I am irreparably damaged

[totoro]

I liked what Star* said this last post. I have thought this way so many years.
I will never be the rainbows and butterflies girl.
I have thrived on the world hoovering.
I have almost relished in the adrenaline of the trauma set forth before me.
It is almost like a badge of my strength. Not that I wanted it. It was not something that I chose, but when it was taken away, or when it stopped... well ho-hum.
We, as in almost all of us here have led lives that were and are seriously more than any normal person could ever fathom.
So when you are sitting there trying to be normal... you feel bored and stifled.
Let alone the carp that is the PTSD you face from everything.
Normal is not something anything of us do gracefully.

It is like we need to have things before us that force us to react and respond above and beyond what most would be capable of ever being able to handle?

I think like the others have said a part of you is missing and lost without these things.
Where to go from here?

I don't think it is that you can't live or deal with your traumas, you are so strong.
I think it is a question of what next? How to live with the calm and how to balance normal with some excitement?

How to find the balance?
How to deal with "normal" people! LOL

I have wanted to try EMDR for so long but finding the me time excuse keeps creeping in.

Either way. I know in my heart and from your past that you will find a way. You are a survivor.
You will find what gets your heart pumping again and what also calms your soul.

I also truly believe one day there will be a man worthy of you.

 

[Steely]

Thank you all. So many wonderful thoughts, suggestions, and encouragement.

As far as therapy - I have gotten myself into a psychological pickle by choosing a town of 5K to live in. There is not even a psychiatrist within 2 hours of here - let alone - a counselor. I thought/trusted I could handle leaving my awesome therapist of 6 years back in Dallas........however........I could have been wrong. Yet.......for now.......that is my reality.

EMDR is something I have researched and looked into - and I know it works. It is just not an option - nor is therapy - unless I drive countless hours a week to find it. Journaling is going to have to be my choice for now - I do derive great peace from it.

I also understand the need to create drama. I remember doing that in my first marriage, over and over. I was actually cognizant of my actions that caused the drama - and yet I did not know how to stop.

As for the guy thing. Good god. I am like a teenager that will never grow up. Seriously. I do not know what is wrong with me. One guy shows me affection and I am in love? Barph. Yet my heart is not attached to my mind. I SO desperately want real love before I die. And yet, perhaps it is not out there for me.

And Matthew. Well. The sad reality is that my son caused me such a profound and deep sense of trauma/fear/loss - that I cannot ignore it. I actually was glad when he was back in his group home today - so that I did not have to worry about his every move anymore while he was on his home visit. And that one confession makes me deeply sad and worried. How will I cope when he is out of the group home? How will I ever be normal when I am constantly worrying when the other shoe will drop?

Thanks again you guys.
I really needed this forum to vent and release - and I appreciate you all listening.

 

[mstang67chic]

Wow. I'm coming in late to this and honestly, I don't know what to say. Although, if I DID know, I don't think I could say it any better than how everyone else has already said it.

So....I'll just send hugs and good thoughts. (and if you want a smile? go look at my Oh Staaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr post! )

 

[timer lady]

Irreparably damaged ~ no. Deeply wounded & needing time to heal a big big yes. Steely this is going to take time. You may never be the person you were before difficult child or the loss of your sister but you will emerge.

It's up to you just when & how you will do it. I expect you'll find something spiritual, calm to work through all the trauma & loss. I'm not the one to say how you'll do it, just a guess.

I also expect when you come out of your long dark tunnel we will see a beautiful wise woman.

 

[Shari]

As far as therapy - I have gotten myself into a psychological pickle by choosing a town of 5K to live in. There is not even a psychiatrist within 2 hours of here - let alone - a counselor. I thought/trusted I could handle leaving my awesome therapist of 6 years back in Dallas........however........I could have been wrong. Yet.......for now.......that is my reality.

Do some googling. It is possible (and not that hard) to find counselors who will do phone sessions. I came from a very rural area, it happened a lot and tho probably not as good as face to face, it was better than nothing, when needed. Maybe even contact your counselor back in Tx. He/she might be willing to take you on via phone, or able to give you a name of someone else who can.

I also understand the need to create drama. I remember doing that in my first marriage, over and over. I was actually cognizant of my actions that caused the drama - and yet I did not know how to stop.

A life coach may be able to help with this. Again, available by phone. I know a good one if you want his name.

As for the guy thing. Good god. I am like a teenager that will never grow up. Seriously. I do not know what is wrong with me. One guy shows me affection and I am in love? Barph. Yet my heart is not attached to my mind. I SO desperately want real love before I die. And yet, perhaps it is not out there for me.

When you stop wanting to love and be loved, perhaps then you will be irrepairably broken; you're not there yet. You have been struggling alone for so long, now you have the prospect of TIME to do something for YOURSELF, to find something for YOURSELF. What person wouldn't be giddy about that? Besides that, a fulfilling life, complete with LOVE, doesn't have to come in the romantic variety from some guy.

And Matthew. Well. The sad reality is that my son caused me such a profound and deep sense of trauma/fear/loss - that I cannot ignore it. I actually was glad when he was back in his group home today - so that I did not have to worry about his every move anymore while he was on his home visit. And that one confession makes me deeply sad and worried. How will I cope when he is out of the group home? How will I ever be normal when I am constantly worrying when the other shoe will drop?

Maybe when Matthew is released from the group home, he needs to move into a living arrangement and not placed back at home with you. He is your son and you love him and want the best for him, but to give him the best, you have to be able to exist, also. The best for you both may be a compromise somewhere in the living arrangements. Just think about it; there may be options.

Hugs. You've had a tough row to hoe.

 

[DammitJanet]

Steely...I always find it hard to answer you because I feel such a kindred spirit with you. I dont have answers or wise things to say because I feel like I could be saying much the same things but for different reasons.

I think you will find answers about Matt. That will come in time. The other stuff. I just dont know.

About the therapy. I know someone who is doing some form of therapy over skype and I am going to talk to them about it tomorrow. I will let you know what I find out. Maybe that would be an option for you.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I'm so sorry you're going through such an awful time right now. I've skimmed the responses, and don't have much to add.. you have gotten some wonderful advice here. Wise women, all

 

[Suz]

I was going to suggest phone sessions, too. I had to do that a few years ago when the weather was bad and I couldn't get out. Scanners and email to take care of forms can help make life easier.

Suz

 

[susiestar]

Jusst wanted to send some more hugs. The others have given some ideas that will be useful if and when you decide to look into them. Journalling seems to help you so it is wonderful that you do it.

I hated the home visits when Wiz was in the psychiatric hospital. I always felt like I was walking on a highwire with no safety net - and i am afraid of heights!

That other shoe feeling takes a long while to go away. It was over a year after we moved Wiz to my parents before I could be alone IN A ROOM with him with-o feeling scared. It took a bout 18 months before I would take him anywhere or have him visit over here when husband wasn't home.

So you are not alone. If you need to reach out, at least you know some of us have battled this dragon before. I don't have any real advice but I will listen and send hugs.

HUG!!

Susie

 

[Nomad]

I think the idea of getting telephone therapy if absolutely necessary is a good one. There are even good Life Coaches who have backgrounds in psychology or sociology who might fit the bill.

Please don't underestimate doing some personal reading at the library to start the ball rolling and taking good care of yourself. Everywoman provided a really good list...I like the Stephen Covey books too! And there is a book called "Feel the fear and do it anyway," that I think is very good.

Many people feel that certain supplements help with depression. They include: Fish Oil, D3, and B Complex. Of course, it might also be a good idea to add a multi vitamin too.

It took me a long time, much hard work and the assistance of a few good people to get to a better place. It was WELLLLLLL worth it.

You can do this as well.

Sending you happy/healthy/peaceful/relaxing and joyful vibes.

 

[Steely]

When you stop wanting to love and be loved, perhaps then you will be irrepairably broken; you're not there yet.

So wise Shari. Thank you. Maybe I am being too hard on this guy. Maybe I expect way too much. Who knows.

Regardless. Thank you all! You are all SO wise.

I have contacted my therapist back in Dallas and we will do some phone sessions for now. Janet, let me know about this skype thing - that is ideally what I need. I cannot spend a whole day traveling to see a therapist face to face - but I do need that sort of help in my life.

Thanks again for listening and caring. It means the world to me.

 

[everywoman]

Hugs Steely. It seems like the bad days are fewer and far between...that's good. You are in my thoughts daily. I so admire your strength to keep trying.

 

[tiredmommy]

Steely-

I want you to try something:

Instead of saying you are irreparably damaged, try saying you are forever changed. The events that lead to this change are, of course, horrific and traumatizing. But they do not need to define you. You will have other permanent changes in your life but they don't have to be negative. Accepting where you are and what you feel is important so that you can continue to heal. {{{Hugs}}}

 

[Lothlorien]

Glad you will do the phone sessions. I have Skype and a easy child cam. It's amazing being able to talk to someone so far away, but see them right in front of you. Is your therapist in Dallas willing to do that? That would be really awesome!

I like what the others have said. You've gotten some really great advice.

 

[Nomad]

I agree with Loth.
"What we think about expands."
I think it is fine (even wise)
to face reality, but I would hesitate to express thoughts in such a negative and permanent way.
Instead, you might say that you have been "changed" and are going through a "healing process." Understand that it will take time. It is soooo good that you want to go through the process.
Give yourself permission to take the time and the steps to heal and see yourself healing at your own pace.
You have been through much, but you deserve much. You recognize your right to have more. You have opened the door to more and now your slowly, but surely, are starting a journey.
As awkward as it might be at times, try to put things in your mind and words from a positive perspective.
Avoid negative self talk. Rephrase your wording. Give it a "tweak."
Each day...take a baby step toward happiness and health.
It makes no difference the fairness of it all. (been there done that). All that matters is that you take the journey...at your own pace...just do it.
Keep your your thoughts as "clean" as you possibly can....
Honestly, it is so VERY powerful.