I am so frustrated!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by pamelabs1, Feb 15, 2012.

  1. pamelabs1

    pamelabs1 New Member

    Hi everyone, I have been a lurker on this site for quite awhile now and have gotten quite a bit of good advise and information. I am to the point now that I don't know where to turn. It's like my difficult child just doesnt get it! We have had several problems with her in the last year and I just don't know how much more I can take. SHe recently spent 6 days in the hospital and when she got out she promised us things were going to be different..we really thought we were on the path to healing. LAst night she totally disregarded out rules and took her car...then lied! I am so hurt...and frustrated...and worried about her future. We told her if she broke the rules again we would sell her car..so now we have to. WHy can't she see that things would be so much better if she just followed our rules? I am just exausted....I love her so much but I am just so tired of dealing with it.
  2. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Pamela, so sorry about the problems. I hear you!
    My son only learns things the hard way, too. He learns by doing. Just when we think he gets it, he goes and does something amazingly stupid.
    I guess you do have to sell the car.
    Sit her down and talk to her so that she understands that you are selling it because she broke the rules. Because even after you sell it, she may think it's just because you are mad, Know what I mean??
    How comfortable are you with-the bipolar diagnosis? Just wondering.
  3. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You can not control her and it is not yor job. It is her job to control herself. If she is 18, there is really nothing you can do but let her go. If she is under 18, the story is the same. Skipping school, report her as truant. Doing drugs, don't give her money. You bought the car, sell it. Under the age of 18 all you need to do is provide her with food, clothes, and shelter. It does not have to be designer clothes or food from resturants.

    Good Luck. I have a 15 year old who is determined to ruin his own life. I used to wring my hands, lose sleep, miss work. Not anymore. I live my life and enjoy it. I am doing what I am supposed to do. If our kids don't want to do the right thing, the all we can do is protect ourselves.
  4. pamelabs1

    pamelabs1 New Member

    Terry, we talked to her last night and explained why we have to sell it. SHe was apologetic (which is new) but she is so manipulative and lies so much I don't know wheather to believe her or not! SHe knows exactly what to say to make me feel sorry for her. Her bio father (untreated bi-polar we suspect) killed himself in 2007 and that has been a struggle for her as well. I think the bi-polar diagnosis is right on target for her...but I'm no expert! SHe is much like your son...she has to learn everything that hard way! SO far there has been no trouble with the law exept for running away once....but it's coming if she doesn't figure it out pretty soon.
  5. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Yes, difficult children don't get it. However... sometimes (in my observation, often) the reality is that they cannot "get it". There is something else going on, they are being driven by things they have no control over... it can be anything from medications issues on an existing diagnosis, to wrong dxes, to missing dxes, to not having the right supports in place for the dxes...

    And it seems like it is way worse if the issues and challenges are not caught early... the longer things go on, the more ingrained habits become, and the more layers of other issues that get added (depression, anxiety, drug use, etc.)

    It is NOT your fault that things are this way. Both the schools and the medical community frequently miss all sorts of things, and we are the ones who have to deal with the fall-out. But... you are where you are, right now. Who did her diagnosis? has she ever had a comprehensive evaluation?
  6. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Pamela, you really need to get THE book...you know.....The Explosive Child by Ross Greene. Did you ask her WHY she left in the car......and why she felt she needed to lie to you? Try looking at her actions differently. What she's doing sounds very impulsive which does not make her a bad kid. PLEASE read the book.....if you haven't already.
  7. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Having a diagnosis of bi-polar, adhd, bad medications. and so forth do make things harder. It is also true that there are many people who have disorders that do follow the rules, that don't break the law, that don't lie. Regardless of the underlying reasons, our kids make bad decisions all by themselves.

    We have no control over their behavior. We only have control over how we respond.
  8. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Pasajes, I have to disagree with you. We are responsible to TEACH our kids what they don't learn like other kids do. If they don't get social rules, it us up to US to figure out that's the problem and teach them how to do it. If they explode, we need to figure out why so we can teach them to cope or deal with things more apporpriately. I would HATE for my son to do something illegal and explode at a cop or kill someone and not be able to tell myself I did all I could to teach him what is RIGHT. Once he is 18, yes, I know there is NOTHING I can do UNLESS their are special circumstances.

    Our job as parents is to teach our kids to be productive responsible adults. What kind of lesson are we teaching them if we don't teach them to cope with whatever illness they have? That is just plain sad to let them flounder.
  9. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You are correct. I am in no way implying that we should not teach our children right from wrong or educate them on what to do. We teach/tell, we give opportunities to meet our expectations/societies expectations, we let them know what the possible consequences can be both positive and negative, and we model those behaviors that we want our kids to exhibit. At some point after doing all that we can, it really is up to them. You cannot control someone elses behavior.

    I truly believe that everyone on this site has left no rock unturned in trying to help/teach our kids. Sadly they may decide to to travel a road that we never wanted for our any of our babies.
  10. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    I agree!

    In regards to the car - to me, that is natural consequences. If you cannot be responsible with a car - you cannot have a car. Period. You said it, you discussed it - sell it.

    You asked "WHy can't she see that things would be so much better if she just followed our rules?"....If she can't see it now - you have to show her. She didn't follow the rules - here is the consequence. Eventually (hopefully) she will get it. In the mean time, I think you have to hold very firm....especially in areas that involve safety and safety of others - such as taking a car out without permission.
  11. pamelabs1

    pamelabs1 New Member

    Her Psychologist gave her the diagnosis when she was in the hospital, before that they had her on abilify and talked a little about bi-polar but nothing was ever official. what does an evaluation consist of? Do they do that in the hospital?
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Assuming you're in the US... get a neuropsychologist to do a comprehensive evaluation. Other options include a child developmental/behavioral team out of a children's hospital. We've used PhD-level psychiatrists, too.

    It might take a while to get in. While you are waiting, get an Occupational Therapist (OT) evaluation done for sensory and motor skills issues - this report will be of value to the person doing the comprehensive evaluation, as they don't cover these issues in their testing. Testing will be useful even if it finds nothing... because that result would rule out various other possiblities. Then, see if you can also get a Speech Language Pathologist (SLP) evaluation - this would be screening, not full-on testing, but most audiology specialists want their referals to be pre-screened. Specifically ask for the lesser-known APDs such as auditory figure ground... some of these APDs don't really impact language development, but DO impact their ability to survive in a classroom. Again, results either way will be useful to the comprehensive evaluator.

    The reason you want the comprehensive evaluation is that your child has problems, and has been given a diagnosis based on a short hospital stay, but you need to know if that diagnosis is accurate, and especially whether there are other things going on.