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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 691013" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>Cop a...(for some reason my tablet will not let me type c o p a...changes it to cops lol) I hope you will accept some tweaking perhaps of how you answered your precious son when he told you why he was sad. This is not criticism, it is me trying to play the part of him. I could be way off base too. This is my gut feeling. Like you, I am used to being marginalized by other adults. Please understand I'm just trying to maybe be able to help you motivate your son in a way he can relate to.</p><p></p><p>Cop a (whatever my tablet calls you, apologize in advance if tablet is uncooperative) you asked your son how he felt. And miraculously he told you and told you why. This us huge. He trusts you with his thoughts and feelings. Many adult kids won't share, but he did. A few outside observations about your response.</p><p></p><p>You did not address what he told you</p><p></p><p>'S on, your unrealistic opinion of how you look is bothering you. I'm sorry. I get it. The sad thing is, you are so incredibly handsome. I wish you'd seek therapy so that you can value yourself more. It hurts me that you think this. I will help you feel better about yourself if you take this step." Or anything else that fits your own way of talking and your own solution.but address his words primarily or he may decide it's a waste of time to share with you. Don't lose this gift of his trust.</p><p></p><p>in my own response to your son, notice I did not mention your expectations or wants for him. He already knows what they are and the question was for him, about him and his sadness. I also question continuing to tell him he is mentally ill. I cringe when somebody, other than me, says I am mentally ill. There is a stigma to it in society. To me it's an insult, although it's really just say fact. I'd mention his desperate issues rather than say "mentally ill." It took me so long time not to think mental illness was not the same thing as loser. At your sons age, I still was very ashamed of it.</p><p></p><p>If you do accept he us mentally ill though, and if he partly panics, he and you need to be realistic about his expectations right now. Mental illness often gets in the way of college, dating, anything really. Just my opinion, I'd pick a smaller battle like the pot, which isn't helping him, and a job outside of what you offer him. Even fast food. Somewhere he can succeed. If he likes animals, maybe a short course to be a vet tech, which to me and probably to anyone is more dignified than food!! But there is no shame in any honest work. Especially if he is fighting mental illness. Another goal may be to make him get medical treatment for his physical illness while he lives with you. It's just a suggested, but that is attainable.</p><p></p><p> Putting him under pressure, if he is mentally ill, may just drive him away. You don't want that. I know it. But it is a big reason grown kids flee. They feel too pressured. Not saying he will do that. I don't think he will. But you want to build him up realistically. What is he really capable of doing? He may be smart, but could he truly handle college pressure? A wife and kids? His wife may not like you and tell him not to listen to you. Trust me, it's not all grandma and that all together feeling. What if he picks somebody you don't like? Who doesn't like you? It isn't uncommon. Don't wish for what you might regret...lol. Most of our kids SO do not want us to be in their lives too much. And they certainly don't appreciate advice or criticism. Sometimes I bite my tongue till it bleeds!!! </p><p></p><p></p><p>I don't believe you can push a son of your sons age to fit your dreams. I think it is best to let them lead the way and drop our dreams. This is not about us. It's about them. One baby step at a time.</p><p></p><p>I hope you do not see this as criticism. It's not. I know how much you love your son. But, as every parent learns, we can not walk the path for our grown kids, even with leverage. We have to step back and ask ourselves...what can he/she realistically do?</p><p></p><p>Cop a, none of my kids lived my dream, although I really just wanted them to be employed and a good citizen, self sufficient and happy. My kids are all very different, yet they all exceeded my goals I had for them. I let them go their own way.</p><p></p><p>I still lost Gone boy and it all started because I made a suggestion about his wedding. Yes, he us extreme, but other kids get ticked off for silly reasons too. I want so much for you and your struggling but beloved son to stay close. He loves you so. He wants you to approve of him.</p><p></p><p>I wish you the best luck always. Take what you like and leave the rest, of course. I'm honestly just trying to help...but I'm not a professional ( and don't play one on TV).</p><p></p><p>Walk tall at work. You are worth it!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 691013, member: 1550"] Cop a...(for some reason my tablet will not let me type c o p a...changes it to cops lol) I hope you will accept some tweaking perhaps of how you answered your precious son when he told you why he was sad. This is not criticism, it is me trying to play the part of him. I could be way off base too. This is my gut feeling. Like you, I am used to being marginalized by other adults. Please understand I'm just trying to maybe be able to help you motivate your son in a way he can relate to. Cop a (whatever my tablet calls you, apologize in advance if tablet is uncooperative) you asked your son how he felt. And miraculously he told you and told you why. This us huge. He trusts you with his thoughts and feelings. Many adult kids won't share, but he did. A few outside observations about your response. You did not address what he told you 'S on, your unrealistic opinion of how you look is bothering you. I'm sorry. I get it. The sad thing is, you are so incredibly handsome. I wish you'd seek therapy so that you can value yourself more. It hurts me that you think this. I will help you feel better about yourself if you take this step." Or anything else that fits your own way of talking and your own solution.but address his words primarily or he may decide it's a waste of time to share with you. Don't lose this gift of his trust. in my own response to your son, notice I did not mention your expectations or wants for him. He already knows what they are and the question was for him, about him and his sadness. I also question continuing to tell him he is mentally ill. I cringe when somebody, other than me, says I am mentally ill. There is a stigma to it in society. To me it's an insult, although it's really just say fact. I'd mention his desperate issues rather than say "mentally ill." It took me so long time not to think mental illness was not the same thing as loser. At your sons age, I still was very ashamed of it. If you do accept he us mentally ill though, and if he partly panics, he and you need to be realistic about his expectations right now. Mental illness often gets in the way of college, dating, anything really. Just my opinion, I'd pick a smaller battle like the pot, which isn't helping him, and a job outside of what you offer him. Even fast food. Somewhere he can succeed. If he likes animals, maybe a short course to be a vet tech, which to me and probably to anyone is more dignified than food!! But there is no shame in any honest work. Especially if he is fighting mental illness. Another goal may be to make him get medical treatment for his physical illness while he lives with you. It's just a suggested, but that is attainable. Putting him under pressure, if he is mentally ill, may just drive him away. You don't want that. I know it. But it is a big reason grown kids flee. They feel too pressured. Not saying he will do that. I don't think he will. But you want to build him up realistically. What is he really capable of doing? He may be smart, but could he truly handle college pressure? A wife and kids? His wife may not like you and tell him not to listen to you. Trust me, it's not all grandma and that all together feeling. What if he picks somebody you don't like? Who doesn't like you? It isn't uncommon. Don't wish for what you might regret...lol. Most of our kids SO do not want us to be in their lives too much. And they certainly don't appreciate advice or criticism. Sometimes I bite my tongue till it bleeds!!! I don't believe you can push a son of your sons age to fit your dreams. I think it is best to let them lead the way and drop our dreams. This is not about us. It's about them. One baby step at a time. I hope you do not see this as criticism. It's not. I know how much you love your son. But, as every parent learns, we can not walk the path for our grown kids, even with leverage. We have to step back and ask ourselves...what can he/she realistically do? Cop a, none of my kids lived my dream, although I really just wanted them to be employed and a good citizen, self sufficient and happy. My kids are all very different, yet they all exceeded my goals I had for them. I let them go their own way. I still lost Gone boy and it all started because I made a suggestion about his wedding. Yes, he us extreme, but other kids get ticked off for silly reasons too. I want so much for you and your struggling but beloved son to stay close. He loves you so. He wants you to approve of him. I wish you the best luck always. Take what you like and leave the rest, of course. I'm honestly just trying to help...but I'm not a professional ( and don't play one on TV). Walk tall at work. You are worth it! [/QUOTE]
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