I bought my kid a tent today, he's homeless.

[New Leaf]

HI JMom,
What wonderful news. Both parts, you writing a book (wow) and your sons sobriety (YAY!). I pray all goes well, he continues to make progress and go to school and wish you the best in your writing!
(((HAPPY HUGS!)))
leafy

 

[JMom]

Thank you leafy!!♡♡♡

 

[lovemyson1]

You are very strong JM and you are doing great! I can't help but cry a little when I think of what you're going through. I do hope and pray your son breaks his addiction! Since my son has been doing this for 4 years, I've been through similar things. He's been homeless, couch surfing, cheap motels.. how I hate this lifestyle! God Bless YOU!

 

[JMom]

Update to tent kid:

He's home now!!! He has an ID and we're ready to look for a job. We're going to hibachi together today.

The past two nights we all had dinner together. I asked him to say the blessing both nights and he did. What a difference a day can make.

I have this weird "survivors guilt" that he's doing well while others are struggling. I know this addiction/recovery is a lifelong story, but I really like this chapter...

Love you mom's and dads, hang in there. I was concerned about dropping my resistance to hope for better things, but screw it, I'm going to enjoy it. Still say to clues, but I'm ready to be happy and embrace the change as much as I embraced the worry.

 

[New Leaf]

I have this weird "survivors guilt" that he's doing well while others are struggling. I know this addiction/recovery is a lifelong story, but I really like this chapter...

Thank you for sharing JMom, please do not feel guilty, for good things happening for you and your son. Each time I read posts like this, it is a beacon of light shining. I hope and pray for your son to turn this around, and find his true purpose and meaning. It is a light in the darkest of nights, and I am grateful for you writing of the blessings.

Love you mom's and dads, hang in there. I was concerned about dropping my resistance to hope for better things, but screw it, I'm going to enjoy it. Still say to clues, but I'm ready to be happy and embrace the change as much as I embraced the worry.

Love to you too, dear. Please keep posting and let us know how you all are doing. God bless and keep you and your family moving forward, beyond the grief and worry. May your son use this opportunity to grow and come into his own good life.
Peace of mind and heart to you and yours, and all of us here.

(((Hugs)))
leafy

 

[Endless Pain]

I bought my kid a tent today, who does that?!I


I bought my 20 year old addicted son a tent today, who does that? Well, apparently I do. He started smoking pot around 14 and progressed to xantax, then meth. Although I think k hid doctor has always been pot and xanax. He started smoking K2 to pass drug tests around 16 yoa, that's when things went downhill rapidly. The enabling started; paying tickets, wrecked cars, dragging him to school, paying truency fines, lying to family and friends, rehabs, ect..
Fast forward to 20 years old, and 3 rehabs later and here we are. I stopped the enabling at 18 (for the most part) as far as any cash. There was still rehabs being paid for, occasional phones provided and a meal or two here and there. I went to Alanon for a while and sometimes it helped.

Just recently I set him up to live with a family member away from old friends and hopefully a new start. He got a job (he's a good worker and not afraid to work). He did well for about 2 months and my family found weed hidden in the house, so he was out the next day. I realized that my involvement, was again enabling.

It's just bizarre to me. I always told myself this was just a phase and when he decides to change, it will be good that I forced him to finish school, dress up for court, ect..

Here I sit. I delivered him a sleeping bagand tent to his homeless camp a couple of days ago. I knew where it was but had never been inside. He kept urging me to see it. I wasn't scared, I'm a police officer and carry. I reluctantly went. It wasn't at all what I imagined. It was like a small city. Different people had their own campsites within it. They had 3 rules, no stealing or robbing people, no lying and clean up after yourself.

He and another young man slept in a tent. The other young man was a veteran . The tent mate had found him a small matress and put it on my son's side. They had a fire pit and tarps and twine run through trees for their clothing. They had a dog.

While part of my felt better that he wasn't sleeping on the ground and had some shelter from wind and rain, my gut kept saying over and over "what mom walks away?". This one did. I provided ameal, the tent and sleeping bag and left. I went home to my two story home and cried and wrapped presents for my other two children.

I thought surely no one else has had to experience this. Then I found this site. I saw one post that reminded me why I should walk away- if I don't , it interrupts the natural consequences that need to take place for him to grow.

So now I have to constantly redirect my mind from him to myself and the rest of my family. I turned down the street last night to see my in-laws for Christmas and saw him ona corner with his new friend, a dog and a sign that read young and homeless. .that read "young and homeless".


I turned the kids attention to another direction to see Christmas lights. I don't want them to see. I don't want anyone to hurt like I do. I have accepted that this is his choice. I have decided what boundaries I have. They are to contact him occasionally for a hug. They are to drop off a meal if I'm in the area. Nothing more, nothing less. He doesn't ask me for anything and was very grateful for the tent. All he asked was that I give him an update from time to time on his sisters.


Detachment. I am learning a whole new level. It hurts like no other hurt. I am sad. I may have to bury him, or he may figure it out and have one heck of a testimony. Today I pray. I pray for my son and a of you and your hurt. Take a deep breath.

You asked what kind of mom does that? You and me and every mom out there. You didn't do anything wrong. You bought the tent to provide him shelter, that was from your heart and the love you have for him, yet you didn't allow him back home... Why? Because you realized through your own painful experience that allowing him back in was unacceptable. You realized you have to protect your other children. Your love bought that tent. We moms find ourselves doing the most craziest things. We never imagined for once that our own flesh and blood child could cause us such pain and heart ache. What you did had to hurt you more than him. He was in need for a tent, you was and will always just want your son back. You provided him a home, even if it's a tent. That's what moms who love their child do.

 

[so ready to live]

JMom=you give us all hope that someday. some way, ours too will choose life. I pray there have been more "good days" for you in this up and down, back and forth, push and pull struggle. What a path we are on, filled with stones and cliffs and missteps. We dash our foot on the rock, lose our footing and nearly fall off the mountain, but then find that another mom is also going through this hurt. So we grab for a hold to keep from falling. finding a hand to clutch in the dark. Thank you for telling of your journey, I need to hear.

 

[Albatross]

JMom, I just saw your update. What wonderful news! It all sounds very positive. I am glad you and your son are able to share those priceless moments of just doing family things together. He seems like such a sweet soul.

 

[Childofmine]

So so glad he is doing better and you better believe you have every right to just relish this time. We can't know any of our futures (DCs and anybody else!) so let's claim this very moment and love it.

So happy! Please keep us posted on it all.

 

[UKMummy]

Thank you for your story. Just reading brings me peace and some hope too. Lots of love x

 

[JMom]

Hello all!!

It has gone fairly well, the job hunting was a challenge. After a few "no's" he basically gave up. He did a few odd jobs but rushed out to play with old friends for four days.

We had the talk and he's decided on his own to move in with his homeless friend, who now have a shared house. He found a job and says he just wants to come home to visit his sisters when I allow it.

He is somewhat sober. You may all understand my new twisted version of sober. He relapsed with Marijuana bit hasn't done the hard stuff. It probably sounds terrible to the rest of the world, but that doesn't wreck my world like when he does meth and heroine. Now the true test is if he returns to everything

The person he's staying with was his tent mate, the one he got sober "because of". He took on the caretaker role to the older homeless people.

It's so strange this world that's made him feel useful, a sense of purpose. He has no problem working, protecting and feeding his homeless friends.

This kid leaves me shaking my head. It has been nice having him home. His sisters adore him. I just hope he stays clean so he can see them in a meaningful way. He knows he has to test negative to see them and he always pulls it off.

Drinking coffee on the back porch, watching the birds, no angst. Just feeling blessed that he's still alive to be angry with, love, hold, laugh and sometimes cry, some are not so lucky

 

[Childofmine]

Ah Jmom, I think you are talking about something important here. The acceptance of imperfection in the broad sense. Specifically, when it comes to our own kids, the ability to hold two "states of being" simultaneously within ourselves, the kind of confusion that we find ourselves in this life situation of accepting this, this that we never dreamed of for our adult kids, being glad it's "just marijuana" instead of heroin and meth and the sitting on the porch and drinking coffee with no angst---all at the same time. I believe this state of being is our goal and further being able to live here now in this state will translate into all other areas of our lives and we will know a new peace about all of life we have never known before---acceptance of what is----and this is our even larger goal and it is a blessed state of being.

I love how you illustrated this. Thank you.

 

[Copabanana]

What a great post, JMom.

After a few "no's" he basically gave up

I know how this is. It will change little by little, I think. Your son is young. More and more it is accepted that many male brains do not mature until 27 or later. At 27 it began to change for my son: attitude, self-control, cooperation, baby steps towards a goal, one college class for which I am grateful.

It is not all glory but it is better. Better than when he was calling the cops on us to get us arrested in our house when we told him to leave. For sure, that.

He took on the caretaker role to the older homeless people.

How different is this than people who find their purpose serving, doctors, Mother Teresa, pastors, etc.? A purpose is a purpose.

feeling blessed that he's still alive to be angry with, love, hold, laugh

Now that is gratitude! I am learning this too. It is difficult for me. I seem to have lived a life of denial, holding at bay the reality that I am frail, I will die, and so will those I love.

My son has a chronic illness for which he is not treatment compliant, at least in the way that would make me feel less frightened. I find myself being grateful for the way he is improving, which makes me more afraid of his illness. Of losing him. Now, I see this is irrational. The risk of losing him was always the same and the potential devastation the same. But now that I am able to feel more openly my love and need for him, I am so much more afraid. Nearly all of the time I feel anxious.

this state of being is our goal and further being able to live here now in this state will translate into all other areas of our lives and we will know a new peace about all of life we have never known before

I am nowhere near here but I wish for this. The ability to embrace imperfect and fleeting life, with gratitude and acceptance and a sense of well-being instead of dread.

Thank you.

 

[JMom]

Thanks all.for validating my feelings. It feels wonderful to be understood and accepted.

 

[Albatross]

It is great to hear from you, JMom! I too love how you put accepting our challenging kids and accepting the new "normal," which seems to change day to day sometimes. He seems so called to care for others. I hope he continues to grow out of his addictions through that.

 

[RN0441]

Thanks for the update.

Was wondering about your son. I remember your story was one of the first that I followed when I joined the forum and it inspired me to help my son in a new way!!

Glad you have reached a good place.

 

[rebelson]

Just needing a little prayer. I read 1/2 of codependent no more and had a wonderful 12 worry-free hours and just lived. I mean really lived. I ate breakfast, I ate lunch, I made my husband coffee, reconnected with him and just overall let go.

I am on my way to detaching with love. I must say, it's around 6:00 pm Texas time and I just had the unsettling feeling. I checked my phone and there's a voice message from my son. It just says , hey mom if you want to come see me today, I'll be around the camp site.

I think I can identify the feeling now that I've had a sane day. It's that I don't want him to feel unloved, like I don't care.

I do care, I do love I do so much it hurts. I'm not sure what to say when he calls. I want to hear from him but at the same time I don't want to hear the wind in the background, reminding me of the temperature which is 40 degrees.

I think I'll just turn my phone off tonight and maybe see him in person tomorrow. I can wish him a happy new years and hug him. My prayer tonight for my son and all of your loved ones is to make it count.

If they can't be sober, make it count. If we have to have this pain, make it count. Lord, make it count for something, for someone to heal, avoid these crisis, for us to see warning signs to help other parents. Lord please cover these Difficult Child's from the tops of their heads down to their tippy ties with the blood of Jesus. They are your children and ours. Please go get them, reach them where they are. In their camp sites, jail cells, friends sofa's, at the bars, the mot,els, the streets, in parents houses. Let them know they are children of God and we love them so dearly.

Thank you Lord for allowing us to love them and choosing us to be their parent. We will do our best to hold one another up and continue to give you the glory.

Oh JM. I just now read your thread here. And, this one brought tears to my eyes. You sound much like me. My son has not always been so sweet, as yours sounds. Actually, I don't know 'how' he is, as a person. He's been using since ~14....the alcohol that he likes turns him in to a really mean person, he already, naturally, has a sarcastic & entitled tendency. My husband (his stepdad) is also a law enforcement officer.

You sound like you are handling this very well. I have that book you speak of, and I really need to start reading it. I found a local Nar-Anon mtg and am trying that one tonight.

I love my son so much, but have had trouble detaching. I did not really even know what it meant, detaching, until I found this site not long ago. So, I am a newbie at this. It is taking me some time, but I am very slowly getting better at it. I am appreciating the break that I have right now, as he entered, on his own, residential treatment a month ago.

I love your prayer:

"If they can't be sober, make it count. If we have to have this pain, make it count. Lord, make it count for something, for someone to heal, avoid these crisis, for us to see warning signs to help other parents. Lord please cover these Difficult Child's from the tops of their heads down to their tippy ties with the blood of Jesus. They are your children and ours. Please go get them, reach them where they are. In their camp sites, jail cells, friends sofa's, at the bars, the mot,els, the streets, in parents houses. Let them know they are children of God and we love them so dearly.

Thank you Lord for allowing us to love them and choosing us to be their parent. We will do our best to hold one another up and continue to give you the glory."

Amen, I say to that.

 

[JMom]

It's so strange to read all of my old posts. It's as if someone else posted them.

 

[Copabanana]

Hi JMom. I have thought about you this year, and hoped that your son continued to do well, and you too.

I am glad you are back. Your posts were so literate, so loving, so wise and kind. I hope you stay on for a bit. Or keep checking in to say hi, as you are doing.

How is Joshman? How are you?

Take care. Happy New Year.

 

[RN0441]

JMom please give us an update on your son!