I am so angry

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by flutterbee, Sep 28, 2008.

  1. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I buried it and thought I had gotten over, but now it's resurfacing and I have to deal with it. And I just want to lash out at the people who judged me so harshly when I was sick.

    My own family, specifically my mom and my son, treated me like dirt before the heart attack. They thought I was just being lazy. Didn't matter that I was desperately ill and kept telling them so. I knew for years before the event that something was wrong. Seriously wrong. Years (notice that is plural) before. But, no one would listen. Not even the doctors. Oh, you have a history of depression so you're just depressed or overreacting or whatever.

    My house was always spotless, dinner was made, laundry was done, etc, etc, etc, but for some reason my mother and my son were able to ignore that and decide that I had just become lazy and treat me accordingly. My son told me that I was, "lazy, selfish and irresponsible". My mom backed him up saying that he was just frustrated by the house being a mess all the time. I. Couldn't. Do. It. I *hated* the house being a mess. I was a neat freak. I couldn't stand it. But, I was too sick to do anything about it.

    12 years ago I had a kidney infection that almost went septic. I refused to be admitted to the hospital because I didn't have insurance. The ER doctor told me that he would send me home, but if I couldn't keep the medications down (hadn't kept anything down for days), I would have to go back. I asked my mom to come up and help me. She was angry. She came up, but she was mad. Like I just had a cold and was being a baby. I was so sick that I couldn't stand long enough to take a shower.

    6 years ago when I was admitted to the psychiatric hospital, my mom was angry with me. Asked what I was going to do to get myself out of this predicament, like I had pulled a stunt that went too far. I was trying to save my life because I knew if I didn't go in, I would kill myself. I was in a psychotic depression, convinced everyone around me was plotting and working against me.

    I worked circles around people at work. Got a 10% raise my first year because of my productivity. As my health declined and I missed more work and couldn't keep up, people started talking. Passing judgement. Making snide comments. I'm sure they thought I didn't know, but it was impossible not to know. Not a single person expressed any kind of concern over what might be going on. I was visibly ill. Instead of expressing concern, I'd get comments that I should wear more makeup because I was so pale.

    I'm not perfect. But, I am compassionate. If someone is acting differently, I assume there's a reason and ask if there is anything I can do or if everything is ok. I'm concerned.

    I really don't do the victim thing. But, I can't help feeling like for some reason I'm not allowed to be sick. That I don't get a pass for serious illness. That I'm just a bad person, a lazy person, a selfish person. I have to be perfect and pleasing and do what everyone expects.

    And now I'm crying. I thought I had let this go. But, I really want to confront all of these people and ask them now what they think about judging someone without all the facts. Ask them how they can sleep at night after hurting someone that has cared and shown so much concern for them. Ask them if they're so perfect that they are able to throw stones. Ask them why when I needed them the most, they weren't there. And one of them emails me and tells me I should pray. What a hypocrite. She was the worst of the bunch, but she went to church every Sunday so that made her a "good" Christian. She should try reading the Book of Job. And then she should look in the mirror.

    Ok. Done being a victim. I had to get that out. I think I'm going to have to address this with my therapist tomorrow. Might take a few sessions. I really thought I had let this go. I obviously haven't and I think it's why I haven't been able to relax and am so stressed. The thing with my Mom a couple weeks ago brought it all up.

    Thanks for listening.
  2. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Heather, I'm obviously no expert, but this sounds like one of those things you need to let go. Don't be concerned about what others think even if they are close family. You do what you need to do for you. If they don't like it...eh, so what. You don't need to win their support. If they don't give it then move on.

  3. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. I can understand your anger, sometimes regardless if it's logical or not it's still there...........

    important thing is that you are ok, and you will find your way through your anger in regards to it......
  4. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    I agree with Abbey ~ let go. You need to do what is right for your health, period. If your son or your mother have issues with the house, let them clean, let them cook, etc.

    Work friends are some of the best but can be some of the worst. I've not heard from one of the people I worked with after I was let go when I got ill.

    I've learned to depend on myself. If someone comes into my home & has issues I hand them the broom or duster.
  5. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Dear Heather! I had to walk away for a few minutes to gather my thoughts on your situation because this is something that I'm watching my sister go through right now as well.

    Frankly, I want to fly out to you and kick the **** out of the people that are doing this to you (except easy child and I'll tell you why).

    easy child, while you were going through the beginning of all of this was your typical teenager. My lil sis is going through this with her just turned 10 year old. Everything is about them and it doesn't matter that you're sick. Me, me, me. Male, typical, and you'll be able to toss the guilt at him once he matures up a little. Enjoy the fact that this has absolutely nothing to do with how you're raising him. Fact is: he's a typical PITA. You could have been healthy and doing hand springs and he'd still be acting like a little farging, icehole, bastage (in the immortal words of "Johnny Dangerously").

    Your mom was being the typical PITA who wants to know all of your business, but doesn't want to be inconvenienced by your issues. This is where I start getting po'd. I HATE THAT TYPE OF ****!!!! Truly, the most annoying person to me is the judgemental type. It just drives me batty. The psychiatric side of things can be explained away with the generational mentality of shame associated with anything that has to do with mental health. It just amazes me to date that people would rather look at you as being attention seeking or as a bad parent as opposed to considering that there could be a chemical imbalance.

    I am, out of 6 kids, the only one that will talk to my little sister. I've been shunned, backstabbed, talked about, and publically smeared because I refuse to look at her as an attention seeking sicko who's manipulating my father. It's horribly lonely for her, and I will go to the wall to defend her against those who are supposed to be her family.

    She on the other hand, has been seeing a wonderful therapist, who after about 6 months, was able to get through to her that it's the rest of the family that needs therapy in this issue rather than her.

    To the icehole that's sending you pray for recovery emails - I think I'd get smug satisfaction by writing back and telling her to go pee up a flagpole. I'd tell her that the way she treated you while you were working proved to you what type of Christian she truly was. And be mean. Read it over and over and over and it might make you feel better. You don't have to actually send it (although I'm sooooo hormonal today that I would!), just knowing that you can write it down sometimes does the trick!

    If you want a preggo butt-kicking for any of them, let me know, I'll find a way to get a plane ticket!

    Thinking of you!

  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    You have a right to be angry over that Heather. When you needed support the most, you were let down by those you counted on. Dwelling on that anger or letting it fester won't do you any good. I think it will be good to work thru the anger with therapist and then let it go.

    A simple fact of life is that unless you've gone thru a serious illness yourself, most people just don't understand. And that includes family. Usually it takes something really big to get their attention, and even then, they don't quite "get it".

    I'm glad your Mom has stepped up to the plate and is helping you now. (better late than never) And with Devon........Kids are still wearing their invincibility cloak. They might be worried and even scared. But for them it's a real reach to understand that level of illness and what it entails. Believe me, I lived it.

    When I think of the time K was here, having all those symptoms, odd off the wall symptoms.......and I just for the life of me couldn't figure it out. It wasn't for lack of trying, it just didn't make sense. It was suggestive of abuse, severe depression, major mental illness.....And I was doing what I knew and it was all wrong. K suffered for it. It makes me angry that I caused her more unnecessary suffering when she needed someone to listen and support her. When she stated the diagnosis it was a major AHA! moment. And everything made sense. Click. Just like that.

    Odds are, your Mom is just as angry at herself for not being there when you needed her. Maybe even more angry at herself than you are.

  7. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sometimes letting go is hard. It is even harder when we shove it down and think it is gone. You had a right to be angry and hurt, especially at your mother. She should know when you're being lazy and when you're truly ill. Let's hope your therapist can help you work through this so that you can honestly let it go.

    Personally, I love to write letters to those who have hurt me. I rarely (only once) mail them, but I feel so much better after I have written down every hurt that I can think of. If it was especially painful, I will actually make a ceremony of burning the letter page by page. Seeing all that pain and anger go up in smoke really does help me heal.

    For now, HUGS.
  8. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    My son is the only one who has apologized to me. The only one. And I know he means it. It's interesting that the adults aren't as mature.

    I am letting it go. I had a good session with my therapist today. It's a process, but I realize that these people are who they are and that is a reflection of them, not me.

    I'm not perfect, but I'm compassionate, empathic, caring and try really hard not to be judgmental. I guess I tend to expect that in others.

    What really, really got to me was just a few months after I went into the psychiatric hospital and my mom was still busy being angry, not understanding, not trying to understand (I would give her books on it, but she wouldn't read them) and telling me basically that I should just s-uck it up, she had a friend who was admitted for severe depression. My mom was so concerned and so compassionate and would spend hours upon hours at a time on the phone with her. Interestingly enough, this friend is still very much struggling with depression and one of the main reasons is because she doesn't really do much to help herself or to change her situation (not passing judgment...I like and respect this woman...just stating facts). Whereas, I overcame it - with no help or support from my mom - and yet that's still not good enough.

    I've spent my entire life trying to obtain my mom's approval, and then the approval of others. Always wanting to be pleasing - then going to the opposite end and not giving a damn - always worried that people didn't like me, always worried that I sounded stupid, always worried that I sounded weak, never opening myself up to anyone completely. And it turns out that the only approval I need is my own. It's only taken me 35 years to fully get that. Intellectually, I've known it for a very long time. Putting it into practice has been a much more difficult process.

    Thanks for listening.
  9. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Heather, reading this just broke my heart.
    It sounds to me like your mother sees any illness or weakness on your part as a failing in her. By pressuring you to be perfect, then she can bask in the reflected glory of being such a good mom that she raised a perfect daughter.

    It's hard when your mom won't let you just be human, with all the good, bad and just neutral qualities that entails.

    I'm so happy that you've come to understand that you need approval only from yourself.

    Don't let her or any of them get you down. You're right that it's a reflection on them, not on you. Pouring energy into trying to win the approval of those people is casting your pearls before swine. If they are incapable of seeing you for the wonderful person you are, then there's something wrong with their eyes.

  10. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    I think what stirred this up is my mom is acting - and always has - towards my daughter the way she treated me growing up...and even since.

    She does get it with me now. It helps that she saw how emotionally healthy I have gotten. She has seen me work hard on that. But, the big change came when I had the heart attack. The doctor said they were going to do a heart cath just to take a look which would take 20 minutes and they *might* do one stent and if they did that it would take 40 minutes. The doctor came out 2 1/2 hours and 4 stents later and told my mom that with the amount and severity of blockages, I should have had a massive heart attack resulting in death or permanent disability and they don't know why I didn't. I'm sure that hit her hard. Then I hemorhaged and they thought they were going to have to do emergency surgery to stop the bleeding.

    So, things are a lot different now and while she can't fully understand because she's never struggled with major illness, she's trying. I've just been angry that it took so much to be believed. I was not someone who played sick. I worked 3 days into the kidney infection with a fever of 103. I worked damn hard to overcome my depression and self-worth issues.

    But, the session with my therapist was really good and I got a lot further than I thought. I'm ok with everything. I can sleep just fine at night with the way I have lived my life. There are things that I would do differently, but we live and learn. People aren't perfect and my mom has her own issues from her own childhood and I guess she reacts the only way she knows how. I know that my mom loves me. We all have our issues to live with, work through and overcome. Her life growing up was hard. Her life with my dad was hard. She had to be very strong to get through it, so seeing weakness - real or perceived - I guess is foreign to her. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, Know what I mean?? And I have trouble with 'weakness' in people, too. One of those judgment areas I really work hard on. Unless you've walked a mile in their shoes...

    As for the people at work...who cares. I have no emotional attachment to them. For the most part, it was just hard going into a job everyday where you knew everyone was talking about you. It hurt. But, I did try so hard to cover up how ill I was because I thought that maybe I really was just lazy or something that they probably didn't really see it.

    It was an interesting therapist appointment, though. She talked me through this relaxation thing for about 15 minutes. I didn't get terribly relaxed, but I was able to kind of quiet my brain. Then she said she was going to ask me a question and she wanted me to tell her the first thing that came to mind - to not think about it too much. She asked me the same question a few times. I have always thought that kinda thing was kind of kooky, but you know, it was very powerful. I was surprised. And being in that relaxed state, allowing myself to acknowledge the feelings without analyzing them...I was able to let it go. I wish everything in therapy worked that quickly. :rofl:

    Thank you all for listening and for the support. I'm so happy to have you guys in my life.