I am in need of primal scream therapy - seriously

[Mattsmom277]

Trying to feel festive today, get my butt in gear. Getting kitchen, living room and bathroom spotless as they are the 3 areas we decorate for Christmas and easy child and I plan to do the house up today.

Phone rings. Thank goodness for call display. Number shows as MY MOTHER. Yes, the evil genius herself. The one who I have no contact with. For like near to a year now!

She's pulled this from time to time this past year, calls and once even tricked me by blocking her number so I'd answer. I try to just ignore, but then I was fed up of my machine turning on and her leaving messages. I at one point didn't clear my answering machine for over 4 months, it was full so nobody could leave me important messages. Simply because I could NOT NOT NOT cope with having to hear her voice and messages in order to clear the machine. Finally I did clear it and then if she'd call, I hit the talk button and the end button right after, never putting the phone to my ear. Felt horrible doing that, goes against my ingrained manners. But I could not COPE. Finally she had stopped for quite some period of months.

She just did it again. I hit talk, hit end. Slammed my phone down in anger, pain, frustration, rage even. I am really learning to not just not like my own mother, I'm starting to feel hate for her. And hate does nothing to hurt her but it can swallow a person whole who lets it infiltrate their hearts, so I really work hard in my life to never let true hate creep into me. But today? It's creepin'.

I literally feel sick to my stomach when she does this stuff. Makes anxiety crank up 10 notches.

Sorry all, just needed to vent it out into cyberspace so my family doesn't have to listen to this, yet again.

 

[HaoZi]

Vent away darlin'. Have you looked into having her number blocked from calling you, or would that just cause her to call from other phones you don't know? I have known some who recorded every call and went into court to get a restraining order (yes, against their own difficult child-mother) based on harassing calls alone so that she could not drop by their work, their homes, or call them at all.

 

[Mattsmom277]

I've paid money I don't want to spend in the past to A) block her number, B) change my number C) unlist my number. She gets it (difficult child bro!). She'll call from wherever. She has even used a payphone as it shows up as public telephone which is normally my S/O calling on breaks etc which he does daily (and she knows this). I mean really, when I refuse to speak or even put phone to ear to listen and repeatedly just answer and hang up on her, well there's her sign Know what I mean?? And she calls more again anyhow.

Its been about a year roughly since this final ending, previously there were long periods of absence but never final like this is (and has been very clear to her that this is final).

On Halloween, before my difficult child bro went difficult child again, we visited him. He lives in a complex of townhouses, as does my mother. She knew to stay away from his place while we were visiting. Anyhow he had to run her something so easy child asked if she could go along to say hi, said she felt guilty and it was a way to say hi but knowing she didn't have to visit since it was a quick drop off for her from my bro, no time to visit as our dinner was ready at my bro's.

Well the following day she raged at my bro for bring easy child along. She then called my beautiful wee easy child a "beeping A", said she looked like a "fat pig" and told my bro that my 11 yr old easy child "owes her better than a 2 minute visit after a year". Well that is all so fresh in my mind it burns. To say those things about my daughter? Call her those ugly things? And WTH? A 11 year old OWES someone something? My easy child is terrified of my mother but was just in process of losing 2 grandparents within 11 days and needed to see her "gramma". I'm so glad my easy child doesn't know the hateful venous things this terror called her.

I have a friend who is a local police officer. If I get another call I'm going to have her, while on shift at a quiet moment, stop off to pass along a warning that she is to cease all attempts at contacting me or my children otherwise I will seek a court order. It is required here to have it documented that you actually had them told first by authority. It is sick that I may have to do either of these things, police contact or a court order.

I just know I need peace and space to heal from 36 years of her koi.

 

[HaoZi]

Yes, it certainly sounds like you do need that peace and space. I'm sorry you have to go the authority route, but if it will help you and the kids, do it.

It took me a while to figure out what people here meant when they said "koi" because every time I saw it I thought of the fish and was like "What does a giant goldfish have to do with this?"

 

[Hound dog]

The easiest solution since you recognize her number? Pick the phone up and hang it up. If she tricks you by using another number, the moment you hear her voice, hit end. Put the phone down and walk away. Trust me, it's not long before it simply becomes habit and it stops bothering you.

I have caller ID and I also have a rule. If I don't recognize the number and I'm not expecting a call from someone, I don't answer the phone. Period. Everyone who knows me knows that I have this rule. If for some reason their number changes ect......they give me the new one, if they neglect to do so getting hung up on a few times is motivation enough. lol

I have enough difficult child family that I stopped putting up with bull many years ago. It has reduced the drama and stress in my life considerably. I can pick and chose when and IF I chose to talk to those difficult child members of the family. My phone, my rules.

((hugs))

 

[Mattsmom277]

Thanks Hound! I do all of those things. I just can't get to a point that each time it doesn't bother me to do the pick up/hang up thing. I was just ignoring calls I didn't know but then she was flooding my answering machine with messages that made me sick having to hear in order to clear them off. So I pick up and hang up. Or the times i answered a new number and it was her from a friends etc, I do just as you said and hang up the second I hear her voice. She still persists. She goes long enough that I start thinking she gets that I'm done and no point in calling. Then she'll start up again. The stupid thing is, it's predictable. Today there's news all over about tension in the Korean Peninsula. She's a news junkie and with her BiPolar (BP), it manifests in obsession with news and religion and weather. When a big storm is coming or some big world event is happening or might happen, she goes very manic and can watch t.v. news for 2 days at a time without sleep. I bet my boots she keeps calling back anyhow, until it becomes obvious to her that war is not going to break out between the Korea's.

For today, I've asked my S/O to keep the phone with him and just hit talk and then end if she calls, and to just not bother telling me about it. I need to shake this sick feeling and improve my mood. I refuse to let her steal the joy Jessica (easy child) and I get from decorating. Its tradition for her and I to spend a day decking out the house. If we get done early enough, we'll probably bake sugar free shortbread cookies and sugar free hot chocolate and play board games with candles everywhere and the tree lights on. These are the memories I want for my kids. Not this sick twisted game my mother plays. She gets so much worse during the holidays. It'll be nonsense non stop until January.

 

[Mattsmom277]

I'm going to speak to S/O about taking a Greyhound next weekend to visit his mother. She's a terrific woman, a true mamma , a true gramma to my kids even though they aren't her blood. She is what I want my kids to have. I could really just use a couple days in her house, getting smothered with hugs, food, kisses (she's that kind of Italian mom, tons of food and kisses and hugs and i love yous all day long). She even tucks me in like I'm 5 years old again and as crazy as it sounds, I eat it all up lol. I sleep like a baby at her house. What's not to love?

 

[Star*]

I've been there - with mother in law.

I didn't wait for that second call, or for my friend to stop by and give her an option of calling again and me 'waiting on pins and needles'.....I wrote the CEASE IMMEDIATELY letter and filed it with the local magistrate. I was done. All my times of spending waiting to answer the phone after someone left their message, waiting to see if that strange number was a real number trying to call me about medications, or things important to me or if it were mother in law calling from someone elses phone - UGH the woman was sneaky, ruthless and bored. So after many times of stating "DUDE does NOT want to talk to you, nothing of my doing - your number is clearly written on the dry erase board - her showing up at my house unnanounced and SEEING HER NUMBER STILL WRITTEN IN RED INK 3" letters where she left it with a heart x's and o's and the words CALL YOUR LOVING GRANDMOTHER - and then STILL calling me and doing the intimidation and making me ill? THAT was it - THAT WAS IT.

No maam - she called once after stopping by - and I told her DO NOT CALL HERE AGAIN OR I WILL TAKE THIS TO THE MAGISTRATE - she laughed. The next time she called? I let the answering machine pick it up, unplugged the damn thing and took it, the dry erase board and myself to the police station and filed a notice of harrassment. Then I went to the magistrate and filed something (forget what it's called now) but it meant she was BOTHERING me - and then typed out a letter in my own words and sent it to her registered, and regular, sent a copy to her son my x, registered and regular mail - a copy to the magistrate, the police, the therapist, the state governors office, the domestic violence shelter that had helped me get away from this family and cc: all of them on HER and HIS letter - (didn't put names - left them as XX's - except for the therapist) and do you know she CALLED the therapist?? OMG it was a dream come true.

The therapist told her he couldn't give out any information, due to client privledge, HOWEVER it had been discussed in MY sessions and I had agreed to release information to her IF she did (KNOWING she would) and he told her that HER constant interfering, and pety manipulation were not helpful - but damaging and if she truly wanted to see her grandson thrive? STOP calling because the papers had been filed with the local magistrate and I would make good on the filing.

After that? It stopped, and except for an unlisted number that I still have due to X? I don't have the same pensive feeling and gut uproar you have. Dude had about 5 years where Granny didn't mess with us - and I know for a fact she had my letter scrutinized by attorneys because it was discussed with Dude recently - lol....WHATEVER. Had she kept her big trap shut? Stayed away? And.....her kids had not run her over with her own minivan and then covered it up to the cops because well - you know that family does NOT involve the law at any cost? She probably would be having a conversation with her grandson right now. But alas - her own kids told the police she ran over herself. Bittersweet.

don't wait - MM - Go file now - give yourself a gift.

 

[Mattsmom277]

Thanks Star! Gosh you've been through a lot. Wow.

I'm going to let it go for this weekend (hopeful thinking here!) because its me and easy child's Christmas prep traditional weekend and to ruin it for her isn't fair. For me either, I love doing this with her.

I'm contemplating something. There is a form here that anyone can get, a no trespassing order, from the local police. It only requires you bring id and proof of address to station and fill in simple order (my name and address along with kids names, my mothers name and address). it is legally binding for her to not trespass to our property to contact us. It does nothing for phone calls but my mother is no sharp pencil about legal stuff. Perhaps I should file it Monday and when I mail it to her (that's how it works, you mail it to them snail mail) I could include a brief note that this is the beginning of my legal steps to keep her away and that the next phone call will initiate police involvement and court involvement. Maybe that will get through to her.

 

[Star*]

That's where I started - and like yours ours did NOT cover phone calls - but I figured I had nothing to loose. But when I typed my letter I referenced the Peace Bond and included phone calls in my typed letter - it floated.

If you need help let me know I'll dig up a copy of that letter it was pretty direct and very legaleese. Even my atty asked which web site I got it from (proud of me) I said my head. Guess Momma bear composes a good one after all.

And meant to tell you - don't let her own you - do the put her jam in a bubble thing and float her out to see - literally - do it......do the motions physicall - no matter how goofy it may look - and then tell your brain what you are doing as you do it and put her out of your mind. When she creeps back in ? Do the same thing over and over. IT's actually a form of EMDR lesson - best I can do without you going to therapy. Just physically pick her up in your mind - put her in a bubble or a jar or a boat, and ship her off somewhere and tell yourself - YOU ARE BEING SENT AWAY and you will NOT ruin my day with your negative thoughts or actions - I will not allow you to take up space in my head and each time you try? I will send you away further and further. Then just give whatever you put her in a shove and say BE GONE - and walk away - and don't look back. Enjoy your day.

Hugs & love
Star

ps...cleaning my house would ALSO eliminate those thoughts - but I guess the commute would be heck.

 

[DammitJanet]

Well on your way to Star's house to clean you could stop at mine to clean and by then all thoughts of your mother would be long forgotten and I know she couldnt find you here! LOL.

 

[barneysmom]

((((((Mattsmom))))) Sorry you have to put up with this.

Jo