I am back--update--not real good and long

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by amstrong, Jun 29, 2007.

  1. amstrong

    amstrong New Member


    Have been MIA for a little bit. Lost my job so I am stressing about getting another one.

    difficult child began to hang with one of his "friends" that we do not care for about a week ago. Sunday night, he said he was staying over there. I do not know if he did or if they were out all night or what. At 9:00 Monday morning, I got a call from the manager of a windshield repair shop in town stating that my son had been in a car accident and ended up in his parking lot and that he was being taken via ambulance to the hospital. I called husband and he met me there-then I got a call and the guy told me that either difficult child or his passenger ("friend") complained of severe pain and they decided to take them to The medication which is the Truama Center in the nearby larger city. We raced over there. PANIC!!! When I got in to see him, they told me he had 7 stitches in his forehead and that he was so combative with them that they tied him down and heavily sedated him and put a breathing tube down his throat and hooked him to a respirator so that they could get all the tests (cat scan, x rays, etc). He looked near death to me. They said the "friend" told them they had been drinking and had taken Xanax!

    Word travels fast in our town and within 2 hours, the waiting room was full of kids who were waiting along with us. The xrays and cat scan came back with no bad results. He has a mild concussion and the stitches. The kids were all allowed to see him in the state I saw him in, complete with respirator and I think it opened some eyes.

    He has admitted to drinking, not the Xanax, he did say the "friend" takes Xanax regularly, which I had heard through the grapevine. Now, in our town they do things crazy. The accident reports says "obviously intoxicated" and that he hit a curb, over corrected sending him across the dotted line, over corrected again and jumped the curb into the parking lot of the windshield place, hit a parked car (totalled) and knocked it into the car parked next to it". Oh yeah, he REALLY pulled a boner! We have yet to hear anything from the police. He has not been charged or arrested. I have a friend who used to work for the police dept. who checked and said the officer on the scene has been off duty for the last few days and is back on today and that he will probably call today. difficult child is at work in the nearby larger city and they will not cross state line to arrest him. She says that if they call, they will ask me to have him come in after work and they will arrest him then if they are going to charge him. She says if he does not call by 5:00 today, not to worry, just to call city hall Monday to see when his court date is. His driver's license is missing and she says it is probably attached to his ticket and he won't get it back until he goes to court. So we have been waiting for the other shoe to drop. You would think, if they wanted him, thaey would come get him, no matter who is off duty!

    We have $$ in savings put aside for difficult child that he is not aware of. husband had a long talk with him and cried and told him not to ever do this again. He took him to see his totalled car, which by the way, caught fire also! difficult child, I believe, has gotten a wake up call. husband told him this was his only wake up call. He told him that he was going to purchase the old beater next door for him to drive and that ONLY because he has a job and needs it to be able to pay his fines, he will bail him out if he is arrested. He told him that he will be lien holder on the title to the car and that difficult child is to pay $100 per month car payment and will pay back the bail. He will have to obtain insurance which will cost him out the ying yang and that "friend" is outta the picture. He told him that if he is seen or suspected of being with this kid that he will repossess the car and throw him out for good. If he is late with payments there will be 15% added to the balance and if payment is missed, the car will be locked down in the garage with the club on it until caught up. He told him that if there is ever anything else that comes up that involves drugs and/or alcohol, he will be thrown out for good. This has been typed up, signed and notarized. difficult child told me that it freaked him out and touched his heart to see husband cry. Additionally, husband asked him how he would feel if the car he hit had been my car and I had been in it. His answer was that he would wanna hurt whoever did it. husband told him to think on that every time anyone offers him something he knows he should not have. He also is ready to be arrested and get things moving. He has already been honest with his boss as to what happened and asked for cooperation when it comes to court dates and/or jail time.

    His best friend (whom we love-great kid)) took a picture with his cell phone of him at the hospital and his car--he emailed it to his home computer and printed them out and brought them over last night and posted them on difficult child's bulletin board. He told difficult child that "he'd better be through with this S@#t, and leave the "friend" alone, or he was done with him"! difficult child and this kid have been like brothers over the last couple of years.

    The "friend" is just one of those good kids that is so misguided, dad has drug/alcohol issues, mom has some of the same, step mother is trying, grandmother is a loon and spoils the kid rotten. The aunt yelled at me in the hospital and called difficult child names and said she would "whip his :censored2:" if she ever saw him again. I calmly told her that my son was fine, thanks for asking and that he did not hold her nephews's hand and force him to do anything and went straight to the security desk and asked that she be kept on the other side of the waiting room.

    This ladies and gents has been my week on top of being unemployed for the last 2 weeks! Please pray that this is difficult child's wake up, grow up call! He has spent the last 3 days sore, weepy, apologetic and appears to be doing some of his own stressing.

    I am back and have missed youguys.
  2. muttmeister

    muttmeister Well-Known Member

    Welcome back. It sounds like you've really had quite an experience.
    I think your plan sounds like a good one except for one thing. In this state anyway, if you are arrested for DUI you will lose your driver's license for a minimum of six months and if that is the case all of the planning about the car is for nought. You can get a work permit but it involves paying a fee and taking and passing a class. And if difficult child doesn't have his license now, he shouldn't be driving now because if they stop him he will be in more trouble. I'd check into that before buying him anything because it may be that you will have a car he can't drive anyway.

    I hope this all works out for you. I guess the only good thing is that your difficult child plus some others may have had their eyes opened to what can happen when you are driving under the influence of whatever.

    Good luck.
  3. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    Muttmeister,we have thought of that. husband seems to think that since he will eventually get the license back, perhaps we shuold buy it and keep the keys and let him have to walk past it everyday to give him something to think on. That is still up in the air. He may see if difficult child wants to wait until he knows for sure his consequences and see if he wants to wait. Here on 1st offense, he may get by with classes, fines, probation and the work permit thingy.

    The other shoe did finally drop! Got a letter today staing a warrant issued for difficult child. He went in after work and was able to bond right out - took about 20 mins. He turned over his paycheck to husband to pay for the bail and to begin accumulating fine $$. husband is doling out spending $$ as he sees fit. Reality is beginning to set in with difficult child. Court is the 11th at which time I am sure it will be continued as he will have to ask for a court appointed attorney. At least the other shoe finally dropped and we can stop waiting in limbo.

    I thank God everyday that he wasn't killed or hurt any worse and that no one else suffered any injuries. Also am pretty thankful that in May, his car was signed over in his name and he got his own insurance. Even if he gets his license, he will have to save $$ forinsurance as it will be a booger!

    Any of you with kids who are driving, please share difficult child's experience with them as a possible detriment. I will keep you posted as we go.

  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so glad your son is ok...that was such a close call!

    Like you said, thank god no one else was hurt. Cars can be replaced but humans cant.

    I dont think my son will ever have a license. He hasnt had a wreck or a DUI but he drives without a license and insurance and has seatbelt tickets out the ying yang so he has lost his license for years! All this stemmed from failing to pay for a single seatbelt ticket about a year or so ago...dummy! Now if he ever did get his license back his insurance would be so high he could never afford it.
  5. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Hopefully ~ this scared him enough to realize that something worse could happen if he repeats the same actions.

    Blessing in disguise? I think the other kid's seeing him in the hospital will make an impact on their lives as well. Having a group of your peers to remind you of a stupid mistake usually hits home much better than an adult's preaching.

    Hope everything turns out for the best with court,

  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    dont buy a car til you see if he loses his license. he is underage and that adds to DUIs.

    I am glad he is going to be ok and sorry for your pain as you went thru this experience. seems when they do stuff like this, it rips a hole in our heart too.

    ant lost his license til he is 34-ten more yrs. I am glad.
  7. amstrong

    amstrong New Member

    difficult child has decided that he wants to wait on the car until he sees what court brings. He said if he loses it for a time, he will just save what he was gonna pay us back and get something when the license is restored and if he can get the license restricted so that he CAN use it to go to and from work, he will want the car next door and once he has paid us back for it, he will save some more so that he can get a better one.

    I think maybe God had a plan when he allowed me to be unemployed during this time. This way I am not stressing out while trying to maintain at a new job and I am on hand to get difficult child to and from work and to court.

    Court is July 11th so I will STOP dwelling on the "what ifs" and pray for guidance and enjoy my time off until then. We are having a big cookout on the 4th and are looking forward to it.

    Hope you all had a great weekend and as always, thanks for being here!

  8. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Welcome back!! I'm glad he's o.k. and I really do hope this is a wake up call. Maybe keeping those pictures posts will have an affect on him.

    Let's hope so!!!!!
  9. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Robyn, even if they don't revoke his license I'd be pretty slow to replace a vehicle. He did a very stupid thing and showed he isn't responsible enough...it sure couldn't hurt him to be inconvenienced a bit to prove a point.

    Maybe he'll have to beg rides off of friends/coworkers for awhile.

    Maybe he can ride a bike or walk to where he wants to go.

    If you take him anywhere, charge him mileage and for your time- what are the going rates these days for these services?

    Yeah, he is saying his mea culpas now but how about in a month? Six months? If he doesn't feel the pain of his mistake, how will he learn to appreciate what a privilege it is to drive, let alone have a vehicle?

    Hard-nosed Suz
  10. Jen

    Jen New Member

    I am happy that he is alright and that no one was hurt.

    I know we all look for advice and opinions but the decision has to be made by you, and what works for you. I will show my support in just listening.

    Good luck with employment.

  11. amstrong

    amstrong New Member


    I am charging him $10 weekly gas money to get him to and from work. I take him no where else, nor do I pick him up from anywhere. The only reason I get him to and from work is that it is across the state line in a not so good part of town and I wouldn't have my worst enemy walking out there at night. We do not have bus service here.

    If they don't revoke the license, he will have to have transportation once I am employed again which, keep your fingers crossed, will be soon. None of his co-workers live near here at all. He can, and does, walk to the store here close to the house on days that his hours are 1230 to 930 and catches a ride on one of the trucks that go back to his store at that time daily. But he has to get home at closing time. He has asked about transferring to the store near here and was told by his boss that:

    A. he does not want to lose him
    B. the store is brand new and currently is in the hole each month just to make payroll and they cannot take anyone else on.

    So, he will need transportation for work and he HAS to have the job in order to pay any fines he may incur and/or required classes. I am SURE not paying those.

    His best friend told me this morning when he called that difficult child told him last night that he knows he is lucky to be alive and that no one else was hurt and that he hates that he disappointed husband and me-we don't deserve it. Nice to know he feels this way. Hope he continues this sort of thinking.

    Everything is all up in the air until court right now anyhow & I am not stressing about it-it is not my issue to stress over.

    Thanks to all for listening and for input.