I am new here, and the mother to 4 sons.

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by kbrand0554, Jan 17, 2010.

  1. kbrand0554

    kbrand0554 New Member

    I am totally stressed and dont know what to do.

    My oldest son 21 is in prison for stealing, diagnosed with adhd.

    my next oldest is 18, and is diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD)/not otherwise specified, and schizophrenia, and moderate retardation. he has major dangerous fits, but can be loving. he has been in group homes, and now is home after another peer impaled a pool cue through his lip.Chaos, at times. he is in a work training program paid for by our local school district.

    My third is 15, and a bit defiant, and antognistic.been on medications for adhd, and they caused more anger, then on medications for odd, they didnt work.

    my youngest, is extremely bad lately, I am totally on edge with him, he is a jokester at school walks up to older kids and puts his hand by their face, and slaps his hand as if he were slapping them. he is high toned in voice, and whinie,and whines a lot,its like a squeal.
    he wets the bed, and he is 13. he talks in his sleep, and walks in his sleep.
    lately he is antagonizing his brothers, and getting them to beat him up constantly, scream squeal scream..... he is calling me a :censored2: . he is causing me to blow a gasket. taking things away , he doesnt like it, but it doesnt change his behavior. he takes methylphenidate 20 mg 3x daily. he is calm for about 2 and 1/2 hours, then loud and whiney.every dose.. bedtime is a nightmare. we live in an apartment, and are on the verge of eviction, I dont know what to do?
  2. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Have you had all the kids evaluated at the same time? It sounds freaky, but we did this because we wanted the experts to see the problems, as well as what the kids had in common. You know - what's familial, what's just "our kids" and what is disorder.

    Your youngest at least I feel should be evaluated for Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) in some form. A lot of what you describe fits. Certainly he does sound like he wants to fit in but doesn't know how. Socially inappropriate but doing his best to learn how to slide by and, as difficult child 3 said to me years ago, "pretend to be normal".

    Also on the ritalin, he could be getting rebound. Even if it's not rebound, we find that at the end of the day, all the stresses of the day tend to pile up, just as medications are wearing off and coping ability, already stretched to the limit, finally snaps.

    A book that can help for the ODD-like stuff (better than medications - I didn't think t here were any medications that could be worth trying) is "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. If you read much on tis website (and I recommend you do, read through archives as well as current posts, try to find anything that seems even slightly relevant to you) then you will find references to this book. It doesn't really matter what the diagnosis is, if the child generally has problems with impulse control, has a short fuse, has socialisation problems or is generally very difficult - the book can give you a different (often easier) way of handling them. Any discipline method that doesn't seem to be working - drop it. Why try, and fail? It only teaches the child that he is now stronger than you. The more you clash and lose (or even risk losing) the worse things become. If you try to count on "Because I'm the parent, I said so," then you are most likely going to find that your child can be more stubborn than you. The child generally has the opportunity to be more single-minded than you, since you have other family responsibilities to worry about and consider, while the child can simply fixate on one thing and stick with it.

    It is therefore far better and more effective to find an alternative to the tug of war you can get into, with such kids. If you think about it - when you use the tug of war method of discipline (where you are constantly trying to impose your will and get compliance that way) you are actually setting the pattern for oppositional behaviour.

    It's what they don't tell us in parenting class (also known as "normal upbringing"). We try to parent our kids in the ways that worked for us, the ways described in all the Dr Spock books, the ways that all our neighbours and relatives insist is the right way, the ways tat worked for our other kids - and we fail, with our difficult children. It's not because the methods are bad or that we are bad parents - it's because for some kids, they need a different method because their brains work a different way. Not defective, not bad, not damaged - just different.

    I'm glad you found us. Welcome. We can help, because we are parents like you who have often already been there. The pool of information is vast and a valuable resource. Feel free to use it. If we can help other people, it makes what we have been through, just that much more worthwhile.