I am ready to give up and give in

[ravenlotus]

We just can't afford all the testing that we need to get done. NO one can lend us any money. My daughter is out of control. If she doesn't get what she wants when she wants how she wants she flys into a screaming fit, hitting and kicking. I don't know what to do anymore. Either we let her tell us what to do. Or we keep taking away toys and privledges and keep hoping that some day it will kick in. I know that's not the answer either. We have another baby on the way and I'm scared. I know this is all my fault for telling my dad's girlfriend to go jump of a cliff. Because of her I could never use any kind of disipline. Because of her PTSD and anxiety she could not have chaos or screaming around her. So I was forced to give my daughter whatever she wanted. Now that I am married and able to have consequences. This is what I am left with. A daughter who no matter what consequence she has she still acts up. Clearly this child needs help but we just can't afford to get her the help she needs. Even though I know she was sick and it was her time to go. I am angry with my mom for leaving me. And I am angry at my dad for getting with and staying with this psychotic woman. Why can't he see what's going on. None of his kids or grand kids want anything to with him anymore. Because none of can stand to be with this woman. I want to work this out. I want my daughter to grow up happy. I just don't what to do anymore. We are barely making ends meet as it is. In her testing that we have gotten done we know she has some sensory issues with sound and touch. So we bring ear muffs when we go out and into public toilets with automatic flushers and hand dryers. For her touch issues we cut tags out and she is growing dreadlocks so I don't have to comb her hair. She is very social and loves talking to people. She sometimes gets a little to aggressive with affection. She will hug too long or too hard or just not back off when someone says that's enough. She is getting better with this. So as long as we don't let her get overly stimulated she is okay and respects boundries. It's mostly her explosive behavior we having trouble with. I have read The Explosive Child and I understand her more but still we can't seem to get a grip on her out bursts.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Given what you already know, and the behaviours you describe above... I'm guessing that maybe you should start reading up on how to parent kids on the spectrum. She may or may not qualify for a formal spectrum diagnosis but... we found that what works for neuro-typical kids does NOT work for spectrum kids, but what works for spectrum kids doesn't hurt a neuro-typical... so there isn't much to lose by trying.

The explosive outbursts are likely the result of overload. It won't necessarily be the 'trigger' event that is really causing the problem. You may find that you have to really simplify your life, reduce the pressures, remove as many triggers as possible. Strip life down to the absolute basics, so that she can cope. THEN you can look at teaching her - slowly - how to handle specific situations so that your world can grow again.

 

[Malika]

You raise an interesting point in your message. You say you believe your daughter is this way because when she was younger you gave in to her. Now, I wonder if that is so? That is a genuine question - I really wonder it. I suspect that it doesn't quite work that way but I am not on the ground and you are.
No-one can diagnose from afar, of course, especially not after one post! On the other hand, I imagine it would be extremely useful to get an evaluation for your child. You say you don't have the money for it. Are there any ways to do this without having to fork out large sums?
This behaviour, especially as it is constant, sounds exhausting, stressful and distressing for all concerned. As you say, it doesn't sound like simply imposing consequences is the answer. Is it possible to use Plan B with her at all, a la Explosive Child? The author talks about great results being achieved with it over time, and I don't imagine he was making those success stories up
Can you describe an incident for us in more detail - what happens and why?

 

[BusynMember]

Was this child adopted? Did she see abuse or was she abused in her first three years? Have different caregivers?

The early education center in your public school should be willing to test her and give you interventions and special services. They do it for free, all of it. I'd definitely start there. Chances are she will qualify for early education which gives you a lot of free time while she is getting help from professionals.

This is NOT your fault. It's not about discipline either. LOTS of parents are laid back about discipline and don't have behavior disordered kids. My youngest daughter is a good example. I can't remember ever disciplining her. She was a easy child and very spoiled. She is still a easy child at age seventeen, best kid in the world. Never been put in a time out. Never been spanked (we don't do that). Never been grounded. But she was blessed with good genes. It's the luck of the draw, unless there is abuse involved. It's that your child is wired differently. You need and deserve and will be less stressed out with outside help and in the US, if you live here, your child is mandated to get it at no cost.

Are you on Medicaid? Some places allow Medicaid for private testing as well.


Did you move out of your father's house? If not, have you applied for Section 8? Sounds like a negative environment there, to say the least!

 

[ravenlotus]

No she was never abused. She is biologically mine. I was a single mother, who had one night stand and got pregnant. I don't know anything about the biological father. Except that he had ADHD and was Irish. I don't even remember his name. I personally have ADD. I got married a year ago and moved out of my dad's house. It did take a while for my daughter to adjust. But she now loves her step-father and he her. They have lots of fun together building legos and going to the playground. But she will still have bad outbursts. Example this happens quite often she will get in her mind that she wants peanut butter with apples. We are out of one or the other and it is getting too late to got to the store. We offer some other allternitives she refuses and goes into a screaming fit because she wants the apples and peanut butter NOW NOW NOW!!!!!!!!!! She will also throw toys. Yes we have tried the Plan b. with saying things like I know you want apples and peanut butter. We will go to the store first thing in the morning and get some. But now I can offer Celery or carrots with some ranch dressing which do you choose. She is still stuck on the first thing. She does really well in school. She has only gotten in trouble 2 times for talking during a story. She always seems to be worse when I am around.

 

[Malika]

Hi ravenlotus. I am far from being an expert on the matter, but I'm not sure that the scenario you describe is a real use of Plan B as set out in "The Explosive Child". As I understand it, at a time that is not an emergency (ie when your daughter wants apple and peanut butter but you don't have any), you ask her what it is about not having apple and peanut butter that is so terrible for her, and you really listen to her answer (perhaps asking more questions to get to the bottom of her concerns). You then invite her to find a solution for this problem - for example she might say: Make sure you always have peanut butter and apples! If this is a problem from your side, you need to explain your concern about that, and try to find a mutually agreeable solution (eg you could buy in lots of jars of peanut butter ahead of time but might not always have apples, and would celery be an acceptable substitute).

 

[ravenlotus]

Has anyone ever heard of the 123 Magic Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 by Thomas W. Phelan Ph.D? The school counslor suggested it. The school is going to test her. Hopefully we can get to the bottom of things.

 

[BusynMember]

Unfortunately, that method usually does not work for our "differently wired" children. I recommend reading "The Explosive Child" by Ross Green and contacting a psychiatrist or a private neuropsychologist for an evaluation. Many of us have had less than satisfactory results from school testing. The price is right, but you get what you pay for too.

I wish you good luck!!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Schools love to push tiny Band-Aid solutions that don't work for real problems... just to say they "did something". been there done that. You need to understand WHY your child is behaving this way. Until you know that, it is unlikely that any approach will work and if it does, you won't know why it works.

 

[BusynMember]

Schools love to push tiny Band-Aid solutions that don't work for real problems... just to say they "did something". been there done that. You need to understand WHY your child is behaving this way. Until you know that, it is unlikely that any approach will work and if it does, you won't know why it works.

Amen, IC. If you don't know why, you can't help the root cause. And it could be any number of things. Best to let the professionals diagnose. I like neuropsychs the best. A neuropsychologist will test in all areas of function and point you in the right direction.

 

[Liahona]

You might be doing the right things but it will take time. Time to unlearn screaming to get what she wants and time to learn how to respond better. Sorry. That is not a pleasant answer. Insane has a great idea to look up things that help Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) kids. It sounds like she has problems transitioning from what she thinks should happen to what needs to happen. If you provide picture schedules it might help this. For example, have a laminated strip of paper with velcro, put pictures of what her snack will be, of her homework space, the tv, the dinner table, ect... then as she completes that task she takes the picture off the velcro and puts it in an envelop. Dry erase boards work well too. I have a few up on the walls with picture schedules on them.

The screaming can be very hard to endure. Maybe you could wear the ear muffs (My husband does.)