husband shoved difficult child 1

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Liahona, Jun 9, 2013.

  1. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    I'm sitting here trying to calmly get Buster and difficult children 2 & 3 asleep while I'm fuming. It is hot here and it's bedtime. Everyone is miserable. The swamp cooler isn't hooked up to the water so its just the fan. I ask difficult child 1 to go pour water on the swamp cooler. He does. I'm happy with him, and I tell husband in a "look how great difficult child 1" is way. difficult child 1 is still out there playing with the squirt gun he used to do the job. husband rushes outside saying that he needs to go check what difficult child 1 has done because he might burn out the motor. A few min later I hear difficult child 1 crying hard. He comes in the house, face all red, sobbing that husband had pushed him with both hands hard enough that he flipped over. That husband had hurt him. I send difficult child 1 to his room to calm down and go talk to husband. husband is hooking up the water to the swamp cooler. He says that difficult child 1 was getting in the way and messing with the hoses. husband says he just moved him and didn't push him hard. husband does admit to using two hands to push him. I try to get husband to apologize to difficult child 1. After many justifications of himself and I'm still not letting the issue go husband says he'll think about it. I go inside and get everyone for prayers. difficult child 1 is acting over the top scared of husband. husband says for him to stop being a cowared demands difficult child 1 come right up to him and yells for difficult child 1 to walk around the house with some pride and dignity. Now he is yelling everything he says to anybody.

    When I'm putting difficult child 3 to bed I ask him what he saw because he and difficult child 2 were watching through a window. He told me that difficult child 1 turned on the water and then husband punched him.

    In order to get husband to even grudingly apologize I'll have to threaten divorce. I'm not sure what to do. I think my marriage is in trouble.
  2. TeDo

    TeDo CD Hall of Fame

    Poor difficult child 1. To be punished like that for doing the right thing. Let him "over-act" the scared of husband part. husband really is clueless isn't her. I really feel for you. Do you think threatening divorce will do a darn bit of good? If he is as Aspie as you say he is, he's going to see it as a punishment for not doing anything wrong. You're not going to get him to change his whole thought process.

    Good luck. You really are in a pickle aren't you.
  3. Giselle

    Giselle New Member

    Oh my, no advice, but sorry you're going through this.

    Remember that no matter what the outcome, everyone will survive. I was shoved and hit as a child, and I'm still here. Somehow it will work out, even though it's hard now.
  4. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Good lord! Liahona I am sorry, I have been there in the last few months with hubs he has said several things that I required him to apologize to the children for. It is always a very low point and it makes me always feel like I should get divorced or leave right away, I have no idea what I would do if he put his hands on one of them, he looked like he might the day he had the break down and I jumped him which caused this whole mess that has followed. He went to the psychiatric hospital from there. Thankfully we have been through a very long road from there.

    You have my prayers and my good wishes for strength.
    Is this normal behavior from husband? Not so much the shoving but the mean behavior? Was it accompanied by shouting? Is he often aggressive with difficult child 1? Even if difficult child 1 was not hurt he had every reason to be upset.
  5. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry!
    husband was definitely out of line. Please sit down and talk to difficult child 1 and ask him to forgive husband (especially since you mentioned prayers, maybe you can work it in that way, privately).
    husband needs therapy, either alone or with-family. He doesn't understand what's going on with-difficult child and doesn't want to accept it, from what I can see.
    If you threaten divorce, be prepared to back it up. It sounds like even if the kids totally disappeared off the planet, husband would still have a streak.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Active Member

    I'm sorry this happened. Have you spoken to difficult child about it since it happened?
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I see your hub has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified. So hub is special needs too.

    He needs to get into treatment for his Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified and his temper if he is prone to acting out this way with the kids physically.

    I'd be livid.

    It's not really any of my business, but your life, and the life of your sweet kids, would probably be a lot easier if you didn't have any more children with him. (((Hugs)))
  8. Californiablonde

    Californiablonde Well-Known Member

    I don't really have any advice just empathy. My kids' dad and I had very different parenting styles when we were together. He did a lot of yelling, shaming, and spanking at inappropriate moments. Now that I've been a single parent for the last seven years I find it easier to displine my kids. Yes it's hard on my own but better than the chaos and fighting from before we split up. I hope you can get things resolved soon. Poor difficult child. (((Hugs)))
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    For me this would be a deal breaker. One of the very very few issues that I would flat out walk out over, regardless of if we had to live in the car. Though I woudl kick my husband out and nto walk away with all the kids. My husband isn't the type to react that way because that is one thng I had to have after lifewith my bro.

    Call a DV hotline and get set up for help. Your husband DOES have special needs and DOES need help. DV has programs designed to teach men how to NOT react like this and to NOT treat people this way. Tell husband that he either goes and participates fully or he leaves and leaves the money wth you. Judges do NOT like men who hit kids, esp when they KNOW that a child has been abused before even if it cannot be 100% proven. You husband will lose BIG in a divorce, because aspies do NOT do well in court. I have seen it first hand. The DV people can set you up with therapy, group and indiv, sp needs help for husband (may take a while, but usually when they see he isn't 'getting it', they will do mroe to help), and they will provide the help that you and the kids esp difficult child 1 need.

    Whether husband agrees or not, everyone has to give now and then. This NEEDS to be a deal breaker. Tell him he can go to get help, or you can call CPS and report him. what he did is a FELONY in some states and that is NOT something that is going to be fun for him.

    difficult child 1's reaction is due to his past abuse plus his own special needs. husband's reaction is WRONG and if you let this go it will get vastly worse. VASTLY.

    You do NOT want to send difficult child 1 the message that it is okay for husband to abuse him. That message, after hsi father's abuse, will destroy him. It could ruin the rest of his life. As his mom, it is YOUR JOB to stop this. If you cannot find the strength to call a DV hotline for help, PM the info to me and I will do it for you. Or go to a pay phone and put a call to CPS that husband ushed/punched your difficult child 1 for no reason and the other 2 kids saw it. MANY states will add charges for having the other kids see the violence. That is abuse of them because it shows them that abuse is normal/okay, which is wrong and abusive to them.

    We each get a few moments when our actions will dramatically change the rest of our lives, and those of our kids. This is yours and your kids, esp difficult child 1's. If you condone this, act like it didn't happen, sweep it under the rug, allow husband to not have to change or lose you, allow husband to treat difficult child 1 like this, the rest of difficult child 1's life will change for the worst. husband's behavior will become more violent and abusive each time he is annoyed/upset/irritated/unecstatic. difficult child 1 will believe it is what he deserves and he will seek out abuse and escape for years to come, the other kids will think it is okay to treat difficult child 1 like that, and you will feel trapped, helpless and terrified for a long long time.

    How do I know? My dad is aspie and was abusive to my older bro for a period of time. with zero support from her parents, knowing her mother in law would take her husband and her kids into her home no questions, my mom told my dad it was get help or get out. It was the 70's and people did NOT see tdocs for any reason. Not where we lived. they saw a therapist who was an hour away so no one would know. I was told they were taking a class. At one point I was told it wass a gun safety class. My mom could not support us. If dad left, we would have been in a major hurt. He HATED the entire process of seeing the therapist. But he changed, he stopped being physically violent with my brother, learned to handle his koi and not take it out on us.

    I do NOT know what will happen if you confront your husband. I DO know if you don't it iwll harm you, your difficult child 1, your husband, and ALL of the other kids if you don't. difficult child 1 needs help, and so do the rest of you ESP husband. It doesn't matter if he hates it. If he pretends to ignore the therapist/group/etc.... My dad did. But he changed anyway, even though he didn't want to. And about 2 yrs later his mom told him that if he drove away the best thing that happened to him, she was going to take in my mom and us kids, NOT him and us kids. SHe saw how much things were improving and learned that she could say that and he would listen and not hate her.

    I hoep you can do what you need to. Regardless of if husband likes it or not, he needs help. He needs a clear mesage that you do NOT treat a child that way. No. Matter. What. (after all, how would he feel if your ex did that to difficult child 1? Or one of the other kids?))
  10. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Thanks for the strong showing of support. I was so mad last night I actually forgot therapy and change was an option. There is a shortage of tdocs here who work with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) adults. Lots for kids, but not adults. We might be driving a ways. You are right though, it has to happen. He has to learn how to interact with them.
  11. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Because Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids are involved in this picture, one of the kid-Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD)-tdocs might consider working with the whole family...
  12. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    Thanks, I'll ask them. Don't know where my mind has gone on this issue. I'm not thinking of really obvious things.
  13. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    You are in shock. PTSD has likely taken over and you are NOT thinking clearly. That is one reason you posted. It is VERY important to understand what you are going through. Having your husband hurt your child likely brought up the very bad times with X in your mind and psyche, and you must do whatever YOU need in addition to the other stuff.

    Take care of yourself, please. If you don't, you cannot take care of anyone else.