I am starting to lose it

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Oct 6, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi all,

    I took today off from work because I knew yesterday that I really just need a day off.... way too much stress in my life and now that things are more settled I am feeling on the edge.

    Right now what is sending me over the edge is that I can't get any information about my difficult child at the rehab. Apparently he has signed a release for husband and not for me. I am now thinking that was intentional since we first heard that two days ago. I asked husband to call them this morning and then he was called into work early... he tried to call before 9 but didn't get anywhere. He is really stressed at work and so wanted me to try again and I just did.... I mean this is usually part of my role and its stupid that husband now has to do this.

    So I just called and got nowhere. I understand about releases..... and I know the drill. It is clear from my conversation with them that there is not a release signed for me but is for husband. If husband had been here they would have talked to him and they highly recommend that he call.

    Something was said at alanon the other night that really struck me. We were talking about fantasies and illusions. One person said that an illusion is that somehow we can love them enough to help them.... when in fact our love may just make them feel more guilty... and ultimately it is not what makes the difference.

    I think this is exactly what is going on with my difficult child. I just want him to know he is loved and I let him know that but he is in this dark place and all it does is make him feel guilty and ashamed... which of course is not my intention at all.

    I think by not signing a release for me (but one for husband) he is telling me I really need to back off.... and darn I am trying so hard to back off and i have so much and now I have to back off even more?????

    I just want to know after that phone call the other night that he is ok and that he is where he should be. It is so hard when you can't see the place, that you only know 2nd hand what the place is like. I know the people on the phone have been nice, they clearly are professional, and they certainly are clear about hippa laws and releases... and they have good marketing info.... but still I don't really know what the place is like.

    It just hurts so much.

    OK I need to get myself together, go take a shower, have some breakfast and read a good book.

  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    Yes, do something for YOU today! Mental health day!! You need to let go right now, but you know that. It is a great thing that he is there - keep thinking of that and be grateful. (((HUGUS)))
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It's a beautiful sunny day here, much different than the non-stop rain we have had for two weeks. I hope it's nice where you are so you can go out and enjoy the sunshine. I'm not going to tell you to stop worrying because that never worked for me. When your child hurts you hurt and the unknown is often worse than the reality. Hopefully your husband will make contact with them soon and you can find some answers. In the meantime, he is safe.

    by the way when difficult child was in her treatment center she tried to leave with several other former residents that came for a visit. It was a Saturday visiting hours and we had not gone because we were making the three hour round trip the next day for family program. We got a call from the nursing staff telling us difficult child was in the parking lot with several other young people and trying to leave and that's all she could tell me because difficult child had withdrawn her release to talk to us. There we were 90 minutes away and helpless. I begged them to talk to me and they wouldn't. I got a nurse who felt sorry for me and told me several counselors had run out after her and were attempting to convince her to stay but she couldn't tell me anything else. It was agony waiting until we got a call from her, the counselor convinced her to call us because we were very upset. She agreed to resign the consent release and she did end up staying there. I know what you are going through and I'm sorry.

  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think you're right about his reasons for not signing the release for you. For whatever reason, this may be what *he* needs in order to get and stay sober. At least he signed a release for husband, so you won't be completely in the dark (even though it feels that way at this particular moment). Your "rescue response" is being cut off at the pass and I know that feels totally unnatural.. but honestly it may be what *you* need in order to continue your own "recovery." Keep going to al-anon, read some codependency books (Codependent No More is excellent, I re-read that often), and do your best to focus on you and what you can do, vs. what you can't do. Stay busy. Remember that "no news is good news" ... if he's still there, he's on the right path. Nothing you can do or say will change that one way or the other.

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks for the quick responses... yeah he is really putting me in a position where I can't rescue him and that is probably a good thing. I can't help but wonder if somehow he isn't really fighting it now and not cooperating... but hey he really has no place to go down there... and the people he does know from his last treatment will probably help him stay on track.... so I just need to keep letting go.. I am just not good at waiting and seeing. But you are all right at least I know he is in a safe place and that is much better than where we have been before.
  6. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    You have to stay busy and put your focus on YOU, which I know is easier said than done in these situations. When I really don't feel like going to work because of a Kat issue, I go and once I get busy my mind focuses on that and not the mess that is my daughter. If I'm not at work I start walking the dogs when I feel like I am ready to jump out of my skin. About 10 or 15 minutes into it I literally feel the stress leave my body and my mind clear. I keep walking- for about 45 minutes to an hour and I am like a new person. I have also been known to do deep cleaning and organizing of my house and yard, which I hate, but it has the same effect on me when I am losing it. Plus when I'm done I look around and see what I have accomplished and that makes me feel good. Stay busy and keep your mind off your difficult child- he has to get through this himself, however that is. And the best thing you can do for him is to be healthy and sane! Hang in there, things will get better!
  7. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    It is hard, and you won't stop worrying.

    You can't rescue him, you can't save him from himself, you can't do this for him. (there were days that this was my mantra with bff)

    You can, however, do things to help you feel better. Take a long walk. Go out for coffee with a close friend and catch up. Have a girls night out with dinner and a movie. You and husband have a date night. Curl up in your favorite chair and hunker down with a good book.

    You know he's safe, he's where he needs to be. So while he's there, try to do what you can to enjoy the difficult child "down time" and make the most of it. Supporting difficult child in his efforts to become clean and sober does not mean you have to spend every moment of the day worrying and focused on it. If you take care of yourself along the way, you'll be in a better place to offer support when he does need it.

  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You know, I think this might be for the best. If you keep being in such close contact where you are calling every other day or so like he was still a teen, how is he going actually learn to self advocate as an adult? Maybe he just needs to do this alone.
  9. AHF

    AHF Member

    For us it was the opposite--he signed the release for me but not for his dad. And yet he knew that I would pass all info on to his dad. One thing we tend to forget, I think, is how completely thoughtless our difficult children are. We assume there's some motivation behind a certain action, like not signing the release for you, when in fact it's a stray moment of hostile thinking that passes 30 seconds later, and they don't stop to think of the emotional harm in the wake of such an action. So try to take this lightly, if you can.
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks all...well my husband called and we are both now on the releases...he left a message for the therapist with our home number. Sounds like they just have a strict policy on releases so my bet is it was an oversight on difficult children part. Will know more when i speak to the therapist...but i have a little more peqce of mind.