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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 229167" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome, Dave. It's good to meet another parent who is fighting to help the child in his life.</p><p></p><p>A strong suggestion - if you can, get your wife to either post here, or lurk here. It can help enormously, in keeping both parents on the same page when it comes to what the child needs. I speak from experience - this works for me and husband.</p><p></p><p>I'd love to find out more about the book you recommend.</p><p></p><p>As for books and ODD - there is a book we recommend here, it's "The Explosive Chid" by Ross Greene. There is some good discussion on this book and adapting it to younger children, on the Early Childhood forum here. The book seems to help in finding a different (I think, easier) way to deal with the ODD-type behaviours you can get in kids. </p><p></p><p>For kids with a short fuse and a difficulty in coping with the world (too much distraction, too much frustration) then often the sort of highly controlled, micromanaging parenting which logic tells us would be right, is actually wrong and produces the very behaviours we're trying to prevent. We learned that in taking a step back, in getting to the root cause of the problem behaviour to understand it, it was easier to manage and also handed some control to the child as and when he could learn to handle it. The more control he can legitimately handle, the faster he learns to be safely independent and the calmer he feels in how he is managing his own life. He's also more inclined to let us continue to control what we need to, when he knows we let him have his head in areas we're comfortable with.</p><p></p><p>This works for us, turned around some pretty heavy ODD behaviours for us.</p><p></p><p>It's not a cure. It's management. The underlying problem is still there, but we work with it, we bend with it instead of risking breakage by trying to stand firm against it.</p><p></p><p>If a person is a visual learner, you use that to give them the best chance at learning - you provide a lot of the learning material in written form, in illustrations, in lots of notes. Step by step, everything written down. But if someone is an intuitive learner, you work with them and get them hands on, let them touch it, feel it, smell it and do it. YOu choose the method best suited to the individual's capability.</p><p></p><p>And so it should be, in how we raise our kids - we should choose the method that is best suited to their method of learning. Bout so often, we don't. We try to cram them into the same round hole that we were crammed into when we were growing up. OK, we might have fitted into the round hole after we had a few corners knocked off, but sometimes when we try to cram in other square pegs, we need to stop and NOT chisel off the corners from our kids, but instead maybe try to find a square hole of the right size, and use that instead.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, welcome. I hope you and your wife can sort out your differences, it's got to be easier parenting a child with two parents, than with one. Being a step is more difficult but there are people here who have been where you are.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 229167, member: 1991"] Welcome, Dave. It's good to meet another parent who is fighting to help the child in his life. A strong suggestion - if you can, get your wife to either post here, or lurk here. It can help enormously, in keeping both parents on the same page when it comes to what the child needs. I speak from experience - this works for me and husband. I'd love to find out more about the book you recommend. As for books and ODD - there is a book we recommend here, it's "The Explosive Chid" by Ross Greene. There is some good discussion on this book and adapting it to younger children, on the Early Childhood forum here. The book seems to help in finding a different (I think, easier) way to deal with the ODD-type behaviours you can get in kids. For kids with a short fuse and a difficulty in coping with the world (too much distraction, too much frustration) then often the sort of highly controlled, micromanaging parenting which logic tells us would be right, is actually wrong and produces the very behaviours we're trying to prevent. We learned that in taking a step back, in getting to the root cause of the problem behaviour to understand it, it was easier to manage and also handed some control to the child as and when he could learn to handle it. The more control he can legitimately handle, the faster he learns to be safely independent and the calmer he feels in how he is managing his own life. He's also more inclined to let us continue to control what we need to, when he knows we let him have his head in areas we're comfortable with. This works for us, turned around some pretty heavy ODD behaviours for us. It's not a cure. It's management. The underlying problem is still there, but we work with it, we bend with it instead of risking breakage by trying to stand firm against it. If a person is a visual learner, you use that to give them the best chance at learning - you provide a lot of the learning material in written form, in illustrations, in lots of notes. Step by step, everything written down. But if someone is an intuitive learner, you work with them and get them hands on, let them touch it, feel it, smell it and do it. YOu choose the method best suited to the individual's capability. And so it should be, in how we raise our kids - we should choose the method that is best suited to their method of learning. Bout so often, we don't. We try to cram them into the same round hole that we were crammed into when we were growing up. OK, we might have fitted into the round hole after we had a few corners knocked off, but sometimes when we try to cram in other square pegs, we need to stop and NOT chisel off the corners from our kids, but instead maybe try to find a square hole of the right size, and use that instead. Anyway, welcome. I hope you and your wife can sort out your differences, it's got to be easier parenting a child with two parents, than with one. Being a step is more difficult but there are people here who have been where you are. Marg [/QUOTE]
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