I am "trash".

[Shari]

I think I'm going to email the nurse back and ask her to smell difficult child in the morning when we get to school. I can go in and give her something and she can give him a hug without him knowing. Then, if he does smell, she can maybe tell me of what. If he doesn't, I have her statement. I won't do a darn thing different in the morning than what we usually do.

Can't hurt to ask and attempt to cover my hiney.

 

[KTMom91]

Sounds like you're getting all the ducks in a row. Many hugs.

 

[gcvmom]

Maybe she just needs to wipe that stuff out from under her nose that seems to be elevated a wee bit too high in the air... then her sniffer will work like the rest of ours do... gawd!

Short of that, you could always send him in with his own personal spray bottle of Axe! Bet they'd LUUUUUV that!

 

[Shari]

OMG, difficult child used AXE and TAG and about killed us all....

 

[Marguerite]

It sounds like you handled it really well.

We went through this when difficult child 1 broke up with his first girlfriend when he was 15. He stopped looking after himself, would wear dirty, crumpled clothes and not use deordorant. Let his fingernails grow to Howard Hughes proportions. I had to threaten to wash his hair for him, threaten to hold him down and cut his nails for him. If I raided his room to wash his clothes and change his bedding, he got upset with me because even if I put them all back dry at the end of the day before he got home, he couldn't sleep properly because they didn't feel or smell right to him.

I finally said to him (because he was 15) that if he didn't start adapting to this necessary change, I would go into the bathroom with him and I'd bathe him and wash his hair. At that time he also stank because of encopresis, I had to keep reminding him to go to the toilet. He would hold on for so long (a week or more) that the impurities would be coming out his pores and be on his breath.

A suggestion - boys stink, especially in puberty. Yours isn't there yet, but with no perfumes, any smells will not be masked so you need to work extra hard.

So a vital item to have in the laundry - a mist spray bottle filled with white vinegar. Spray it onto any garment that is affected with protein-based smells or stains (urine, BO, fecal stains or smells). Do it as soon as you put that item in the laundry, it won't matter if it dries on before it gets washed. Even better - train the kids to mist their own clothing. If it's really bad, you then put it to soak in warm water (blood-heat) and enzyme pre-soak, overnight. Then wash. It should eliminate any smells.

Find an essential oil you can cope with, and use it to add to the final wash. Alternatively, put a drop onto a swatch of cloth and put it into the washing machine. It should provide an alternative smell. But only if there is something that you can tolerate.

Teeth - you can get tooth powder, you can even make your own. I'll go digging for recipes. Sodium bicarbonate is a good substitute. So is salt. You just dip the toothbrush in salt, and scrub. Rinse thoroughly and don't swallow any of it, or you will get VERY thirsty!

Shari, you are doing the best you can, probably better than a lot of others would do under the same circumstances.

Hang in there.

Marg

 

[Shari]

I know toothpaste is a relatively "new" thing, and I've heard that baking soda was used before it was a common household item, but I wasn't sure how to use it, and his dentist is fine with our little ACT rinse routine, so I didn't go digging. But if there's a relatively flavorless way to do it better, I'm all for it!
***
We did our usual morning prep, didn't do anything extra, and I took him in this morning and the school nurse gave him a big hug. He was even wearing his coat, which has a potential to smell, and she really tried, and she could not find anything offensive. She then apologized again, because she had sent the email without first checking him for herself.
***
I asked her if she would randomly check him and keep me posted, because I am very concerned about this. I most certainly do not want him to smell bad. He has enough issues going on; he doesn't need that piled on top of them. And I don't want someone wrongly accusing me of not taking care of my child, either. There are more pristine children out there, I'm sure. But this one is not neglected and smelly.
***
I make a special trip to the city to buy his soap and laundry detergent, for crying out loud. Do neglectful parents who don't bother to wash their kids& drive 60 miles extra just to get special detergent and soap for their kid?
***
I didn't really think it, but my mom and exMIL both think this is a devious ploy. And exMIL used to work in this district with some of these people. I guess I;m kind of shocked that she would suggest that. I thought people in this profession would be above games like that. For her mind to go there tells me that its entirely possible. Tho I still would rather beleive that's not happening here.

 

[Star*]

Shari -

I don't put ANYTHING past school people any more. Not after the carp we endured with Dude. And belive me if a kid with encopreses can get through a school year without a report for THAT.....but has a little girl hit him with her purse because she likes him and he grabs the strap to avoid being hit again, breaks it and the principal calls the police? Yeah - they're turds.

I recently had an opportunity in a general meeting to be around Dudes middle school principal that felt the need to call the police over that stupid purse incident and he was alone. Dude recognized him, but didn't rush over to say hello. Neither did I. At one point we're pretty sure he was uncomfortable being outnumbered or alone - and did the "Hey I remember you." speil to Dude and then looked at me and called ME by Dudes last name Mrs..X (married name) which infuriates me but I let it go. And I said "So you remember us? Wow - that's something. WE've spent the last five years trying to forget you." and turned around and showed him my back.

He was a power hungry jerk - and I have NO reason on this earth to chit chat with a

What goes around - comes around. You handled this situation beautifully.

And no - Mothers that drive 60 extra miles to get special laundry detergent are not bad Moms.

Laundry tip - Dreft with 20 mule team borax can be gotten nearly any store and has no smell. BUT that 20 mule team borax if put into any laundry load can even eliminate "skid" marks and their smells.

 

[Shari]

I never even thought of Borax! I have to go to the grocery tonight, I will read the labels. That is an "old" enough detergent that it may well not have the stuff we're supposed to avoid with him. THAT would be awesome.

Principal at wee difficult child's school is like you describe Dude's. Or, as the in-home called him, a choice selection of really, really harsh words. The nurse said the SpEd teacher was the one who told her, but I really can't see this coming from SpEd...I think we have a good working relationship and I think she'd have talked to me directly if this was a problem. But I can see it coming from that principal, and he's sent message thru the SpEd teacher, before (she's the one who informed me of his "suspensions". I may talk to her about it, I don't know. I may just let it go, too. We have at least one more year in this building, so I haven't decided which approach is best yet.

Except that SpEd really did not like the in-home that came to the IEP meeting. He really pushed her; not in a bad way, he just really pushed her to do things they should be doing, anyway. And she visibly did not like him.

 

[Marguerite]

I'd be concerned about where this has come form. From what you're saying, it seems there's a pattern at this school of otherstaff being used to pass on principal's messages. You already know the SpEd has done it, now the nurse says she's passing it on from SpEd but it could easily be from principal originally.

Chinese whispers is a dangerous game, when it involves gossip and our childrens' welfare. If this principal uses these techniques then he sounds like a bully and a coward.

me - I'd be down at the school first NICELY talking to SpEd and asking where the concerns come form, and reiterating what you told the nurse - if the SpEd personally observes any related issues, to please notify you DIRECTLY so you can get onto the problem as fast as possible (OK, "fast as possible" is the public reason - the private reason is, you want it form as close to the horse's mouth as possible).

And at the first opportunity, challenge the principal directly on this. Call him on it, as soon as someone says, "the principal expressed concerns to me."
Then you will have the golden opportuity to make it clear - if he has concerns, he must call YOU personally, directly. Because in the time it takes him to go find the SpEd, or go find the nurse - he could pick up the phone and call you, or write you a short note. Again, use the line that you need immediacy on this.

I really am concerned about the line that was used, that this could make difficult child a target for other kids, because he smells. It's not difficult child that stinks, in this...

Marg

 

[Shari]

I'm entirely with you on this, Marg. I smell a rat.

Nurse is not supporting whoever it came from. At all. She has apologized profusely.

The only other time SpEd did not talk to me like this was when principal and superintendant had a 5am meeting to decide difficult child wouldn't go to school in the afternoons, and SpEd did not agree to it, but her hands were tied. We've had several off the record and hallway conversations. Even today, when she talked to me again, she said the music teacher is off her rocker (she's gonna be a challenge for difficult child with regard to the iep). She said a few other things, and they were "off the record". She told me today that she is pregnant, and there are only 2 other people at school who know. After the last bout with the principal, she told him she would not do his dirty work anymore - he could deliver messages to me. I I really, really think we have a working relationship good enough that if this were her concern, she'd have said something to me. ExMIL knows her, too, and she agrees.

My gut feeling is that someone told her this and she, standing her ground in not being the one to pass on negative stuff anymore, sent it to the appropriate place. As soon as I can get a few minutes alone with her, I'll be asking. Like you said, the main reason is to be sure there's not a valid complaint. A close second, tho, is to find out where it came from.

 

[Marguerite]

If you have sufficient reason to suspect the principal is playing silly games, I would be having a discreet conversation with someone over his head and in the Special Education area; it sounds to me like the principal is trying to manufacture excuses to get rid of difficult child. This is discriminatory and needs to be tromped on, from on high. That's why you really have to carefully document this, make really sure of your information. Keep the letyter for example, and anything else you have in writing (including any written communication of your own in which you make reference to past comments and complaints, as well as you making reference to past messages sent via nurse or SpecEd.

Marg