I am need of support

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Tinytot2005, Jun 12, 2009.

  1. Tinytot2005

    Tinytot2005 Guest

    Hello i am new here and have 2 beautiful children one is 5 1/2 and one is 4 1/2. They both are on the Autism spectrum but my son Is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). I think he has other issues going on and i want to help him and took so much advice from doctors, therapists you name it read books etc but nothing is working. He seems to get a rise out of others and enjoys it very much. I stopped getting upset and ignoring it but now he chooses to ignore me all the time if he is angry with me. He will squint his eyes and he does this with his teachers and turns his head when you walk in the room on purpose to ignore you if he is angry iwth you. He cant be told, he is always right. He is very social but doesnt know how to interact at his age level, and he has perfect eye contact. He doesnt have many sensory issues and actually isnt getting much Occupational Therapist (OT) only in school he gets it for fine motor. He does recieve speech therapy and has a behavioral therapist. The school he is in just thinks he is cute and gives in to him and the behavioral therapists see that too. When i approach the school about this they say they cant do anything because school needs to be a happy place. I agree with school being a happy place all i ask of them is to not give him much attention when i tell them he is being defiant towards me or towards them. He is oppositional and now and is to his sister, which i know it is normal for siblings to fight but he seems a little obsessive with being in control and upsetting his sister. His sister is starting to become a lot more verbal and she wants to interact with him but he chooses to stimulant off the wall and ignore her. If a friend came over he would try to play with them an ignore his sister. She cries and lays there upset and he keeps on doing his own thing. He likes to see my reaction too when i ask him to go play with her he is realizing it is bothering me too cause he goes back to ignoring me or looking right at me and doing his own thing. The thing is she may not realize this as she gets upset with me when i put him in time-out and tells me he is sad. I cant help that sometimes he needs to be by himself and she sticks up for him which i think is awesome for her to be doing but doesnt help teach him. Quite frankly he doesnt get anyhting out of time-out but a consequence and he enjoys it. He is a control freak and i wish i could help him. I ignore him but then he keeps on ignoring me i detach myself from the situation and it keeps going on. No doctors want to help him no behavioral specialist help him everyone excuses everyhting he does.
  2. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Hi Tinyto2005, welcome to our site.

    It's often a pretty bumpy road when you have a young, oppositional child who is on the spectrum. Having two on the spectrum definitely would make the going rougher since you have two children with issues interacting with each other on a daily basis.

    Are the speech and behavioral therapists you mention all through the school or are you paying those privately? I ask because as I was reading through your intro I thought it could really be of great help to you if an Autism consultant or behavioral therapist with experience in the area of Autism could come into your home and help you directly with these sibling issues after observing their interaction. A speech therapist working with both children together on sibling interaction would be another idea.

    With kids with these issues you really have to choose your battles. I would suggest getting a copy of The Explosive Child by Ross Greene and read the thread at the top of this board about adapting it to younger children. It will help you form a strategy, including stopping consequences that aren't working.

    Also I think it's important to give leeway when they are making forward progress, even if it doesn't look quite how you hoped for. To me, it's a really positive sign that he wants to play with a friend and ignore his sister. Most of us with younger sibs have to get them out of the way when they want to tag along with the older ones and friends--even with teens and preteens I still have to intervene on this.

    Again, welcome. It's often pretty quiet around here on summer weekends but others should be popping in.
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ok, ok, ok. Whoa!!!! Your son is not choosing to stimulant instead of interacting with his sister. You are witnessing "normal" austic behavior. He isn't choosing to be autistic. He is. in my opinion you need to learn a lot about his disorder as he is being blamed for having it. Here are my thoughts, as the mom of a spesctrum child I typed this paragraph after the rest of it, so this may be a bit repetitious, but the part about him choosing to stimulant got to me. YOu are taking his behavior too personally. Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids DON'T PLAY normally and often can't interact, not even with his sister. This isn't his fault. He isn't going to be a good companion to his sister because he can't be and in my opinion he shouldn't be punished for his autism. It's a real and debilitating disorder. You are going to have to amuse your daughter and make her understand her brother as she grows up. The professionals are probably trying to get you to realize that HE CAN'T HELP IT. in my opinion, and I say this kindly, you need to get out of denial and realize you have a son with a serious disability. He's not "bad" he needs your help. Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is not a diagnosis. It means autistic spectrum disorder. If you mean Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)-not otherwise specified, which IS a diagnosis, my son had that diagnosis. too.

    To me it sounds like he is acting like a kid on the spectrum. They don't "ignore" us on purpose. They often are not tuned into us, and many Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids have their hearing checked because they don't respond appropriately to their name being called--they spend a lot of time in their own worlds. The very essence of Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) is not understanding people's emotions. I doubt he "gets" why his sister is upset. Also these kids do shut down. My son is fifteen and still shuts down when the overload is too great. in my opinion it would be helpful to see an autism specialist so you can learn about your son and how he is wired differently and how you need to parent him different--and have different expectations of them than his sister and other kids. He can achieve and grow, but he needs Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) interventions, not a behavioral specialist. I do not believe your son is being willfully oppositional. These kids really ARE very different and pretty socially clueless and don't "get" social norms and they need help or they get frustrated and act out. My son was horrible when he was younger--but he got a lot of help--now he is the sweetest teen on earth and even has friends. in my opinion if you treat him as if he is "bad" you will only make things worse. Find somebody who really understands Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and work with that person. I think you'll be surprised at the neat little boy you have behind the autistic spectrum disorder. Most of these kids really want to do well, but are confused and need almost text book teaching about social norms. Your son sounds like he desperately wants friends, but has no idea how to do it. He needs social skills classes as well as speech and probably Occupational Therapist (OT)/maybe PT. These are all things my son had since before he turned two years old and it paid off. THey do not respond to interventions for "typical" kids. Good luck, and welcome to the board. :D
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2009
  4. Tinytot2005

    Tinytot2005 Guest

    It isnt easy to understand my child when you havent met him. I talked with professionals and they see including his teachers that he could control some of these things i dont think the teachers are crazy Midwest. He has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) yes and i dont believe he chooses to be defiant or could control that he needs to stimulant heck we all have stims, but he could control some of it. For instance if someone walked in our house during that episode he would switch to a happy child who acts like he is always happy with his Mom whatever she says to him, and he will then play with his sister like nothing was going on. So yes Midwest he does have some control. You arent going to get a rise out of me so dont even try. This is suppose to be a support group and i come here and post once and reaching out for help for my child and i get treated like this. I will find support elsewhere. SRL thanks for the response but Midwest needs to stop being so rude to newcomers when you dont even know the child or situation. And for the record Midwest i am a therapist for kids with disabilities so i dont need to educate myself on the disorders i think maybe you need mroe education and on how to treat others before judging them. He might be ODD he may be Bipolar how do you know. I am a therapist but not all kids on the spectrum are the same i think he needs some help and we have done everything for this child. I dont think the professionals are saying he cant help it, they just dont want to deal with him and someday when he cant live on his own or be independant or make friends it wont be because of me, i am trying to help him. Some advice Midwest if you dont have something nice to say then dont respond.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am truly surprised you took my post as a nasty post. You are wrong. It isn't. However, maybe you didn't like my response so I'll bow out. I did not mean to make you feel upset and I'm sure you do want to help your child and perhaps others are a better fit to answer your question. Not all Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids are alike for sure! I was trying to offer my experience with my own son, which has been very successful. Sorry it wasn't useful to you. I wasn't judging you in the least as I know how it feels to be judged. I'm not a child and not trying to get a rise out of you. Sorry you felt that way. Anyhooooo....I'm outta here!

    Good luck! :peaceful:
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2009
  6. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    I think one of the most difficult things to understand about young children with control issues is that their moods can turn on and off very quickly. A child may have a perfectly fine day at school but walk in the door at home and come unglued. Or as you noted where he could switch to a happy child in the middle of an episode if someone walked in. Children with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) and/or ODD are by nature going to be more volitaile in their moods--that's a given so you should just expect that. If you observe closely what you might see is that an improvement in mood comes when a distraction (such as a visitor) comes along to help them stop perservating about the negative episode. If you see that pattern, then you may be able to use that to your advantage and keep some distractions handy.

    The second thing I think is important to remember is that a child with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) and difficult behaviors has A LOT of strikes against them when it comes to behaving appropriately. Even adults with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) struggle with this and often it takes them a great deal of concentrated effort. His teachers and therapists no doubt believe he could control some of this but what they also need to be emphasizing is that it will be a process that will be learned over time. Honestly it's usually very slow going in the early years. You probably never will take the control freak out of the individual but you can start chipping away slowing in hopes that the control freak part will settle down and not be so overreactive.

    And most of us have to really work on our attitudes about that because it's infuriating to go through hours of a tantrum only to see it lift, say the moment the Great God Daddy walks in the house. We see them suddently controlling themselves in a situation like this and it's natural to expect it to transfer. But it's just not as quick and easy as that.

    If what you're doing isn't working, it's time to look elsewhere for ideas. Have his teachers and behavioral therapist got you set up with social stories yet? If not, you'll want to do your homework on those because often they're very effective in helping children with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) learn appropriate behaviors.

    Are you familiar with the Model Me Kids DVD's? I'm hearing rave reviews about these:

    Joy Berry "Let's Talk About...." books:

    If you're not getting the help you need from the behavioral therapists and professionals you've seen, have you gone in search of someone else?