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hyperactivity and grieving
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<blockquote data-quote="Steely" data-source="post: 139409" data-attributes="member: 3301"><p>Yea..........today I am sad, mopey, oppressed feeling.............so who knows. I am not bi-polar, at least never have been - I guess I am just on a roller coaster of craziness right now. </p><p></p><p>I still can barely tolerate the reality that she is actually gone - I mean when I think of her literally being gone, it takes my breath away each and every time I remember. It is like I cannot wrap my brain around it. It is so hard because she was so far away - when I was in Oregon, in her space, it was real, present, in my face. Now that I am back in Texas, I feel like I am in an altered, limbo - where any day things will be normal again. So I go about my daily activities - and feel normal - until out of the blue I think to myself I am going to tell H. that or this - and then this big hammer socks me in the stomach with the reality. </p><p></p><p>The problem is though, is that I am really really good at being disassociative - and that worries me. I can go to work with a volcano errupting, a tornado coming through, and an earthquake shaking the earth - and still pretend that everything is perfectly fine. I have had to do that in order to survive being a single mom/provider/protector for a child of difficult children "gfgness", and before that a wife of a drug addicted abuser. So now, I am doing the same thing with H.'s death - but yet it feels somehow unnatural, weird. Like I am a robot- and I should not be.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Steely, post: 139409, member: 3301"] Yea..........today I am sad, mopey, oppressed feeling.............so who knows. I am not bi-polar, at least never have been - I guess I am just on a roller coaster of craziness right now. I still can barely tolerate the reality that she is actually gone - I mean when I think of her literally being gone, it takes my breath away each and every time I remember. It is like I cannot wrap my brain around it. It is so hard because she was so far away - when I was in Oregon, in her space, it was real, present, in my face. Now that I am back in Texas, I feel like I am in an altered, limbo - where any day things will be normal again. So I go about my daily activities - and feel normal - until out of the blue I think to myself I am going to tell H. that or this - and then this big hammer socks me in the stomach with the reality. The problem is though, is that I am really really good at being disassociative - and that worries me. I can go to work with a volcano errupting, a tornado coming through, and an earthquake shaking the earth - and still pretend that everything is perfectly fine. I have had to do that in order to survive being a single mom/provider/protector for a child of difficult children "gfgness", and before that a wife of a drug addicted abuser. So now, I am doing the same thing with H.'s death - but yet it feels somehow unnatural, weird. Like I am a robot- and I should not be. [/QUOTE]
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