I am so sad

[Nancy]

I thought I was doing better than I am. I am a bundle of emotions today and can't seem to shake this overwhelming feeling of doom. difficult child has signed a lease for an apartment in a very old and run down area. She is moving in on Thursday although she has no furniture, not even a lamp, so I'm not sure what she is going to do. I can't sleep, I keep thinking about all the things she should be thinking about. I'm sure she has no idea what it is going to cost or even how to call to have utilities turned on. My easy child moved into her own apartment in October and husband and I loved helping get her set up but in this case I have no good feelings and I feel bad that I can't help her get started. I can't keep helping her move from place to place and then watching it all fall apart in four months.

She will no longer be surrounded by sober people. One of the things she told me in a text was that she wanted to start a real life. That tells me her real life does not have room for recovery or program meetings.

This is so sad fpr me because it was exacty a year ago when we kicked her out of the house and she was living with the neighbor and I believe St. Patty's Day was the beginning of her bottom when she was in a blackout for two days.

I hate this, I really really hate it. It would be easier if she moved away to another city. I have to stop crying and remembering the 3C's.

She didn't call me for the AA meeting last night and I missed that and it also told me a lot about where her head is.

Nancy

 

[buddy]

HUGS Nancy... really sad. I am so sorry she is going down this path. I pray it will not go to where it was though. But I can understand the fear that it will.

Thinking of you.

 

[DaisyFace]

Nancy--

(((hugs)))

There, there hon....try to calm.

There are a few practical things you needn't bother worrying about:

First, businesses are springing up that arrange your utilities FOR you. No doubt your difficult child will find these online, as well as being advertised in the apartment complex.

Second, websites like freecycle and craigslist are full of free and low-cost furniture - she'll probably end up with a few pieces that are nicer than yours!

Let her figure this one out for herself....there's lots of resources out there.

YOU take care of YOU today!

(I know - easier said than done...)

 

[Signorina]

Oh Nancy, I feel your pain and your worry and I share your sadness.

Your comment about your difficult child wanting to start her "real life" yet not having a clue about utilities, etc struck a familiar chord. My difficult child basically said the same thing. And I also felt that "a first apartment" should've been a celebratory milestone instead of this premature, messed up, rash act. In fact, I ran out to Big Lots & bought sundries-even dish towels for crying out loud- trying to turn it into the milestone I longed for. We all know how that ended...

I can only speak for my difficult child; but he's clueless. My dad used to love to say "there is a right order and a wrong order (to accomplishments), and in THIS family, we do things in the right order" (Yes, he mostly meant marriage before pregnancy-but it still resonated.) My difficult child wants the privileges of a "real life" without any of the responsibilities -without EARNING it. He is skipping over the very steps that make an independent life a doable reality. And I can't change it. Can't accept it. Can't fake thru it. I won't sell my soul and embrace his choices just to avoid losing him.

So - dear friend - YOU take it day by day. Try not to let your thoughts get too far ahead into the "what ifs." Stay grounded in reality but don't worry about what you can't prevent.
This is a loss- mourn the loss. But don't let it take you down. Stay busy. Set a timer to be blue and snap yourself out of it when the time is up. Fake it til you make it--lean on us.

And let's hope her good months stay with her and she realizes what she is losing - sooner rather than later.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[AnnieO]

Nancy, I don't have words of wisdom - but I do have a nice soft shoulder, lots of gentle hugs, and a very bendable ear.

 

[Nancy]

Sig you have explained how I feel so well. How sad that we have had to become friends through this awful reality but I thank god every day that I have friends here who do understand and not only understand but feel it with me. This should be a milestone to be celebrated and it hurts that it is far from that. I would be at big lots too buying household items, helping decorate, stocking the cupboard, taking her grocery shopping for the first time, all the things I did with my easy child and that a mom looks forward to. She is definitely doing this in the "wrong order" and by the way I love your dad just from the things you have said about him. I think she is not doing this on her own but under the influence of some people that are not in recovery and do not have her best interests at heart but see this as a place for them to flop and party. And I will not pay one more penny to enable her to have her party at our expense.

This is one of those times when I have a pit in my stomach and my throat tightens and tears fill my eyes just thinking about so I have to somehow block it out.

Nancy

 

[Tiredof33]

It's rainy today and a good day to feel blue! When we graduated from HS we were considered adults, not these kids. When I think of how much of my life has revolved around my difficult child it makes me mad at myself. Mine certainly doesn't think before he leaps and I am beginning to think he never will.

Try to rest today, hope it gets better.

 

[rejectedmom]

Nancy, just (((HUGS))) -RM

 

[Kathy813]

Nancy, maybe this is just one of the seven relapses. Hopefully she will make it on her own.

You are right that you need to focus on the three C's. When I described how I compartmentalize my difficult child's problems as putting them in a box in my brain and closing the lid to keep them spilling out into the other parts of my life, easy child thought it was funny.

Now, though, when difficult child is causing me pain, easy child always says, "put it in the box, Mom" and it actually helps.

{{{Hugs}}}

~Kathy

 

[Signorina]

I needed to look up the three C's - I am that brain drained today. Here they are:

I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, and I can't Cure it

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Of course not to be confused with the 4 C's of diamond buying - Carat, Cut, Clarity, and Color which also came up in my google search. Excuse me if I am being inappropriate, but I think those 4 C's would help ME cope with my difficult child and as a bonus - diamonds come in their own (lovely velvet) box!

 

[busywend]

Nancy, I can not understand what you are going through, but I, like Step, am here to listen and provide a hug for you today.

I am sorry she just is not getting it yet.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh Nancy my heart aches right along with you... I have so been there. And yes it sounds like she is relapsing. Sigh I wonder if it will ever end. I think you are as strong as you think you are and you are doing well.... only thing is there is a lot of sadness and pain watching our difficult children relapse and do this to themselves. We love them and it just hurts. I have found that sometimes when things are hard, usually after some new screw up by difficult child, that i have to give myself a day to be sad, to stew, to worry, to not get anything done... and then I have to pick myself up and go on. So let today be your sad day... and then find a way to keep going on and let her own her own problems.

Recently as I have been watching my easy child daughter get her drives liscence, get more and more independence, totally rise to the responsibility I have been thinking about the natural order of things. With her it is so natural to give her more freedom, more responsibility as she gets older... and it does feel like the right order of things. My difficult child always wanted the freedom and responsibility without doing anything to earn them.... and we often gave it to him and then had to pull back. Thank goodness he is not living at home because he would be in a rage that we let her use the car when there is no way we would let him use it!!!

Hang in there. I do wish I could come over and take you out for a cup of coffee... and a shoulder to lean on.

TL

 

[recoveringenabler]

Nancy, I am so so sorry about your difficult child's choices and the pain and disappointment it is causing you. I have no words of wisdom other then I so know how you feel, really I do, feeling a lot like you are today too. Hang in there, some days are worse then others, you will feel better soon. Even though we all know what to do, it still hurts like nothing else. I am sorry. Hugs to you.......

 

[Calamity Jane]

Nancy,
It's understandable that you feel overwhelming emotions and anxiety about your daughter right now. But I want you to know that there is hope right here on the board. Do you remember Mama Raygun? She posted recently and she has turned her life around and has given wonderful advice to us here. There's also a post, I beleive on another forum here about a young lady named Betsy who also had success. Betsy's mom just posted an update recently.
Don't despair...say a prayer (I'm a poet and don't even know it). We really are all praying for you and each other. Take care.

 

[AmericanGirl]

[Now, though, when difficult child is causing me pain, easy child always says, "put it in the box, Mom" and it actually helps.]

Kathy...funny you should post this. I've been reading a lot about using a "God Box". I found a small wooden box online with the Serenity Prayer on top. I think I will order it. Whenever difficult child does something big, I can write a note about how I feel and put it away in my box.

 

[Nancy]

AG can you pm me the link for that box? I'm thinking it may help.

Nancy

 

[AmericanGirl]

Done. Hope it helps both of us.

 

[toughlovin]

Send it to me too.

TL

 

[AmericanGirl]

Done.

 

[Kathy813]

Me, too. I found one on Amazon but I am wondering if it is similar to the one that you saw.

Then I would have a mental box and a wooden box. Sig, I would love to have one with diamonds in it. :grins:

~Kathy