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I am the mother of a beautiful 19 year old daughter. Her father was emotionally and verbally abusive
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 748546" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear Tornn2</p><p></p><p>Welcome. Your story has elements of my own when I was a teen, and also that of my son, and my relationship with him.</p><p></p><p>I had an abusive stepfather. Your description of the way your ex treated your daughter made me remember things in my own past, that I suppress.</p><p></p><p>And my own son has had difficulty coping, several hospitalizations, a hard time launching, etc. He is now 30 and pretty much homeless. It is very, very hard to watch a beloved adult child struggle, and feel pretty much powerless to help them. It triggers me. The sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness is hard to bear. And guilt.</p><p></p><p>Let me just write a couple things to respond to you.</p><p></p><p>I agree. Your daughter is an adult. You are limited to the influence that she allows you. I had abusive relationships when I was her age. She, like I did, will learn in time that she has value and options. Meanwhile, you are staying in her corner and you are there to support her when she is ready. What more can you do?</p><p></p><p>You are going through this with her. And it is triggering you, too. All of us believe that on some level we bear some responsibility for what our children experienced, and their inability to come to grips with it. This brings up a boundary issue for us. What is our child's distress? And what is our own distress? Can the two really be separated? How? </p><p></p><p>This is where it becomes useful to be in therapy and/or to go to a 12 step program like Al Anon or Codependents Anonymous or AA. Because bottom line we can only deal with our own life (or not.)</p><p></p><p>All of us here on this site, struggle with dealing with our child's pain, and how it affects us, until we see that the only way we can respond in a constructive way is to define the work in terms of ourselves.</p><p></p><p>Many of us find that our adult children respond favorably when we begin to live in a way that improves our own well-being, and that does include setting appropriate healthy boundaries about how their conduct and lifestyles affects us.</p><p></p><p>Your daughter is an adult woman. She can and will make her own choices. But you, as another adult woman, can make your own. However difficult to do, you can choose to orient your life, your thoughts, your activities, etc. to that which makes you happy, and you get to the point that you feel you are doing things that give you meaning, and well-being. I believe that is the purpose of this site.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 748546, member: 18958"] Dear Tornn2 Welcome. Your story has elements of my own when I was a teen, and also that of my son, and my relationship with him. I had an abusive stepfather. Your description of the way your ex treated your daughter made me remember things in my own past, that I suppress. And my own son has had difficulty coping, several hospitalizations, a hard time launching, etc. He is now 30 and pretty much homeless. It is very, very hard to watch a beloved adult child struggle, and feel pretty much powerless to help them. It triggers me. The sadness, anxiety, and hopelessness is hard to bear. And guilt. Let me just write a couple things to respond to you. I agree. Your daughter is an adult. You are limited to the influence that she allows you. I had abusive relationships when I was her age. She, like I did, will learn in time that she has value and options. Meanwhile, you are staying in her corner and you are there to support her when she is ready. What more can you do? You are going through this with her. And it is triggering you, too. All of us believe that on some level we bear some responsibility for what our children experienced, and their inability to come to grips with it. This brings up a boundary issue for us. What is our child's distress? And what is our own distress? Can the two really be separated? How? This is where it becomes useful to be in therapy and/or to go to a 12 step program like Al Anon or Codependents Anonymous or AA. Because bottom line we can only deal with our own life (or not.) All of us here on this site, struggle with dealing with our child's pain, and how it affects us, until we see that the only way we can respond in a constructive way is to define the work in terms of ourselves. Many of us find that our adult children respond favorably when we begin to live in a way that improves our own well-being, and that does include setting appropriate healthy boundaries about how their conduct and lifestyles affects us. Your daughter is an adult woman. She can and will make her own choices. But you, as another adult woman, can make your own. However difficult to do, you can choose to orient your life, your thoughts, your activities, etc. to that which makes you happy, and you get to the point that you feel you are doing things that give you meaning, and well-being. I believe that is the purpose of this site. [/QUOTE]
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I am the mother of a beautiful 19 year old daughter. Her father was emotionally and verbally abusive
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