I am in a bad place! UPDATE!

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Just keep swimming, Mar 24, 2007.

  1. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member

    <span style="color: #663366">Hi family,

    First off, warning, this will be long!

    The last 2 days feel like a nightmare, and I can't wake up from it! I have run away to a hotel and my "sister" (Jayme's sibs adoptive mom) is meeting me here soon. I have to decide if I am going to go home or not tomorrow. :sad:

    It started on Thursday evening, I got a call from my bio sister saying that my other sister was losing her fost/adopt daughter (10 yo angel from above!) to be moved closer to her IN PRISON dad 2 hours from them so that she could bond with him and he can have the chance to get her back when he gets out in 9 months! Tell me the sense in this?!? He is in prison for domestic violence, drugs and who knows what else. My "neice" has been, first in the system and then with my sister for 3 years! And NOW CPS feels she needs to bond with this guy??!!?? J left yesterday morning. SW picked her up and she had to be physically removed from my sister's arms, J was hysterical. She WANTS to be adopted by my sister and her husband. She does NOT want anything to do with a dead beat dad she hasn't seen in over 5 years!!! I am so heart broken. J loved us all and we her, so very much. I am so afraid of what all this is going to do to her and to my sisters family. Prayers please.

    Yesterday, my back was NOT good. husband came home early from work to "help" me. All he did was go into his shop and clean it up in there. I am lying there on the couch, Aly is having a meltdown (3rd of the afternoon) about getting some stupid baby doll from Wally World. Jayme is not feeling up to par and was super whiny. I was trying to get her to lie down for a rest but Aly was throwing such a fit Jayme couldn't settle. Crisis team called (2nd time in 2 days) and again they were able to talk her down on the phone, thank God!

    I was so angry with husband for disappearing into his world (shop)!! I called him on his cell and told his to get his hiney in the house and get these kids out of the house for a while. What does he do? Has to run an errand (shop related, NOT work!) and swings in and gets Aly that danged doll she was flipping out about. I was livid! :grrr: She does NOT need another doll, has so many we have had to put some up in attic to make room! husband and I argued, it got ugly, I locked myself in my room and just screamed into a pillow! He invited easy child and his "family" for dinner without telling me, so I am walking around in my ugliest comfy clothes. Another argument that got ugly!

    This morning Jayme was up super early. My back is hurting so bad I begged husband to get up with her. You would have thought I had asked him to go shovel the drive or something! She is HIS kid too!!! Grumling, he finally got up, but not before she had helped herself to breakfast and spilled half a gallon of milk! He was out there screaming at her, cats were running around, Aly got up and HAD to get involved with the whole situation. So by 6 am we already had 2 MAJOR fights and I again locked myself in my room, bawling my eyes out.

    Jayme was still not feeling great, so I tried to lie down with her and watch some Nick Jr cartoons. Aly marches in and turns the channel. I flip out and scream at her, husband runs in the room to see what is up and tries to "make it all better" only to intensify the whole situation. He belittles me, says that the new neighbors will think I am an idiot mom and can only scream at the kids. He said this right in front of the kids!

    Right then I got up, went in my room and took a hot bath, called my "sister" and we made plans! I need to think this through. He has been sweeping things under the rug for so many years and it is finally all coming out. I am sorry that he has been stressed with my back thing, but what the heck does he think is going on with me? I feel LESS than a person right now, cannot do any housework, laundry, etc. and am so frustrated! Then he says things like "well what did you do all day, lie around" Well yes, doctors orders and all...axxhole!!

    This is the most seriously ridiculously handled situation. We have been married 25 years and I have never thought I would leave him. Right now, I am seriously thinking of doing just that. I cannot take the undercurrent of his hostility any longer. We have been through SO much together, I cannot believe we are drifting so far apart right now.

    I suggested marriage counseling, to that I got a resounding NOOOO! "We have had so much therapy through all of Aly's stuff, how the hell do you think that would help" HELLO! Exactly, we were dealing with Aly's stuff NOT ours! One way or the other, I will be starting therapy for myself. I can't live in this ugly place for very long.

    But for tonight, I will be calling in room service, drinking a whole lotta liquor and hopefully finding my sense of humor again. Strange this is, I am not sad. And how sad is that??!!?? I am more frustrated with the whole thing and tired of it and actually quite done!

    For those who actually made it through this whole thing, thank you very much! Prayers please that we make the right decision for us and the kids sake.

    Vickie </span>
  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    Vickie it is hard to be sad when you are mad. when you are done being mad, sad may come back.
    go to counseling with or without him. I did that when my now ex refused. I was married 31 yrs.

    if you can fix your marriage--stay.
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I can certainly understand getting away for a few days, I've felt like doing that myself at times. But go light on the drinking, that just won't help anything. Take a few days to calm down. Maybe your husband needs this time to realize how serious this is.

    I'm so sorry for your sister. I hope that somehow they change their minds and she can get this child back. There is a point where reunification is not in the best interest of the child.

  4. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I hear your frustration! Sadly I also understand it as my own husband is pretty much the same way whenever I'm down and out. Sometimes I swear the man thinks I'm superhuman or something.

    Going to therapy even if husband doesn't want to go sounds like a very good idea to me. If nothing else it will help you sort out your own feelings.

    I've always hated not being up to snuff. Seemed like that's when everything always fell apart, difficult children got worse..... UGH!

  5. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member


    No worries! I really am a light weight, one drink and I nearly pass out! And, I really don't like it much! Just feel the need to run away from my mind just for tonight, when I am parked in a hotel room and NOT going to drive anywhere. I am so afraid of drinking very much, hate to get sick! LOL!!

    So, I will have my one strong drink and then tomorrow will do some serious thinking!

    Thanks for the good thoughts!

  6. Hi Vickie,

    I can feel your frustration! And it sounds like you did what so many of us need to do - just run away for a little while. I am proud of you!!

    Here's my advice:

    Use the time to rest and regroup. Take a hot bath, order room service and sleep late tomorrow. Then - when you are thinking clearly - write down all that you want to say and all that is on your mind. Then go home. Sit everyone down and explain exactly what you need.

    I'm not married - so my advice may be off base - but I can identify with the frustration and the need to just get away from everything.

    I really hope that you feel better tommorrow and your family realizes that you can''t be all things to everyone - especially when you are needing help yourself.

    Good luck, good wishes, and many, many hugs,

  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    There must be some bad husband juju in the air... they have all gone wacko!!!
    I am very sorry you are having to make these decisions right now. One would think after such a long marriage he would have it figured out???
    I have to say I had 2 glasses of wine last night took me about 6 hours to drink them!!! I talked with one of my only friends who gets it and I do feel a lot better today regarding my and husband situation. So here is hoping a night off for you will help also.
    I am sending good thoughts for your sister also.

    Good luck :smile:
  8. Loris

    Loris New Member

    Your family will all be in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you and husband can iron things out, our difficult children do bring on a lot of stress that can create bigger issues if not addressed. Take care of yourself.
  9. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Maybe you & husband should try to get away for a few days to reconnect. You both are under so much stress with your back, Aly & Jayme and all the other issues of the last several months. I imagine losing your niece to the system tore a hole right in every one's heart. I think you & husband need some alone time.
  10. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    :angel: I hope you find peace of mind & some rest while away this weekend. :angel:

    Vickie, I was at this point this past year - between the tweedles, husband's illness & my mother dying.

    Your family is under a ton of pressure & I'm sure it seems never ending to both you & husband. Do the counseling thing for yourself if husband chooses not to attend.

    Please, don't make huge life decisions during this time of stress, anxiety & such.

    Enjoy the respite. :flower:
  11. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    Vickie, I hope you are feeling better this morning. My husband is a really good guy but he runs hot and cold in the support department and when under stress he can be awful. I must admit when I really light into him, he trys to shape up and that is important. 31 years is a very long time and you both are under so much hardship right now...it spirals up too, when you or your husband get tense then Aly acts up and on and on. I love your idea to get away and take care of yourself and I hope husband shapes up for you.
  12. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member


    Sending hugs and saying prayers for you. I completely understand...while I don't have the back problem these past few months have taken a toll on my husband and I. Take some time, rebuild your strength (inner and outer) and clear your head. I have no doubt that you will make the right decisions for your family...you always have. :smile:

    Hugs & love..
  13. Stella Johnson

    Stella Johnson Active Member

    I'm so sorry, Vickie. difficult child's put enough strain on a relationship, throw into the mix an illness and it's even worse.

    Sounds like he is feeling sorry for himself even though you are the one that is physically hurt. I think alot of men do that. They are babies when it comes right down to it. Most can't handle the entire family thing and working at the same time. They are the weaker sex :rofl:

    Therapy could be good even if you are the only one going. I don't know if I could stand it after all the years of it with difficult child. :hammer:

    I know you are going through alot. I know how it feels to be so helpless physically. Can't do anything for yourself... very frustrating. Have you thanked or praised your husband for carrying more of a load in the past months? Think he might be feeling underappreciated? Sometimes just little thank you's can go a long way in making the situation better.

    (((Hugs))) and keep us updated.

  14. Cass1

    Cass1 New Member

    Oh Vickie I can so relate to you on the household stress and back issues.I can remember when I first hurt my back 3 and a half years ago.Nothing would bother me more then husband's piss poor attitude ,not helping with the kids then having the nerve to ask me what I did all day,when I could barely walk.Its hard enough on us dealing with this back issue it sure changes how you think of yourself considering all the things you used to be able to do,it actually gets depressing so it doesnt help when our husband's arent very supportive.Its been 3 and a half years for me and my back injury is permanent husband has gotten better about the situation but he has his moments that really bother me he could help out just a bit more with the kids and the house.It took me to get to that point where you are but I actually ended up in the hospital for a week it was after that that husband thought he'd make a bit of an effort.Enjoy your time away it really does make a big difference.
    Hope you had a nice time with your sister and you both enjoyed your time away.
  15. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member


    Hope you are feeling better this morning. So sorry about your sisters child. That absolutely stinks and I will never understand the system. Never ever.

    About husband. You guys have been married a really long time and lord knows there are ups and downs in these long term relationships. I have no idea why he would get a bug up his rear right now but maybe there is something in the air because mine is acting similarly right now. Maybe it is "act mean to the disabled wife month" and we didnt get the memo...LOL. Seriously...I think maybe the strain gets to them and they dont handle it well.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Vicki, so sorry!
    I have a bad back and know what you're going through. It just makes everything else worse.
    husband must come through for you when you have a bad back. It's no diff than the flu or anything else... it's just that with-o blood or vomit, no one believes you! :eek:
    Keep icing and take care of it.
    I agree that buying the doll was the wrong thing to do. :mad:
    I also agree that counseling is something you both need but if he won't go, you can go alone.
    You will get back your life one day at a time, and once the pain of your back is gone, you'll be able to not scream at everyone.
    Can you begin with-husband by setting up a time alone with-him, where you hire a sitter, so you two can talk? You can make a list of items to discuss when you're both calm.
    Then you can set up a weekly chat time to discuss finances, cars, emotions, whatever you want. But stick to the pre-approved topics. The counselor will suggest this as a homework assignment, anyway, so I'm saving you a bit of money. :wink:
  17. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    JUst wanted to send you good wishes. It is hard when you have a health problem like this.........it is hard for the people around you, too.and sometimes they do not successfully rise to meet the challenge.

    Hoping thigs calm down for you.
  18. Elmo

    Elmo New Member


    Hugs to you. I hurt my back a few years ago and it was so difficult. A lot of "manly men" don't deal well when their loved one is hurt. I don't understand it, just have experienced it.

    I just, kind of lived through it and my loving husband came back. I'm not even mad about it anymore. You could not have told me that as I was going through it.

    Horrid to say, but I think it is "man" thing. I don't have PMS or am moody so I don't get it. Still, I have lived through and persevered the "man" thing.

    Take care of yourself. I know it hurts.
  19. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I hope your time away has given you some time to relax and unwind. Pain and stress are a dangerous cocktail. I hope you don't make any major life altering decisions right now.

    You and husband have been together a long time. Give this some time before you make a decision. I know how tough it is. I went through the same thing after that many years together. It's painful but it can also be liberating if it's the right thing. But decisions have to be made with a clear head because so many will be affected.

    Sending you love and hugs,
  20. Just keep swimming

    Just keep swimming New Member


    Thank you all soooo much. I am home now. We met up with our husbands and all the kids with horses at a riding arena and husband and I went for a walk. I just blubbered my way through explaining my side of this whole thing and how he and I handled it. He was quiet, said that he was so worried that he had really done it this time and I was really going to leave. I said that honestly, I am still not in a great place and need some counseling but really want him to join me. I cannot take him sweeping stuff under the rug anymore or acting as if everything is okey dokey when it's not.

    I think he got it, not sure tho. I did come home to a sparkly clean house, with laundry started and kids on their best behavior, well that part is mostly because they were exhausted from all the outdoor activity and riding the horses, lol!

    I am in a bit of a better place now. Trying hard to think clearly. This is huge, I have never, ever thought I would be seriously thinking of leaving husband. To all who know him, he is the best father, husband, worker, son, etc. I cannot even talk about this with my mom, she thinks the sun and moon rise all because of husband.

    I just need husband to understand me better and me understand him better. Kinda funny to say that, 25 years into a marriage. But, I am pretty confused at what he really wants right now. I know I want to get back into foster care, I am missing that part of my life so much. He is done with babies, is wanting to wait for the grands to start arriving someday. I, too, will love that, but I am good with babies, and they "complete me". I know, I have my babies here and I love them soooo much. But, I am yearning to get back into helping these babies either get reunified with their bio parents or helping them settle into an adoptive placement.

    I also need him to stop and think before dealing with Aly and Jayme for that matter. Do a quick check before giving into Aly's demands. "Is this really an appropriate way of dealing with this issue or does she really just need an extra snuggle time." Rushing out to the store to get her a doll is not what she needed at that moment. She needed mommy/daddy time. And, she hasn't even played with the thing since he bought it.

    I love him, I really do. I don't want things to end with him. We have too much invested in each other. I just cannot take him not dealing with stuff anymore. In our 25 years of marriage, I have seen him mad, sad, whatever like maybe 5 times. I know, it's a guy thing alot of the time. But I need him to speak up more, not worry about meltdowns or hurt feelings or whatever. It makes it harder if he sweeps it all under the rug all the time. That pile under there is getting almost unsurmountable!

    He said he would think about all I said and then we will try to get away in the next week or so to really talk things through. I agreed that was a great idea. Told him I do really love him, could not imagine him not in my life but if things don't change, and soon I could not continue this way.

    At least we are still on good speaking terms and the kids seem really happy to have me home and this morning are still being wonderful. I made sure they heard that none of this is anything to do with them. They are precious to me and this was a mommy daddy thing that we are working on. Aly seemed so relieved when I said that. Of course, she had her precious horse with her for the whole afternoon and was in heaven!! Jayme even rode yesterday for the first time by herself (being led by my sister of course). And no camera in sight, darn it all!!

    Anyways, I will reread all of your replies, it really helps to have others look at a situation and see things from other angles!!

    Thanks and love to you all,