I am filled with rage (hurt) at my sister...update

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, Mar 9, 2007.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Uuuuuurrrrrrggggghhhhhh~

    I just found out that my sister who lives a 6 hour car drive away was in town last night visiting my other sister on her way back from another state. And she didn't even call me or ask to see me, or anything. I hardly ever get to see this sister. I call her, we all do, and she hardly ever returns calls. She has this strange thing where she feels she 'owes' a relationship with my one sister who lives nearby (who I've written about that has personality disorder and is psycho), yet ignores the sisters who truly care about her and have been there for her forever!!

    I am so hurt that she didn't even call me and give me an opportunity to stop in and see her, even for 5 minutes. There just is no excuse for this. She pulls this crap all the time with at least one of her siblings at one point or another. I just can't believe her. :crying:
     
  2. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    Maybe if she was "just passing thru" stopping to see everyone would take more time than she felt she had to give at the time?
    I am just guessing----take my thought with a grain of salt. I do not understand my siblings AT ALL.
     
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    She (#1) is up here doing a seminar for work yesterday and today and will be spending the weekend at my sister's (#2) house. Apparently #2 has known since last week when #1 called to ask if she could stay with her.

    Sister #2, the local (loco) one, just called me and asked me if I wanted to hang out with them tonight but I already have plans. If I had known sooner I wouldn't have made those plans.

    It's just typical the way my family works when it comes to this stuff. They love to be perceived as this close-knit, loving family, but in reality there is too much baggage to wade through and see what their true agenda is all about.

    Ugh, you'd think that years and years of counseling would help me not let this get to me. I'm trying to shake it off.

    Thanks dreamer.
     
  4. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I have often wished I had siblings but then I read stuff like this and I am glad I dont. I really dont understand the sibling relationships except where I see it in my kids. I cannot fathom my boys driving through town and not visiting each other. It wouldnt happen.

    I would be upset too. Can you get a voodoo doll and poke pins in it? LOL.
     
  5. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Jo, I am so sorry for your hurt. I have three sisters and three brothers. I would be hurt if something like that happened, too.
    we tend to group up as much as we can. can you meet them for breakfast??
     
  6. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Jo,

    Families can be such PITA's!!! I don't know too much about your situation so my thoughts might be totally out of line, but, maybe sister #1 feels guilty that she is ok and sister #2 has problems. She could be trying to compensate for this by spending as much time as possible with sister #2.

    Like I said, I don't really know enough about your situation to offer you advice. However I do know how it feels to be hurt by a sibling who you've tried to maintain a good relationship with over the years despite lots of family baggage. It sucks!!!

    I'm glad you have plans this evening. I hope you can put your sister out of your mind and ENJOY your evening!!! WFEN
     
  7. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    I do know how our sibs can hurt us. I have 4, I am oldest, I am 48 (well, LOL in a couple days) One bro is 45, boy girl twins are ealry 30s and youngest brother is just tunred 21.
    We have had several issues, some due to spouses, (my sibs do not like my husband - wanted me to divorce him when he got ill becuz he could not work- he was catatonic) and due to parenting (my oldest is BiPolar (BP), they did not yet have kids but they said alternately, - I was too strict- not strict enough- etc)

    My mom was 15 when I was born, a single mom, broke, poor, her parents already deceased. My bio dad was a violent psychpath and he stalked her and us at gunpoint. My mom married the twins father, had the twins and then decided that husband of hers should not have to support and raise kids she had prior to that marriage- so she sent me to streets, and my now 45 bro wound up living with a now convicted pedophile.

    My sister who is early 30s and a twin never worked outside the home. SHe had a very nice childhood, my youngest brothers father had a highly successful business. She went to finishing school, modeling school, and married a wealthy man straight from our mothers home. Her twin went to college, my youngest brothers father paid for that, he got a PhD told stefather he was studying law, but in truth he was in seminary, and became a doctor of ministry.

    My sister has always said if I had divorced my ill husband I could have married someone with money and my children might not have been ill. My minister brother and his twin have said several times that if only I prayed harder and had stronger faith, my husband and kids would not have the disabilities they have.
    My youngest brother lost his father at age 11 and our mother when he was 19.

    My minister brother lives right near the university teaching childrens hospital where my son goes for his eye.
    He is the hospital chaplain there. None of my sibs would cover for me, I was caring for our mother on her deathbed and my own husband was in ICU - mom an hour south of my house, husband an hour northeast of my house, and son 5 hours southeast of home....my sister fired the home health nurse I hired, so I could tend to my son, and I was at the hospital for my sons 9 hour surgery all alone, leaving oldest difficult child and easy child at home alone.
    I need to also add, my sister is also the head of her churches homebound caregiving- that is- when people are ill, she cooks them meals and brings them to the families. She also drives people to doctor appts.
    The hospital where my son was was quite concerned to have me be there with my son all by myself. More than once they badgered me to call someone anyone to come be there to be with me.
    Noone would come. Heck not only would noone come be with me, noone would go be with my mom, dying of brain cancer..nevermind my sister lives a block from mom, and had POA and moms checkbook etc...........nevermind my now 45 bro wife did not work and they live 10 mins from moms, or my youngest brother lived WITH mom........I could not get ANYONE to fill in caring for mom!
    The VA hospital where husband was was demanding I be THERE, as it was unclear if my husband would live.

    Well, I then decided at the hospital with my son to mark the checkbox on admittance papers requesting a visit from hospital chaplain, so the chaplain could pray with me, guide me in prayer, whatever, and maybe then the hospital would feel better about me being alone thru my sons 9 hour surgery.
    This hospital is right near my bros house. My minister bro.
    My bro IS this hosps hospital chaplain.
    Even then, my bro would not come to the hospital.........but neither did he go help care for my mother, either. SO since Nov "05 I have been going back and forth to that hospital usually 3 days a week, and paying for hotels and meals or staying at Ronald McDonald House with my brother living in his giant 5-6 bedroom home right there. :-(

    As you can see, I must not have the first clue how to be a sibling and I must not know what is "normal" to expect back from sibs.

    I taught my twin sibs how to drive. I bought them their first cars, nevermind I was living on my own at the time and nevermind their own father and our moms last husband had money. I took my now 45s wifes son into my home when he was diagnosis'ed BiPolar (BP) and I raised him age 11 to 16....becuz they said they needed a break. (no I did not get child support)

    I do know one time I went to visit a cousin out of state, but not another cousin becuz my time was short. The cousin I did NOT visit had hurt feelings. (altho the cousin with hurt felings had come to my area many times and never visited me)

    I also know many times I would make plans to visit my mother but my mother would then call other sibs to come visit at the same time, and sadly, a bigger group visit is not quite the same as a visit with just one sib.....and a visit with mom alone is not quite the same as a visit with mom plus other sibs.

    MAYBE............maybe your one sib had something kinda personal she wanted to talk to other sib about?
    Hard to tell.
    I am sorry you feel hurt, tho. I think we feel much more hurt at the hands of those that love us than by strangers.
    Maybe you can make arrangements to get together with yours one on one?
     
  8. ScentofCedar

    ScentofCedar New Member

    well, if this helps any...maybe the sister did it just this way because she KNEW how it would make you feel. And if you feel badly, then she must be the more important or powerful sibling.

    I would be interested to know who suggested to the loco local sister that it would be fun to get together with you for breakfast.

    Sister # 1 perhaps, so that she could be sure to rub it in?

    What fun would it be if you never even knew she had come to town and chosen not to see you?

    Or maybe I am being way too devious.

    I AM feeling a little out of sorts today, now that I think about it!

    :rofl:

    The thing is though, that you don't drive six hours and forget to remember you have TWO sisters in the town you are staying in for your seminar.

    And then, you don't have the other sister call the sister you are trying to be better than and invite her for breakfast, like an afterthought.

    If she had called you herself, that might have been giving you too much power/prestige.

    Families are so squirrelly!

    I am sorry you did not get to see both your sisters, without all this baloney from the past coming up on you like a bad burp.

    Barbara
     
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: WishingForEmptyNest</div><div class="ubbcode-body">maybe sister #1 feels guilty that she is ok and sister #2 has problems. She could be trying to compensate for this by spending as much time as possible with sister #2.</div></div>

    Actually, all of my other siblings are afraid of sister #2 - she has a forked tongue and knows how to use it. She can slice and dice you in about 1.5 seconds flat and leave you stunned into silence. Last year when my mom came to visit and had no intention of staying at sister #2's house here in town, my sister took it out on me and literally freaked out. That attack was followed by another unrelated attack, which left us estranged for months. I had to seek therapy just to learn how to deal with her.

    Sister #1 has her issues, but mostly I think she did this because she's afraid to get on the wrong side of sister #2. She has no backbone when it comes to that sister and neither does my sister #3 or my brother - they are all afraid of her. So, since it was easier to diss me and hurt me I guess she took that route.

    When sister #2 called me before to invite me out with them tonight and I said I already had plans, she suggested that maybe we could all get together tomorrow night if they "felt like it" after tonight. Whatever. I'm sure I will be over it by tomorrow, but right now it's like that burp someone mentioned. LOL

    Thanks everyone for the support!
     
  10. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    Maybe the less evil one thought you might already have enough going on on your plate and did not want to get you all riled up and involved in more weirdness at this time, but then felt bad about it all and called you after all?
     
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Haha dreamer, it's so nice of you to try and find an upside to this. Sister #2 (loco) said that sister #1 mentioned to her this very morning that she forgot to tell me she would be in town. And since she's not passing through, and knew over a week ago she'd be here, she could have at least zipped me off an email and left it up to me to decide if I had time in my life, Know what I mean?? Besides the fact that neither of these sisters know anything about what's been going on with difficult child, so I don't think it would have even occurred to them.

    I am not one to hold a grudge nor am I one to flip out on anyone (they call me the "calm sister, the level headed one" - yech, gag me.

    The logical parts of my brain realize that while her actions were thoughtless and hurtful, this is about her, not me. And I realize that sister #1 is absolutely crazy at times and her life often seems to be spiraling out of control very often, so I know that my anger, hurt, or whatever this is I'm feeling will pass. It's just a matter of me being able to blow off some steam about it and move on. Like I mentioned earlier, this is not an uncommon scenario in my family and my sister has done this on some level to each one of her siblings, so I don't take it too personally. I just basically think it s.u.c.k.s!

    Thanks, though, for your efforts - lol.
     
  12. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    I could not agree with you more. ANd I am so sorry you have to be hurt by them. ((((JoG))))
    Yes, it does suck. Big time. (I was only hoping it might heva been something else, like maybe what I had typed) :-(
     
  13. Sue C

    Sue C Active Member

    Hi Jo,

    I'm so sorry about your sister's unthoughtfulness. I've sent you a PM.

    Sue
     
  14. Fran

    Fran Former Site Owner

    <span style='font-size: 11pt'>I'm sorry to hear your sister hurt your feelings. I have 2 sisters and 2 brothers. One sister and I have locked horns from time to time but there is still a strong bond. I can't imagine my sibs going out of their way to hurt me. Hope this passes or heals. </span>
     
  15. SearchingForRainbows

    SearchingForRainbows Active Member

    Jo,

    It is so sad that lots of times families' lives revolve around the mentally unstable person... As an outsider looking in, it almost seems like everyone enables sister #2 to remain in control out of fear... Have you tried a family meeting without sister #2 around??? Maybe the rest of you could figure out a way to lesson the painful effects that sister #2 has on everyone...

    Like I said before, families can be such PITA's :grrr:!!! Another piece of maybe useless advice, (as Janna says, you get what you pay for lol), if it were me, I would only get together tomorrow if I really wanted too. I wouldn't get together if I was just going to do it because that was what was expected of me - a family obligation.

    If you do get together, I hope you're all able to enjoy eachothers company... WFEN
     
  16. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yes, we've had a long phone call type of meeting back in the fall of '05 when I cut my ties with sister #2. We all spoke our minds but the major response from my other siblings were that they were glad they only had to deal with her once in a while and that they all felt bad I lived so close to her! Haha~ I actualy work for her H.

    I stopped doing things with my family out of obligation a while ago, at least when it comes to this sort of thing. With weddings and big affairs, etc., I do what I have to. But in this case, I don't feel responsible or obligated to hang out with them. And I only would agree to it if I were able to put this behind me so that we could all have a nice time. I do not intend on wasting my day just to have a bad time. LOL -
     
  17. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    Jo,

    There are some family situations that are simply toxic. I'm sorry you weren't included on the plans.

    My Mom's mother used to pull these kind of stunt all the time. After a while, people would call Mom & sideling Grandma. They knew the woman's antics.

    Mom, always the gracious hostess, called & invited Grandma.

    I hope you're feeling better this afternoon about the whole thing.
     
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Okay, so when I got home from work this afternoon, there was a message from visiting sister #1 from 7:30 this morning. Her message was that she got in late, meant to let me know ahead of time that she would be here, but just ran out of time. And she wanted to see me while she was here. Then around 5:30 PM she called me again and told me she is in town for a work related seminar and will be here till Sunday.

    So, I'm still a little hurt that I was an afterthought, and it seems like maybe the loco sister #2 was enjoying making me feel like crap afterall. Like knowing for a week and not telling me or inviting me into the fold, and then extending a half hearted invitation the day of.

    I am still going through with my plans for the evening with my friend. I have let this go and now when I DO see them tomorrow late afternoon, I will just have to suck it up because I will not let loco sister know how much her antics bugged me. H thinks I'm wrong for not cancelling with my friend and making the time to see my sister, but I'm still annoyed and actually looking forward to hanging with my friend.

    So thanks everyone for the support...
     
  19. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I don't think you should cancel your plans with your friend either. You'll see her in the afternoon. If she wants to spend more time with you, she will call you ahead of time, next time. You can just tell her, when loco sister is in the bathroom or something, that you are really disappointed that she didn't let you know sooner.
     
  20. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think your plan to not let your sister know how much she bugged you is a good idea. I'm sorry you had to go through all of this hurt.
     
Loading...