husband's gold bracelet and coins are missing

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TerryJ2, Mar 14, 2015.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    We wondered where difficult child was getting his money. Every time I asked him, he said, "You don't want to know. I can take care of it."
    Scared the h*ll out of me.
    Just came home a bit ago and found H's car in the driveway. I told husband to stay outside and intercept them because they like to ditch out from the back porch. But husband went inside anyway. I stood outside in the rain and saw H on the porch. "Hi. You can go out the other door so you don't get so cold." Kind of silly, but I wanted her to know that I saw her. I then walked onto the porch and she helped me carry things and was very polite. Then difficult child showed up, putting on his jacket to leave in a hurry. And a third friend came in, E, with-the rented room in another city, where everyone goes to smoke, from the direction of the laundry room.
    They all left.
    husband said when he walked in, difficult child and H were making out on the couch.
    I think she has no idea what's going on and she will drop him this weekend.
    I called him a few min ago and told him that all of dad's gold jewelry is gone. He immediately announced it to his friends in the car. I told him to get home NOW. I hung up.
    He called back and husband answered. He was even more firm--don't use that word with-me or I'll call the police right this instant. As it is, I will wait until you come home.
    That might be ... never ...
    I am shaking.
    And my heart is breaking.
     
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    difficult child blamed it on another kid. The kid has been alone in our house, for one hr, while difficult child was at the therapist.
    He also took--or difficult child gave him--my new blue charger for my phone and easy child. (I saw him in the back seat of my car but didn't say anthing; wanted difficult child to say something. Dumb idea.)
    We told difficult child that he needs to confront this kid and get the items returned by 7.30 or we call the police.
    We just really want to keep the police out of it and get the stuff back before the pawn shop gets rid of it. They have to keep it for 30 days (which they sometimes honor) before selling it and we can make the circuit.
    They are all 18 or 19.

    easy child ran a half marathon today--her first. We totally forgot to call and congratulate her. I feel so awful that she gets lost in the shuffle so often.
     
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So difficult child is taking the bus home.
    He texted me that he is sorry that someone took dad's jewelry and that he is willing to help.
    He either really did not take it...or he's a better liar than I think he is. But he is coming home to talk, and after the recent confrontations, that is a miracle in itself.
     
  4. Tentimesaround

    Tentimesaround New Member

    Oh terry I am so sorry my heart aches for you. Sending strength from Canada ❤️
     
  5. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    I'm sorry. You are getting more than your fair share right now.

    Try to remember that you can't do a thing to control other people, and let the chips fall where they may. They are making these decisions, and they will have to live with the consequences.
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Sorry, to say this about your son, but somebody else did it?

    Baloney.

    That's what they all say. And, yes, they lie well. My daughter used to say that all the time. The cigarettes weren't hers. She was holding them for "a friend." The pot wasn't hers. She was holding it for a friend, honest-to-God-hope-to-die. The booze bottles were from some boys who came over against her will and threw them down and she didn't see it. You get the picture.

    That's what they say when they are stealing, or we find drugs or bongs or alcohol bottles...wasn't them it was a friend.And we want to believe it badly. We don't even question why they are with such a person who would do it, but it's not somebody else. It is them. 99.9% everything you have found out about your son...the booze in the car and now the stolen stuff...he did them. It is hard to face as a parent. And my daughter could stare me stright in my eyes and cry and deny, deny, deny. But at the end of the day, she was the one who did it...all of it. And I don't think your son is different. I wish he were.

    They steal because they need the money for drugs and other toys. But stealing is a huge red flag for drug use.

    That's why they don't try to get jobs. They get money from us. Once we actually cut off Princess completely, she did at least get a job. One day I found a...bong?...not sure what it's called on the floor of our car, that wonderful car that got her into so much trouble (it's the car's fault, ya see). And she acted shocked and said somebody must have planted it there.

    By then, we knew. You're new to this, but you'll see the pattern. Your son is going off the rails right now. Maybe the pregnancy fueled it, but do not expect him to be responsible for a baby any time soon. I am sorry you are going through this. Brings back bad memories for me. And when they say "someone else did it" you do want to believe it at first. But I think you will find that he did it. If he denies it, ask for the person's name and pin him down and say if he doesn't give you a name, you'll have to call the cops to find out who did it. Visit pawn shops. Show them pictures of your son and ask if he was there whatever is missing. You could get it back. Look online at his accounts to see if he sold anything on Craigslist or E-bay.

    He will keep doing it until you do something about it. Don't buy the crapola.

    Hugs for the journey ahead of you. I'm so sorry you're so scared. I was too.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 14, 2015
  7. WearyMom18

    WearyMom18 Member

    I'm fairly new here but not new to this kind of behavior. Hindsight is always 20/20. When my daughter stole guns from us we threatened to call the law but should have actually done it. She said it wasn't her but we know it was (now ) we were just in denial. File a police report, make him pay the consequences for his actions and show him that you will not tolerate the abuse. Of I could go back I would have followed through on my threats! I wish you luck, I know it's hurtful and makes you angry all at the same time. Be strong.
     
  8. Shan

    Shan Member

    I agree with everything stated. They all lie from small stuff to huge stuff. Sometimes I can't comprehend the significance of the lies. For example my Easy Child dropped I class. I looked right at him and said did you drop this class? He actually had the nerve to lie to me about something so stupid. Why it makes no sense? I guess I'm trying to say if my Easy Child lies about this what else is my Easy Child lying about. They all lie. I think it's not so much the lie that gets me it the insult to my intelligence. Hang in there, go with your gut and be strong.
     
  9. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Terry,

    Thinking it was on another thread that Child said something like "We are here for you this Saturday". I want you to know that I am here for you, with all of us.

    This is not easy going. husband and I were most often on the same page, but not always. What we deal with is not "kinda/sorta difficult". It is a VERY unnerving, horrible road to navigate. No right answers clear to us, muddling through as best we know how.

    Please know that I am also here with you.

    This is what you and husband are living with and I am so sorry. For what it is worth, you are doing the best you could possibly do. This is heavy, serious.

    Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

    Hang in there. There is light at the end of the tunnel.

    I firmly (and must) believe that things always work out.

    SS
     
  10. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Oh God Terry...I'm SO sorry to hear this. We never called the police when our son stole from us. But we did insist that he tell us exactly where the items were so we could get them back. Shockingly, he really acted like he didn't KNOW where he had pawned them! We actually had to call all the pawn shops in town until we found our things since he'd lost the pawn tickets. And things that weren't pawned because they weren't worth enough? Just disappeared. :( But he DID tell us and we did get the things back.

    I know you want to believe it wasn't him. I know that feeling, that desperate need for it to not be him. I hope it wasn't. But even if it was...HE let someone untrustworthy in your home.

    If he can't tell you where the stuff is and swears that it was his friend...tell him you are calling the police. If he still doesn't budge...call them. If it wasn't him, then the police may find the stuff. If it was him...he likely will fess up and give you the pawn ticket in order to keep you from calling the police.

    I wish I could help you. I know how absolutely sick to the bottom of your soul you must be right now. When our son stole from us, I literally thought it might kill me. We forgave him...and he did it again and again until we finally had to put him out.

    You are in my prayers.
     
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    Last edited: Mar 14, 2015
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm going to take issue here. They don't all lie. I have four kids and two were Difficult Child. They lied. One of my Difficult Child, who took drugs, stopped taking drugs and no longer lies. My other kids don't even try to lie. I think it is a red flag if you get a kid who lies to you unless he/she only does it very sparingly and to get out of trouble. Usually Easy Child do confess.

    When my daughter was taking drugs, she lied about everything. And now she tells me, "Never trust a drug abuser. They lie. All.the.time." I believe her. She was there.

    Not saying YOUR Easy Child is a drug user. Just want to clarify that no, not all kids lie. And chronically lying is an issue with anybody...child or adult.
     
  12. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    A former drug user once asked me "How do you know when a drug user is lying?"
    Correct answer, he said:"Their lips are moving."

    Sadly, I would guess that the chances are very very high that your son took those items. Next in line, is that he knows who did. Only a small chance it is not one of those two things. So very sad, upsetting, disturbing and frightening. A horrible feeling. I would lean toward calling the police, but a hard and personal call.
     
  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    We will call the police ... unless difficult child shows up in 5 min. with the missing items.
    We've been down this road before.
    It breaks my heart that it's happening again.

    And all the "ifs" ... if we have him arrested ... if he goes to jail, even for one night ... if we kick him out ... if he never graduates from HS ... I can hardly breathe.

    husband went to bed. He said to only wake him if difficult child has the missing items. Even if it's just one.
    The gold coins were from husband's father. :(
    The bracelet he was going to sell anyway but it was still his, not difficult child's.

    And he pointed out that the last time this happened, difficult child was mad at me and stole from me. This time, he was on the outs with-husband, and stole from him. They have been like opposing magnets for weeks, and there's a strong feeling, literally, of tension when they are in the room together. That's what it was like when difficult child stole from me. It's like he creates a hate-field and then uses it to rationalize the thievery.
     
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    So, I got some of Cousin P's silver cleaned, and I looked up the pieces online so I can sell them. I'll be lucky if I get $20 for everything. :(
    But it gave me something to do with-my nervous energy.


    by the way, I am telling difficult child that the police will interview everyone when we call them, and they will start with-his new girlfriend, H, and go to her house. She was the driver, so she was an accomplice. If he won't give me her address, I'll wait for the police, and they can pick her up at school.
    I'm hoping that he breaks right then and there.
     
  15. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Terry my son has stolen from me and his father. He stole from our neighbors and hid what he stole in our garage. Years ago he stole from his friend's father's house. He stole prescription drugs from my sister's house. He took $500 from an employer the first day in a new job. He was arrested for that. He stole $96 in merchandise from a Walmart and was caught. These are just the situations I know about. How many more times do you think my son has stolen from other people.

    People who use drugs steal. Almost all of them. It is what they do so they can get money to keep taking drugs.

    Do what you can do and what you can live with. I have learned that I realize the tip of the Iceberg when it comes to my sons past.

    It is important to realize that an action or inaction on your part is not a deal breaker because there is likely a whole lot you don't know.

    Realizing that clears the way for you to do what you need to do. He won't like it so be prepared.

    At some point, most of us on this forum have said no more. This may be your time and it may not.

    Regardless we are here for you and we know how heartbreaking it is.
     
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  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    This is what I'm struggling with: "It is important to realize that an action or inaction on your part is not a deal breaker because there is likely a whole lot you don't know... Realizing that clears the way for you to do what you need to do. He won't like it so be prepared."
     
  17. Jabberwockey

    Jabberwockey Well-Known Member

    Terry, call the police and dont wait. The problem with gold is that with the price so high they dont pawn it, they sell it. The longer you wait to call the police the more likely it is that the items wont be recovered. And out of curiosity, what the hell is he doing leaving friends at YOUR house by themselves while he goes to counseling? That alone would have me going ballistic.

    And even if it was the friend he left alone in your house, its still his fault. He brought this person into your house. Our son tried to play the "it must have been one of my friends" crap when we discovered Lil's moms ring was gone. I read him the riot act and informed him that if he is letting his friends root through our room, its his fault. If he's falling asleep and their doing it, its his fault. If he left them there alone while he went to an appointment or whatever, its still his fault. The reason being that HE brought this person into the house and HE allowed them to go into areas that even he wasn't supposed to by either inattention or blatant stupidity.

    I may be wrong here but I think what they are trying to say is that when all is said and done, and your child has finally beat his addiction and is living what we would all call a normal life, your son will realize what an idiot he had been and how he had hurt you. He wont hold you calling the police on him against you because that is what normal people do when someone steals from them.
     
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  18. ThreeShadows

    ThreeShadows Quid me anxia?

    Terry, I'm so sorry that things have spiraled out of control so fast. Please DO call the police and hold him accountable for his actions. He needs to know that you mean what you say.
     
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  19. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Call the police now. Our Difficult Child stole gold jewelry and took it to a Cash for Gold place - they melt it down THAT DAY so there is no way to recover or trace anything.

    As for the lying - ours stole jewelry from her sick grandmother, including her and her deceased husband's wedding rings. Luckily, we found them in her purse before she could sell them. Her response was that she found them at the bus stop. And she stuck to that outrageous lie then got indignant because we didn't believe her.

    I'm sorry you're going through this nightmare.
     
  20. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Terry, I'm sorry to read this. I know what a nightmare this is for YOU.

    I just want to say that although I agree with most of the other posters that your son should be held accountable and calling the police may in fact be the appropriate thing to do........I also understand your mother's heart's reluctance. We all have to progress through this in the way in which we can live with ourselves and sleep at night........sometimes that takes us time, sometimes we don't jump right on it and do what we may know in our hearts is the "right" thing to do, sometimes we just can't make that call..........all we can do is what we can do........all we can do is our best in that moment. This is hard stuff. Whatever you do, we're always here for you.......hang in there Terry, sending hugs and warm wishes for you.......
     
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  21. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he has had money lately and you haven't given it to him and he has no job, likely he's been stealing for a long time. in my opinion the best way to stop him from REALLY getting into trouble, like, robbing a store is to hold him accountable for stealing from you. It's easier and much less serious and you can back off pressing charges after he confesses, but I'd let the police get the confession out of him. They will push him for "the friend's" name. If he can't or wont give up the friend (and I don't believe it is a friend), I'd do the same consequences as if he had done it because he allowed it and didn't tell you. This is one thing I believe with all my heart that we did right that kept my daughter from continuing her self-destruction. We let her face the police, even as a minor, and never bailed her out of trouble and didn't worry about the record when she straightened out...that, we figured, would all work out. We wanted to keep her alive. That was our primary goal. If he keeps stealing and steals from a stranger, he will have a record anyway.

    I would have pinned him to the wall when he said, "I can handle it. I get money." I was very naive about drug use, but I have a really hard time dodging reality.

    To me, his drug use and new behaviors are more critical right now than the high school diploma. He can always get a GED if he straightens out. But he won't get anywhere if he keeps spiraling the way he is. I feel so badly for you because I always cheered for your son and so badly wanted him to make it and thought he would. But this CAN be possibly just a glitch in his journey. I think it's best to admit it and nip it in the bud and pray a lot.

    Hugs!!!!
     
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