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I am sad and desperate and hopeless again
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<blockquote data-quote="BusynMember" data-source="post: 745760" data-attributes="member: 1550"><p>And dear Copa maybe he is in some way unable to make those decisions himself. E and RN's sons were drug users, but they had no brain trauma pre birth. But even if your son is impulsive or perhaps a bit different for ANY reason there are resources to help him make his life good.</p><p></p><p>You have offered him so much help. If he doesnt want you to do it for him but still wants help, there are community resources to help him and since he already gets SSDI he qualifies.</p><p></p><p>The state you live in, I assume, has probably some of the best resources iof any state as it is a more progressive state. The problem is J...He is deliberately choosing to live in the streets, not attempt to get help for either mental or physical disorders and doesnt even try to meet you to open up a dialogue that could help him. But it isnt hopeless. Any time he wants it, help is there. He need only ask. He managed to get SSDI on his own when he wanted it. He can get other services as well. And he probably knows how. But you cant make him cooperate. Take that burden off your shoulders. You cant.</p><p></p><p>There would have been nothing I could have done to help my Sonic either if he had not recognized he needed marginal help and accepted it. But if he had refused and then complained but continued to refuse to help himself I would not have blamed myself. I would have put the blame on him. I do beat myself up a lot (less so now than before but I still do) but I couldnt blame myself because my son, all grown up, refused to live a good life. Refused some help in order to have a full life.</p><p></p><p>You shouldnt blame yourself either. You loved/love J and gave him a great experience in childhood. You fought for him in school (you remind me of myself this way). You taught him how to be a good citizen. You went above and beyond.</p><p></p><p>I know you are a psychologist and this is nothing against your profession, but sometimes in real life, away from academia, one plus one equals three or ten!</p><p></p><p>A person with a good loving upbringing is supposed to turn out successful and confident, so psycholigy says. But it doesnt always work. There are so many X factors. Parents alone do not make an adult child the way he is, good or bad or neutral.</p><p></p><p>You did not cause this. Nor can you now change it unless he willingly wants to work with you to change it. Only he causes his problems. Only he can decide to fix them.</p><p></p><p>Your guilt is an illusion that he is like this due to yourself. We have less control over our kids than society tells us. I think a lot of it is genetics and luck. Stop blaming yourself. You did a very good job and like all of us we did the best we knew how. You and I were eons above our parents!!!</p><p></p><p>If J wants a good, healthy, comfortable life it is his. There is so much help. And he has community access and the ability to work with you. So far he has chosen to do neither. One day he may!</p><p></p><p>And if YOU want a good life, a brilliant, kind, indepe ndent woman like you can have one. That doesnt mean you are never sad about J....of course not.....but he doesnt maybe need to consume your thoughts every day, all day.</p><p></p><p>Most of all, dont feel guilty. You were a great mom. This is about him, not you.</p><p></p><p>Hugs, love and sweet dreams. You deserve peace.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 745760, member: 1550"] And dear Copa maybe he is in some way unable to make those decisions himself. E and RN's sons were drug users, but they had no brain trauma pre birth. But even if your son is impulsive or perhaps a bit different for ANY reason there are resources to help him make his life good. You have offered him so much help. If he doesnt want you to do it for him but still wants help, there are community resources to help him and since he already gets SSDI he qualifies. The state you live in, I assume, has probably some of the best resources iof any state as it is a more progressive state. The problem is J...He is deliberately choosing to live in the streets, not attempt to get help for either mental or physical disorders and doesnt even try to meet you to open up a dialogue that could help him. But it isnt hopeless. Any time he wants it, help is there. He need only ask. He managed to get SSDI on his own when he wanted it. He can get other services as well. And he probably knows how. But you cant make him cooperate. Take that burden off your shoulders. You cant. There would have been nothing I could have done to help my Sonic either if he had not recognized he needed marginal help and accepted it. But if he had refused and then complained but continued to refuse to help himself I would not have blamed myself. I would have put the blame on him. I do beat myself up a lot (less so now than before but I still do) but I couldnt blame myself because my son, all grown up, refused to live a good life. Refused some help in order to have a full life. You shouldnt blame yourself either. You loved/love J and gave him a great experience in childhood. You fought for him in school (you remind me of myself this way). You taught him how to be a good citizen. You went above and beyond. I know you are a psychologist and this is nothing against your profession, but sometimes in real life, away from academia, one plus one equals three or ten! A person with a good loving upbringing is supposed to turn out successful and confident, so psycholigy says. But it doesnt always work. There are so many X factors. Parents alone do not make an adult child the way he is, good or bad or neutral. You did not cause this. Nor can you now change it unless he willingly wants to work with you to change it. Only he causes his problems. Only he can decide to fix them. Your guilt is an illusion that he is like this due to yourself. We have less control over our kids than society tells us. I think a lot of it is genetics and luck. Stop blaming yourself. You did a very good job and like all of us we did the best we knew how. You and I were eons above our parents!!! If J wants a good, healthy, comfortable life it is his. There is so much help. And he has community access and the ability to work with you. So far he has chosen to do neither. One day he may! And if YOU want a good life, a brilliant, kind, indepe ndent woman like you can have one. That doesnt mean you are never sad about J....of course not.....but he doesnt maybe need to consume your thoughts every day, all day. Most of all, dont feel guilty. You were a great mom. This is about him, not you. Hugs, love and sweet dreams. You deserve peace. [/QUOTE]
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