I begged him to please get help...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by totoro, Oct 11, 2008.

  1. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    My little Brother. Anyone who has kept up with my messed up family... this is my half-brother. Same Mother. We went through a lot together. I left home when I was 13 though and kept touch off and on.
    He had a Learning Disorder and some intense anger issues as a child. ex: threw the High School Principal up against a wall. He was expelled and has since got his GED.
    He has never been *OK*. I have offered him help over the years, he is 5 years younger than me.
    He has gotten into so many bar fights all of the fun stuff that goes along with untreated mental illness.

    Well he has just had his 2nd son with another woman. I finally go ahold of him... the baby is 3 months old. My brother has me very concerned. I first told him to get a Vasectomy.
    He is leaving this woman, they no longer talk.
    He says having this child was a huge mistake.
    He told me he is afraid of his anger. He asked the family not to leave him alone with the baby, of course they now treat him like he his crazy.
    He told me he is afraid he will shake the baby. He said he hates babies.
    I told him he needs to seek help, he needs to leave them or they need to leave him. He is not bad and I am proud of him for voicing his fears. They are wrong for telling him he is crazy, they should be helping him.
    He said he is going to *try* and get help.
    I told him he NEEDS to go and get help. I told him all about my feelings when I was younger. I told him that our family has serious Mental Illness and that this is not his fault. He may need medication and he may be amazed at how he feels after getting help.
    I told him he is 33 and this is not going away. This is not something that is just a behaviour issues. This is so much more.
    He has been dealing with this his whole life. No-one has ever helped him. He has never known what to do, he had always floundered. He has always made the worst choices. His Dad just yells at him and tells him he is stupid. Everyone in his life has always treated him like he is stupid.
    He told me he is going to 3 gyms now and fighting. He is doing that extreme fighting, like Kimbo. But he is so angry when he does it, he says he just does not care, even if he dies. He did tell me he felt better after talking to me. He wanted to get help now...
    Please pray that my Brother seeks help.
    I am so worried about him
    I am so angry.
    I hate Mental Illness right now.
  2. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Saying prayers that your bro finds the help he needs.

    I DO think asking to not be left alone with-the baby when he is afraid of his anger and that he would shake the baby is something that he should be proud of. It would be "easier" to not say anything and hope nothing happens. He had the courage to stand up and voice his fears, that is a good thing.

    Maybe he can start with AA for help since he is in a lot of bar fights?

    Hugs to you, it stinks to have to worry about your bro all the time!
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    It took an enormous amount of courage for your brother to ask to never be left alone with the baby. Now he needs to draw on that same courage and go get help regardless how the family ect might feel about it.

    Saying prayers your brother takes that next vital step.

  4. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    You know he doesn't even drink really. He is just angry. But in a scary way. I feel so bad, he is the nicest guy in the world. He was the sweetest baby.
    When our Mother killed herself, it just took so much from him. He was 5. Things have always happened around him with no explanation. Mom left, I left, our other Brother left... no talking about any of it.
    He also has the stigma of looking very Hispanic. I look the least Hispanic in our family, but my little Brother looks just like our Mom. He is big, tall.
    So people always assumed he was in a gang. He has always lived in very gang ridden areas... East Palo Alto.
    Then he gets flack for being with a black woman... he just is always in these situations.
    It doesn't make it right but. He stand out and he gets into situations.
    Part of me just wants to protect him, but I can't. It is too far past that.
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Saying a prayer your brother gets the help he needs.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Toto -

    It may not make any difference - but please let your brother know that he is NOT the only one with the "angry" gene and with therapy and help he can learn to control his anger.

    For him to come forward and ask for help? I believe that is a good place for him to be and how brave he was to speak out - We've all had periods of anger in our lives but until you LIVE with someone that is angry day in day out, 365 days a year and just seems miserable - it's hard to understand how THEY feel - and it's hard. I've lived with 2 like that and it IS genetic....if it were not then with all the intervention Dude has had; he would be a different person - actually without all the intervention, and with the level of anger Dude has daily - he would be dead.

    I keep waiting to hear through the grapevine that his biodad is dead from something relating to his anger and outbursts. My biggest hope is that my son really never has kids and this stops with him. There is only one other boy in the family and he's my nephew and him and HIS father are anger-directed people too and they self medicate with drugs and alcohol. I don't know if it has a name - never really thought about it. Biodad is more than likely BiPolar (BP), his MOther was and his grandfather on his dad's side was...the whole family ? Basically short wired. Even the women. Violent and every day is like a Jerry Springer set - over the smallest things. Always ready to "Kick someone in the arse" over dumb stuff -really dumb stuff....like "Did you see that woman look to the left? I think I should just go up and slap her." kinda stuff. Not normal - but possibly fixable or at least adjustable.

    He's not alone!! SOmetimes it helps to tell them that.

  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    He's lucky to still have you in his life as a force that is concerned for his welfare and not given up yet. Sounds like maybe he's listening. Because of that, maybe you should keep up the phone calls until you feel like he's finally taking action. It's a tough hill to get up -- to finally reach out for help. But if the right people push us the right way, we can get to the top!
  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    He seems like he has some awareness that his anger is a problem for him, asking not to be left alone with the baby is a hugs acknowledgement. If he's still in the Bay Area, there are many programs he could turn to once he's ready. I've made the three hour drive just to attend a three hour seminar. Sending up prayers for your brother and hugs to you.
  9. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Asking for help is HUGE. I have no advice on the anger issue as I've been living with it for years and haven't figured it out. I do worry about the baby.

  10. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    After a VERY smart person PM'd me. I am going to call him and tell him that if he does not leave or if he does not have the Mom and baby leave I will call CPS on him. If he does not seek help I will have to do what I can.
    After my older Brother was arrested for choking his pregnant girlfriend I just can't take this. I can't sit and watch this cr@p.
  11. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Good luck, Toto. Very hard spot to be in.

  12. mrscatinthehat

    mrscatinthehat Seussical

    Good thoughts being sent that he gets the help he needs.

  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Totoro, I do think that was a brave and smart thing for your brother to tell you about his fear of shaking the baby. He may hate you for calling CPS but it could save the baby's life and make the family take this all seriously. Just telling him he is crazy is giving him the brush-off.
    You are a good sister and I hope you can keep the lines of communication open.
    I've got my fingers crossed for you all.
    I hope you can get some sleep.
  14. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I agree with a call to CPS and setting firm boundaries with how you are going to handle the situation with him. in my opinion he was calling out for help to you.........and needing you to take the lead because he cannot.

    It reminds me of my difficult child a couple of months ago when he tried to commit suicide, hit me, and then dared me to call the cops. He could not have been screaming louder for help - it was just he could not ask for it - he could only act on it.

    Your brother is at least telling you he needs help, but yet, my guess is, that telling you is the most he is able to do. My guess is he is not able to help himself at this point, and he told you this in an effort to get you to take responsibility.

    In any other scenario that did not endanger someone's life, I would say let him deal with it on his own. However, this is potentially endangering an innocent child, and therefore, you are now bound to report and respond to this.

    I hate this for you, for him, and for the children. You are right, mental illness hoovers. I hate it in every way imaginable.

    Sending many hugs, and much wisdom and prayers your way.
  15. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    You both have a special bond with each other. I'm glad he felt that he could trust you enough to tell you his fears without fearing that you will become judgemental. That tells a lot about you.
  16. ctmom05

    ctmom05 Member

    Adult mental illness is just as confounding as what families here go thru with their kids, especially when there is no treatment in place.

    A resource that might be helpful for families, family members, or consumers is a national organization known as NAMI - with chapters all across the United States: http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?section=your_local_NAMI
  17. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    Well I have been on him well like you know. While I have never wanted to hurt my kids I do know what he is feeling. I do know what the depths of his illness look like and how how hard it is to realize that things can ever be better.
    He has been this way for a long time.
    I pushed him, I told him what his choices were. I offered my help and my love and all of my understanding. I told him that this only needed to be between he and I. (well and the board)

    He sent my a beautiful photo from the phone of his little boy... I have yet to meet his other child.
    He says they are leaving. He has an apt on Friday with a Doctor.
    I will keep talking to him and offering my support. He sounds relieved. I am trying not to push too hard. I know how easy it is to back away and retreat.
    I hope he finds help. I fear he may end up like our Mom if not.
  18. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Your a loving and caring sister. Your brother is a very lucky man. I'm praying hard he is able to follow thru with the help he needs and maybe some day in the future will find the peace of stability.

  19. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    Hugs and prayers for you and your brother and the babies. You did what you could...
  20. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    You did very well with this, and Kudos to whomever PM'd you. When you say he is going to the doctor, do you mean a psychiatrist or an MD? I hope that he will get a vasectomy. There are public funds for that if it is something that he can't afford. Can you help him make some calls? At his age, and with two unwanted children, it should be an easy decision for him to make he doesn't want any more unwanted children. In fact, it might give him some confidence if he makes this decision, as it is the right one to make and everyone can agree upon it.

    If he comes to a point in his life when he wants and feels that he can commit a lifetime to all of his children, then he can have the vasectomy reversed.