I bought my kid a tent today, he's homeless.

[JMom]

Leafy, I was reading the post for beginners that said not to use real names. It feels strange to not use his name. Guess it's the mom in me wanting to hear it.

Yeah, when I offered to do laundry, it didn't occur to me that laundry day isn't normal for the homeless. It did feel nice to help.

I actually have that book, but I will have to see where I left it. I read codependent no more years ago (my parents and brother are alcoholics) and last year while my son was in rehab. I have it all "tabbed out".

It's necessary to read for my self care, but it has to be colorful with tabs, well because, that's just me trying to be cheerful, lol.

Thanks for the ongoing dialog, it helps me to work it out rather than obsess. -Jm

 

[Albatross]

JMom, I am amazed when I read posts like yours. So many of the adult children we read about here are just so...cruel and selfish. Your son sounds like a very kind soul trapped in addiction. And you sound like a very kind soul who sees past that addiction and gives him what he needs. How very thoughtful of you to do what you did. How very touching that you can offer kindnesses like that and maintain your emotional boundaries, and he can respect them.

I know exactly what you mean about the strangeness of buying a tent for your homeless son. Life in the rabbit hole. I have sat across from the kitchen table and watched my son slam enough vodka shots down his throat to ensure he was drunk *enough* to make sure he could get a bed in detox. It was one of the most bizarre experiences of my life.

 

[Copabanana]

JM, I had the same feeling about your son, as described Albatross. I could not put it into words, like she did. A kind and loving person, your son, with a kind and loving mother.

COPA

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome JMom. I'm glad you found us here. You will find much needed support and encouragement. You are not alone in how you feel, too many of us here have homeless adult children.
While your post is very sad, you sound very strong. You have done well in detaching which is not an easy thing to do.
One thing I have learned about my own son and his homelessness / couch surfing is how resourceful they are and how well they network. Your son has managed to become part of a community, albeit not one you would choose for him but a community where there are some rules and I'm sure they do look out for each other.
Hang it there, you are doing really well.
((HUGS))

 

[JMom]

JMom, I am amazed when I read posts like yours. So many of the adult children we read about here are just so...cruel and selfish. Your son sounds like a very kind soul trapped in addiction. And you sound like a very kind soul who sees past that addiction and gives him what he needs. How very thoughtful of you to do what you did. How very touching that you can offer kindnesses like that and maintain your emotional boundaries, and he can respect them.

I know exactly what you mean about the strangeness of buying a tent for your homeless son. Life in the rabbit hole. I have sat across from the kitchen table and watched my son slam enough vodka shots down his throat to ensure he was drunk *enough* to make sure he could get a bed in detox. It was one of the most bizarre experiences of my life.

 

[JMom]

I know exactly what you mean! Some rehabs won't take them if they are clean even fir a couple of days. ..crazy!

 

[New Leaf]

It's necessary to read for my self care, but it has to be colorful with tabs, well because, that's just me trying to be cheerful, lol.
Thanks for the ongoing dialog, it helps me to work it out rather than obsess

Hey, at least you have your sense of humor intact.....you have been trying to help your boy for a long time, JMom, it is tough. How old are your other two?
I have a 14 year old. He went through some hard times watching his older sisters go down this path. For us, it was a "revolving" door, my two were in and out. #3 had kids early, so a lot of our attachment issues were focused on the grands...then there is that whole, "I can fix this" thing.

My son is a sweet boy, too. I couldn't imagine how I would feel if he got caught up with this stuff. He says he wants nothing to do with drugs or alcohol, after witnessing the misery of it with his sisters. Crossing fingers.....
You are very kind to your son and his friends.
They have this to remember, and reflect upon.
The loving kindness from the bottom of your heart.
Hope today is a better day for you.
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[JMom]

JM, I had the same feeling about your son, as described Albatross. I could not put it into words, like she did. A kind and loving person, your son, with a kind and loving mother.

COPA

Thanks so much! You are the FIRST people to understand he's sweet and addicted! You'd never guess he is an addict if you met him!

 

[JMom]

My other two, daughters are 13 and 10. The 13 has witnessed enough to decide to opt out on a relationship with him, which is healthy. She asked me today how he was doing. My reply was he's taking care of himself. She says "well there's that". Lol. The little one still has her innocence, no clue what he's been through. She runs to jump in his arms when he comes around.

He's rarely allowed to come to our house because we've found drugs in the house, which is so dangerous. .

 

[New Leaf]

The 13 has witnessed enough to decide to opt out on a relationship with him, which is healthy. She asked me today how he was doing. My reply was he's taking care of himself. She says "well there's that". Lol.

OMG, these kids are so dang smart......

The little one still has her innocence, no clue what he's been through. She runs to jump in his arms when he comes around.

Of course, we still love our d cs. Hoping this interaction wakes them up.....who knows?

He's rarely allowed to come to our house because we've found drugs in the house, which is so dangerous. .

Roger that one. It is sad, but it seems they have no control over the habit, and no thoughts of consequence either. SIGH.
Same for my two, not allowed over the house. Eldest has shown up a couple times, but #3 is shunning right now, she is mad at us for looking at the reality and detaching.
Oh well, time changes everything. Holding on to the hope that God will see them through, whatever they need to go through to open their eyes to what their paths have been, and find a way to forge a new path......
Our kids are blazing through life the hard way. Storms teach us a lot, so hopefully, the storms they are creating with their choices, are teaching them at the same time.....

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[New Leaf]

I wasn't doing my son any favors by trying to fix it. It's snowing here in Texas and it's everything for me to keep myself from picking him up. I know he's freezing and hungry and his camp was destroyed.

It would be easier on me, less guilt, but not sure it helps him make the connection of consequences. This is so hard. We all know the hurt.

Ouch JMom, just ouch, and here I was posting about storms, not aware of this real storm and your sons camp being destroyed.

Well then, he has his friends, and I am sure they will be resourceful. There must be shelters were they can go, or warming areas......
Stand strong, you can do this. He will find a place, because he has to.
This may be a way for him to rethink his path.......
Try not to worry, breathe and pray.
I will pray, too.
It will be alright......
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Jacquelina2]

I bought my kid a tent today, who does that?!I


I bought my 20 year old addicted son a tent today, who does that? Well, apparently I do. He started smoking pot around 14 and progressed to xantax, then meth. Although I think k hid doctor has always been pot and xanax. He started smoking K2 to pass drug tests around 16 yoa, that's when things went downhill rapidly. The enabling started; paying tickets, wrecked cars, dragging him to school, paying truency fines, lying to family and friends, rehabs, ect..
Fast forward to 20 years old, and 3 rehabs later and here we are. I stopped the enabling at 18 (for the most part) as far as any cash. There was still rehabs being paid for, occasional phones provided and a meal or two here and there. I went to Alanon for a while and sometimes it helped.

Just recently I set him up to live with a family member away from old friends and hopefully a new start. He got a job (he's a good worker and not afraid to work). He did well for about 2 months and my family found weed hidden in the house, so he was out the next day. I realized that my involvement, was again enabling.

It's just bizarre to me. I always told myself this was just a phase and when he decides to change, it will be good that I forced him to finish school, dress up for court, ect..

Here I sit. I delivered him a sleeping bagand tent to his homeless camp a couple of days ago. I knew where it was but had never been inside. He kept urging me to see it. I wasn't scared, I'm a police officer and carry. I reluctantly went. It wasn't at all what I imagined. It was like a small city. Different people had their own campsites within it. They had 3 rules, no stealing or robbing people, no lying and clean up after yourself.

He and another young man slept in a tent. The other young man was a veteran . The tent mate had found him a small matress and put it on my son's side. They had a fire pit and tarps and twine run through trees for their clothing. They had a dog.

While part of my felt better that he wasn't sleeping on the ground and had some shelter from wind and rain, my gut kept saying over and over "what mom walks away?". This one did. I provided ameal, the tent and sleeping bag and left. I went home to my two story home and cried and wrapped presents for my other two children.

I thought surely no one else has had to experience this. Then I found this site. I saw one post that reminded me why I should walk away- if I don't , it interrupts the natural consequences that need to take place for him to grow.

So now I have to constantly redirect my mind from him to myself and the rest of my family. I turned down the street last night to see my in-laws for Christmas and saw him ona corner with his new friend, a dog and a sign that read young and homeless. .that read "young and homeless".


I turned the kids attention to another direction to see Christmas lights. I don't want them to see. I don't want anyone to hurt like I do. I have accepted that this is his choice. I have decided what boundaries I have. They are to contact him occasionally for a hug. They are to drop off a meal if I'm in the area. Nothing more, nothing less. He doesn't ask me for anything and was very grateful for the tent. All he asked was that I give him an update from time to time on his sisters.


Detachment. I am learning a whole new level. It hurts like no other hurt. I am sad. I may have to bury him, or he may figure it out and have one heck of a testimony. Today I pray. I pray for my son and a of you and your hurt. Take a deep breath.

Wow. I just read your story and cried. I too can relate to your pain because I have a 22 yr old homeless son who is breaking my heart. He suffers from bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and I'm trying to detach and stop enabling but it's hard. I'm often afraid to turn off my cell at night because he may need me or the cops may need to get a hold me and all sorts of crazy things that cross my mind. This site is very helpful and informative. I don't have any answers for you. But wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone in this struggle.

Jacquelina2

 

[TheWalrus]

I have been lurking here, reading stories, finding comfort in the camaraderie of our unique chaos. Your post prompted me to join, as I read it with tears running down my face. My husband is an officer. I work in a profession that also often sees the worst, especially in children. As others have pointed out, your son seems to have a kind soul, respect for you, and does not seem to pull you into obligations or guilts to do or care for him. He is choosing to live a life you would not choose for him, and it is painful, but it is his choice. And you know he loves and respects you. What so many of us would give for that instead of the painful allegations, smear campaigns, pity parties, tantrums, guilt trips and manipulations. But like all Difficult Child, he has to save himself and perhaps in this moment, he doesn't not see anything wrong with how he lives and no reason to change.

 

[JMom]

Wow. I just read your story and cried. I too can relate to your pain because I have a 22 yr old homeless son who is breaking my heart. He suffers from bipolar disorder and schizophrenia and I'm trying to detach and stop enabling but it's hard. I'm often afraid to turn off my cell at night because he may need me or the cops may need to get a hold me and all sorts of crazy things that cross my mind. This site is very helpful and informative. I don't have any answers for you. But wanted to let you know that you are NOT alone in this struggle.

Jacquelina2

Jaquelima, thanks so much for your compassion, we will loft each I there up. I'm half way through the book "co-dependent no more". It's helping me to detach. I actually for the 1st time on a long time went all day living my life, without worry. It's 6:00 and the unsettling feeling came over me. But I had a very good 12 hours.

 

[JMom]

Just needing a little prayer. I read 1/2 of codependent no more and had a wonderful 12 worry-free hours and just lived. I mean really lived. I ate breakfast, I ate lunch, I made my husband coffee, reconnected with him and just overall let go.

I am on my way to detaching with love. I must say, it's around 6:00 pm Texas time and I just had the unsettling feeling. I checked my phone and there's a voice message from my son. It just says , hey mom if you want to come see me today, I'll be around the camp site.

I think I can identify the feeling now that I've had a sane day. It's that I don't want him to feel unloved, like I don't care.

I do care, I do love I do so much it hurts. I'm not sure what to say when he calls. I want to hear from him but at the same time I don't want to hear the wind in the background, reminding me of the temperature which is 40 degrees.

I think I'll just turn my phone off tonight and maybe see him in person tomorrow. I can wish him a happy new years and hug him. My prayer tonight for my son and all of your loved ones is to make it count.

If they can't be sober, make it count. If we have to have this pain, make it count. Lord, make it count for something, for someone to heal, avoid these crisis, for us to see warning signs to help other parents. Lord please cover these Difficult Child's from the tops of their heads down to their tippy ties with the blood of Jesus. They are your children and ours. Please go get them, reach them where they are. In their camp sites, jail cells, friends sofa's, at the bars, the mot,els, the streets, in parents houses. Let them know they are children of God and we love them so dearly.

Thank you Lord for allowing us to love them and choosing us to be their parent. We will do our best to hold one another up and continue to give you the glory.

 

[New Leaf]

Oh sweet, kind JMom, it is painful and hard. I don't wish this on anyone, but the sad truth is there are so many like your son and my two, out there, trying to figure their lives out.

I do care, I do love I do so much it hurts. I'm not sure what to say when he calls. I want to hear from him but at the same time I don't want to hear the wind in the background, reminding me of the temperature which is 40 degrees.

I think I'll just turn my phone off tonight and maybe see him in person tomorrow. I can wish him a happy new years and hug him. My prayer tonight for my son and all of your loved ones is to make it count.

Thank you for this, I join you in your heartfelt prayer, that the Lord will lift all of us up in His loving embrace and fill our hearts.

If they can't be sober, make it count. If we have to have this pain, make it count. Lord, make it count for something, for someone to heal, avoid these crisis, for us to see warning signs to help other parents. Lord please cover these Difficult Child's from the tops of their heads down to their tippy ties with the blood of Jesus. They are your children and ours. Please go get them, reach them where they are. In their camp sites, jail cells, friends sofa's, at the bars, the mot,els, the streets, in parents houses. Let them know they are children of God and we love them so dearly.

Thank you JMom, right there, holding you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.
God grant us all peace......
Amen
(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[PiscesMom]

The problem is too big for you. You can do nothing, or very little. Society needs to do better. My son, at age 16, was on the streets, psychotic. (I didn't realize it at the time, and he wasn't speaking to me, but i knew from the few people he was in contact w that his thinking was very strange and disorganized) it is a long story. What could I do? I called every social service agency there was. Had long talks with police officers, who had gotten to know me over the years. They were very kind, and understood even before I did that he had mental health issues. He had no insurance because his father, who had custody, had stopped paying. And yes, he had the money. I could not put him on medicaid or whatever because he did not live with me. I am so grateful he is safe, at least for now.

Your son knows he has a loving mom. That is a lot. Hugs!!

 

[SandalsNShades]

JMom, you must have mustered up every ounce of yrself to buy him a tent because it would have been easier for you to take him back. You love your son too much to allow him to continue destroying himself. Pls give yourself loads of pat on your back n self hugs because you had courage no matter how much it broke your heart. I wish I have the courage like you. Hugs...

 

[Echolette]

Jmom,

I have nothing to add to what the others have said. My son will be 22 in February. Like yours, he is kind and sweet and he loves me and never blames me or demands anything. Unlike yours mine has pervasive developmental delay (autism spectrum) and so is easily taken advantage of, and is naive in many ways. He is in jail. He calls me for 5 minutes a day, and it is quite pleasant and sweet. Jail is not entirely safe but better than the streets.

We love them. They love us. They are kind and sweet. That is something.

 

[JMom]

Jmom,

I have nothing to add to what the others have said. My son will be 22 in February. Like yours, he is kind and sweet and he loves me and never blames me or demands anything. Unlike yours mine has pervasive developmental delay (autism spectrum) and so is easily taken advantage of, and is naive in many ways. He is in jail. He calls me for 5 minutes a day, and it is quite pleasant and sweet. Jail is not entirely safe but better than the streets.

We love them. They love us. They are kind and sweet. That is something.

I remember always being relived when my son was in jail. He still had access to drugs but not as easily as on the streets. Strange, our new normal!