if my husband asked me how much time I spent on the computer, the answer would be embarrassing and I might lie about it, even though I rarely lie. I would consider it a harmless lie and vow to spend less time on the computer from now on. Maybe it is a similar thing.
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm thinking it's almost a kid thing--they lie because they don't want to get into trouble and then it makes it worse.
    Also, if he really thinks it's not that big of a deal, then he's so deep into the dysfunctional relationships that he does need counseling to help him discern what it a big deal and what isn't, Know what I mean?? Sometimes we get so used to all this ^**^!@@ that we think it's all okay.
    I don't think he "gets" the lying/honesty/trust part. I think he just acted on the spur of the moment so you wouldn't blow up during the mtng.
    And, like a kid, he shouldn't have been texting during the mtng anyway. He needs to put his exwife on the back burner, Know what I mean?? She's not the priority right now. That would be a good topic for a counseling session right there.

    I have no idea what she has a right to know and not know. I have no idea of the legal issues. I'm just saying he needs to work through the get-into-trouble-because-I'm-getting-sucked-into-old habits-then-get-out-of-trouble-by-lying routine.

    Sorry I've been off the boards (don't know if I'm any help anyway) but I had sciatica for 4 mo's, can sit for about an hr now, then went out of town, then my computer crashed, and now I'm painting and having long days.

    Best of luck!
    Last edited: Feb 17, 2011
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Since his biokids visit every other weekend (if I remember correctly) they are aware of the crisis mode your home is in. They most likely share with their Mom as kids should and most kids do. I know that when my kids came home from a visit I always asked "what's new at Dad's house" and "what did you guys do while you were gone". There was no way that I wanted them to censor knowledge of their lives and what impacted it...even though there were some issues from our home I would have preferred they not share I didn't want them to feel like they were in a position to hide info from either parent.

    You and your family have been under extreme stress. All the kids know most of what's going on even though they don't know details. Chances are their Mom is aware. Chances are she asked her Ex and even though he wanted to keep his word to you he felt it necessary to tell the truth.
    Sadly, it appears to me, he opted not to upset you by sharing that truth with you. I'm sorry.

    I totally disagree with anyone who tells you to deep six your marriage as a result. You love the man. He is under tremendous stress with the business and at home trying to be the dependable one for you and all the kids. As a business owner who is barely getting by, worried about the very questionable state of the economy and it's impact on meeting basic financial needs...I get his issues.

    I also understand that you want to keep a sense of personal privacy and your disappointment in discovering his lie. But....I don't think it is reasonable to expect that he can filter all the troubles and make the right choice every time. He loves you. He loves your children and is extremely important to your difficult child. Find a way to come to peace, Jena. It's in your best interest, the kids best interest and your husband's best interest. Sending caring thoughts and hugs your way. DDD
  11. Jena

    Jena New Member

    i truly appreciate the friendships here. yes my house is under seige yet it's been going ok, i'm getting it al together cps or no cps. i really am. hard work does pay off and i've been doing it each and every day.

    my issue here is more than this one thing with-him and her. it's this ongoing thing that he does with-her. he has done this on more than one occassion. i need to know there will be an end if sight that this wont' keep repeating and it does.

    he did call me. he said well if you dont' trust me after all iv'e done for you and kids i have your back all the time than i dont' know what to say. did i make a mistake yes i did. why'd i do it you kept blaming her and i wanted to know the truth. i said what? as if you would get that from her? stupid he is. she cheated, lied and has been trying to break us up for years now.

    i said to him here's the problem at hand it's ok to make mistakes we'll both make them, **** eachother off, hurt eachother and its the love that we share that has to keep prevailing. yet when we make mistakes we have to learn from them not continue to repeat them. yet you keep repeating the same mistake over and over again with-the same exact woman.

    i told him i need you to figure out why it is you keep doing this to us? you keep hurting our marriage and trust by going to her and sharing with-her, answering to her. now you have given the one person in this town who hates me more than life ammo plain and simple that she will use against me when needed. so now you have made me living here harder by sharing something so incredibly personal with her. wrong wrong wrong

    he said i get if you want me to leave. yet he said you too have made mistakes there's alot of pressure here all the time what to say to her how to handle her according to you all the time. i'm tired of it. he said take your time think it thru let me know what you want from me this.

    i said moving forward i have to know that the lies will stop, that honesty will prevail without total honesty there is nothing. without honesty there is no trust at all. i have to know that when you tell me something i can count on your words to me as being truth credible. you now taught me i can't.

    so i have some thinking to do. i keep forgiving him, unconditionally loving him and he keeps making the same exact mistakes with the same exact woman and this one could potentially hurt difficult child and me now. i'm very upset with-him. i don't know where my mind will fall with this. honesty to me is crucial to a relationship.

    than he tells me he's wililng to explore in therapy why he keeps answering her if the "therapist" feels it's wrong. why he keeps jumping thru hoops of fire for her, why she is put first and i'm not. that's a real problem for me.
  12. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Jen, I think I know exactly what you're saying. Why he bends over backwards to make sure she's happy even at the expense of your relationship with him.

    husband used to do this. My friend E does it (and it upsets his current wife, really, really badly). I'm not sure I'm even right here but I think it's this: He loves his KIDS, too. And he's afraid he's going to lose them if he doesn't kiss her rear.

    It's not necessary... Some exes are vindictive... And hon? It's not YOU personally that she despises. It would be anyone - if husband had found them instead. She's miserable, so she is trying to make his life miserable by making YOU miserable. (Plus you've got all this other stuff going on.) It's enough to make a frog quack.

    Hugs, hon. So not easy.
  13. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well......I didn't see this ---that's why I din't touch it - but here goes.

    First of all - SHAME ON YOU for touching his phone. Yup - you heard me. This to me? Is childish. See, in my world - you either trust him or you don't. If you don't and you put SO much emphasis on trust? WHY do you keep trusting him with things? Because why? Because he's your husband, because he's your help-mate, because you are waiting for him to tell you a lie again, because you know he will and you are waiting to pounce on him and rip him a new one? Someone said - All partners lie to each other. I don't know if I believe that or not. I think if you lie to me once? My trust is gone. HOW do I trust you again? Ever? Answer? Either I don't, or it's going to take a lifetime to rebuild it, and if you have already been lied to and have issues - either you had better GET into and stay into counseling and deal with the hurt and work on trust - or decide that it's okay in your relationship that you lie to each other and agree on a recommended number of times that you can do it a week, a month, a year, a life-time. Me personally? Past saying something like - "No your backside doesn't look big in those pants." I pretty much already know when I ask whats up. You did too - OTHERWISE you wouldn't have gone snooping into your husbands phone.

    If you have to snoop - that's an invasion of HIS privacy - so you open a whole can of worms - to which I think you may so - "SO go ahead I have nothing to hide." But you don't realize that you are breaking just as much trust down of yourself as you already feel for him.

    What would have been better? - WHY would it have been SO hard to walk over to him and say "I don't believe you were truthful with me yesterday in the meeting when that phone call came, and I have doubts. I'd like to talk about that so there is trust between us. Will you show me the conversation or not?" If he does? Then you talk about it like adults - not throw boots like an angry difficult child, and go off somewhere and pout. This is no good model for children and it certainly didn't accomplish ANYTHING did it? If he did NOT show you the phone? Then it's on him at that point and then you say something like "Well, I thought we had a better relationship than that - I was really hoping for trust here, and now? Now I'm not so sure because there is no reason for you not to show me what I'm asking for."

    It's not like you can do this every day - or even every week because if you are having THAT much doubt? You need counseling. Plain and simple either you trust HIM or YOU DO NOT. This has NOTHING to do with your kids or the house or the situation that the kids cause other than the fact that your insecurities about his relationship with his ex wife and their connection with their children make you feel uneasy. If there is still a connection there? Why did he marry you? That's the question I would ask, or would have asked before I married him.

    True - the stress of our kids doesn't HELP relationships but it's not the cause of the lack of trust in this one. The more you keep doing things like this to a man? The more of a wedge you are driving between the two of you. Things like snooping in a phone, going through a wallet, pants pockets, briefcase, car - this is very unnecessary if you have trust. If you don't have that? You have nothing.

    Whatever it is in this triangulation? Needs to stop - but it isn't until you start talking to someone - and I've told you this before - IF HE GOES WITH YOU? Great. If he does NOT? YOU KEEP GOING. Sometimes a relationship will heal in ways you can't possibly imagine - if one person heals themselves. May not be the way you invisioned - but it could be the best thing ever!

    Hope this makes sense - and by the way - past throwing boots at him? You do owe him an apology. in my opinion. And not a humble one either. Doesn't have to be a long, weepy one - You snooped, you were wrong - Leave it at that. You should have trusted him. It's a start.

    Hugs & Love
  14. Jena

    Jena New Member


    he offered to go to therapy and you are 100% right, the trust issue we have has absolutely nothing to do with any kid. yet the stress, financial loss, all that does as we know. your right also i dont trust him 100% to me there are averages there. he's the guy i dooo trust with my kids. he's the guy i can trust to pay the bills, be here when i need him or a kid needs him. according to him the 10 things he does right should be enough to keep loving him and work on it if he does 2 wrong.

    yet to me there are lines, boundaries that are being crossed by both. i know him and i knew he was lying. i even said to him i had a strong feeling you were sitting there texting your ex wife. he said no i wasnt. lie again. so i tried the logical approach, i truly did. i even mentioned last night to him while talking i still think your EX had some hand in cps. another opportunity for him to anti up, confess. still he chose the lie. to him it's easier i stay calm, he does what he does and all's well until yes i SNOOP. is it something i do everyday? not at all. have i done it in the past 2 years yes about 4 times and 3 times out of 4 i was right he was bsing me.

    why did he marry me? i asked him that prior to the marriage why are you marrying me? his answer because i love you, and i want to be with you, i want you in my life everyday and go down the road with you.

    made a huge dramatic speech (very unlike him) at our wedding had the entire place and myself in literal tears. he began with i met you and i was hurt, lost, and totally down and out yet i found my way and you helped me find my way. i'm ready now to leave my past behind me and be your best friend through our life together your a great mom and a great person we're def. different yet we always find our way and on and on it went. a whole page of it!

    was i wrong for going in phone, yea i stooped down, yet i had to confirm what i thought i knew or tell myself i'm totally paranoid. i'm still really mad at him, i have no clue how i'm giong to keep it calm with him and be decent and like a wife the next week till we go. the therapist is off next week i just found out.

    i did therapy up till i got back from portland can't find a new one here for me yet. therapy was great i dont' need to heal to assist him in not lying. he needs to break the connection with-his ex that is in my opinion distorted and if he can't thru therapy get what he's doing than it'll be time for me to make a choice. i know what i want, who i am and what i'm willing to take. this isnt' it. so yea i'll calm down and not bring more drama into my home by kicking him out right now. yet also we'll c what therapy brings because i will not ever be ok and i told him since day one with him paling out with-his ex with whom bashes me to the kids, his family, him and has been eagerly trying Occupational Therapist (OT) break us up since day one. yet laid back a bit because i do get how hard divorce and changing habits can be, i gave him some leeway. that's done with-now for me. i don't want to be a third wheel, afraid of what i'll tell him will he tell her. no, not for me at all. am i being dramatic? maybe yet that's who i am, and honestly i will feel that way afraid to share with-him afraid of what he'll tell her.

    no way to live. my challenge will be over the next week besides dealing with-continuing on path with kids getting them straightened out is keeping my mouth shut with-him not reacting when he's talking to his ex and biting my tongue till it bleeds. i have to be honest i can control my anger well yet certain things trigger me something awful and lying is one of them. now knowing his ex knows all about this sickens me.

    iw anted to ask him to stay at his dad's for a week yet than i thought of the repercussions that would have on my healing home. and i chose not to. yet it's going to be really hard to be around him the following week.

  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    ex'a are a piece of baggage that come when getting together with someone who has a past...especially kids. 18 years with the woman is really going to keep him tied to her plus the fact that he has what 2 or 3 kids? Its a shame that you all cant have a very workable relationship because that does cause havoc for everyone however the kids are going to go home and report whatever is going on in your house. Thats a given so whether he tells her or not, she is going to find out. It is better he tells her the truth than have it filtered by kids who get it wrong.

    Now as far as trust, that is a biggie. Tony and I have had our fair share of problems in that area. Mostly with him trusting me to be honest. Now, both of our lives are open books. As Dr Phil likes to say, we are transparent. I wouldnt go through his cell phone unless he asked me to and he wouldnt go through mine, though thats because he couldnt figure it I would be happy to open it up and let him read every thing in there. I dont do anything I wouldnt want him to know about...anymore. It would tick me off though if he thought he had to ask. That would probably cause a huge fight.

    I hear on the radio, normally around Valentines Day, requests for people who have been together for many years to call in and tell the secrets to staying together for a long time. Well I guess I qualify for the many years now since in July it will be 28! WOW!!! We have fought, we have gone through extremely hard times, we have been so broke we havent known where our next meal was going to come from, we have been down in the trenches of gfgdom, but one thing we never did was give up on each other even if we sometimes thought we couldnt stand to look at each other another day. Somehow we just kept on going knowing that we were together for a reason. What that reason is, sometimes we still dont But I guess we will just keep going on and now we look back and remember that for some reason, someone put us together to do this job and we did it. And we had some fun along the way. We hope we have some more fun and have at least 20 more years.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I've only read through a few of the responses......

    I can only give you insight from nearly 30 yrs as the 2nd wife. And as a child of a woman who married multiple times........of a father who married mult times.

    So before I even married husband I had some background. I knew he had a 1st wife. I knew he had a child with 1st wife. Which of course meant they had a history together, relationship, the whole deal. I knew that due to the child they had together that even though I was marrying husband........ex for all intent and purposes was part of that package whether I liked it or not. She would be involved in our lives on some level, period. From my own parents I knew one doesn't simply cut ties with an ex especially if you have kids with them. And well heck with my mom she never cut ties with her 2nd husband whom she never had kids with, they remained best friends until the day he died. (this is the man I refer to as dad, not my biodad) And let me tell you that mukked up more than one relationship all by itself, even though it was only on friend level and would never deviate from that..........try convincing a boyfriend or new husband of that. ugh

    If husband's kids visit on a reg basis, you can bet your bottom dollar ex knows everything going on within your household. And from the way you describe ex......I'd just plain count on it. Cuz odds are if the kids aren't volunteering the info, she's pumping them for it. Including those midnight discussions when the kids should be sleeping. (husband and I kept those for when the kids weren't even home, simpler)

    I'm not saying husband doing what he did was right and I'm not trying to excuse his behavior. And believe me I sooooooo understand the trust issues.

    But odds are ex already knew what was going on and timed her call accordingly. Puts husband on the spot with you, draws your attention to the call and what he's doing. Under such circumstances men often act like kids. Put on the hotspot they lie. And it's possible he was covering due to the fact that cps was there and didn't want you to be mad during the meeting. But then like with kids, they don't seem to know how to come clean with a lie and make it worse later. ugh

    Add in all the stress you two have been under...........and it turns what probably would've been a normal spat into something enormous.

    Married couples lie to each other, at least those who have lasting marriages do. Anyone who believes otherwise is a fool. I'm not talking huge earth shattering lies........but I mean c'mon, you could never live with another person for almost 30 yrs and be honest 24/7 you'd never make it out of the starting gate........or you'd kill each other. lol

    Thanks to my wonderful childhood I have major trust issues. During the first years of my marriage husband's lying drove me insane.........or at least to the very brink. husband will lie about anything, even when it's not necessary. The man is so used to lying that being honest doesn't occur to him, most especially back then. He has much improved these last several years......although I still take what comes out of his mouth with a grain of salt until it's proven one way or the other. It was while on my crusade to get him to STOP the lying that I realized I do it all the time too. Ok, so they're lil white oh no dear, no change from the groceries (while I tuck 100 bucks away in my hiding place that I saved on sales).........but still it is what it is even when it's done with good intentions. So I had to step back and look at it all again.

    My husband? He lies because he's deathly afraid of confrontation, he will do anything to avoid it. Lying was his tool to avoid it starting from a young age, then turned into habit as it appeared to pay off. The only thing that worked in his favor is if I really nailed him down on it......he usually came clean. But that meant I had to have the truth ready to rub in his face. I found with HIM yelling and carrying on only made his lying worse........because that is what he was trying to avoid. So I'd get all my ducks in a row, confront him with the truth once I'd given myself ample time to calm down so I could do it in a normal tone and expression.

    But I've discovered lying is a very hard habit to break. At least these days husband's tend to go along the lines of the lil white lies and those I can pretty much handle.

    Another thing I had to do was get my nose out of his business. I had to stop snooping. Not an easy thing for someone with trust issues to do let me tell you. I had to let it go. His lies, especially the not lil white ones, always caught up to him even without me snooping and fueling the fire. And I found when I wasn't fueling the fire........when that moment of catch up arrived it had much more impact. Not to mention I was a much calmer person day in and day out.

    As far as ex? Being the 2nd wife meant I had to let go of some things. He was going to talk to ex. Heck I was going to talk to ex. We would see her on occasion. Our home life was not going to be private due to katie coming to visit. Heck for that matter her home life wasn't private due to katie coming to visit as we heard about everything her mom had done since the last visit even when I did my best to stop the child from telling us because I could care less what her mother was or wasn't doing. ugh It hoovers not to be able to have a private home life but it also comes with the territory to a certain degree.

    Counseling is a really good idea for both of you. And if husband is willing, then honey go for it cuz so many men flat out and refuse. Like I said I'm not saying what he did was right or even excusing it. But him willing to go get help says he cares a LOT for YOU. And when gfgdom is slamming you both hard as well as lifes normal ups and downs ect........sometimes you have to step back and remind yourselves of that just to keep yourselves on the right track in your own relationship.

  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I've been a stepmom to three little kids (with Husband 1.0), had Miss KT with Husband 2.0, and a stepmom to two nearly grown boys when Hubby and I got married, and we're going on 11 years. I've dealt with psycho ex-wives, overbearing in-laws, juvenile court, custody issues, child support, unemployment, working long hours, and of course, all of Miss KT's delightful antics over the years.

    When you snoop, you almost always learn things that you probably don't want to know. With that said, husband shouldn't have lied to you. Hubby learned that early on, when one of his lies nearly broke up our marriage after only a few months. You have to decide if your marriage is important enough to you to work on. Sometimes it is, sometimes you realize you made a huge mistake, but you and your husband are the only ones who can make that determination. Hugs.
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    thanks i really appreciate everyone kicking up their personal experience with this issue to help me out it's extremely thoughtful and the time to even type it is appreciated. i get what your saying about lying i do. and the white lies as you said i let fly. it's hard yet i'm not giong to freak over him going to kmart than telling me he didnt'. he did that mos. ago.

    i think the issue at hand is more on a basis of we have a history him and i. in the early years he was all over the board, he's come into his own to an extent as of late and i can see some effort and growth there. he cheated early on with-a waitress he was texting, than with another woman an old friend and their conversations gota little too personal if you know what i mean. nothing explicit yet a whole lotta flirting. that was years ago yet i threatened than to leave. he cleaned up his act came to understand he was lashing out and craving attention due to his ex of 18 years turning gay suddenly. so yea we both healed from that.

    yet those knee jerk reactions are still there in me with him. so this isn't my past of my own so much partly it's more my past with him that's taught me. if his ex were somewhat normal id' be totally ok i really would. yet she's vindictive openly bashes me to kids neighbors ppl here which has lead me to have almost no friends here adn lifes dificult here. than she bashes me on facebook to him. the fun never stops with her. texts on wedding night, honeymoon, when we land.

    problem is he's encouraging them if you ask me and he has to do some soul searching to figure out why he's doing that, why he runs to her each time life slams him.he manages to bring it up to her let her know sort of thing. he talked to her winds up after he left house on his way to therapy after cps lol. laughable right? he called her to tell her and supposedly ask her if she did it.

    time will tell,meanwhile i'lll work on kids still hard. i'll get myself in position with difficult child to decide what school will be next, maybe figure out how i can make some money from home without husband we'll tank. than we'll c i'll set a time limit to the therapy. if there isnt' any improvement than tha'Tourette's Syndrome that. truly. we only get one life and i cant' spend it stressing and worrying over this stupid junk. i love him, yet love isnt' necessarily enough all the time.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well unless they have a really good friendship outside of the divorce, I would find it odd that he is just talking to her all the time as a pal. Now I know some folks who do remain good friends after their divorces. They just werent meant to be married. Friends yes, married no. If my ex wasnt such an idiot, I could actually be in that position with him but he is scared to death of I would be fine with talking to him but he is one who believes ex's shouldnt even breathe the same air. Or type in the same text box. And this was over 20 years later. Weird if you ask me.

    But I also would find it unusual for an ex to start talking junk about me on FB. I wouldnt be happy about that.
  20. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Let him go to counselling. You too (your own counsellor). Stop snooping if it's going to upset you. on the other hand, if you really HAVE to know, snoop but don't say anything. You had to know - what more should there be? If you snoop and chuck a tanty, it only drives his lying deeper underground.

    When you started up with him you knew what he was like. You knew he came with baggage. When someone makes a baby, there is a bond between you that you're stuck with for the life of that child. YOU know that - psycho exH is a classic example.

    You have to decide what you want to do, but whatever standard you want to hold other people to - you have to match it yourself.

    And all of you who say that every marriage has lies - no, not necessarily. It can be done. When I spend money, husband gets to see all the receipts. When I post here, husband reads it all. That's why he joined. It actually helps us to be open with one another to this extent.

    As for husband talking about private stuff to other people - I've had that problem with husband, he would tell his parents everything. Especially his mother. She is a skilful interrogator, but also a worrier. Some choices we were making, we knew they would not like. But the habits of a lifetime (telling his parents everything and asking advice) were very hard to break. Some of our choices were very personal private ones and frankly, should not have been their issue. It has taken years of trying really hards, for husband to learn how to lie to his mother. Or at least, how to not tell her everything including what she really shouldn't want to know.

    If your husband is vulnerable, if he is able to be manipulated, and if his ex is as vindictive and possessive as you say, then he will not be able to resist her. When he texted, "CPS is here", she may have already made it clear to him that she knew they had been called. After all, they first arrived months ago, didn't they? And I think you suspected she might have been the one who called them (in which case, she would know).

    I do understand husband when he says he was trying to draw her out, find out if she was the one who dobbed you in. But he is playing with fire - she is too smart for that. He needs to stop trying to be clever, it is embarrassing when A guy does this and just is totally outclassed.

    You need to handle these issues in a mature way. Star is right. While you have a right to be upset, so does he. Also, while you get upset like that, he is LESS likely to be truthful in the future. Look what happened last time you found out the truth... he will be thinking. He is just too simple to do this to him.

    You need to be the hero here, set an example of how to behave. The example is for husband, it is for the girls. Recognise that his ex will know the intimate details of your home and your husband should not be held on too tight a rein - she will find out in other ways and make his life a misery. While you ever come close to behaving like her, he will feel trapped in a vice. Make your love for him a refuge form the problems she caused for him, and you will have him far more as an ally, and him far less in her pocket.

    Do not hold him to standards he cannot maintain. You have to decide if you can live with the lower standard.

    Talk to a counsellor about this.

    Also - I have not delayed in responding, this is the first I saw this thread. I do respond, if I am going to respond, as soon as I see it. I do not get guilted into response, ever. it is more likely to have me backing away and not touching an issue, if I feel pressured. A lot of people will react this way, so guard yourself and the way you relate to people. This goes for everybody you deal with - your life has been so stressful lately, you are falling into bad habits of interaction which are setting up negative feedback loops in your life. Stop, step back, breathe, see what you are doing. You can only change your own behaviour, not someone else's. How you choose to handle things now, will determine how he behaves later on. Partly.