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I am sad and desperate and hopeless again
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<blockquote data-quote="Tired out" data-source="post: 745828" data-attributes="member: 23103"><p>Ditto. BUT I have decided that I have to. What is in j's or ben's brains? who knows. I think by letting go things get better. Like the old poem.. "If you love something let it go. If it comes back it is yours."</p><p></p><p></p><p>This is also true of Ben. Ben has held the same job for 7 months that is a record for the last 2 years. As I have stepped back I am seeing things improve. I didn't just totally step back (yes I know some thought I should, but I needed to be able to sleep at night). I run into people that know him (he still lives in this city) and they tell me what a nice man he is. That we did such a good job (OMG. if they knew the havoc he reeked at home!)</p><p></p><p></p><p>ME TOO! But when I started to pull away he had to handle his issues himself. At first he didn't, he ignored them. When that didn't work he had to ask me to help. I did not offer help. He had to ask. He had to tell me exactly what help ($$) he needed, and he had to tell me what he was going to do so that he wouldn't continue to need this help. I didn't set a deadline. He has the lead on this. He has needed less assistance each month. I gave him the tools. He has to use them.</p><p></p><p>Maybe you can't stop cold turkey BUT you can slow down, step back. Offer a step and just wait and see if he takes it. It seems he is trying.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>YES. me too. Guilty. Even though mine was an absolute $hit. I didn't want to see Ben's name in the paper becasue he did something desperate becasue he needed money. I don't regret helping.</p><p>But now he HAS to ask for help. If he doesn't tell me there's a problem I don't know about it becasue I do not google him of look at court listings. If he has a ticket he hasn't paid etc..not my problem anymore. His car insurance is paid. that I help with. I said yes to that becasue if he was in an at fault accident I do not want the other driver to be stuck with bills they do not deserve.</p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes.. My mom always said that. and that is what came to mind when I posted the message to Copa <img src="data:image/gif;base64,R0lGODlhAQABAIAAAAAAAP///yH5BAEAAAAALAAAAAABAAEAAAIBRAA7" class="smilie smilie--sprite smilie--sprite1" alt=":)" title="Smile :)" loading="lazy" data-shortname=":)" /> We used to watch the Doris Day show and my mom would walk around humming and singing that song. Awww..good memories.</p><p></p><p>I always think of the song "The dance" by Garth Brooks.</p><p></p><p><em>Looking back on the memory of </em></p><p><em>The dance we shared beneath the stars above </em></p><p><em>For a moment all the world was right </em></p><p><em>How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye </em></p><p><em>And now I'm glad I didn't know </em></p><p><em>The way it all would end the way it all would go </em></p><p><em>Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain </em></p><p><em>But I'd have to miss the dance </em></p><p><em>Holding you I held everything </em></p><p><em>For a moment wasn't I the king </em></p><p><em>But if I'd only known how the king would fall </em></p><p><em>Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all </em></p><p><em>And now I'm glad I didn't know </em></p><p><em>The way it all would end the way it all would go </em></p><p><em>Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain </em></p><p><em>But I'd of had to miss the dance </em></p><p><em>Yes my life is better left to chance </em></p><p><em>I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance</em></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Tired out, post: 745828, member: 23103"] Ditto. BUT I have decided that I have to. What is in j's or ben's brains? who knows. I think by letting go things get better. Like the old poem.. "If you love something let it go. If it comes back it is yours." This is also true of Ben. Ben has held the same job for 7 months that is a record for the last 2 years. As I have stepped back I am seeing things improve. I didn't just totally step back (yes I know some thought I should, but I needed to be able to sleep at night). I run into people that know him (he still lives in this city) and they tell me what a nice man he is. That we did such a good job (OMG. if they knew the havoc he reeked at home!) ME TOO! But when I started to pull away he had to handle his issues himself. At first he didn't, he ignored them. When that didn't work he had to ask me to help. I did not offer help. He had to ask. He had to tell me exactly what help ($$) he needed, and he had to tell me what he was going to do so that he wouldn't continue to need this help. I didn't set a deadline. He has the lead on this. He has needed less assistance each month. I gave him the tools. He has to use them. Maybe you can't stop cold turkey BUT you can slow down, step back. Offer a step and just wait and see if he takes it. It seems he is trying. YES. me too. Guilty. Even though mine was an absolute $hit. I didn't want to see Ben's name in the paper becasue he did something desperate becasue he needed money. I don't regret helping. But now he HAS to ask for help. If he doesn't tell me there's a problem I don't know about it becasue I do not google him of look at court listings. If he has a ticket he hasn't paid etc..not my problem anymore. His car insurance is paid. that I help with. I said yes to that becasue if he was in an at fault accident I do not want the other driver to be stuck with bills they do not deserve. Yes.. My mom always said that. and that is what came to mind when I posted the message to Copa :) We used to watch the Doris Day show and my mom would walk around humming and singing that song. Awww..good memories. I always think of the song "The dance" by Garth Brooks. [I]Looking back on the memory of The dance we shared beneath the stars above For a moment all the world was right How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd have to miss the dance Holding you I held everything For a moment wasn't I the king But if I'd only known how the king would fall Hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all And now I'm glad I didn't know The way it all would end the way it all would go Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain But I'd of had to miss the dance Yes my life is better left to chance I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance[/I] [/QUOTE]
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