husband update

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by crazymama30, Aug 2, 2011.

  1. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Thought I would give an update.

    Mom did file theft charges for the rings, I don't blame her and am glad she did. The police picked husband up last night and took him to jail on felony theft charges. They must have let him use his phone before they locked him up, as he texted me at 11:30 pm and told me he was in jail and has court at 1:30 pm. Don't know why he thinks I need to know when he has court, I am not going nor will I bail him out.

    He is up a creek. Don't know if anyone remembers, but last November he had theft charges from walmart while on a bad medication combo, but now I wonder about that, and if he had any new convictions in a certain time frame or did not remain compliant with his psychiatric treatment the charges would be enforced for that theft. It was a way for them to acknowledge his mental health issues, a version of our mental health court. So now he will have the charges from mom and the charges from wal mart. I don't know anyone who will have the money and be willing to bail him out, so he will be there for awhile. Today will just be a reading of the charges, and I don't know if they will keep him or let him go. It just depends on the judge. If it is the one he had last time? She will do everything in her power to keep him.

    So I might have some time to get the custody stuff dealt with.

    I am not telling the kids untill later. I want to be sure he is not released today, and want easy child to get through her dog show and enjoy it.

    I am not angry, am sad and numb. I am sad that the person he was is gone forever, and the person he has become has caused so much grief and pain to those who did all they could to help him, including my mom. My hope is that he will straighten himself out and have a good relationship with the kids, but right now? I don't think that is very likely. He has become everything he used to hate, could not stand people who did drugs, lied and stole. We had friends who took this path and he would get so angry, and now he has done the same.

    I still feel stupid for thinking that he was ever going to change, for thinking there was hope when there was none. I realize the writing was on the wall, but I did not want to read it. This is just too much, too horrible, and it all feels like a bad dream.

    I am in counseling, have been for awhile and will see my therapist on Thursday and difficult child sees his Thursday also. easy child? Has been through 2 counselors and says they do not help. Maybe I will be able to convince her to see another one, but I really doubt it. I think she needs it as badly as any of us, but I can only do so much. Most of the counselors around here won't see a kid unless they are willing, except maybe in extreme circumstances, so I don't know that I can make her go. There is a new one at the place I go and my therapist really likes her, maybe I will check her out and see if easy child might like her. I think the problem is that the kid tdocs are tailored to younger kids, and easy child picks up on that and does not like it. They get too used to working with younger kids, and it changes their approach? Not sure, just reaching for straws here.

    So more and more drama, but we are on our way to a less drama filled life. it will be a long hard road, but in the end it will be worth it.
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Well, I for one is am glad he's in jail. At least he's safe. And don't beat yourself up.... I think any one of us would have worked for a different outcome were it our family. Unfortunately, addiction is often too strong. As for easy child, I would call around to find an Al Alon or other group geared toward family of drug abusers, see if you can find a teen group. She needs to know she's not alone in this and it's not her burden to carry (I know this because my mother was an alcoholic).
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Boy do I know what you're going's amazing how they "become those that they hate". Let me know if you need to talk (you can pm whenever you want...I'm still traveling this road and can truly sympathize!). Let me tell you, even at the lowest point of all of this, you know in your heart that you're taking appropriate steps that will benefit everyone in the end.

    Many gentle hugs - you know in your heart that all of us are here for you.:sorrysmiley:

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs to you. Just keeps on hitting. I know this feels strong now but you will have moments of sadness and thats okay too. Good on the therapy for you and difficult child. Alateen may be a good idea for easy child. I believe they have some good groups in some places. If nothing else, maybe they have a good group online.
  5. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and strength.
  6. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Tm, I am glad too, but I don't know how long they will keep him due to the overcrowding. Probably depends on if they knock the charges down to misdemeanors or if they stay at felonies. NOt sure how many charges he has, I am really just trying to function and keep the kids safe and ok.

    It is easier knowing he is stuck where he is.

    With easy child? I don't know if she would consider an Alateen group. I tried them as a teen, and hated them. The ones here were awful. Everyone was made to go by their parents and they all sat around and never said a word. I think I will check with my therapist and see if she can sit in with us, and maybe that would help. Or maybe she could sit in on a session with Cody and his therapist, or me and his therapist. something. I will talk to my therapist and Cody's therapist and see where I get.
  7. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Maybe easy child is ready to talk to a counselor that works with adults...she's been through a lot (as have you all) and had to grow up a little quicker than most kids her age. It might be a good idea to tell her that you're looking into a therapist that works with adults. It might get her to be more willing to go since she'll feel it's an acknowledgement of her maturity. Try running past your therapist to see if this might not be a good idea and if she could recommend someone that would fit the bill.

    Just a thought!

  8. keista

    keista New Member

    Don't. You were a loving supportive wife hoping and working towards an end result that you believed your husband wanted as well. Unfortunately he couldn't do it, so it's time to call it quits. Eventually you will 'wake up' and the bad dream will be in the past.
    Regarding telling the kids. Is it possible for you to 'hijack' your difficult child's appointment this week and turn it into a family session or schedule a separate appointment, and use that time to tell the kids? Just occurred to me that a separate appointment would be better so difficult child doesn't end up equating his sessions with this traumatic news. Do they already know that you are divorcing as well?
  9. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I'm also one who is glad he's sitting in jail. One he's safe, two it's high time he face some consequences for his behavior. I hope no one bails him out. I hope they hold him for quite a long time. It gives you time to get your thoughts and emotions under control without him harassing you to death.

    Be prepared for him to play the sympathy card, for threats of suicide, what have you. Odds are he's going to pull out all the stuff that has worked before to wear you down, including guilt trips over spending time with the kids. He's quite the manipulator, but then addicts learn that behavior fast. If you prepare for it, you'll be better able to handle it if he tries it.

    The kids should not be around him unsupervised (at the very least) until he has been clean and sober for a long period of time proven by consistent drug testing. I can't stress this enough. They don't need to be exposed to him either High or strung out. Not fair to them, and can even be dangerous to them mentally and emotionally.

    I died a little inside when I found out bff reeled in her teen nephews into using, then her 12 yr old son, both to justify the behavior and to have someone to share the cost and needles with. omg And at this point, heaven only knows if she did the same with her 8 yr old. The bff I knew before the heroine took over would have died first.

    Thinking of you and praying for you and the whole family. You didn't fail, he did.

  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive thoughts and hugs your way. DDD
  11. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Maybe this is the slap in the jaw that he needs to get off the drugs. If the condition on his release is that he goes to a drug rehab program. I know it's not the end all for some, but this is what helped my sister get off the drugs.
  12. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I'm glad you are getting some time with him locked up to be able to look at the custody issue. None of this is your fault and you haven't handled this any other way than the rest of us would have. No one wants to see their marriage fall apart. You gave it your all and then some, but enough's enough and you have the sense to see that and do what's best for your family and yourself. You are truly a warrior.

    I would vote for taking easy child to an adult therapist. She's old enough. It may take time to find one she's comfortable with - and that's o.k. because that's a very important aspect of therapy. Don't give up becaause the first two or three didn't click. She will really benefit from the support, in my humble opinion. Perhaps the school district has some suggestions.

  13. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    Hound I know he will play the sympathy cards and the suicide game. And quite frankly? I wish he would do it and quit messing around. Would make my life so much easier. He has threatened the suicide **** in the past few months, and I have been telling him to either do it or shut up.
  14. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I'd make sure to tell him to do it outside because you don't want to have to clean up the mess.
  15. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    He won't do it here, so I don't care about the mess! His problem, not mine!