I am the worst daughter in the world

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by OnBehalfOfGFGs, Feb 6, 2014.

  1. OnBehalfOfGFGs

    OnBehalfOfGFGs New Member

    I understand everyone reading this thread is a parent. I started reading these to know how my parents would feel when they find out I have committed credit card fraud against them. One for 800 and another for 3,000 and I think this is the last straw. Yes this was not the first time. I need to get this off my chest. I need advice.I need help. So I want to begin by saying that I am the worst daughter ever. I feel so horrible for what I have done to my parents. I have stolen money from my parents on several occasions thousands of dollars. But I think this last straw will be when they find out I maxed out two credit cards I put in their names. I started stealing money when I was very young, it began as 10bucks and then grew with my age. when I was 18 in college I stole 2 grand from my father he found out and forgave me. I'm not on drugs, I am however dropped out of school. I'm 22 years old. My parents were strict with me growing up. I didnt go many places or have many friends. There were no bad influences. Everything was me, me on my own. Sometimes I feel like there is an evil spirit in me. I love my parents. They work hard, they are all I have, I dont know why I continue to betray them. I finally have been completely honest with them and have been living back home working two jobs and paying off my debts for 2 months straight. I found God again. I go to church every Sunday and I hope to meet and marry a God fearing man some day. The only thing I didnt tell them about was the credit card debts. I figured if I just work and pay it off, by the time they find out it will be paid off and they wont be as mad. But my Dad got a letter in the mail saying his account is delinquent. And now I think he is suspicious. They finally have given me another chance and now what I did back in August is catching back up with me. I think I will be ruined if he finds out its me before I pay it off. I wouldnt even want to see the heartbreak in his eyes. I hope he gets angry and beats me because that would be better than forgiving me and allowing me to live in their house longer, I dont deserve it. I cant deal with this pain in my heart anymore. A part of me wants them to press charges against me. Maybe going to jail is what I need. But then the other part of me doesnt want a felony on my record, I'll never be able to have a decent job or leave the country to travel, not even vote. Should I ruin my whole life over 4 thousand dollars....
    I feel horrible. I contemplate suicide all the time. Why should I live? I obviously lack the ability to take care of myself without using the people who love me. I do have dreams. But with all this on my mind I cant. I dont know what to do...Let me add that when I first got the cards I had a job and was in school, I needed the money to get on my feet. Buy things for my apt and what not. My parents refused to ever give me money again cause I just got in trouble for a DUI and they didnt want me moving out and risk getting in trouble again. But I couldnt live in my parents house. They were too strict. At 22 years old they still tell me when to go to bed. They still moniter the type of TV shows that I am allowed to watch, and by the way they are immigrants, I dont wanna say where from but lets just say I'm the first generation of my family to not have an accent.....I deviate though.....Side note: I always planned on paying it off before they noticed but then I lost the job and my grades slipped and my world started crumbling. So I moved back home and here I am. I wish I could go back in time....
    I just had to get this off my chest....If I dont commit suicide, I will die of hypothermia form sleeping outside....
     
  2. BackintheSaddle

    BackintheSaddle Active Member

    Thanks for writing, OBO...I think you found a good group of people to give advice if you really want it...it's hard to tell the order of things but it sounds like guilt is eating you alive...suicide is not the answer-- if you worry about the expression on your father's face from seeing the credit card bills, just imagine what losing you forever would do to both of your parents? you seem able to have empathy for them and think about how they might feel...from what you describe, you mean the world to them and though they are strict, they have been there for you through some rough times...I think you should 'come clean' with them and tell them what happened...it was awhile ago (half a year), have you done anything to regret since or was that a turning point for you? you sound like you're truly sorry and want to change but need to face what you did in your recent past, thank your parents for all their support and demonstrate to them that you've changed...I'm sure you've seen people say in here that it's the actions not the words that matter...that's what tells people you really want to change and for things to be different...if I read your message right, you are working 2 jobs now and prioritizing paying off those debts, is that right? that will be important for them to know...I know for me that would go a long way in convincing me that you really want things to be different- if you're being honest with yourself about how hard you're working and what you're doing with your money...you have a history of abusing alcohol and you say your father got a delinquent payment notice...if you're working 2 jobs and prioritizing paying off those bills, how did the payment become delinquent?

    it sounds like you're in a really hard place of recognizing your past mistakes and what they've done to your parents...keep working on that...it's hard to face things we've done wrong but it's also a great way to grow up and better realize the woman you want to be...you can start living your dreams through your actions now...what are your values? do you want to be thought of as an honest woman who pays her debts and takes responsibility for her actions? what do you want people to see you as? I'm sure there are a lot of people who love you and would want you to get help for how you feel right now and want to support you through making positive changes

    I also wanted to ask if you've ever gotten counseling? you sound like you're really struggling and could be depressed to the point of really need medications...and some of your actions seem to suggest there might be other things going on...given how suicidal you feel, I hope you'll consider going right away somewhere to talk to someone...call the suicide hotline (http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)-- it's free, confidential, and the people you'd talk to would know how to help you...go to your local mental health center (or substance abuse treatment center if that's more what you need-- are you still drinking? using drugs?)...tell your parents just how bad you feel about this so they can help you...tell a friend, particularly someone older...don't let this mistake cause you to do something that would be far worse on your parents than any credit card debt

    I hope you'll keep posting so we can help you think things through...this is not a problem worth losing your life over...let's figure out together how you can get the help you need to completely change your life for the better...I'm sorry you're feeling so bad right now...but it will pass and you will feel better someday soon

    ((((Hugs)))))
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there.

    I feel badly for your parents. I think you should own up to what you did and rather than paying them back and ducking out of letting them know, be brave and tell them the truth and let the natural consequences fall where they may.

    If you are really sorry and want to change, my biggest recommendation is serious therapy. It is a lot of hard work to change. I was no sterling daughter and I had to change, and worked very hard at it, although stealing that amount of money never crossed my mind.I had a mood disorder and borderline personality traits...you may too. Once I knew what was going on, I could read about the problems, work hard in therapy, and change. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. You have the same choice. I still am on medication and go to therapy diligently because I know I am "wired differently" and need a tune up at times...lol. I tend to get depressed without my medication and tune-ups. I am 60 now. I have worked my tail off to be a good person all these years.

    I think it would probably be a good thing if you got a job...any job...and moved out, even if that means renting a room in somebody's house. That way you and your parents have some space from one another and you are learning to be a productive, independent adult.

    You are lucky your parents didn't call the police. At your age, with what you did, I would have. So your parents are less harsh on you than I would have been.

    If this sounds tough it's because you don't need kindness right now. You need a kick in the pants to show you how you are making horrible choices and need to get help TODAY. This is no time to feel sorry for yourself. This is the time to realize that you have GOT to turn your life around and that you can not do it without serious professional help.

    Otherwise, I can tell you that the worst thing you can do to your parents is to commit suicide. The best thing you can do is to start living a socially acceptable, productive, clean life in which you work hard on your moral compass.

    Please tell your parents the truth and get serious help for yourself. If you don't know why you do the things that you do, you need to find out why and how to stop doing them before you end up in jail for stealing from somebody else.

    Sending you vibes of hope...you can do it. If you want to do it. It is 100% up to you to find the right help and decide you are not going to steal again...ever. Nobody can do that for you. Only you can and, yes, it is possible.
     
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    Last edited: Feb 7, 2014
  4. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Onbehalf, I am glad you are posting here too. I have a 24 year old son who has made many mistakes, some much worse than what you describe here. One thing I have told him is there is forgiveness.

    And there is forgiveness for you. I can't guarantee what your parents will say or do right now---of course they will be angry.
    But if they see honesty first and foremost, and sincere and consistent progress (not perfection) on a healthy path where you are taking responsibility for your own life, I believe there will be forgiveness in time. Of course, they love you so much. Without having children yourself yet, you can't even imagine how much they love you and how broken they have likely been over your choices. If you are in church and studying the Bible, remember the story of the Prodigal Son.

    That is what we want for our adult children, that they are being honest and that they are making progress. That they are turning, and walking in a new, positive, healthy direction. Not perfect, but progress.

    And first, you must forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. Nobody gets through in life without making lots of mistakes---we don't talk about this enough, but we are all struggling in our own way.

    I am encouraged by your post. I hear a lot of honesty there. That is such a good first step, onbehalf.

    Suicide is not the answer. Help is. There is so much help available for people who really want it. Believe me, as a parent, I have had to get lots of help. I can't do this on my own, and quite frankly, most of us in the world need help at some time or another.

    And if you have to move out of your parents' home suddenly, as someone here suggested, rent a room, share an apartment with several friends from your church or look into a halfway house If you are using alcohol to excess, realize that IS a drug and will lead you nowhere good. Some people can't drink at all, and that is just the way it is. Get help for that if you need to.

    There are inexpensive ways you can live outside your parents home temporarily. Working two jobs is so good---you are keeping busy and you are being responsible.

    Slow down. Get help. Be honest. Forgive yourself. Keep coming back here for support. You're not alone in this world. Blessings and prayers for you today.
     
  5. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    difficult child,

    YOu are trying to control and manipulate your parents by withholding information from them so they will think well of you when you have done crappy things to them. Nothing honest in that. I get that you have regret, but you aren'w willing to deal with the consequences. YOur parents have a right to be angry, to throw you out, to have you arrested, or whatever they choose. YOu opened that pandora's box, now you don't get to control the results.

    You don't like your parents rules? Guess what, all safe housing has a price, and you have to pay it or you don't get to live there. In some places its "RENT" but since you can't do that it isn't an option. In other places its following house rules..even rentals have house rules. I don't care if you are 22, you live in their house and you live off of them and if they want you to jump up and down three times every time you see them, that is the rule you have to abide by if you live in the house. YOu don't get to pick, excpet you can choose to live in another place.

    You can't afford it? Find some one to share a room with. Rent a dorm room at a local school for the summer. Find a job that comes with housing. Be a nanny or a housekeeper.

    Lots of choices you are refusing to make because it is easier to live in your parents house, steal from them, and complain about their rules.

    You asked, I'm answering.
     
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  6. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    and difficult child? "I have been completely honest with them" and "I just didn't tell them about my credit card debts" don't belong in the same paragraph.
     
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  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    "It's only $4000. I don't want to ruin my life for that small amount of money." Um, small? Really? And you must have wanted it an awful lot because you stole it. I'm not big on sugarcoating things. That doesn't help difficult children get their lives together.

    Moms, sound familiar? ONLY $4000?

    If you don't want to ruin your life, DON'T RUIN YOUR LIFE!

    It's your choice. And agree about the house rules. Their house/their rules.

    Now tell them the truth and face the music. That's how you become a grown up. We are not going to tell you ways to soften what you did. We've already had to do tough love to our own kids and I see trouble for you if you don't stop looking for sympathy and justifying your behavior and start doing something positive to help yourself.
     
  8. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Honey, you already know how your parents will feel. You have done this, before. You wrote us to learn whether there was an angle you hadn't tried, already.

    Yes, there is.

    Can you understand this is not about your parents. There will come a day when it won't be heartache you will see in your father's eyes, but cold realization.

    At that point, your father will declare his freedom. Not from you. This has never been about you, difficult child. Your father will come to his senses. He will realize you are grown, and that you are who you choose to be. If he is like we are, here, he will simply turn away. We are not stupid or blind. We see what our children are doing. What we do not see is that our children are not who we believe them to be. They are not the children we cherished, not the children we sacrificed our own lives for, not the children we raised.

    All love, difficult child, is mostly the wish to love. Is mostly the decision to cherish, to sacrifice for, to celebrate over.

    Once a parent sees...there is a coldness that comes, difficult child.

    Right now, you envision oh, the pain of seeing (one more time) the heartache in your father's eyes. It will be a strange day for you, difficult child, when you look into your father's eyes (if you ever do again, once he sees) and realize there is nothing there, at all. Not pain, not love, not even curiosity.

    Though you do not know it now, that will be the true cost of the actions you take today, difficult child.

    You can turn this around. You can change the course of your life, difficult child. You know right from wrong. You begin by doing the small things right. Every smallest step in a good direction will take you to a different, better place than the one you are heading for, this morning.

    Every smallest step, difficult child.

    Believe me when I tell you this has nothing to do with your parents.

    You are weaving your own future difficult child, with every step you take.

    Cedar

    P.S. Knowing what the flavor of our responses was likely to be, you described your situation honestly and invited our comments. This means you have courage, difficult child.

    You have everything you need, to make these changes.

    If you keep posting here, we can help.

    ***********

    "Til the first friend dies, we think ecstasy impersonal, but then discover that he was the cup from which we drank it, itself as yet unknown."

    J Krishnamurti
     
  9. Sabine

    Sabine Member

    One of the most helpful things you can do right now, is spend some time writing a little story.

    Pencil to paper (or wordperfect, doesn't matter).. write a story about a guy named Bob and all the thoughts and events that surrounded him when he decided to steal the identity of an unrelated neighbor, "Mrs. Potts". Make sure Bob doesn't really know Mrs. Potts, she's just a nice little lady down the street. What happens to Mrs. Potts? What happens to Bob?

    If you can take yourself out of your skin, and think of the situation objectively (from an impartial observer's point of view), it should help you know what you should do in this situation.

    Write your plan down, rehearse. Take your embarrassment and squish it under your shoe, because embarrassment keeps you from doing the right thing.. every. single. time. Being an adult means dropping your embarrassment outside when there's work to be done inside.

    When you've done all the work, sit down with your parents, and tell them what you've done. Tell them your plan as to how to make it right. Have a backup plan in case they kick you out. Have clean underwear in case they call the cops. It would show good faith (and lessen the likelihood of them calling the cops) if you give them YOUR ENTIRE PAYCHECKS at the time of the meeting.

    You are correct that $4k isn't that much money (to die or go to jail over), but if you are only earning 12k a year, and have to spend 11k on housing and food, it's going to take you 4 years to pay it back, and that's assuming no interest! Add interest, and it'll take you a decade to pay it back. How long has it been since you were 12? A decade is a long time! $4k is a LOT of money for a young adult.

    Best thing to do is get your own credit card, transfer the balances to it, move out, keep the jobs, and your destiny is completely on your own shoulders. Get some financial counseling (in addition to all the other types already mentioned).

    Your parents have put their time and effort in to get to the financial place they are at. You can't expect to start out living as comfortably as they are. It just doesn't work that way. You have to get used to eating ramen noodles and canned beans instead of steak and asparagus. You don't go buy a bookshelf, you use concrete blocks and 2x4s. THAT is the reality of young adulthood. Create a budget, and live within it. Period.

    IF your parents are kind enough to give you "one last chance", have your employers send them your checks directly. Ask your parents for gas money and tampon money. Live without purchasing a THING until you've worked off the debt. Once the debt is paid off, ask your parents to continue holding your money until you've earned enough for a security deposit and some start-up cash (maybe 1000). By that time, you've gotten accustomed to not buying anything, and you'll be able to make better choices.

    Practice going to the grocery store (with NO money on you), look at what there is, and how much it costs. Figure out the cheapest way to eat, make a plan. When you go out on your own, you can be ready.
     
  10. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    I'm curious about whether you are paying rent or contributing to food while living at home. Because at 22 you certainly should be.
     
  11. OnBehalfOfGFGs

    OnBehalfOfGFGs New Member

    Thank you for your kind words. I do believe I should seek help. The reason he is receiving a letter that it is delinquent is because I missed 2 months of payments after a few months of not working. I had the account made so that everything was electronic so he never received any notices. One of his other credit card companies sent him a letter in the mail saying that because his credit score has dropped so quickly because of a delinquent account he had that they could not continue their service to him as well. He has no idea that the delinquent account is from me.

    Moving out is not an option right now. Every dime goes to paying a debt. I dont even have my cell phone on.I dont think I'm addicted to drinking or anything, I havent had a drink since new years and I dont know when the next time I will drink will be and I'm not counting down days or anything. I actually didnt plan on drinking until my debts are paid off and I'm in a happier place and who knows when that will be. The only explanation can be that something is wrong with me mentally. What other sane person does these evil things to their own parents?

    I will continue working and paying off my depts, hopefully I will be able to pay it off sooner than later. I want to be an honest woman. There are not many people who love me except for my parents and I hope I dont loose their love too.

    I will not be commiting suicide. Yesterday the guilt was really eating me alive but writing my story and reading other parents stories made me feel even worse about considering that as an option.They only have 2 children my brother and I, they dont deserve to loose a child. I am going to seek help. I need it. God has helped me get to the point I'm at now and realise my mistakes. I think a counselor will help me never to make these mistakes again and also help me come clean to my parents. I am afraid. I see someone commented that I was brave but I'm not I'm scared. I am going to seek help asap and tell you all how it goes. I am so thankful that I was led to this site. Thank u for the hug, I needed that.
     
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  12. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Onbehalfofgfg's..........it took courage to tell on yourself. Perhaps that is a rehearsal for the next step, to tell your parents the truth. I am old enough to be your grandmother so I am going to give you my "elder" advice here...........to the degree that you continue to lie, or lie by omission, or keep secrets, or manipulate or whatever you do to avoid the truth...........pieces of your life will not work, those pieces will be contaminated by this black hole of dishonesty you hold within you. We all have to face the pockets of lies or denial or untruths within us, that is part of the human experience and certainly a part of growing up to be a healthy and successful adult. The more difficult it is to do, the larger the relief you will feel afterwards, even if you face some dire consequences..........you will be free of the lie. Each lie destroys a part of us, it takes a toll you can't see and sometimes don't feel............yet............but there is always a price to pay.

    The remarkable thing is that you can change all of that in an instant by walking directly into the lions den and admitting what you've done. Having done that quite a few times myself, I can tell you this...........you will feel an instant and gratifying sense of lightness and liberation once the black hole of lies is revealed. You will free yourself and you will free your parents................because most of us parents really do know the truth, we just don't want to face it............so your lies hurt them so much more then if you bit the bullet and owned up to all of it. As angry as they may be, they will be free of it and it will be over.............then you can all move on and heal...........

    Life is a series of lessons...........we face them and we move on. Here is another piece that I know to be true...........when you don't deal with something, when you purposefully deny the reality and bury your darkness.............in short order,what was once a relatively small issue, will get much bigger and much uglier as you hide from the truth. With each step in that direction, you can be assured that the lie will grow and grow until it takes over your life and you get buried underneath it.............summon up your courage, own up to what you've done and face whatever the fallout is. You can then respect yourself and make changes.

    Show up, pay attention, tell the truth and let go of the outcome. That is called the Four Fold Way. A Native American conflict resolution guide. Use it and go do it. If you don't, you will justify doing the same exact thing again and again until in reality all you are is a lying thief.
     
    Last edited: Feb 7, 2014
  13. OnBehalfOfGFGs

    OnBehalfOfGFGs New Member

    I hope that this is not the last chance before my parents turn their hearts cold against me. I want to do better. I want to be better. It seems as though those 2 months the money flew by so quick. If I could go back in time I would never have did it, it wasnt worth it at all. But I cant go back in time and I just hope my future is brighter. Thats the only thing keeping me going, hope for a better future. I have made changes and I will continue to make changes. Thank you for your advice.
     
  14. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    [quote="OnBehalfOfGFGs, post: 619565, member: 17669"

    I am afraid. I see someone commented that I was brave but I'm not I'm scared. I am going to seek help asap and tell you all how it goes. I am so thankful that I was led to this site. Thank u for the hug, I needed that.

    [/quote]

    So proud of you, difficult child.

    We are all afraid every day, honey. You can do this. We will be honored to walk through this part with you.

    Small steps in the right direction, and everything in your life will change.

    I am thankful you came here, too.

    Cedar
     
  15. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Know what? You don't have to go back in time. But you do have to claim this time, now. Your parents are still alive. Whether they turn you out, whether they want to see you again or not, you have the incredible, life changing opportunity to look into their eyes and speak the words "I betrayed you. I am so sorry."

    So many kids never have that opportunity. By the time they finally get it? There is no more time.

    Behave with courage, difficult child. If your parents turn you out, you will figure out a way to live on your own. There are shelters. You can work from there. It won't be easy, but you can do it.

    You can come back from this.

    You can turn every single thing about this time in your life around.

    Whether you know it, whether it feels like it or not, you are fortunate, difficult child.

    But you are balancing on a razor's edge. The choices you make now will define you for the rest of your life.

    Do what you know to be right in every smallest thing. If you do, the big things will take care of themselves.

    One way or another, your parents will recover from whatever you choose, next. We are talking about you here, about your life. Believe me honey, everything goes past so fast, so fast. There is so much loss, so much pain.

    Turn it around now, while you still can.

    Cedar
     
  16. Childofmine

    Childofmine trying to do this thing one day at a time Staff Member

    Stay with your fear and don't bury it, hide from it, turn away from it or call it something else. Stay with it. Let it wash over you. Just sit there and let it come. It feels like your stomach is falling away from you and you might even get dizzy and cry. You will ache inside.

    But you know what. You won't die from it. And because you have faced it, felt it, owned it, and looked it in the face----and accepted it-----as a part of yourself, you will grow from this experience.

    I really, really believe that fear is our most limiting factor---all of us---difficult children, pcs, everybody. We are all afraid.

    And we do a lot of crazy things because of our fear. We are afraid that our fear will scare us to death (no pun intended), and we think we can't survive it. But we can.

    This single act has helped me grow so much as a person, and to realize I have made many decisions, reactions, actions out of fear.

    I don't want to do that anymore. I want to move from a position of love, strength, generosity and courage.

    I believe you do, too, but you don't know how yet. You are so young, and you have a chance---TODAY---to start learning such valuable lessons many of us don't even glimpse until we are halfway or more than halfway through our lives.

    There is good that comes from bad, if only we will seek it, look for it, and claim it.

    I know you can do this. Like so many have said, it starts with being still, being honest, being ready to face the consequences, whatever they are---without going back to the old ways.

    You are going to be okay. I just know it.

    More blessings and prayers for you today.
     
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