I brought it on myself but grrr

[jennd23]

I hate that we can't just do fun things on a whim and I SHOULD know better than to try, but I "surprised" S by taking him swimming this afternoon, which he was THRILLED by, but we got home, had dinner, and got him in the bath and he lost it.

He was mad in the tub (not sure why) and started throwing things at me, said "woman, leave me alone" (giggled a little in my head but grrr, where do kids learn these things) so I made him get out of the tub. I started to dry him off and he's still mad (because of having to get out) and he spit at me!

I mostly kept my cool, obviously somewhat ****** off but no yelling (which is a big accomplishment after being spit at, in my opinion), made him dry off and go to bed, he's crying screaming, etc. He got into bed calmly after getting PJs on and asked for his blanket and he was asleep with in minutes but

Makes me just want to stay home forever.

 

[ready2run]

lol... i know. i have been spit on and peed on. it's sooooo nasty. at least he went to sleep, right?

 

[Malika]

Well done for keeping your cool. This is extremely difficult after being spat at... Don't let it stop you doing things outside, though. Could it be that the more you do it, the less affected he will be? Hugs.

 

[susiestar]

Yuck. You did a great job mostly keeping your cool. When Wiz was little he went to a montessori preschool and the director there had the most amazing cure for kids who spit. Like to spit at people, on the floor, etc?? She would make a mark about halfway up a dixie cup and the child then HAD to fill the cup with spit before he could go do ANYTHING like play, watch tv on the rare days they showed a video, etc....

Only a couple of boys ever did this more than twice. It is HARD to generate that much spit, lol! She also would have kids stomp their feet for three minutes - nonstop - if they did that. For jumping on the bed she advised us to make difficult child jump for a minute for every year of age. Again, this is much harder than it sounds.

These might help somewhat.

 

[Marguerite]

Susie, my mother used to tell the story of how she disciplined my older sister for stamping her feet, by MAKING her keep stamping. She referred to it as a "dancing lesson". To tis day my sister still gets very angry when reminded of this. She found it humiliating and not at all helpful.

Jenn, your son is getting really tired out. What you describe sounds like mental exhaustion, and he just is not coping. If he fell asleep so quickly, he was physically exhausted too.

When ANY of my kids (easy child included) started school, the tiredness at the end of the day took its toll on behaviour and ability to cope. For a difficult child it's even more difficult.

What I did - I fed the kids as soon as they got home form school. As soon as they walked in the door, there would be food. The afternoon snack was actually dinner in disguise - cooked sausages (pigs in a blanket) with a plate of fruit or vegetable sticks. Then if the kids were too tired to wait for dinner, or too tired to eat, they could be n the bath and heading for bed before the rest of us ate our dinner. We had a peaceful meal; the child got to bed and to sleep; and by filling their tummies early, they were less likely to be cranky and reactive.

I wouldn't have made him get out of the bath; I would have just walked out. The rudeness, insolence etc - it's exhaustion and anxiety talking, mostly. If you react, you justify it and make it escalate. Walking away teaches him to walk away rather than escalate.

Marg
Marg

 

[InsaneCdn]

I hear ya - the frustration of not being able to be spontaneous.

And then someone challenged my thinking... is it really spontaneous? or, were you thinking about it ahead of time and forgot to communicate? or any number of other things?? Hmmm...

We've discovered that most "spontaneous" things fall into two camps... either lack of planning (bad me), or wanting to "surprise" the kids.

I keep that old army saying at the front of my brain: On the Quartermaster's Desk... "Remember: A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part."

So, the answer is to ALWAYS have a plan. Including a plan for surprising the kids... in the example you give, we might have done it - but I'd have packed a picnic supper, eaten at the pool, and had the kids in bed as soon as we got home.

I totally agree with Marg - and in this case you got a double-whammy of "tired kid syndrome" - because swimming takes A LOT of effort! So PLAN for him to be exhausted - its never as bad when you expect it and are prepared.

(Take heart - we KNOW all this, have been doing it for 10+ years - and we STILL get caught. But at least we know what's happening when we mess up...!)

And no, don't "stay home forever". The kids DO need this kind of stuff - and so do you. Its just "how to do it" so you don't get the negative fallout.

 

[jennd23]

This was totally me wanting to surprise him. Our neighborhood pool just opened and he's been begging to go so i wanted to surprise him. We were really not planning on staying as long as we did but another boy his age came and they started playing frisbee and I was so happy to see that that I let him stay later than I'd planned.

I'm sure he was over tired, that's a good point. Sometimes those things just slip my mind.....

 

[jennd23]

Oh, and he has to have a bath after swimming because his skin gets agitated from the chlorine so no matter how late we stayed that was happening. But I warned him of that. Ok, 5 more mintues then we're going home for dinner and a bath. Ok, lets go home for dinner and a bath, etc.

 

[wintak]

very awesome of you to keep your cool and not scream. Personally, I would have walked out, too. Fine...want to be alone...here ya go. But that's me.
KUDOS to you

and I've been peed on by my difficult child...NOT a pleasant day

 

[Marguerite]

Spontaneous often is a bad idea.

husband & I went to see "We Will Rock You" and loved it. We were standing in the aisles at the end, cheering and dancing (so was everybody else in the audience). We went out to the foyer and bought the CD and played it, full volume, in the car on the way home. Then when we got home husband wanted to share his love for the new stuff with the kids, put the CD on and played it loud. "Cause it's got to be loud, to enjoy it, see... only difficult child 3 did NOT see, someone had walked into the room where he was quietly playing, put on some very loud music then tried to engage his enthusiasm. husband got cranky that his attempts to engage difficult child 3 fell apart, totally. difficult child 3 got cranky that dad was assaulting him with loud non-Queen Queen music (ie covers of his favourite band, but not the real thing). husband then got upset because his lovely, happy mood we'd shared all the way home, got blown out of the water.

it was an interesting lesson for all, really.

Increasingly, we need to plan ahead and warn difficult child 3. For example, he loves going to the mall and would try to manipulate me into going shopping for groceries, so he could go to the mall. But lately if I say, "I'm going to the mall in half an hour," difficult child 3 gets upset at the lack of notice.

Last night at bedtime I said to him, "Get to bed now, we've got a big day tomorrow, we have to go out."
He got angry with me. "Where are we going?"
"You have a therapist appointment, you got sent the reminder on your phone two days ago."
"That's not until Friday!"
"Well, son, tomorrow's Friday. Or should I say today, it's now after midnight..."

I also reminded him that we are dropping in on the MRI place to suss out their machine and so he can ask questions. The MRI is booked for Monday afternoon but he thinks he can still refuse. I don't want him to - if there is something wrong, we need to know. The alternative tests are a lot nastier. I might describe them to him as we drive along today... I had to have a myelogram many years ago, and I never want to experience that again! AND the info gained was not as good as you get with MRI. it took longer to do, was more invasive, and made me sick for weeks. After that, MRI is a breeze, it's a chance to relax for an hour or so. And it is a breeze literally, because they pump air past your face constantly. Feel the breeze, close your eyes and visualise yourself on a beach somewhere... ok, with some building work and jackhammering going on nearby...

Marg