I am starting all over

[saving grace]

Well friends our clean run has ended in my house. I have just found out that difficult child has gotten high a "few times" he is severely depressed, his cravings to get high has "returned". He said he doesnt feel normal blah blah blah.
I am finding it very hard to breathe this morning. I knew it, deep down I have suspected something. My gut is always right. I dont know what to do. I told him he needs to call his doctor at the program, but honestly he has been in this program for almost a year. He takes 6 different medications including Suboxone for his opiate addcition, and medications for bipolar and depression. What more can they do for him that they havent already tried.
I thought it was over for me, I thought that it was my turn to live a normal life. I dont know if I can do this again.
I really dont.

Grace

 

[meowbunny]

I'm so sorry. HUGS!!!

 

[everywoman]

So sorry. Those of us who have lived this over and over understand your pain. If you can't do anymore it is understandable--there is a time when we have to let go.Some of us never can. It is different for each of us. If it is your time---you will know it. God bless you and keep you in his arms right now. A big hug for your pain.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Reaching out with big hugs and many prayers.

 

[goldenguru]

Oh grace - I'm so sorry. I know that feeling of "let me off this roller coaster. I don't want to ride anymore". It stinks.

On the bright side at least he is being honest with you - and more importantly himself.

And do remember that AA teaches that setbacks are often part of recovery. Praying this is just a set back.

*sigh*

 

[Ephchap]

Grace,

First of all, big hugs coming your way. We all definitely understand your feeling this way - that you don't know if you can go through it again.

GG is right; setbacks are part of recovery, unfortunately. I know that my son had been out of his 10 month stay at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) about 2 months, and one weekend, got high. He drank, he smoked pot, and then went right for the gusto - found some crack. He called us that night, scared and crying. He knew that he didn't want to go down that road again. In his words, it wasn't "fun" this time; it was scary. Fortuntely for him, that was the last time.

Most do have a relapse. The hope is that they learned from their prior use that they can't continue the behavior. Does your son seem like he wants to stop but is afraid he can't? Does he have a therapist or sponsor that can talk with him?

Again, sending mega hugs. We're here to lean on.
Deb

 

[ck1]

TG you trust your mommy instincts. You'll have to listen closely now and do what's best for you. So sorry this is happening, also sending big hugs.

 

[KFld]

This can be over for you and you can live a normal life. He is choosing to continue this life, not you. Let him know you love him and will be there if someday he can truly turn his life around and then you have to move on and enjoy your life.

Don't allow him to make you live this again. Get to alanon. Do whatever it takes for you!!

I am so sorry. I can't even imagine how I would feel if my son ever relapses again. I know I can tell you what I think you should do, but I can't really say if I could actualy do it if I was in your shoes.

 

[PonyGirl]

oh Grace, so sorry my friend! :warrior:

Any chance difficult child would find any help if he went to AA/NA Meetings??

Many, many (((Hugs))) for you.

Peace

 

[DDD]

I am so very sorry. If I had any words of wisdom I'd be sharing
right now, my friend. All I can assure you is..you are not alone
in your fear, frustration and pain. We all do care and stand at
the ready when you needs us. Hugs. DDD

 

[saving grace]

Well I found out that he had been using a few times in the past couple of months, pretty much when the program stopped testing him weekly and went to bimonthly testing. then he got high Friday and was using all weekend. He was supposed to sit down with me and girlfriend last night and tell all he said he felt bad etc.. well that never happened, he used all day then showed up at the house and went in the bathroom and used again. I locked him out, drove girlfriend home then came home and broke down. I went to bed around midnight took a sleeping pill and finally cried myself to sleep. He found an open window and came in, I didnt know this until this morning as I was leaving to go to work. He never did have any boundaries. I feel so violated that he feels he can just come in my home like that when I have locked him out. I couldnt deal with any drama this morning babygirl was getting ready for school and we were going to work. I came to work and emailed his doctor at the program he is in asking her to call me asap. If I dont hear from her by this afternoon I will call the main number. I hope they have an idea as to what I should do with him. At this point I am crushed. I can barely breathe or even speak. I can not believe I am back in the place, this dark ugly world.
I always had the "if only" thoughts, if only he would get and stay in a program, if only he would be treated for his mental disorders, if only he was away from drugs long enough, if only if only if only. Well none of what I thought would work has, he is still the same addicted beast he had always been.

I am heartbroken
Thank you for being here, you are the only ones who understand what this is like

Grace

 

[KFld]

I'm sorry you are so heartbroken. Can you change the locks and make sure every single window is locked so he cannot get in. You can actually nail the windows shut if you have to for now. You could drill a hole big enough to be able to put a nail in like a pin that you can pull out when you want to open it, when you feel it's safe to do so. There has to be a way you can set boundaries that he will have no choice but to respect, and if that means nailing the windows shut, then do it.

 

[SunnyFlorida]

I'm so, so sorry Grace. I know that fear and that horrible betrayal feeling.
Keep posting...that usually helps.

((((sunny hugs))))

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Grace, honey I am so sorry.

You and your son are in my prayers...

 

[gottaloveem]

I know how devastated you must feel. No matter what, your mommy heart is going to be torn as you worry constantly about your son. I am so sorry he relapsed,and so sorry you have to go through this again. But I will try to see the glass half full. I will keep my fingers crossed that this is a short relapse and he will get back on the right track as soon as possible.

(((((HUGS)))))

 

[totoro]

I am thinking of you during this holiday time... I just hit delete last week on my Father's e-mail to me... it is the reverse of your story. He is the heroin,coke, alcohol, everything addict, been in prison... all of the same stories everyone tells here about there G'sfg.

I may not always have the strength to hit delete, but right now, I have to. for myself and for the rest of my family!!!

Hang in there, hugs.

 

[1905]

((many hugs)). I'm sorry this is happenenig again. Sending support.-Alyssa

 

[standswithcourage]

I completely understand also. We did the same for my son. He also crawled in a window he had already broken out - to get back in after we locked the doors. It is horrible. You feel so crazy having to do what you have to to feel safe and then again your emotions are run dry. Ihope this day has been ok for you. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. Keep my son and fammily inyours also - he is in jail - dont know for how long.

 

[rejectedmom]

I am so sorry that he continuess to inflict pain on you,and yours. turn him loose to take care of himslef. Stay out of his life for a while. He might do things differently if left to himself. -RM