I broke :(

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by myfirstandlast, Feb 4, 2008.

  1. Couldn't take any more. :sad-very:

    DS-12 had horrible encopretic issues on Saturday. (We were away from home.) He left a strong scent on the chair next to me during a performance (I had to stay to watch daughter-10 perform) that was so bad that 20 minutes after he left to go sit by his P-grandma his chair still stunk nauseatingly bad.

    He'd been having issues all week, and refusing to bathe, and refusing to take his fouled laundry downstairs. I'd asked and asked. Finally, Saturday night, after getting home and finding a fresh STAIN in the back seat of my new car, I snapped. Made a big deal about the problem, which has not improved since seeing the gastrointerologist (the only change he made, is he takes the mineral oil at night -- no diet changes at all) and seems to actually be worse lately, and about his lack of self-care and the impact it has on him and his whole family, struggling with odor issues. How it is absolutely unbelievable to me that no one at school mentions it. How he was going to DO HIS OWN LAUNDRY now.

    It was a big trigger. He was mad, barricaded his door again with his mattress. I went to bed, exhausted. He slept on his floor.

    In the morning, AS ALWAYS, he is acting as if nothing happened, on the computer downstairs, still hasn't showered, still hasn't started his laundry or even taken it down. I kicked him off the computer and told him why, and the raging began. From about 9 am until after 2 pm he was combative, screaming, stomping, destructive, verbally nasty, etc. while I'm using every resource, every trick I know, walking away when I'm so upset I can't talk, calling for advice, just at wit's end.

    He once again claims he is blowing up so that I'll let him go live with his P-grandma.

    I finally called the local emergency mental health facility and dragged him in for a psychiatric evaluation. Knowing that he could be hospitalized. He has calmed down dramatically in the time it took to get to the facility, and the unexplained wait of over an hour to be seen. He is still going from quiet and withdrawn to laughing WITH me and my husband about some funny photos we were talking about together, engaging in the conversation and everything -- right back to sulking and making mean gestures at me. I talked to him very quietly and seriously about what happens next. He is still demanding I let him move in with grandma and that he won't stop acting out until I allow him. I say over and over that is not an option, it will never be an option. You either come home, and life changes DRAMATICALLY from this day on, or you go to the hospital, and you don't leave until the doctors say you can. Even if you call me and beg, I CAN'T come and get you unless the doctors let me. Period.

    Shock therapy. :sad-very:

    He was very compliant after this convo. They said we could go home, if we were comfortable with taking him home, and get him into out-patient therapy ASAP (I have an appointment for this Thursday that I made after that last explosion I posted about).

    The psychiatric on staff told me privately, the facility that they recommended for his actions and emotional state, wouldn't even take him, being encopretic!!! OMG ... what if we hadn't been able to rationalize with him??!

    Exhausted and stressed beyond belief in the middle of nowhere. :faint:
  2. Coookie

    Coookie Active Member

    Sending you some gentle hugs. :( While my difficult child didn't have encroptic issues I certainly can relate to the emotional drain, and battering, of dealing with a difficult child. :( In the midst of this you need to take care of you. Do something for you. A warm bubble bath with candles and soft music helped me "withdraw" and regroup sometimes.

    I will keep everything crossed that this appointment will start a positive step for your difficult child.


    p.s. We all break sometimes.
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Sorry that your weekend was so very stressful with difficult child. Sending hopes that Thursday's appointment begins some good therapy and that he is compliant with the therapist.

    It is totally understandable that you broke, I don't think I could maintain in those circumstances.

  4. It is so physically demanding ... I'm exhausted in all ways. My daughter-10 just kept following me around and hugging me. Hubby just wanted to know what he could/should do to help.

    Me, daughter-10 and DS-12 have grief support tonight, then later this week I also have a psychiatric appointment for myself and then for DS.

    I've got to scrape together all the different testing results and prior diagnoses and everything leading up to this. My organizational skills are suffering right along with my sanity.

    :half-hearted grin:
  5. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    I'd be broke at this point as well. I don't know that making him do his own laundry is the right thing, as he doesn't care if you do it anyway. I would definitely be pulling the power cords to computers, cables for the television, etc., and grounding him from these things until he at least invests himself in keeping himself clean.

    It seems that mineral oil would totally make him go more and make it smell worse. You might want to make a call to that doctor. He seems to be over-simplifying things.

    Big hugs...
  6. house of cards

    house of cards New Member

    My difficult child was alot younger than yours but what worked for me was 2 things. First, if he leaked or stained I assumed he was constipated and gave him a dose of liquid Calace...it tastes really, really bad, enough to make you throw up. and second if he stained he didn't play computer the next day...and Yes I endured alot of melt downs over that. I didn't get real caught up in it cuz it wasn't a trigger for me and I think that helped as well...although I can totally understand it tiggering others personal limits. Hope things improve. It seems silly that the treatment place wouldn't deal with that...how frustrating.
  7. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    I don't know what OTC remedies you've tried, but what about Miralax? We use it here for easy child/difficult child 3 and it does work -- plus no taste and no odor, so it mixes well in just about any beverage. Just a thought.

    Is difficult child motivated at all to provide his own input for a solution to this?
  8. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    I think there are two schools of though on encopretic kids.

    The first being - it's a medical condition and can be cured with a bevy of laxatives and the like. The second being - it's a control thing, and will only correct itself with therapy, and age.

    My nose, and heart - like in the second group.

    My son started being encopretic at 4. The doctors told us that this was due to the divorce, arguing and abuse going on in the home. It was the only thing he could control. So we started with the mineral oil, colace, suppositories, high fiber diet, enemas - and on and on. NOTHING and I mean NOTHING helped or worked. It basically made my son angrier because now he couldn't even control "that"!! The problem continued.

    We went to an MD, we went to a gastro, we went to a strict schedule of diet, exercise, enemas and mineral oil as the gastro said it was impacted fecal matter. We did complete colon cleanses - and maybe for a month after EVEN AFTER he was totally cleaned out - and on a schedule - it would start again. The only thing this helped create was a person who would hide poopy underwear all over my house.

    My tub and shower traps? Don't think I can ever ask DF to do that again - he had to crawl under the house to get to the traps and clean them out from so much fecal matter in the pipes. And we had it in the laundry if I accidentally missed a pair of loaded undies - it was in EVERYTHING and then stunk the drier to HIGH HEAVEN = few things compare to poop in laundry heated by a dryer on high heat.

    And we were at our witz end about it all. When he was younger - he would decorate the bathroom walls the tub, the shower curtain or shower doors -that seemed to stop after DF made difficult child take a bucket of bleach water and scrub the walls/whatever down every time he did it - And bits of poop fell out of his pants as he walked through the house - and we'd step in it or it would get ground into the carpet in his room. And then there was the dogs - use your own imagination.

    So we started making difficult child wash out all his britches OUTSIDE in a bucket - we gave him gloves, a scrub brush and put soap in a bottle JUST for him to use to clean his pants. We left the hose there and he had to dig a hole in the ground to get rid of the matter in the bucket - then hang his underwear on a line that no one could see from the road. When they dried out a day or two we'd bring them in and wash them separate. The only laundry detergent I found that kills the odor is Tide, and 20 mule team borax at LEAST 1 cup in every load of wash. And then we'd wash his jeans and pants, shorts separate - after that - we would run a load of JUST soap and bleach water to clean out the washing machine so our clothes wouldn't have poop on them or the smell.

    Next - any underwear he hid - there was a consequence for that. The tub had to be washed WITH COMET every time he got out. He had his own wash cloth and towel that got washed with HIS jeans. I can't tell you the times until we did this that I swear I could smell poop on the towel I used on my face. Just nasty.

    As far as the smell? I found that Febreze or Lysol crisp linen is effective for the fabric residue. You can get small bottles/cans of each if you look in the sample aisles at WM or Kmart, or Target. And We kept a bag of clean clothes and underpants with diaper wipes in the bag - and a bag in that bag for putting his soiled clothes in. I kept clean clothes and change of underwear in every car, at school, at daycare when he went before he was blacklisted..

    And we aired out our house a lot. I would look for deals on air freshener BOGO, and coupons, local sales - and I lived with LYSOL full size in my car. DF couldn't take it anymore and finally put plastic down on the back seat of his van and covered that with a sheet.

    I'm not ashamed to say that I've even gotten difficult child out of the van and when no one was looking sprayed his behind with lysol. I have an ultra sensitive nose - and this was he77 on earth for me.

    After all these years - at 17.5 years - I've had the first week in my own home with difficult child smell-free. After 11 years of abusing his bowels - I think they are finally starting to shrink back to normal -

    No one wants to have this - but my son could basically poop on thought in his pants - we'd be in the therapists office and things would be fine - no odor and the therapist would hit on a topic that was sensitive and you could actually see difficult child sit there and poop his pants. And if you tried to get him up or do anything about it then you had poop AND meltdown.

    We thought being around friends would stop it - nope.
    We thought being around girls as he got older would stop it - nope
    we thought making him wash out his pants would stop it - nope
    We thought making nothing of it would stop it - nope
    We thought making him wash out the tub would stop it - nope
    Washing his own clothes would stop it - nope
    Washing /showering outside in a makeshift shower stop it - nope

    Age stopped it. Age and the fact that he's been in therapy to get better ideas on how he CAN cope with a situation and finding out that he IS in control of a lot more than his bowels.

    Save yourself some aggravation - get a plastic cover for his bed.
    Get Tide and 20 Mule Team borox and make him wash out his own poopy pants - then air dry, then wash underpants and jeans alone.
    Get yourself some sample sizes of lysol or febreeze to carry in your purse
    Carry a bag of clean clothes and diaper wipes everywhere.

    And leave a package of diaper wipes in the bathroom with a bag for the dirty ones to go in so the toilet doesn't get clogged.

    Get some draino for cleaning drains or vinegar and baking soda - one box and one bottle each month to keep the drains and the feces in the drains from coming back up into the tub.

    And hang in there.

  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm so sorry; we all break at a certain point. I have no experience with this, but wanted to send you some hugs amd support.

    Like Witz, I was thinking that the oil may be a part of the current problem as far as leakage and odor also, but of course, having no experience with this, I could be completely off. Anyway, hugs.
  10. uncheerleader

    uncheerleader Pollyanna

    I have worked in childcare for many years and have seen this in two school-age students. I never realized what it was, but now that I know that it has a name, I can share it with co-workers! These two also had other issues such divorce and foster care.
    Sending you good thoughts and encouragement!!
  11. ShakespeareMamaX

    ShakespeareMamaX New Member

    <3 I feel your pain! Good luck, dear. <3
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    There are various reasons but this sounds like a combination of control and lack of concern/consideration. Laziness. He's too busy playing games to whatever to stop what he's doing and go to the toilet. Besides, this is working for him (from his point of view). Apart from being nagged at by an unreasonable mother. But the nagging does stop when she gets too tired and in the mornings he can always go back to doing things how he wants; parents these days just don't have the staying power. (as I said - HIS point of view).

    I fully endorse making him clean himself up. You don't need to make this a punishment - this is something he simply has to learn to do, since this clearly is how he has chosen t live his life. If he is ever going to live independently, he has to learn self-care; and part of self-care is cleaning up after yourself. Putting toys back in the toybox. Putting dirty clothes in the hamper. Living in harmony with others. And if that means he has to learn to hand-wash his own things because it's too offensive to put them in with other people's - then so be it. He's old enough to learn.

    Of course you can streamline things for him - a bucket with a plunger of some sorts; a supply of disposable gloves; the necessary detergents; his own personal supplies of things like wipes; extra supplies of towels, face-washers and spare undies (or disposable undies) - that sort of thing.

    When the toilet blocks, an alternative to trying to force it all down (although a full bucket of water suddenly dumped into the toilet bowl can help there) is to put on a disposable glove or get a freezer bag, put your hand (or his hand) inside the glove or bag, pick up the offending piece of excreta and turn the bag/glove inside out over it. Hands don't have to touch it. I admit - I've actually weighed such items on my kitchen scales (hey, it's sealed inside plastic, the scales stay spotless and uncontaminated) and then telling the doctor just how big was the offending item, sometimes without specific numbers the doctors don't believe us. I think our record was 900 g. That's about 2 lb.

    Think about it - when the kid was small you probably had a nappy bucket in the laundry, with all the supplies you needed. Now you still need supplies - just different ones, for a different reason.

    Part of this is acceptance that this is his choice and you are not going to try to change him. However, you are not going to let him ruin your life with it. He has to fix up the 'edges' of where his life and habits meet up with other people's. He has to make the adjustment. And part of that adjustment means not leaving stains on other people's furniture, not making more work for other people just because HE chooses to be encopretic. He has to adapt to his own consequences.

    difficult child 1 (now past encopresis) is smelly - he won't change his clothes. I bought him some new shirts so he hasn't got the excuse of "I have only got one black shirt". A couple of years ago I used to raid his room when he was out, and wash everything I could lay my hands on. He complained when I washed his pyjamas that I had washed the smell out.

    He had a really bad smelly shirt on the weekend - my trick for deodorising it would also work on faecal smells - vinegar. You splash the clothing with vinegar, then soak the item in enzyme detergent in lukewarm water. I then hand-washed it, rather than put one shirt through the washing machine. I put it through several rinses and then through a dryer - no smell. I've used this technique to deodorise some really appallingly soiled clothing and it works. Clothing that I was told to throw away if I didn't want to try to clean it - I got it clean.

    Next time difficult child 1 is doing his own clothing, if he lets it get this bad, but he currently DOES have a change of clothing so he shouldn't let it get that bad.

    With difficult child 1, it's laziness - he just doesn't think, he's too busy to go change now, he feels comfortable with his familiar smells.

    Good luck with this one. And congratulations on cracking - I think you needed to. He has to learn that HE has to fit in with YOU, not you be bound by HIS bad habits.

    There are limits and I think he's gone way over them.