husband listed

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Kjs, Jul 13, 2007.

  1. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    difficult child had a baseball game last night. Has to be there an our before the game. husband takes him and I meet them for the game.
    Well, when I got there, husband came up to me and said he doesn'tthink he can stay and even watch. He was so mad.
    During batting practice difficult child just walked away and trew his bat down. He didn't like the way the coach was pitching to him so he LEFT. It is practice...This coach isn't a pitcher, but he volunteers his time and pitches to the kids for batting practice. difficult child just complains all the while, loudly ofcourse. husband was fuming. Then difficult child came over to him to ask for his water. husband can't believe that difficult child thought nothing was wrong.

    I told husband (who is in denial regarding difficult child) that IS what kids with ODD do! He still said no, this isn't a disorder doing that. He was just being ...a brat. Well, I told him that is exactly what ODD does to him. husband sat quietly, watched the game and told him after that he is never to do something like that again. Most of the time difficult child targets me and is so nice to husband.

    Have a baseball game early tomorrow.

    I finished staining and waterproofing the deck. Took two days.
    We have a very large two level deck. One whole entire side is all spindles. Those are a pain to do.

    I have a horrible headache for two days. I am going to get some ice and lay down. Have to read more of your posts tomorrow.
     
  2. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    I'm very glad that husband finally saw what you see all the time!!

    Hope your headache feels better...
     
  3. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Hoping the headache improves ... but it seems husband is finally seeing the truth. And even if he doesn't still 'get it ' at least husband followed through and spoke to difficult child about it, so it's not as if he's condoning bad behaviour. I would thank husband for his support over difficult child's bad behaviour and for at least getting him to the game.

    Let's play Devil's Advocate here - let's assume husband is right. If he IS right, then difficult child clearly needs the strength of his father figure around a lot more. difficult child is far more polite to husband than to you, so asking husband to be a lot more present for a while to deal with difficult child's verbal attacks on you would subsequently make it easier for what YOU say to difficult child, to stick. It's NOT easy, it's not pleasant, but it's what a caring parent does, to stick around a bit more, make a few sacrifices in terms of personal time and personal space, to get their kid back on the tracks if they seem to be getting off them a bit. A bit of time from husband now is going to bear a lot of fruit later on with difficult child.

    And if YOU'RE right - same tactic, same result (hopefully). With the added likelihood that husband will finally realise that there is something a lot more going on - because it's easier, eventually, to accept that there is a treatable disorder, than an undisciplined brat.

    So at least verbally, let husband think what he wants, as long as he is doing what you want. You will have to wait until husband comes to you with, "Surely there is more to his behaviour, I've tried to teach him to behave and he's still mouthing off."
    The more you keep loudly insisting there is a disorder, the more husband will deny it. But if you play dumb for a while, it will be easier for husband to come to you and say, "It's about time we got difficult child tested, I'm sure there is something wrong."
    You then say, "Funny you should say that. I've been concerned too plus I could see you were also getting concerned - and I have made an appointment with Dr Z, for his opinion."
    Of course, Dr Z is who difficult child has been seeing all the time.
    Don't lie to husband - just let him think that HE is in charge.

    My mother was the matriarch of the family. She was the one who really ran things. But she did it most successfully when Dad THOUGHT he was the one making the decisions.

    Your ultimate goal - to get difficult child helped. Who cares who got things happening? OK, we do, and WE know the truth, and YOU know the truth, but if letting husband think it's his plan gets the job done, then do it that way.

    Maybe it's because I've got a difficult child husband, or maybe it's because I watched my mother at work - plus I've seen some disasters in how some marriages don't work because of the clash of egos involved, but I've found if I use Ross Greene's methods with the adults around me as well, I do a lot better. It also works when dealing with recalcitrant bureaucracies!

    Marg
     
  4. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I like what Marg has to say. If you let husband 'unbratify' (LOL - just made that one up!) your difficult child then he will eventually see just how difficult it is to discipline a difficult child. A lot of women refuse to allow their DHs to discipline because the think they are to hard on the kids. I disagree. If a child does not get both the father and mother ways of parenting it is a disservice to the child and will cause problems later in life. in my humble opinion.

    So, tell him you want his help to get difficult child more in line.
     
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Well.......yay that husband is finally seeing the difficult child side of your son.
    :thumbsup:
    My guess is that it hit home so dramatically with husband this time because difficult child embarrassed him in front of other dads. I would not be too anxious to convince husband of him being "ODD" at this point, but rather just let him take this new revelation all in, and figure out how to define it himself. It needs to be husband's revelation, and so that he can properly own it, and then properly figure out how to discipline and manage difficult child.

    Hope your head feels better........
     
  6. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I had to laugh when I read about the baseball game! We went through that fiasco last summer. Both boys, one in tball and one in coach pitch. husband went to exactly 1 game and no practices. difficult child 1 had trouble at the game and husband had the tantrum!!! lol

    Meanwhile, tball coach stopped showing up, none of the other moms would step in to handle the games, so I'm coaching tball, running between fields that are a 1/4 mile apart with a 4year old daughter who didn't want to listen. In the meantime, he's home in the air conditioning.

    The best part: if you think about it, baseball was probably one of the dumbest thing that I could have chosen for mr. odd/adhd. Wait in the outfield for a ball that's never going to get out of the infield, wait in the duggout for your turn to bat, wait in the batters box for the coach to actually get one over the plate, wait, wait, wait!

    By the time a game was over, it looked like sheep had eaten the entire left field and thrown it in difficult child 1's hair!!!

    Thanks for reminding me of some of the funnier times (albeit, not while it was happening!) in our long strange trip though life!!!

    :rofl:


    Beth
     
  7. Kjs

    Kjs Guest

    Today difficult child had another rough game. He wants to win. Very competetive. If the other team scores a run he starts flipping out. Calling kids on his own team names. Today the team was 2 kids short. So they kind of had to juggle the players. New catcher, troube catching. difficult child yells at him. husband was so mad at that time he stood up and said "can you do better?" difficult child replies "I'm not a catcher" husband "then shut your mouth" It went on the whole game. They lost. I knew they would lose their ast three, they are the top three teams. They are all one game apart. difficult child just cannot handle losing. He did well all year until they started to lose. So far they lost three games. One more on Monday. Then comes the playoff's. Then First week of August is Fall Ball for the 12 year olds. August through October. He wants to play. Well, nobody is going to want him. Since this new attitude he's taken on, he isn't playing nearly as well as he has.
     
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