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Parent Emeritus
I am sad and desperate and hopeless again
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 745733" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>When I read this I did not think this was me (see below, please). I would respond that I do not seek out conflict: I avoid it. But while not false, it is a half-truth. I worked in maximum security prisons and did not feel this environment to be uncomfortable. The danger. The adrenaline rush. Crises. To me felt to be NO BIG DEAL. I perform well in this kind of environment. But at home I withdraw. I do not want intensity at home. </p><p></p><p>In my case I believe in my work I was trying to master chaos. It was my profession to do so. To handle it. To respond to it. To make decisions within it. To quell it. </p><p></p><p>But at home one is consumed by it. It is indeterminate. It is emergent, inflammatory. Chaotic. There is no control possible. No mastery. I do not seek this out or have I sought to create this. This would be to be a victim. While I have fallen into situations where I am victimized, I seek to leave them. But this is my history.</p><p></p><p>But I believe you have hit on something eliza. I believe that this internalized pattern, of putting myself on the train tracks and begging to be saved, is certainly a dramatic event. I am the passive figure. I am acted upon. But I have created the scenario. None of the central characters of the original family drama are alive. Just me. I have to take responsibility. I am the screenwriter.</p><p>There is a crisis center here and I will ask about a group. I have been thinking about going to their weekly art group. Your post reminds me to follow through. Thank you.</p><p></p><p>See. I am balking because in my case, the scenario is pretend. It is a construct that I have in my head that propels me to perceive and organize and react to the figures in my life, in a way that triggers to make me a victim in an imaginary scenario where I feel what they do to me, is hurting me, and that i am helpless to save myself, or to be saved unless they change or stop. But in the effects, it is exactly the same. There is a victim and a perpetrator and I feel helpless to help myself...and abrogate that responsibility to others and do not myself feel the capacity to protect or care for myself. It is exactly the same. </p><p></p><p>This would be a miracle:Wow. Thank you Eliza</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 745733, member: 18958"] When I read this I did not think this was me (see below, please). I would respond that I do not seek out conflict: I avoid it. But while not false, it is a half-truth. I worked in maximum security prisons and did not feel this environment to be uncomfortable. The danger. The adrenaline rush. Crises. To me felt to be NO BIG DEAL. I perform well in this kind of environment. But at home I withdraw. I do not want intensity at home. In my case I believe in my work I was trying to master chaos. It was my profession to do so. To handle it. To respond to it. To make decisions within it. To quell it. But at home one is consumed by it. It is indeterminate. It is emergent, inflammatory. Chaotic. There is no control possible. No mastery. I do not seek this out or have I sought to create this. This would be to be a victim. While I have fallen into situations where I am victimized, I seek to leave them. But this is my history. But I believe you have hit on something eliza. I believe that this internalized pattern, of putting myself on the train tracks and begging to be saved, is certainly a dramatic event. I am the passive figure. I am acted upon. But I have created the scenario. None of the central characters of the original family drama are alive. Just me. I have to take responsibility. I am the screenwriter. There is a crisis center here and I will ask about a group. I have been thinking about going to their weekly art group. Your post reminds me to follow through. Thank you. See. I am balking because in my case, the scenario is pretend. It is a construct that I have in my head that propels me to perceive and organize and react to the figures in my life, in a way that triggers to make me a victim in an imaginary scenario where I feel what they do to me, is hurting me, and that i am helpless to save myself, or to be saved unless they change or stop. But in the effects, it is exactly the same. There is a victim and a perpetrator and I feel helpless to help myself...and abrogate that responsibility to others and do not myself feel the capacity to protect or care for myself. It is exactly the same. This would be a miracle:Wow. Thank you Eliza [/QUOTE]
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