husband vent....

TeDo

CD Hall of Fame
Contact a Domestic Violence shelter or agency TODAY. There are sooooooo many things they can get for you and help you with. Get those divorce papers filed and get a TRO soon using his behavior but especially this last "visit" as evidence for one. A DV center can help you with that too. You'd be crazy not to get help from them.

In our state, our utility bills are only in the name of the head of the household. Not sure if that's the case there but I would be careful with that.

If you're parents are that supportive, ask them to help with the phone AND changing the locks ASAP. The others are right. He will go into HIS house anytime HE wants to "and there's nothing YOU can do about it" (can you hear him saying this?)

I am glad you're enjoying your new life and your new freedom. Yes, there are other stresses but you are handling them beautifully. The kids will learn a HUGE lesson by watching you go through this.
 

paperplate

New Member
Thanks everyone. My mother brought me money for a phone. Bless that woman. She just keeps saying "STICK TO YOUR GUNS!". And I am. I have no doubts. I'm a little nervous about when it sinks in for him. Hopefully he'll just leave us alone. But I'm no idiot. I know his temper. My parents have been coming by daily, helping out, bringing money, hugs and taking the kids for little day trips or sleepovers, so I can do what I need to do. As I said, I don't want them to see the hard part. In our neighborhood certain things stand out. It's mainly middle to upper class kids and they JUDGE EVERYTHING! From shoes, to hair to socks etc....I just don't want my kids getting picked on because mom had to get food stamps. However, I know for a fact that we have a couple families in the neighborhood dealing with foreclosure and loss of income, so the adults GET IT, but kids are ARGH....so cruel at this age!!! But I think if I can just keep up the momentum, we'll do fine. My oldest daughter (20) is doing her internship at out local vet. She's studying bio-chem for animal medicine, she may be able to find out where there is a job opening by asking around. I used to work in pet care, so there's a chance a job may be around the corner. The only annoying part is this: How come when I watched the kids all day without pay while husband worked, it was called LAZY, but when I go to work, I will be paying through the rear for daycare...because a daycare employee is considered to be employed and therefore WORKING. Explain that to me?!!?!!?!?! And once I start working, it'll be daycare, then school, then daycare, then pick up. But for husband, he left whenever he felt like it with no care in the world, worked 4 days a week, partied the other 3 and I'M the LAZY ONE??? Sorry, it's just since he's been gone I've been digging up everything as a way to remember why he NEEDS TO STAY GONE and I guess I just need to see it all in writing. I can't believe I put up with that for 16 years...what was I thinking?????? I was just so caught up in it, couldn't think for myself anymore and somewhere along the way I got lost. Did I mention how peaceful everything is this morning? I LOVE THAT!
 

HaoZi

CD Hall of Fame
The DV shelter or even child services can help you find subsidized daycare or ways to help pay for the care you get now if it's available. Go to every agency in your area and ask for help, even if it seems out of their area of expertise - doesn't mean it is or doesn't mean they can't point you in the right direction. Don't forget places like United Way (around here they do things like rent help, utilities help, food bank referrals, etc) and maybe even Red Cross can point you towards other local agencies.
 

buddy

New Member
Oh my sweetie! You also probably could not really face it when you had to just survive! Did he ever physically hurt you? He doesn't sound like a guy who stops at verbals if things dont go his way. You dont need to answer (heck many of us here live in situations where we are hurt by others for many reasons, it is not shameful, okay?) just was thinking that if your kids saw that, it will be another reason to make sure you get in contact with people who really understand the dynamics of domestic abuse.

I am scared for you, the fact that HE left is a plus but still, as you say....he may be thinking he is just going to intimidate you into doing as he says then move back. Your taking him up on the offer to be GONE is maybe not truly what he expects. If he is on the spectrum along with his mental health issues, he is going to flip when his plan does not go as he thought it would. That is common even for people like him off the spectrum, (from your description he sounds even more rigid).

My aunt (who is nearly my age so more of a sister) lived with a similar situation. He would follow her from room to room and even the light switches had to be pointing a certain way (you know how if you turn one on in one part of the house and then walk and turn the next one to get it off....he had an off side and an on side, uggg....shoes in a special spot, cleaning just so, and he would have special dinners with HIS family and her oldest---his step son who lived there full time---had to go in the basement to his room to leave them all alone) my aunt is sooooo much better without him. She is now going for her MBA! His kids do go to him but only a few days here and there and they do ok. They are older so it was not as much a worry because they could take him down easily.

I think it would be good to have your cell on you at all times. Make sure there is a 911 emergency dialer when the phone is locked so you can do a one touch button. Put all the settings on silent (silent touch tone, etc) so if you have to sneak and call you can.

Call the 911 operator and see if you can register your cell number to your address (make sure the gps settings are to allow 911 to find the phone too).

I did all of this even with my son because if he ever goes into a true rage where I can't control it I have my phone on me and can just reach in my picket and hit that button.

I hope you can get all the utilities etc. straightened out. We have cold weather rules here so if you have that, (are you in a cold place?) you may be able to ask for that protection then even if he doesn't pay they wont cut you off till you get things straightened out.

I also agree that from now on he needs to meet you in public. If he comes to your home, maybe have it prearranged that your neighbors know each time and if he shows up suddenly, have your neighbor on auto dial so you can clue them in.

I love that they know about you. I had wonderfully supportive neighbors too who loved Q and helped me when he went off, they helped him too. It sure made a big difference.

You probably have thought of all of these things and I am sure there are people who have many more ideas. It would be ideal if you could have a security system, even if it is one of those beepers from the hardware store, HE wont know it isn't attached to 911.

Do your kids know not to go off with him without your telling them? Maybe do the code word idea. Each time there is truly an arranged visit, if he were to drive by or go to school to pick them up, they have to use the code word to prove that it is planned. Tell dad it is just a safety thing you have taught them for stranger danger or whatever.....but if he doesn't know the word from you then it is suspect that he is just coming to get them out of the blue to do whatever.

Chances are he will just get mad but one never knows. Only you know what level of danger he has shown in the past and this could be the straw as they say.

Please keep in touch here, I sure do care and really want the best for you and your children.

Blessings, Dee
 

paperplate

New Member
Thanks buddy. I sent an email to an attorney, hoping to get a response. My nerves are shot. Hey at least now I have an insanely loud dog! LOL My dad just came over to check up. Brought some stuff dd11 needs for her school camping trip. Felt bad about him driving out here, there's like 2 feet of snow on the ground BUT I has sooooo much fun trying out the snow blower (husband always did the driveway), it WAS spotless an hour ago, but the snow keeps coming. On the bright side, it's Saturday, husband drives a tiny little sports car that can't possibly go anywhere right now and he's probably getting fully loaded since it's the weekend. So for now, I don't have to deal with him. If I'm really lucky, this blizzard will last a few more days ;)
 

susiestar

Roll With It
Paper, as you are working through and writing things down, make time to call the DV hotline. It is 24/7 and you NEED them. Many of us have said this, and you have acknowledged that h was abusive, but you don't seem to be connecting his abuse of the family with you needed to make that call. That call isn't just to whine or get sympathy. It is one of few places that will be able to really help you with every aspect of this, so that you and the kids do not suffer needlessly or get hurt badly when h realizes he has lost control totally. He is going to flip and he also sounds like the type to really hurt you, the kids esp DS13 (who he blames for his loss of control over you, and who he could really hurt, not just emotionally). There iis zero chance anyone can calm him when he realizes it. Zero.

Stop what you are doing and make the call. go up to the bathroom and lock yourself in if you have to. husband is likely to realize very soon that he no longer controls all of you, and the threat of that is enormous. Make the call NOW, please. Do it to keep your kids safe. As your h seems to resent your oldest, it is quite possible that h could truly hurt your son, or worse. All in the name of stopping and solving his problems and/or bringing you and your younger children under his control again.

It is highly unlikely that the neighbor kids will realize you are getting SNAP benefits. You do not have to separate food from non-food items at most stores. The computer does that very easily. You just swipe the SNAP card first and then pay for the rest with cash or a debit/credit card. it is not easy to detect because most kids don't pay that much attention to how some other mom is paying for things.

Please, make the call now. The national DV hotline can help and will refer you to help in your community: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

They will also make sure you have a lawyer who is familiar with DV issues, not just someone you picked from a phone book or wherever.
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
Paperplate, I agree with what all the others have said.

1) Contact a DV shelter as soon as you can. They have advice and resources that can help you, ESPECIALLY as all of your household financial items are in your husband's name only. They will likely have ways to work with the utility companies etc. to get things transferred into your name. Leaving things as they are leaves you vulnerable -- your husband could arrange to have the power shut off, etc. and you won't have any recourse. It's one more area where you need to take back control.

2) Stick to your guns. You're doing the right thing, keep on keeping on.

3) See if you can arrange supervised visits for your children at a public place. The tdocs, DV shelter etc. can help you get this in place. Your children do not need to be terrorized in their own home by their father, especially when they're just starting to unwind after years of tension.

Many hugs to you.
Trinity
 

paperplate

New Member
I've already been in touch with our local DV shelter. They've given me alot of numbers and information. They also have told me that if it becomes necessary to leave the house, we can go there. Which is mainly why I'm trying to 'tie up loose ends' so to speak. I've had family here almost constantly & a patrol car drives by every hour. The problem will arise when he actually sees the finality. I've already been on the phone with the court house as far as a TPO goes. As soon as lil man goes back to school (tomorrow) and he's not with me to see me do it, I'll go and apply for one. Thank for all of your help.
 

susiestar

Roll With It
I am very proud of you. I know how hard these steps are. You are doing an amazing job wiith all of this, and once the list of steps you have to take is whittled down, you will be able to process and deal with all the pain and heartbreak that living with abuse inflicts. Your kids are not lucky to have you, they are truly blessed.
 

trinityroyal

Well-Known Member
Thanks for the update Paperplate. So glad to hear that your local DV shelter is supporting you.
And I agree with Susie. Your kids are blessed to have you.
 
Top