I Am Learning

[Echolette]

Do I go to the park/street and search for my daughter? Do I plead with her once again to get help, tell her I love her, she deserves better?
Does she not know that there is help out there for her to grab hold of?
Am I heartless and calloused to turn my focus off of the choices she is making (which I sometimes struggle with) to try and live the rest of my life as best I can?
There are no easy answers here.

Ah, here is the crux of the matter, no?

My SO is very consistent and helpful on this topic. He says, without judgement, that sometimes we are in a place that we can do these things without hurting ourselves, and sometimes we are not. And sometimes when I am not in that place, he is and can do it for me. And sometimes no one can and then it is on Difficult Child (this is usually the case). SO really normalizes this process for me, makes me understand that just because I have been doing it one way for a while it doesn't mean I can't do it differently today, and that if I do it differently today it doesn't mean I must continue this new way, or that the old way has failed. Just...that I am free to pick the path best for me, and that he (SO) will sometimes pick up the load when he can do so without harm to himself or to us.

This all feels pretty healthy to me.

There are no easy answers here. Just...we need to be kind to ourselves and each other, and not be to hard on ourselves. Or each other.

Echo

 

[pasajes4]

Ah, here is the crux of the matter, no?

My SO is very consistent and helpful on this topic. He says, without judgement, that sometimes we are in a place that we can do these things without hurting ourselves, and sometimes we are not. And sometimes when I am not in that place, he is and can do it for me. And sometimes no one can and then it is on Difficult Child (this is usually the case). SO really normalizes this process for me, makes me understand that just because I have been doing it one way for a while it doesn't mean I can't do it differently today, and that if I do it differently today it doesn't mean I must continue this new way, or that the old way has failed. Just...that I am free to pick the path best for me, and that he (SO) will sometimes pick up the load when he can do so without harm to himself or to us.

This all feels pretty healthy to me.

There are no easy answers here. Just...we need to be kind to ourselves and each other, and not be to hard on ourselves. Or each other.

Truth

 

[Ironbutterfly]

It's good that you're learning not to engage. When i was still using, I would come up with any number of emergencies to draw people back in. I didn't do it with the intention of hurting anybody, but it is difficult to handle the innate loneliness that comes with active addiction. Most people don't (and shouldn't) want to keep too close to addicts, and they realize that they aren't helping, and are probably hindering. My aunt was never mean or cruel to me about it, but I didn't like not being the center of her attention. If I couldn't have positive attention, I would settle for negative. Which meant creating crises and emergencies in such a way she would feel obligated to engage me again, either to rescue me, or even berate me for my thank you choices.

It is kinda like that ex you had who couldn't handle a clean break, and spent their lives trying to get a rise out of you. By throwing pity parties, creating emergencies, and trying to make you jealous by being with somebody else in front of you. It is a lot like that.

You have nothing to be sorry or embarrassed for. Those people who think less of you for your responses and reactions have no understanding of the nature of addiction, and codependent, unhealthy relationships. How could they? It is one of those things that must be experienced to truly appreciate. You are doing the right thing. Engaging him, and supporting him in any way might make you feel a little better about yourself, but it is ultimately a hindrance to recovery. It will only slow the crucial process of hitting rock bottom. It is bad for the addict, and for the parent/significant other. They may not be able to understand the way you are handling this, but you do. As do we. And anybody who does understand it would tell you that you're doing the best thing for your son, and for yourself.

Thank you for your insight- it really helps us to understand how they think and feel. I look for your posts as they help me to unravel the thought processes our Difficult Child's go through.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Us addicts tend to want to have our cake, and beat it with a dead horse, too. We want to live the destructive lifestyle of an addict, AND be supported in that venture by our loved ones. It is important that the line drawn is solid. It is one, or the other. We have absolutely no right to drag everybody else down with us, even if we think we do. Disengaging is so important because it puts it, in no uncertain terms, that they can thrive and progress with you, or self destruct a safe distance away from everybody else. You obviously cannot make us stop, as much as you'd like to, and as hard as you've tried.

 

[TheWalrus]

Coming in late, but I have had my share of "concerned individuals" wanting to update me as well. I politely say I don't need to nor want to know, and always get that shocked, "But you're her mother!" look. Here is my attitude: That is one bucking bronco that has thrown me to the ground and stomped me several times. If you think you can do better, saddle that pony up and hop right on. But don't you dare judge me for realizing that addiction is a beast I cannot tame.

 

[pasajes4]

Us addicts tend to want to have our cake, and beat it with a dead horse, too. We want to live the destructive lifestyle of an addict, AND be supported in that venture by our loved ones. It is important that the line drawn is solid. It is one, or the other. We have absolutely no right to drag everybody else down with us, even if we think we do. Disengaging is so important because it puts it, in no uncertain terms, that they can thrive and progress with you, or self destruct a safe distance away from everybody else. You obviously cannot make us stop, as much as you'd like to, and as hard as you've tried.[/QUOTE

Truth

 

[Tanya M]

Good for you Pasa! You are sending a clear message to your son that you are not going to be his "go to" for information or money.
As for those "concerned" individuals, I think you handled that really well. People like this may come across as concerned but I have learned for some it's more about being noisy. Unless one has walked through the fire we have they will never understand.
I have had to let go of people in my life who at one time were good friends but they became so critical of me and how I was dealing with my son.

Us addicts tend to want to have our cake, and beat it with a dead horse, too. We want to live the destructive lifestyle of an addict, AND be supported in that venture by our loved ones. It is important that the line drawn is solid. It is one, or the other. We have absolutely no right to drag everybody else down with us, even if we think we do. Disengaging is so important because it puts it, in no uncertain terms, that they can thrive and progress with you, or self destruct a safe distance away from everybody else. You obviously cannot make us stop, as much as you'd like to, and as hard as you've tried.

I think Darkwing has summed it up very well here. (thank you so much Darwing for your insight)

((HUGS)) to you Pasa.